Lonely

[Katiehayley]

Hi all. I’m new to this!
Basically want to get it off my chest and get advise from other ladies/mamas etc. Sorry this is going to be long!

I’m 25, mother of 2. Me and fiancée have been together 5 years. Our twins are 3 and I’ve always done everything by myself. He doesn’t help out at all. When women say that I usually think they’re being dramatic as their partner will still do small things to help. But I’m my case I literally cannot find 1 thing he does to help. I’m practically a single mother but technically in a relationship.

I never see him as he works 24/7 (his CHOICE to work that often as he runs his own business and is making ALOT and literally has no outgoings, no bills or anything). So yeah he works as much as he wants which is usually all day everyday example: 6am - 11:30pm he will come home. Only the past few weeks he has been staying home on a Sunday but even then we don’t spend time together.

Ofcourse motherhood is hard especially to twins but I’m not complaining about that. But to see my partner live an practically single life, do whatever he pleases etc really bugs me. Even when he is home he does not help with one single thing. Literally he can hear me dealing with screaming toddlers for hours and does not even come out his room to help.

Besides not getting help with the kids or around the home, there is no interaction between us in our relationship. I’m alone all day everyday and it’s been a very long time now I’m so lonely. We don’t spend time together, we don’t do things together. He’s not interested in going anywhere with me (that’s a whole other issue as he literally doesn’t even go for a walk outside the house with the kids with me) let alone actually doing something together. But even at home he doesn’t spend time with me. He will spend hours and hours on his phone playing a game and on YouTube yet can’t give me 5 mins attention.

Currently I’m sleeping on the couch, where I have been the past few weeks. We don’t even sleep in bed together anymore. I don’t ask for much, all id love is to just go for little walks together and watch a movie at home together now and again.

This weekend he hasn’t even attempted to have s*x with me which is weird. We don’t do it much anymore usually just once a week (that’s a whole other issue) so on the weekend when he’s been at home on sundays it’s almost guaranteed we will do it. However he didn’t attempt it last night and tonight he thought about it but has just gone back to the room on his computer and phone.

Obviously due to Covid it’s much harder now as I can’t take the kids out to play centres and meet friends anymore due to restrictions which is very hard too. So I’m extremely lonely and as I’m a stay at home mom at the moment it’s really getting to me. I feel I have nothing going for myself and I can’t do anything for now as I don’t have childcare. Mentally it’s hard for me I feel so lonely and the thought of another week doing the exact same things everyday is killing me.

Have any of you other ladies and moms experienced this? I’m not sure what to do. I’m tired of doing everything by myself and I’m tired of being so lonely. I’ve had this convo with him and he knows how lonely I feel and that it’s mentally hard for me but he’s very selfish and just cares about himself and his business. Besides that he also hides me and it hurts my feelings seeing my fiancée and father of my kids living a completely separate life to me whilst I’m doing all the hard work by myself and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence

Sorry to hear this, OP. Why is he not helping? Have you actually sat him down and told him how you're feeling!? And why are you on the couch? Sorry but he is hiding from family life and it sounds like you know that something dramatic needs to change. Soon.
I hope others will be along to give you better advice.

You might as well split up and then at least you’d be getting half of that “a lot” as maintenance

Doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this relationship at all? LTB, you deserve better!

(That stands for 'leave the b*stard'as you're new!)

My xh was like that

.

Hang on, he doesn't pay bills and yet you are a stay at home mum....who pays your bills? odd.

Why are you still with him?

You need to speak to him and over a period of days, something like this is unlikely to be sorted out by discussion quickly. You then need to decide depending on the outcome of the talks you have if you want to carry on living like this. You are not married so who owns what ? mortgage or rental and if so who is on tenancy.

Yeah I’ve experienced this. Found out he just didn’t care about me as much as I cared for him anymore.

Also, in another LTR I found myself working 60-80 weeks. Didn’t really need to be realized it gave me an excuse to avoid my partner.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds really tough on you. This man sounds completely selfish and quite frankly I'd be wondering what on earth he's up to outside the house all the time. What do you mean when you say he 'hides' you? Has he always behaved like this since your babies were born? You deserve better xx

He stays in "his" room? Is he a teenager?

Why are you sleeping on the settee?

Have you met his family and friends? You say he "hides" you and given the amount of time he spends away from you I would not be surprised to discover that he's actually married to someone else.

What steps can you take today to get this useless collection of cells out of your life?

Oh my god. He earns loads, pays nothing doesn't help with the kids and makes no effort with you?? Pack his bags and throw them in the street, he's no partner, and no father, you will feel a million times better with him gone.

What's your definition of a relationship? Because according to mine you aren't in one...

What a dire situation.

Have you posted before?

He was never like this before. In fact the complete opposite! We did everything together, he’d show me off etc. He’s become money obsessed which has made him work obsessed obviously so he literally spends 24/7 working and saving and tells me his plans of how he’s saving for our children and going to get us a mortgage etc.

He doesn’t have a big family but I’m very close with them, but when it comes to anyone else I’m hidden. Since having the children he acts like I don’t exist. Doesn’t tell people about me, we don’t go anywhere together so no one sees us together, he doesn’t introduce me to anyone, I don’t know any of his friends etc. We’re not even allowed to follow each other on social media I’m blocked on every platform. He would always refer to me as ‘wifey, mrs, his girl’ and now if he does mention me he calls me ‘baby mom’.

He has this concept that as I’m the woman it’s my job and even if I have a hard day with the kids etc he’ll tell me it’s ‘normal’ and all women go do this everyday. The connection between us has gone downhill rapidly in the past few years so I think that makes it worse as he can’t be bothered with me.

Also, his phone is completely hidden. I don’t think we should have to see our partners phones but it shouldn’t be completely hidden. I never know his password and if he thinks I’ve found out he’ll change it again. If his phone or computer is locked in the room and I go in the room he’ll come in just to double check it’s locked. Now I KNOW that instantly sounds like cheating. BUT I don’t think he is physically cheating. He just constantly flirts with girls on his phone and social media which is why he doesn’t want me to see. It’s been something that’s been happening for about 2 years now. Before he would just do it for fun and he will admit he was an idiot back then. But now he does it as a technique for his business as being ‘charming’ and flirting etc helps retain his clients as they are mainly female. For example, he’ll instantly get their social media pages and follow them and like their selfies which in return makes them more inclined to sign up to his business. To be fair, this technique DOES work and he is getting loads of clients and making loads from it, but no I’m not ok with it. He gets to appear as a single man and act like I don’t exist and it’s disrespectful to me. I’ve had this chat many times with him and he never stops.

I eventually have given up talking about it with him as he will just tell me I’m ‘obsessed’ with him. I Definitley don’t want him to think I’m obsessed with him but I only check his social media page because I don’t want to be dumb sitting at home and not knowing what he’s up to.

Anyways tmi he did eventually come and initiate s*x with me last night, but it’s become a routinely thing now of only happening once on the weekend and he makes no attempt to ‘give me mine’ if you know what I mean.

Someone said maybe he’s married , Definitley not lol he literally is just working 24/7, I have no doubt about that as i see his clients and he constantly posts updates at work etc. But yes the hour in between when he finishes work and gets home he will spend ‘in the car’ doing ‘admin’ he tells me. I do believe that as he no longer does his admin at home eg calling clients etc. But AGAIN he’s doing it in the car so I can’t hear the way he talks to his clients because AGAIN he talks in a flirty inappropriate manor which he knows I’ll have a problem with.

Sorry that’s so long!

Oh also I told him recently that if he’s hiding everything like this it’s because he’s cheating. His reply: I’m not cheating but there’s a lot of things that Will piss you off on a crazy level.

Also, I rarely go in his car and the past 2 times I’ve been in it I’ve found a few long blonde hairs. I’m not blonde and neither is anyone in his family. Instantly made me think a girls been in his car but he insisted not and said it must have been from when he got his car serviced at the garage

Leave him. He can work all the hours he likes. You're a single mother now anyway.
Why doesn't he have any outgoings ? What money do you have for yourself and the children ?
Leave or him out, get onto CMS and get what you're entitled to, although if he's self employed you may find it a struggle. Can you get funded nursery hours for your children ? If so could you get a job ? It might help your feelings of loneliness ?

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very hard for you. He sounds like he is hiding something to me and that he wants to act like a single man despite having you and the kids! When you talk to him about this how does he respond?

Do you want to stay with him? Would he consider going to relationship counselling with you do you think, so you could work on the relationship if that is what you want? You are still so young OP and deserve to be happy and that may mean without him if he isn’t willing to change. He needs to show you that he is committed to you and the family and listen to your concerns and be willing to work on things if that is something you want.

He sounds like a cunt.

Oh my goodness OP
What job means he works those hours, has to communicate with multiple women through social media platforms, has them in his car and there are things that will piss you off and make you go crazy? I can only guess a modelling agency or similar (or a pimp ) Still doesn’t justify his behaviour.
There is no excuse for being an absent father and partner. No excuse for hiding things or his outdated view on a mother’s role.
What is your housing/ financial situation? If you left do you have family?
You really can’t continue in this life

Well he’s in the sports industry and as he runs his own business it’s completely up to him how many clients he takes on and how often he works, the more clients the more money and that’s all he cares about.

Last night he fell asleep with his phone unlocked and computer unlocked. As bad as it sounds I checked his Facebook on the computer. What I really wanted to check was his phone but he was holding onto it and would’ve woken up if I touched it. So on his Facebook he did have a lot of messages to girls but most of it was business related with them enquiring about his service. But there were a lot of girls he already knew and he tried to get them to sign up. There was one girl I remember her from when we first got together as they used to talk and have something between them but he cut her off when we got together. But she was messaging him asking for help to get into the centre that he works at. Anyways that’s another thing, he never had Facebook only made it about a year ago to promote his business but he literally would add every girl he’s every known. No joke, every single girl. I would see him sit there for ours going through suggested friends, girls profiles, girls photos etc and adding them all. Girls from college, girls he’s hooked up with before me, ex’s, girls he’s flirted and entertained whilst with me and so on. Ofcourse this annoyed me because like usual I’m not allowed to be his friend or follow him. He even changed his privacy settings so I can’t see his friends list.

Anyways I’m extremely frustrated I wish there was some way I could see his phone and get actual proof of what he’s up to. I know that sounds crazy and I’d never do it prior but I have a family and live with this guy I need to know. But even the way he talks to women in general he wouldn’t even realise is inappropriate. Another example, it’s even led to girls/women that live in the same block of flats as me. Before it would be girls where he worked but now I see these women that I recognise that live here and they’re suddenly following each other and he’s liked their selfies with cleavage etc and then it makes me wonder The way he speaks with them when they are messaging.

I think the worst part of it all is not knowing so I sit here wondering the worst.

Oh and yes, he practically lives off me for free barely buys food shopping and when he does it will be bags of expired food products or bakery products that he has gotten for discounted price or free. Something else he does, he will have a girl in EVERY shop that he flirts with purely so he can get discount. Ofcourse I know this technique works but yet again I don’t think that’s respectful to act like you’re single, flirt with these girls purely to keep them giving you discounts. He will literally have their numbers and keep them sweet so he can keep using them. One time we went into a shop together with the kids and he was talking to a female member of staff and I walked over to him not knowing he was in the middle of flirting to get discount and it was so extremely awkward for me I just left the shop. He literally doesn’t care as long as it benefits him. That gets to me a lot because I don’t feel like it’s something he could change he wants to live like this. I would Definitley try relationship therapy but I don’t think he would be willing to take time off to go to a session and it’s quite expensive

Op it looks like you're in denial about how unacceptable his behaviour is. Previous pps have said you need to show him the door and you are still here trying to make it work. It doesn't even sound like he is willing to work with you. These things are very hard to let go of, when you've built up a family with someone, but he will drive you mad with constant worry and second-guessing yourself if you don't make plans to get away from him ASAP. I don't think I can say it in stronger terms...

LTB - he sounds like a total twat and whether he's "properly" cheating or not he sounds like a total waste of space.

Stop thinking about what he's up to or how he treats you and just get on with your life (I'm sorry to be harsh but he literally does not care about you, your future, what you want/need, or the support you're giving him). Also, he sounds like a creep. Work or not, who adds literally every woman they've ever met on social media and blocks their partner? A slime ball. That's who.

My view is coloured because my DP's "friend" works as a football manager/promoter and this friend is disgustingly, horrifically disrespectful of women and the thought of him makes me nauseous. My DP hangs out with him as part of a larger group via their own team, but I won't have him anywhere near me or my home.

Given that personal prejudice, I'd still say LTB. You're 25. You're so toung. Youc an get a new job, retrain, go back into education, meet a great guy who respects you, helps you and is proud of you. As for "women do this all day" - BULLSHIT. Parents parent their children and while a lot of immediate care is based on who's-in-the-room-at-the-time, he should absolutely be mucking in 50/50 in all apre time and giving you a break when he can.

Finally (sorry this has been mixed up) he's hiding you because you don't fit his image. He wants to play big Mr. Attractive Business Man with Lady Clients who might fancy him (and it's part of the job, love!) but you, wifey at home with your baby sick and tired eyes, you sleep on the sofa and never go out because you're the woman and if you show your face, you'll lose him money (that he's not sharing).

Also, he's not contributing. Kick. Him. Out.
He's a Gold Plated Cock Lodger.

"useless collection of cells". Love it, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation !!

“He would always refer to me as ‘wifey, mrs, his girl’ and now if he does mention me he calls me ‘baby mom’. “

He downgraded your “title” and that means he’s downgraded his feelings for you.

I do this when I’m dating someone and they will start off as my “boyfriend” or my “ partner “ but when my feelings change they become a “friend”.

How are you affording to live if he contributes nothing financially and you don’t work? Arent you angry he’s not taking care of finances for his children?