Intrusive thoughts after breakdown thread...

[RussetandGold]

Early morning anxiety is always the worst.
My stomach is doing butterflies.

Does anyone want to share their wobbly thoughts here?

He is not here.
But I have to remember that he wouldn’t be here anyway, because he was always so absent. So no changes there.

I’m worried about loss of intimacy. Who will tell me stuff.
But that’s ok. I have close friends who will tell me if I smell/that I need to do x or y

I’m sad about the memories.
That’s ok. It’s just cos they are so raw. In time they will hurt less.

I need to hang onto the fact he has freed up my life. I will take space to be happy alone again. I’m time there might be another man. This time I will choose one who is not taking off all the time. I mustn’t have one night stands with whoever. They are destructive to me.

Just writing this down. Make myself feel better & ready to face the DCs later.

[BeQuick]

Block him on everything so he can't draw you back in.

Give it a few weeks and a clear head and you'll be far stronger to resist and deal with his shit.

Some of the things you've said are quite passive - that his plans impacted on your time with your children and he has left, letting him get your hopes up and about him leaving the door open. Only you can control whether he has the power to do those things. You have agency. You can say no.

You know the truth. You know the reality.

Your friends will say shit like you're both in love and it can be saved because they are being 'nice'. What they should do is be 'kind' and tell you the truth.

He's just a man. He's nothing special. An unkind, selfish, dirty, bullying man. And no one needs one of them in their life!

[razey]

natashaadamo.com/can-people-change/

[razey]

People see what you show them
I'm sure if you showed them that list your friends wouldn't agree

This is a reflection on how you feel about yourself not him


The next time it happens you would be even worse

Use lockdown to really work out the things you love doing and do that

Trust me I am going through exactly the same !
It's easier said than done but it will get easier

No one worth having would make you question it they are just there and make you feel secure

I wish toxic men would just fuck off !

[RussetandGold]

Its si tough @razey
Currently I keep thinking I would take him back. Just one last go. We got to the stage where we talked earnestly and frankly about the future.

I’m trying to find the anger to drive me. All our friends said we are in love & it could be saved. I just can’t believe it’s over.

Totally agree about anxious attachments.

Trying to keep busy. Meeting a friend later. Urgh ffs lockdown will be so hard.

[razey]

That's what they do they future fake and we suck it up

If you were feeling better about yourself you wouldn't give them the time of day

These men are nothing special at all we just have put them on a pedestal and think that there is no one else out there for some inexplicable reason

Remember it's his issues that he has taken out on you

I think it's about attachment theory as well if you google it

We sound anxious attachment and we need to look for kind support men, not men with issues


I think the other thing you need to think about is the no contact rule

Honestly I'm just getting cross with myself for obsessing about someone so useless but it doesn't help with the negative thought process

Keep checking that list you have made that's who he really is , anything else is just who you wanted him to be

Do something nice for yourself today

[RussetandGold]

Thank you,@razey
You are spot on with missing who I wanted him to be... but there are lots of memories, too. He got my hopes up last week. I should never have agreed to be with him last week.

Sorry you are feeling sick and anxious too, but glad it has got better. I’m hoping mine will as well.

Too true about low self esteem and poor boundaries, but also he made me believe there could be a future. I guess there’s no fool like a romantic fool...

You should like a lovely person who has just been caught up in someone else's crap

It's just going to take time but you will be okay and I suspect bloody relieved that you are not with him

[razey]

I went through something similar recently and very wise mumsnetter told me I wasn't actually missing him I was missing who I wanted him to be
I understand how you feel that's why I am awake now feeling sick and anxious over some pointless man but I am feeling better every day


It's because we have low self esteem deep down and poor boundaries

You should like a lovely person who has just been caught up in someone else's crap

It's just going to take time but you will be okay and I suspect bloody relieved that you are not with him

[RussetandGold]

Thank you so much, @banking

I need to hear this.

Wow, thank you so, so much. Yes...

• he was not a good partner
  
• he sometimes turned me away
  
• I was in love with the idea of live
  
• He was really unhealthy for us both
  
• He would have been impossible to share a house with
  
• There was a lot of anxiety
  
• I was not always cherished
  

I’m glad you think I’m handling it well. Will try to remember that.

Yes, it feels powerful to think I set boundaries. I usually find that hard (abusive family).

Ok must keep seeing him for what he really is.

So much anxiety. Just took a propranolol.

Thank you, so very much. I’m touched by the kindness of strangers.

[banking]

Very strong* sorry!

[banking]

I miss what I thought he was/could be.

This is basically it. He doesn’t sound like a good partner to you, you were just in love with the idea of what it could be - but you know deep down that it wasn’t a healthy relationship.

I know it’s hard but it really sounds like you’re doing a great job handling this so far. You left and protected yourself when you needed to - you set boundaries. And you can now see him for what he really is. This is such a difficult first step and I’m proud of you for doing it you sound very sting and should give yourself credit!

[RussetandGold]

You speak such sense, @Anordinarymum. I’m glad you moved on and have found someone who is able to support you. I hope you are right, that I will fly. I feel so alone right now. Engulfed. 😩

[Anordinarymum]

I moved on. I had other experiences. I now have a really lovely man who does not drain me of energy. He never puts me down, and is always here even when I am a pain. We all have faults but he does not seem to see mine.

Life will get better. You do not need a brick around your neck. You need to fly, and I know you will. Coming here and putting it down on paper 'as it were' is the first step to admitting something has to change

[RussetandGold]

Thank you, that should say!

Yes, some men are their own worst enemy. This is so true...

[RussetandGold]

Yea. He sapped me of my energy and made me believe I could create a world of order for him.

I’m sorry you’ve been through it, too. How sad, your story, that he changed into someone controlling and manipulative.

This chap... his core is gentle and kind but I saw how he twisted information for his personal gain. He did use me, especially last week when I attended an event with him. Guess he needed a final support injection.

I have to remember what you say. He robbed you of your good years. I’ve often thought that this man was robbing me of mine, too.

Ok I sense I am dozing off. TVs m you so, so muchi I will reflect...

[Anordinarymum]

The problem with messed up people is they project their misery onto others who think they can change the world for that person because they love them.
But he didn't love you in the same way.

I dated someone when I was younger. He was great at first. The best boyfriend I had. I hadn't had many boyfriends before him and he was different. He made me feel special. Very quickly he wanted to get engaged. I was a bit surprised. We got engaged and started buying a house. He changed. He became controlling and suspicious, and mean. He saw other girls all the time. He made my life a misery but i thought it would get better and hung on to the guy I first met. I put up with him for over five years. He gave me odd glimpses of the person I had first met, and at the same time stripped me of confidence making me think I could not manage without him.
If I could have a wish I would have those years back that he spoiled. One friend told me her husband always said I was far too good for him.
When I ended it I never saw him again but he spoke to my friend regularly and always said he wished he could turn the clock back.
He went on to ruin other girls lives. He could not change, no matter who he was with.
Some men are their own worst enemy.

[RussetandGold]

Thank you so much @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC
There was too much drama in the end. He thrived on it.

I wish I could nod off. Need to rest. His lifestyle made me jumpy and I couldn’t sleep, always in different places.

Yes, middle of night so tough. Just me and DS here tonight. I feel so alone.

[WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC]

you deserve peace, you really do, and it will come in just a little while. Just hang on love, the sun will rise in the morning and you will feel better. The middle of the night is so hard, everything seems 1000x worse.

[RussetandGold]

Gosh @Isadora2007. Those are amazing words. I had no idea AH was such a profound thinker.

This passage is pertinent because I really am an energetic person and he fed off my energy. I got so tired in the end.

I did sometimes feel excluded or offended. It was very subtle but it’s true, he wasn’t ready to move me.

I found that soothing. Will try to get some sleep now... THANK YOU

[RussetandGold]

@Isadora2007

You are worth more.

This man was not and is not a catch nor is he good for you.

The version of him you want in your life does NOT exist. And while he is in your life you cannot meet the person you would want in your life.

You are worthy of love and happiness. You deserve it and you WILL find it one day.

I’m about to copy and paste something I sent to myself earlier that I found very deep and interesting. If you don’t find it interesting it might send you back to sleep at least!

Thank you so much @Isadora2007
I’m making a bit of a mess of this thread but it is helping me so much.

He was a mess. He made me a mess.

Someone told someone else that I’m too good for him.

He would have had to change. It would have been risky.

Thank you for pasting the other stuff... I will read it now...

Everyone is so lovely on here.

[RussetandGold]

Thank you @WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I really did love him. I tried so hard. He’s left things a tiny bit open but I have to go with my self respect.

I’m glad you knew my threads. We had joy together but he wasn’t good for me. I can’t believe he ended up buying me a toothbrush. Stupid man. I bought him love hearts sweets they will still be in his car...

[Isadora2007]

Powerful words from Anthony Hopkins:
''Let go of people who aren't ready to love you yet! This is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing: stop giving your love to those who aren't ready to love you yet.
Stop hard conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are indifferent to your presence.
Stop loving people who aren't ready to love you.
I know your instincts do everything to win the good mercy of everyone around you, but it's also the impulse that will steal your time, energy and mental, physical and spiritual health.
When you start manifesting yourself in your life, completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to find you in this place of pure sincerity.
That doesn't mean that you have to change who you are. That means you have to stop loving people who don't want to love you yet.
When you are excluded, subtly offended, forgotten or easily ignored by people you give time to, you don't do yourself any favour by allowing them your energy and your life.
The truth is that you're not for everyone...
And that not everyone is for you...
That makes this world so special, when you find the few people you have friendship, love or a true relationship with...
You will know how valuable that is...
Because you have experienced what isn't...
But the more time you spend trying to make you loved by someone who cant...
The more time you waste depriving the same connection...
There are billions of people on this planet, and many of them will end up with you, on their level, with their vibration, from where they stand...
But...
The smaller you stay, involved in the privacy of people who use you as a pillow, background option, a therapist and a strategy for their emotional healing...
More time you stay out of the community you wish for.
If you stop showing up, you might be less wanted...
If you stop trying, the relationship might stop...
If you stop texting, your phone stays dark for days and weeks...
Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve...
That doesn't mean you ruined a relationship!
That means all this relationship had was the energy that only you and you hire to keep it in the air.
It's not love.
That's attachment.
That's wanting to give a chance to those who don't want it!
The most valuable and most important thing you have in your life is your energy.
Its not just your time because it's limited...
It's your energy!
What you give every day is what will become more and more in your life.
It's the ones you give time and energy that will define your existence.
When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so impatient when you spend your time with people that don't suit you, and in activities, places, situations that don't suit you.
You're starting to realize that the most important thing you can do for your life, for yourself and for everyone you know, protect your energy stronger than anything.
Turn your life into a safe sanctuary where only '' compatible '' people with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving people.
You are not responsible to convince them to be saved.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life, little by little, moment after the moment!
Because if you feel bad or if you feel obliged; you are the root of all of this by your insisting, afraid they promise you the favors you won't give them...
It's your only fact to realize that you are the loved one of your destiny and to accept the love you think you deserve.
Decide you deserve a true friendship.
Wait then... just a minute...
And look how everything is starting to change..."
Anthony Hopkins

[Isadora2007]

You are worth more.

This man was not and is not a catch nor is he good for you.

The version of him you want in your life does NOT exist. And while he is in your life you cannot meet the person you would want in your life.

You are worthy of love and happiness. You deserve it and you WILL find it one day.

I’m about to copy and paste something I sent to myself earlier that I found very deep and interesting. If you don’t find it interesting it might send you back to sleep at least!

[WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC]

Oh love, im so sorry. Its horrible, times like these. I wish I could take it away from you.

Still holding your hand. I remember all your threads, I know this was hard for you and you really tried, and loved him.

[RussetandGold]

I’m crying now. We slept together so much last week while trying to talk it all through.
I’m so upset

[RussetandGold]

@Anordinarymum

OP Can I ask.. does he do drugs ? You say he lived in hotels.. bought things...

No he didn’t do drugs. But he carried a lot of trauma.