I have become cynical regarding men, I don’t trust them to be faithful.

[Rainbowllama4]

I’m mid 40’s and have had a few long term relationships and a marriage.

My last long term relationship (5 years) whilst wasn’t emotionally abusive was toxic with a lot of verbal abuse on his part, he also has issues with alcohol and I found out he had been using a casual sex site. Lots of lies and deceit all the way though. I have always had healthy relationships before this one, good boundaries etc. It sounds like I’m thick but I couldn’t understand why he treated me so badly so I tried harder until it got to the point where I had nothing left to give. Stupid I know. I’ve since mended from that and feel like a fool to have wasted 5 years and my last fertile years on a loser.

Since we split I have thought about past relationships and why they went wrong or didn’t work out for whatever reason.

I am also losing faith in men. Since I have become single a male friend who I’ve known over 10 years asked me if I’d like a fwb thing with him despite him being in a relationship for several years. I said no.

My child’s teacher has been inappropriate and asked if I would be up for an affair, I won’t go into too many details but he is married with young children. Obviously I said no and conversations have been awkward since.

I bumped into an old male school friend who suggested a catch up and a coffee, we swapped numbers, I text him, he didn’t reply for a couple days, no issues with this, he doesn’t owe me anything but when he did reply it was a text giving me another number to contact him on as the number he gave me wasn’t his number he regularly used. This made me
slightly suspicious so I went onto WhatsApp, the first number was being used regularly and the second one didn’t even have WhatsApp in use. I didn’t contact him again and ignored the few texts that he did send.

I moved house, had been in for about a week when a man from the next road knocked and welcomed me to the neighbourhood with a large bunch of flowers. He then asked if I’d like a drink sometime, I took his number but didn’t contact him as no attraction on my part. Since found out he is married.

Another man who showed interest and said he lived with his sister, I have since seen said man walking his dog with his sister and holding her hand. Hmmmmm.

All the above happened within the last year.

I would like to have a relationship but I have little trust these days, I’ve always been trusting by nature and have had very few issues in the past regarding trusting partners (apart from the last one) but the above instances have made me cynical and untrusting.

Is it an age thing? All these men are in their 40’s or early 50’s. Why do they do it? Have I been naive all these years and everybody is at it behind their partners back?

All I want is a single man who is honest, no drink or drug issues, not shouty and good fun, it seems like a big ask.

Sorry for such a long post. I don’t know what I want from it, maybe to hear others experiences.

Just to add that if the "logical" solution to bring bored, jaded, having lost the spark, not wanting to be faithful is to end their marriages/relationships; they don't want to. They want to keep all the advantages of them while getting the sex with other women they want on the side/on the Qt.

You cannot lead your life feeling cynical and expecting men to be unfaithful because this will make you unhappy. Not all men are like this so you would be doing those men a disservice. I think the key to your problem is choosing carefully in the first place. It sounds like you have been made to be street-smart by encountering these arseholes so it seems to me that you are more likely to recognise a genuinely nice man when you meet him in the future.

The lady I referred to above is very friendly, good humoured, sincere etc. and perhaps that made that type of man think she was good prey (they were wrong) as opposed to a closed off, resting bitch face type woman ..
But why the fk should women have to change their demeanour and act in a way they don't want to or that isn't natural for them because of predatory, cheating men. To me that's wrong.

Vulnerability doesn't mean you are not confident, successful or strong in your life. Or that you're not outgoing or open, or that you have to be a po faced bitch. It refers to the inner resilience that you do not get so scarred by men, that you write off an entire species for a few bad eggs. And few it is - in your entire lifetime of people you have crossed paths with, you really think these few examples are representative?

To put it into perspective, do you really think meeting a few rubbish men out of the BILLIONS in the world is really cause to be cynical about all men?? A lot of women will put no more thought into a rubbish guy, other than, "Oh, he's rubbish, pity, NEXT". They don't get bogged down in a notion that every bad interaction is a personal affront, or that someone chancing his luck is indicative of a bigger societal problem. That is the energy jerky men sense. This lack of confidence in your own abilities to maintain perspective, not feel victimised constantly, and spiral into despair so easily - is the vulnerability I was referring to.

This is YOUR life. You have a choice to either introspect and realise there is something wrong that you expect a world to have no bad guys, and when you meet a few your view is so easily tarnished. You have the choice to decide that you won't let the very men you despise ruin your life and chances of meeting someone good. Or you can bury yourself away, getting more bitter and cynical, which in turn will turn off any half decent guy. Even babies can sense negative energy, so people definitely can.

that you write off an entire species for a few bad eggs

Id agree with most of your posts but to be fair to op, I wouldn't say it's a few bad eggs. It's a significant portion of the male population.

That doesn't mean that you should get bitter, disheartened, super pessimistic, take it personally etc though. I agree you have to just think "dickhead, next" .. but if there are many of them and if they're in a row you can understand how women might feel.

What stuck out to me is your mention that you're trusting by nature. If that is true you're walking around with a big fat target on your back for all kinds of bad men. If you were kind by nature that would be great but kindness is different from trust. As an adult it doesn't make sense at all to be trusting by nature when basic common sense tells you that not everybody is worthy of our trust, and being inappropriately trusting often leads to some hurtful and even dangerous situations.

It is very unwise and imprudent to be trusting by nature because trust is something that should be earnt over time otherwise what on earth are you basing your trust on when you don't properly know the person?

I have friends like you who would describe themselves as "trusting by nature" which actually boils down to them being naive by nature (and yes, even as a woman I could sense it when I initially met them!) Unfortunately they tend to attract a higher percentage of bad men and regularly find themselves in situations that others can see from the outset they could have avoided if they were more discerning. Sadly they've been badly hurt by men who have taken advantage of them and their naivety.

I suspect you have the same problem as these my friends but you're oblivious to it because you don't discern situations, which as others have said, men can then sense your naivety and pounce on it. Yes there are bad men about but you can reduce how often you deal with them by taking steps yourself to stop yourself being a magnet. I would suggest you ask friends who are prudent ,for their advice when you meet a new guy as they can help you identify earlier on if he's a wrong 'un

Thanks for all your thoughts and replies.

@RantyAnty I do believe there are genuine and honest men out there, you just have to weed them out and have your wits about you whilst you suss them out. Porn a la 1997 fine, todays porn, choking, violent anal, the use of the word ‘daddy’ no, just no. Ex also loved his porn, anything ‘teen’ and he was there. It’s gone too far.

@MrMeeseekscando pleased I’m not the only one, spent some time musing that I might be a flirty husband stealing trollop, nope, definitely not!

@B1rdflyinghigh I’ve always kept well away from OLD due to friends experiences, I’ve heard stories that I’ve found hard to believe even though they are true. I wish you the best of luck and hope you meet someone who makes you happy. I think being friendly can be easily mistaken as a come on by some men, poor deluded souls.

@StripeyandConfused 😂 you made me laugh, I agree.

@Ohalrightthen I didn’t want to report him as he has young children, I don’t want to be responsible for him losing his job and his children going without. His wife I feel very bad for. My child has always been his ‘pet’ it has been noticed by others, if his behaviour changed towards my son it would be noticed. Yes it was an abuse of power without a doubt, no doubt he misconstrued my remark about being a bit lonely during lockdown, I didn’t know that being a bit lonely were code words for up for an affair. He actually disgusted me.

@GiraffeNecked that doesn’t shock me at all, I had a male friend when I was younger who would hit on women until one was up for it. I’m no prude but I’ve never had no strings sex, it’s not for me, too cold.

@BigFatLiar players definitely use OLD, it must be like a catalogue for them, ooohhh what do I fancy this weekend, a busty blonde or a petite brunette. Just yuck!

@EarthSight agree 100%, I have a close male friend I went to school with, he’s asexual, not interested, he’s busy with work, hobbies etc. He loves the company of women but has no sex drive, he’s a fantastic friend. Other male friends have either made moves or made sexual innuendos which make me cringe inside. Also agree with what you have said about cam girls etc. Why bother with the effort of a relationship when sex and visual stimulation is so easily accessible without the hard work of building an emotional attachment.

@goldrabbit22 thank you! I’m pleased you have found a good un and are happy, it’s nice to read a positive story. I already have the dog, cat, rabbits and a horse 😂

@GilbertMarkham I have the texts on my phone, I’ve kept them on the off chance I may need them. I hope not though. He disgusted me, his wife had their last child just before lockdown.

Another tip: dont mention to men that you're lonely , many will see this as an invitation to make a move on you. Surely you realise they can interpret it in this way? I do wonder if you're sharing too much with these men and nor thinking about how you're coming across, so they actually genuinely think you're hinting that you're up for something else.

*not

@ItsBeyondMe

I don’t agree with PPs. I’ve been single for seven years now. I’m not vulnerable. I’m not looking for a man. I give out very strong signals that I’m confident etc. With the exception of ONE guy, every single man that has asked me out/tried it on with me, turned out to be in a relationship. Every time I found out with very little effort. None of them denied it when I confronted them. Obviously I didn’t go out with them again when I found out they were attached. OP, I’m in complete agreement with you.

I agree and think that people who tell you that you must have been vulnerable are simply victim blaming or trying to make sense of it all and jumping to the wrong conclusion.

I'm strong and independent and quite happy on my own, yet i've had several married or attached men try it on with me over the years when i've not asked for it. Absolute BS

I reckon about 99% of men would cheat if given the chance.

I know alot of women who would too.

@LilyWater I’m not that naive, I wouldn’t tell a random bloke I’m lonely, I was asked about my mental health and I answered honestly, should I have not?

Thanks for all replies, will be back to read and reply, it has been food for thought.

YANBU listening to my friends (and their friends) plus work colleagues. Where have all the good men gone...

I do wonder to what extent OLD has completely changed the dating landscape.
When I was late teens and early 20s (about 20 years ago!) you might get a number on a night out and then go from there.
I think OLD has positives and is a far easier 'gateway' but to be talking to multiple people (I think everyone does it) doesnt exactly help with feeling secure and trusting.

A lot of decent men and women that get screwed over probably don't feel the same way afterwards. More on guard and less interested in a new relationship in quite the same way