Refuse USA move?

[usaornay]

My American husband has been dropping hints that he might run his company from the USA. We live in UK, I'm British. He's lived here for 25 years. Things have been rocky in our relationship but are currently ok. We have a young son. I don't know how the marriage will pan out in the long run. It's odd as he's just dropped hints, not outright asked if I would like to move to the states. I do not want to get stuck there if the marriage ended or I didn't like it and not be able to move back because my son then has the USA as his 'home'. I've not said anything yet. I don't want to cause issues at hints but equally don't want to be faced with a stand off if he suddenly starts planning. I am aware of the oddness that he's not asked me. I'm currently treading water in the relationship. Anyone know if there's a pre-move prenup that means I can come back with my son? Do I need to prepare to dig my heels in and stay in the UK no matter what?This is all very premature but I'd like a plan. All advice welcome Mumsnet.

Stay here.
Safeguard your childs passports if you can.

@PicsInRed

He can fight all he likes but I don't need much compared to the sum involved

It's a child arrangements fight you should anticipate - as "custody" determines the financial settlement (or lack of one). Don't underestimate how fatherly the utterly disinterested and abusive can become when there's a financial incentive. Without the money in hand, fighting someone with a good barrister can be very difficult.

It may be best to go early and take a punt on the share of future earnings option detailed above. I can't emphasise enough how nasty a viciously contested child arrangements case can become, for both mother and child. IME, it is to be avoided at all costs.

I know. I know first hand. I dont want to give details to keep anonymous. With a large pot it has to be easier. Maintenance won't be an issue and 50% share would be the worst scenario which he couldn't and wouldn't do. This has confirmed I'm not going anywhere. Everyone has been so helpful. It is just very sad. I'm going to take joy in the little things in life until I'm ready.

@category12

The more you say about his past behaviour, the less I think you should consider it.

I reckon if you were to emigrate, he'd revert to his previous toxicity, and you would be dependent and stuck. Giving him power over you is an extremely bad idea.

Agree. He's doing well at the moment and life is fine. How long will it last and what is motivating him? Honestly being nicer or being nicer to get his own way? I could not cope at all with his toxic behaviour abroad.

I've worked in the States and altho I loved my time there I was glad to get back to the UK so I understand your reluctance. Persoanlly I would make it clear that you have no intention of relocating.

Don't go for many reasons, but also if your son is older and settles there and is happy, he may refuse to come back with you, so you essentially lose your son. He would be equally happy and settled in this country, but children are quite resistant to change if they feel happy where they are.

I’m so glad you’re not considering it. Has disaster written all over it. If I knew you personally I’d be begging you not to go. I’m a trailing spouse and it makes you so vulnerable. It’s a risk even with a supportive partner let alone one like yours.

Re the passports, even though you have your son's passport safe he, as his parent, could report it lost and apply for a new one.

The only safe option is to get a marker placed on your son's passport to prevent your DH from traveling with him without your permission.

Make sure your son’s passport is hidden too.

@turnitonagain. You’re right, of course, people can decide they want to move “home” anytime, even after decades. I suppose I thought it’s more surprising after being settled in the U.K. for so long.

Mind you, I know a retired couple who faced this issue- he wanted to retire to Florida after years in the UK, she wanted to stay put. So he bought a place there and she visits several months of the year! Totally different with grownup children, though, you’re only pleasing yourselves.

A friend is stuck living in the US with her daughter. She is British, her ex American and even though her daughter is a teenager and both mother and daughter want to move back the Dad will not give permission so they can't. In fact they can't even move to a different state. Be very careful