Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Refuse USA move?

60 replies

usaornay · 18/10/2020 22:51

My American husband has been dropping hints that he might run his company from the USA. We live in UK, I'm British. He's lived here for 25 years. Things have been rocky in our relationship but are currently ok. We have a young son. I don't know how the marriage will pan out in the long run. It's odd as he's just dropped hints, not outright asked if I would like to move to the states. I do not want to get stuck there if the marriage ended or I didn't like it and not be able to move back because my son then has the USA as his 'home'. I've not said anything yet. I don't want to cause issues at hints but equally don't want to be faced with a stand off if he suddenly starts planning. I am aware of the oddness that he's not asked me. I'm currently treading water in the relationship. Anyone know if there's a pre-move prenup that means I can come back with my son? Do I need to prepare to dig my heels in and stay in the UK no matter what?This is all very premature but I'd like a plan. All advice welcome Mumsnet.

OP posts:

SoPanny · 19/10/2020 05:29

The only miracle cure I can think of is therapy; and with such a major life choice potentially looming on the horizon on top of what sounds like a dodgy foundation it’s probably overdue.

But I know you can lead a horse to water etc etc

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 06:52

Actually therapy is what has made things tolerable. He's gone from toxic to 'fine', he has done a lot of work. There is much more to do. I think if I do object at the next 'hint' it would be a subject I can suggest he take to his therapist. I think the therapist would be gobsmacked he's not just including me in his thoughts about the USA.

OP posts:

silentpool · 19/10/2020 06:57

I would not go in your situation. I agree with the others, you could well end up stuck there, with your son.

IheartNiles · 19/10/2020 06:58

I dunno why you’re staying with this man, let alone contemplating moving overseas with him. Your marriage sounds long over to be honest.

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 07:57

I'm treading water. When things were bad he threatened to make things very hard if I leave. I can't tell if he would or if he now regrets saying this. I personally know how hard divorce and court abuse can be. Most of the time I have a happy 'single' life at the moment, most of the interaction we have now is pleasant, it's much easier than struggling financially and fighting court battles. I would be lonely either way. Covid can only make leaving far worse. His therapy has made an enormous difference and I have a 1% hope there could be genuine happiness again. Also and mainly, he will make a life changing amount from this company. If I hang on then this will take any financial worries away for all of us. If/when we split I would love it to be amicable, financially fair and not be stuck in America.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2020 09:13

I think your 1 percent hope is also a triumph of hope over experience and that is certainly not helping you either. This is really who he is and he will not change. Remaining within this will continue to make you the ignored unhappy one.

He sounds abusive actually, he has certainly made veiled threats. He is unlikely to be amicable going forward if you were to press ahead with separation but this does not mean to say you should not separate. What you absolutely do not want here is to meekly get on a plane with him.

If he is a British citizen as well it’s going to be even harder now for him to actually emigrate to the US.

Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear.

REignbow · 19/10/2020 09:33

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat he’s abusive and manipulative.

So he’s being pleasant enough and you feel the therapy is working. However, he is making hints about moving to the states.......

Let’s translate this shall we? He’s being pleasant enough. You’ve said yourself that you have 1% of hope of happiness and he’s using This hope to try and coerce you into moving.

IMO, you need to have counselling to open your eyes. If you move, he’ll divorce you and you’ll be stuck there. If you don’t, then he’ll make your life very unpleasant here.

You need to gather strength and LTB.

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 09:42

I've had/having a lot of therapy. This is all true. LTB is not going to be fun, I know the ropes. Covid and a small child would make it even harder. I would have at least a decade of court and financial struggle. Surely it will be easier to wait 1-2 years and leave with an enormous sum of money? Particularly when I'm mostly alone. There is no toxicity at the moment and this is easier than the only other current option. Well, that was my plan but these move whispers are rocking the boat.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 19/10/2020 09:45

I would see a solicitor now and have a discussion about your DH’s plans and ensure that you get your kid’s passport flagged just in case DH decides to do a flit with DS, leaving you behind.

Weenurse · 19/10/2020 09:47

Next time he hints, ask him.
Mention that you have noticed him mentioning this a bit recently, then also comment that you would not consider the move for x,y and z reasons.
If you are truly ok with how things are, then suggest he think about commuting between countries.

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 09:47

He really can't leave the country now. It's not at all possible. This won't happen. I don't want to give details as to exactly why but I promise you I am not being naive on this part. Also I do have the passport safe.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 19/10/2020 09:53

I think you need to nip this in the bud now, no need to have an argument but just tell him that you're not moving to the US and neither is your son. And it would be totally unreasonable for him to try and persuade you otherwise. Perhaps in a post covid world him travelling between here and there could work.

3rdNamechange · 19/10/2020 09:54

You're hanging on in a miserable marriage for money that may or may not come in a couple of years, how do you know it will be amicable and he'll be fair ? From what you've said , he could be the very opposite.
Also , if he is now a UK citizen , would he be able to move to the US ?

dopenguinsdance · 19/10/2020 09:58

Surely if your husband has taken British citizenship, it isn't just a matter of him going home. Wouldn't he have to jump through the same legal hoops as any other non-native US citizen to acquire work & residences rights?

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 09:59

Pre-covid he travelled all the time. The money is definitely coming. He won't have a choice but to be fair. Even an unfair amount would set me up for life.

OP posts:

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 10:00

And I'm not staying for money. I'm staying for financial security for my son.

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 19/10/2020 10:05

You can still divorce now and have the future amount reserved in the divorce so you still get whatever % of it.

My sister has this in her divorce, though it's all pie in the sky nonsense, her ex was full of rubbish about all the millions of pounds he was about to get from the sale of various businesses he was/is involved with.

RandomMess · 19/10/2020 10:07

Perhaps he fancies living over there a lot of the time and having his freedom but staying married and coming back as and when to play at family life...

Sounds like it could work in your favour tbh! Could certainly be trialled...

PicsInRed · 19/10/2020 10:07

How long before the money arrives? Is there an ETA on it? Will it be located on shore, in the UK? Or will it be offshore and/or easily moved offshore where you can't reach it, even in divorce?

I'm not saying money isn't important, but how likely are you to actually see and touch any of it?

An important consideration is that if he has control of that money and you don't, he'll be MUCH harder to fight in family court and you will be exhausted of both mental and financial resources.

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 10:11

@VanGoghsDog

You can still divorce now and have the future amount reserved in the divorce so you still get whatever % of it.

I'm going to look into this today. Mine is not at all pie in the sky.

OP posts:

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 10:15

@PicsInRed

How long before the money arrives? Is there an ETA on it? Will it be located on shore, in the UK? Or will it be offshore and/or easily moved offshore where you can't reach it, even in divorce?

I'm not saying money isn't important, but how likely are you to actually see and touch any of it?

An important consideration is that if he has control of that money and you don't, he'll be MUCH harder to fight in family court and you will be exhausted of both mental and financial resources.

It's not too long away. I don't want to say exactly. Yes, I'm sure some can be paid abroad and hidden. He's not stupid. But he would have to show enough and even a little would solve all issues. He can fight all he likes but I don't need much compared to the sum involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

usaornay · 19/10/2020 10:18

@RandomMess

Perhaps he fancies living over there a lot of the time and having his freedom but staying married and coming back as and when to play at family life...

Sounds like it could work in your favour tbh! Could certainly be trialled...

He loves to play family life. He doesn't want it to go.

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 19/10/2020 10:23

I'd ask him. You're setting up offices abroad. How much of your time do you envisage spending abroad? How will this affect me and ds in the UK?

PicsInRed · 19/10/2020 10:25

He can fight all he likes but I don't need much compared to the sum involved

It's a child arrangements fight you should anticipate - as "custody" determines the financial settlement (or lack of one). Don't underestimate how fatherly the utterly disinterested and abusive can become when there's a financial incentive. Without the money in hand, fighting someone with a good barrister can be very difficult.

It may be best to go early and take a punt on the share of future earnings option detailed above. I can't emphasise enough how nasty a viciously contested child arrangements case can become, for both mother and child. IME, it is to be avoided at all costs.

category12 · 19/10/2020 10:34

The more you say about his past behaviour, the less I think you should consider it.

I reckon if you were to emigrate, he'd revert to his previous toxicity, and you would be dependent and stuck. Giving him power over you is an extremely bad idea.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.