Lonely

[Katiehayley]

Hi all. I’m new to this!
Basically want to get it off my chest and get advise from other ladies/mamas etc. Sorry this is going to be long!

I’m 25, mother of 2. Me and fiancée have been together 5 years. Our twins are 3 and I’ve always done everything by myself. He doesn’t help out at all. When women say that I usually think they’re being dramatic as their partner will still do small things to help. But I’m my case I literally cannot find 1 thing he does to help. I’m practically a single mother but technically in a relationship.

I never see him as he works 24/7 (his CHOICE to work that often as he runs his own business and is making ALOT and literally has no outgoings, no bills or anything). So yeah he works as much as he wants which is usually all day everyday example: 6am - 11:30pm he will come home. Only the past few weeks he has been staying home on a Sunday but even then we don’t spend time together.

Ofcourse motherhood is hard especially to twins but I’m not complaining about that. But to see my partner live an practically single life, do whatever he pleases etc really bugs me. Even when he is home he does not help with one single thing. Literally he can hear me dealing with screaming toddlers for hours and does not even come out his room to help.

Besides not getting help with the kids or around the home, there is no interaction between us in our relationship. I’m alone all day everyday and it’s been a very long time now I’m so lonely. We don’t spend time together, we don’t do things together. He’s not interested in going anywhere with me (that’s a whole other issue as he literally doesn’t even go for a walk outside the house with the kids with me) let alone actually doing something together. But even at home he doesn’t spend time with me. He will spend hours and hours on his phone playing a game and on YouTube yet can’t give me 5 mins attention.

Currently I’m sleeping on the couch, where I have been the past few weeks. We don’t even sleep in bed together anymore. I don’t ask for much, all id love is to just go for little walks together and watch a movie at home together now and again.

This weekend he hasn’t even attempted to have s*x with me which is weird. We don’t do it much anymore usually just once a week (that’s a whole other issue) so on the weekend when he’s been at home on sundays it’s almost guaranteed we will do it. However he didn’t attempt it last night and tonight he thought about it but has just gone back to the room on his computer and phone.

Obviously due to Covid it’s much harder now as I can’t take the kids out to play centres and meet friends anymore due to restrictions which is very hard too. So I’m extremely lonely and as I’m a stay at home mom at the moment it’s really getting to me. I feel I have nothing going for myself and I can’t do anything for now as I don’t have childcare. Mentally it’s hard for me I feel so lonely and the thought of another week doing the exact same things everyday is killing me.

Have any of you other ladies and moms experienced this? I’m not sure what to do. I’m tired of doing everything by myself and I’m tired of being so lonely. I’ve had this convo with him and he knows how lonely I feel and that it’s mentally hard for me but he’s very selfish and just cares about himself and his business. Besides that he also hides me and it hurts my feelings seeing my fiancée and father of my kids living a completely separate life to me whilst I’m doing all the hard work by myself and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence

He sounds like an utter cunt. Leave him, what good does he bring to your life?

There is so much about your post that is wrong.

BUT you are only 25 and should not waste your life with this man. He will not change. So you need to either accept his behaviour or leave him.

My best friend was with a lovely man who was 'old fashioned' women cook and clean etc. She put up with it but when they had kids it got worse and she was like you a single mom. He did absolutely nothing for the children. 3 children later and she finally after 22 years has decided to leave him and he can't understand why?

He would spend no time with them as a family. Don't waste your life like my best friend please !!!

You're committing benefits fraud, OP? Is this for real?

No no he is on his parents tenancy still and stays there roughly 3/ nights a week but will stay at mine roughly 3 nights. But his parents don’t make him pay or contribute so he practically lives for free

And he doesn't give you anything towards the kids? Sounds like you're definitely a single mother already and you don't even (supposedly) live with the guy that you've got 3 year old twins with. I'd tell him to stay there next time he goes back to his parents.

You've posted before haven't you OP? You left and went to your sisters?? How come you've gone back???

Its still dishonest and fraudulent.

If my husband took a job that meant he stayed away 3 nights out if 7 I would still be classed as married, living with husband.

Sorry, OP I have no advice beyond saying you are as bad for behaving in an enabling way. Perhaps if you drew a line in the sand and stated you would not commit fraud, or that you didn't support him to stay away 3 nights just so he could avoid his financial responsibilities, he would either cough up and stay 7 nights or leave for good. You are enabling him to shrug off his responsibilities. Perhaps both of you need to grow up.

This is a terrible relationship. You know this. Tell him it’s over and stop letting him use your house as a crash pad and once a week booty call!

I'm sorry but he sounds absolutely awful, you would be better off without him. He has all this money yet you have to claim benefits for you and your children? That's not right at all. He wants to be single so let him be. I know the thought of it probably sounds scary, but you are doing it all alone anyway. At least if he was gone you would be able to focus on you and your children and not worry about what he's doing all the time. You deserve so much better than this and so do your children. You will be able to claim child maintenance off him as well and he'll have no choice. I hope you take everyone's advice and do what's next for you and your twins

It sounds like you have lost all confidence and sense of self worth, So you can’t see how unacceptable this situation is. Here is a man who has a life that does not include you. You are so desperate to be with him that you allow totally unacceptable behaviour.

He is not a father to your twins, he is not a partner to you, he is not even a financial provider to his family. He is clearly sleeping around and treating you like shit.

Take a deep breath and cut him from your life. He will never change, he is a selfish piece of work.

Your babies need a strong and happy mother, don’t let this man ruin your life any further. Get help if you need it and start treating yourself to some pride and dignity.

OP - This 'relationship' could land you in a LOT of trouble and you aren't even getting any benefit for it .. in fact you are feeding him and letting him use your utilities for free - so despite committing benefit fraud - you are still worse off ! Bloody hell OP just how more shit could it be ?

I'm 32 years in benefit fraud investigation. Contrary to popular belief there is no ' amount of days my boyfriend can stay before we are a couple' it doesn't exist. You have a 'fiance' according to your own words. Which indicates an ongoing relationship with the intention of marriage (please don't !) Who you haven't declared.
No doubt if you did - because of the money he earns you would lose your entitlement to UC /housing/council tax etc.

However most people who do this gain an advantage. They get benefit AND the partners income. You have put yourself in a dangerous position for a complete and utter misogynistic arsehole who has demonstrated that he cares nothing for you or his children. He has disadvantaged you legally AND financially! Not to mention emotionally.
Get shot
Which will save you money .
It will also stop you running the risk of being caught scamming benefits - because the amount he is earning could well wipe out ANY entitlement leaving you to pay back every penny.

Please don't put yourself in that position for any man.

Fucking hell.
Get rid of him immediately. The next time he's at his parents house tell him not to come back.
You've now deleted the post which I presume is talking about him not officially living with you.
I wondered why you were talking about him not paying any bills in your OP while earning a small fortune. Now we know why...

It's an absolute disgrace and you could get into a lot of serious trouble.
He is a useless piece of shit and he is treating you appallingly.
You deserve way better than that.
As I said, get rid of him immediately and then pursue him for child maintenance. You will be a lot better off.

You will also feel less lonely too. There is no deeper feeling of loneliness than the loneliness within a relationship when you feel rejected, ignored and cast aside. I've been there it was hideous. I'm single now and don't have children but it's way way better than before - being with someone who just did what the fuck he liked, when the fuck he liked, with who the fuck he liked and ignored me and treated me like a slave.