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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I look exactly like his ex

43 replies

FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 09:46

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for a few months. All going really well, absolutely no red flags at all. If anything I think he’s hugely out of my league and I’m not sure why he’s interested in me but that probably just my lack of self esteem rather than anything else.

He split from his ex about 3 years ago. It was a bit of a messy split from what I can gather - she left him for someone else and he had a complete breakdown as a result, was signed off work with stress for months, had to have counselling for over a year. Although he seems to be over it as much as you can be it obviously hurt him massively.

Anyway, out of sheer nosiness I looked up his wife on social media. She looks identical to me. Not just similar, genuinely identical. I could understand if it was something like we were both blonde/ similar body type/ whatever as that may just be his ‘type’. But there was one photo where she was wearing sunglasses, I showed it to my best friend and she genuinely thought it was me.

Is that massively weird? We met online, I only had a couple of photos of me on my profile. The first time that we met he said that he thought I looked different to my photos. I asked if that was a bad thing and he said that I looked much better in real life than I did in my photos. He couldn’t stop staring at me and smiling on our first few dates. I thought that was because he fancied me but now I’m thinking that it’s because he realised he’s just found a clone of his wife.

Should I say something? I’m supposed to be going for a birthday dinner with his parents in a few weeks, there’s absolutely no way they won’t immediately think that he’s with me because I look like his ex wife.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/10/2020 09:53

Oh dear. Its a shame but I couldn't deal with that.

If the breakup was traumatic to the point of a full on breakdown, there's no way he would date someone with such a strong resemblance to someone who hurt him so badly - UNLESS he was still hung up on her.

The thought of meeting his family is just... So. Awkward.

CalmDown7 · 19/10/2020 10:02

Is it just me who wants to see the pics ha ha

This is crazy, how alike are we talking? Like super similar features, eye colour etc x

MMmomDD · 19/10/2020 10:04

I think you are overthinking and, more importantly, have some issues with self esteem.
There are no leagues... If he likes you - he likes you.

As to the resemblance to his ex. Thing is - any resemblance is only something one notices at the moment of meeting, and then you start talking and start getting to know the other person. And then form a relationship with the ‘whole person’ rather than the original visual impression.
What I am saying - just having a similar face isn’t enough to form a basis for a relationship. And, also - sunglasses make many faces look similar.

So - I think it comes back to your insecurity about yourself. Not sure how but you need to try to not put yourself down.

Just try to enjoy your relationship. Many people have types they find attractive. He is dating you, not her. Everybody has a past.

WildCherryBlossom · 19/10/2020 10:06

Some people do have a very clearly defined physical type. Look at pictures of Rod Stewart's wives and girlfriends or Boris Becker's.

Anordinarymum · 19/10/2020 10:06

I get that he looked for a certain 'type' for the want of a better word.. when he decided to start dating again which must have been quite a step for him to take after a messy break up.

If there is nothing to worry about as regards your relationship then just ask him ?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 19/10/2020 10:11

Has he ever called you her name?

FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 10:28

No, never called me by her name or said/ done anything to suggest that he sees me as a replacement for her.

I’m not going to share photos obviously but it is genuinely ridiculous. We have different eye colour and she’s a few years older than me but other than that absolutely identical. There is no way someone would meet me as my partners new girlfriend and not immediately think that I look like her.

I’m going to have to say something aren’t I?

OP posts:
Savemyusername01 · 19/10/2020 10:30

I had that. I only knew when I started meeting his family and friends and someone thought I was his ex-wife’s sister Confused.

LookatMeLookatMeLookatMuiii · 19/10/2020 10:32

Are you dating Rod Stewart Wink?

I would definitely be talking to him about it!!

FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 10:40

Ha, no not Rod Stewart Grin. Although him I can understand- he goes for younger blonde models. It’s our faces that are the same. We’ve got a similar body shape and dress sense from what I can tell but nothing that would be unusual. But our face and hair are the same. There’s a few photos on her SM (I know it makes me sound like a stalker) where she is in a group or not a close up and I have to really look to tell whether it’s me or her.

OP posts:
81Byerley · 19/10/2020 10:48

I think I'd be dying my hair before that first meeting with his parents!!

Sunnydaysstillhere · 19/10/2020 10:57

Suggest you are considering a massive style change and see his reaction...
Hair cut /colour or a others makeover /down.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 19/10/2020 10:58

*clothes not others!

FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 11:04

sunnydaysstillhere I’d need a face transplant to stop looking like her Grin

OP posts:
MushMonster · 19/10/2020 11:07

He has a tight definition for his type! That is all. If you are happy with him, there should be no issue. Though get ready to have comments as you get to know his family and friends.

Suzi888 · 19/10/2020 11:08

I’m also of the opinion you are overthinking this way too much.

What exactly would you say Confusedstalking your ex and notice we look the same.
If it bothers you change your hairstyle and colour.

Badgerbadger88 · 19/10/2020 11:08

My ex did this! Shock I broke up with him and he didn’t take it well. His girlfriend after me looked so similar - our mutual friends felt really uncomfortable about it.

They’re still together 10 years later though so they must be happy Smile

Badgerbadger88 · 19/10/2020 11:09

Dye your hair and see what happens Grin

Bunnymumy · 19/10/2020 11:23

Another vote for dye your hair and see how he takes it.

It might be that he has a type and coincidence. Or just subconscious that he picked you initially because of his ex but then grew to love you for you.

But I would also be wondering you (and perhaps even she) filled a space designated 'girlfriend', seeing you as props in his life rather than actual people. Did he love bomb in the beginning? (I suppose the smitten looks would come under this behaviour tbf).

I would certainly be wondering as to how genuine his feelings are.

I actually would be tempted to confront him too. But maybe don't just yet. Take some time, step back and analyse.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2020 12:24

How weird.......I think I'd find it a bit unsettling too

Opentooffers · 19/10/2020 12:29

If hairstyles and colour happen to be the same, I really would change it. It would be interesting to see his reaction to changes made. If he seems to go off you, you have your answer.

FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 12:30

We’ve only been seeing each other a few months so still very much in the honeymoon phase constantly shagging. I wouldn’t consider him to be ‘love bombing’ me - he’s just really lovely and kind to me. He’s not made any wild gestures or claiming to be in love with me or wanting to move in with me or anything that I would consider to be love bombing. I only split with my husband at the beginning of the year and we’re not divorced yet. New man seems respectful of that and is happy to take it as slow as I want.

As I said, absolutely no red flags at all. My marriage was long, lonely and unhappy so I definitely have self esteem issues which are probably effecting how I’m viewing this. I think it
I’ll try and just put it to the back of my mind but prepare myself for people to possibly make comments. I’m also not going to look at any more of her social media before I accidentally like one of her posts and die of mortification.

OP posts:
FeckArseDrinkGirls · 19/10/2020 12:31

I really don’t want to dye my hair. I have very light blonde hair so even if I put a temporary dye on it it’s an absolute bigger to get out again.

OP posts:
seensome · 19/10/2020 12:33

Don't change your appearance, it's who you are. I think some men just go for a certain type of look, I would pay attention to how he treats you, if mentions her too much I would worry that he wasn't over her.

LaBellina · 19/10/2020 12:36

OP appearently he has a type.
Nothing wrong with that.

One of my exes is also really my type looks wise and I still turn around to admire a guy that looks like him if I see such guy on the street. I wouldn't take my ex back for all the money in the world and I'm happily married. Sorry but I think you're overthinking this. Unless he talks about her all the time, is trying to make you dress her like her or other odd behavior that indicates he wants you as a copy of her, I wouldn't worry about it.

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