Intrusive thoughts after breakdown thread...

[RussetandGold]

Early morning anxiety is always the worst.
My stomach is doing butterflies.

Does anyone want to share their wobbly thoughts here?

He is not here.
But I have to remember that he wouldn’t be here anyway, because he was always so absent. So no changes there.

I’m worried about loss of intimacy. Who will tell me stuff.
But that’s ok. I have close friends who will tell me if I smell/that I need to do x or y

I’m sad about the memories.
That’s ok. It’s just cos they are so raw. In time they will hurt less.

I need to hang onto the fact he has freed up my life. I will take space to be happy alone again. I’m time there might be another man. This time I will choose one who is not taking off all the time. I mustn’t have one night stands with whoever. They are destructive to me.

Just writing this down. Make myself feel better & ready to face the DCs later.

The problem with messed up people is they project their misery onto others who think they can change the world for that person because they love them.
But he didn't love you in the same way.

I dated someone when I was younger. He was great at first. The best boyfriend I had. I hadn't had many boyfriends before him and he was different. He made me feel special. Very quickly he wanted to get engaged. I was a bit surprised. We got engaged and started buying a house. He changed. He became controlling and suspicious, and mean. He saw other girls all the time. He made my life a misery but i thought it would get better and hung on to the guy I first met. I put up with him for over five years. He gave me odd glimpses of the person I had first met, and at the same time stripped me of confidence making me think I could not manage without him.
If I could have a wish I would have those years back that he spoiled. One friend told me her husband always said I was far too good for him.
When I ended it I never saw him again but he spoke to my friend regularly and always said he wished he could turn the clock back.
He went on to ruin other girls lives. He could not change, no matter who he was with.
Some men are their own worst enemy.

Yea. He sapped me of my energy and made me believe I could create a world of order for him.

I’m sorry you’ve been through it, too. How sad, your story, that he changed into someone controlling and manipulative.

This chap... his core is gentle and kind but I saw how he twisted information for his personal gain. He did use me, especially last week when I attended an event with him. Guess he needed a final support injection.

I have to remember what you say. He robbed you of your good years. I’ve often thought that this man was robbing me of mine, too.

Ok I sense I am dozing off. TVs m you so, so muchi I will reflect...

Thank you, that should say!

Yes, some men are their own worst enemy. This is so true...

I moved on. I had other experiences. I now have a really lovely man who does not drain me of energy. He never puts me down, and is always here even when I am a pain. We all have faults but he does not seem to see mine.

Life will get better. You do not need a brick around your neck. You need to fly, and I know you will. Coming here and putting it down on paper 'as it were' is the first step to admitting something has to change

You speak such sense, @Anordinarymum. I’m glad you moved on and have found someone who is able to support you. I hope you are right, that I will fly. I feel so alone right now. Engulfed. 😩

I miss what I thought he was/could be.

This is basically it. He doesn’t sound like a good partner to you, you were just in love with the idea of what it could be - but you know deep down that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.

I know it’s hard but it really sounds like you’re doing a great job handling this so far. You left and protected yourself when you needed to - you set boundaries. And you can now see him for what he really is. This is such a difficult first step and I’m proud of you for doing it you sound very sting and should give yourself credit!

Very strong* sorry!

Thank you so much, @banking

I need to hear this.

Wow, thank you so, so much. Yes...

• he was not a good partner
• he sometimes turned me away
• I was in love with the idea of live
• He was really unhealthy for us both
• He would have been impossible to share a house with
• There was a lot of anxiety
• I was not always cherished

I’m glad you think I’m handling it well. Will try to remember that.

Yes, it feels powerful to think I set boundaries. I usually find that hard (abusive family).

Ok must keep seeing him for what he really is.

So much anxiety. Just took a propranolol.

Thank you, so very much. I’m touched by the kindness of strangers.

I went through something similar recently and very wise mumsnetter told me I wasn't actually missing him I was missing who I wanted him to be
I understand how you feel that's why I am awake now feeling sick and anxious over some pointless man but I am feeling better every day

It's because we have low self esteem deep down and poor boundaries

You should like a lovely person who has just been caught up in someone else's crap

It's just going to take time but you will be okay and I suspect bloody relieved that you are not with him

Thank you,@razey
You are spot on with missing who I wanted him to be... but there are lots of memories, too. He got my hopes up last week. I should never have agreed to be with him last week.

Sorry you are feeling sick and anxious too, but glad it has got better. I’m hoping mine will as well.

Too true about low self esteem and poor boundaries, but also he made me believe there could be a future. I guess there’s no fool like a romantic fool...

You should like a lovely person who has just been caught up in someone else's crap

It's just going to take time but you will be okay and I suspect bloody relieved that you are not with him

That's what they do they future fake and we suck it up

If you were feeling better about yourself you wouldn't give them the time of day

These men are nothing special at all we just have put them on a pedestal and think that there is no one else out there for some inexplicable reason

Remember it's his issues that he has taken out on you

I think it's about attachment theory as well if you google it

We sound anxious attachment and we need to look for kind support men, not men with issues

I think the other thing you need to think about is the no contact rule

Honestly I'm just getting cross with myself for obsessing about someone so useless but it doesn't help with the negative thought process

Keep checking that list you have made that's who he really is , anything else is just who you wanted him to be

Do something nice for yourself today

Its si tough @razey
Currently I keep thinking I would take him back. Just one last go. We got to the stage where we talked earnestly and frankly about the future.

I’m trying to find the anger to drive me. All our friends said we are in love & it could be saved. I just can’t believe it’s over.

Totally agree about anxious attachments.

Trying to keep busy. Meeting a friend later. Urgh ffs lockdown will be so hard.

People see what you show them
I'm sure if you showed them that list your friends wouldn't agree

This is a reflection on how you feel about yourself not him

The next time it happens you would be even worse

Use lockdown to really work out the things you love doing and do that

Trust me I am going through exactly the same !
It's easier said than done but it will get easier

No one worth having would make you question it they are just there and make you feel secure

I wish toxic men would just fuck off !

natashaadamo.com/can-people-change/

Block him on everything so he can't draw you back in.

Give it a few weeks and a clear head and you'll be far stronger to resist and deal with his shit.

Some of the things you've said are quite passive - that his plans impacted on your time with your children and he has left, letting him get your hopes up and about him leaving the door open. Only you can control whether he has the power to do those things. You have agency. You can say no.

You know the truth. You know the reality.

Your friends will say shit like you're both in love and it can be saved because they are being 'nice'. What they should do is be 'kind' and tell you the truth.

He's just a man. He's nothing special. An unkind, selfish, dirty, bullying man. And no one needs one of them in their life!