What is the meaning of 'emotionally unavailable'

[user18594]

Trying to figure out if this is the right way to describe someone... what is your understanding of this term?

Not ready for a relationship

A closed book - does not discuss their feelings & not interested in others feelings.

Hard to say. If someone told me they were emotionally unavailable I would take it that they do not want a relationship with me.

Might love bomb then pull back. Can’t show vulnerability.

I work with someone like this. Never says anything ever about how they feel. It's kind of strange. Every story etc is purely factual and does acknowledge the feelings of others including children. Just never ever mentions their own.

Not sure if they are any different at home and it's a work persona.

This person is otherwise lovely but doesn't communicate feelings, prefers to keep them hidden.. and rarely shows strong emotion. Like almost never cries or loses it and shouts.

Emotionally unavailable is when they're not willing to share themselves with you, they're detached and can't or won't meet you halfway emotionally.

I think it's when the won't open themselves up to you. Not so bad in a casual friendship but no good for a romantic relationship

I think it can be experienced in 2 ways. First someone who avoids any relationship ties. Will date and be superficially romantic but cut and run when feelings get involved for them or the other person.

Otherwise it’s someone who just isn’t into you emotionally. Knows it and doesn’t want to tell you straight that it’s not them it’s you.

An arsehole.

You can care about people or you can't. There are probably plenty of people who aren't looking for a relationship right this second but are capable of having one. But to me, 'emotionally unavailable' would actually mean emotionally stunted.

Cannot form a bond. No future there.

emotionally unavailable people may use loving words that are not supported by loving actions. they may be self-centred. they may appear aloof or confused by your expressions of emotion, slow to comfort or worse, try to undermine or dismiss your right to your emotions. emotionally unavailable people may not take responsibility in relationships, they may be uncommunicative and appear shallow. they may be poor at eyecontact and lack the ability to read non-verbal signals.
Sometimes this is due to culturally learned behaviours, sometimes it can be due to trauma and sometimes it can be due to psychiatric or intellectual disorders. In all cases it makes for a difficult relationship where you will feel 'something is missing' - that's the lack of real intimacy!
Sometimes it can be worked out over time and sometimes it cant.

I see this as meaning they're emotionally tied to someone else, so not available for you. But that could just be my interpretation.

Have a deep, unbreakable tie to something/someone else. Ongoing addiction and or ex/children issues. Too much happening elsewhere to give you the time, attention and love you should be getting out of a relationship OP.

My ex was emotionally unavailable in the sense he had an avoidant attachment style. He couldn’t commit, would blow hot / cold and would use tactics to distance himself emotionally from me but was emotionally communicating and sharing.

I then ended up in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable in all the ways PP’s are describing. He doesn’t communicate or share any emotions / feelings with me, he is a closed book I never really know what he’s thinking or feeling and although he says all the right things something just always feels off and like something is missing because of the lack of depth and emotional sharing. Yet he is nothing like my ex so completely emotionally unavailable in different ways.

P.S I advice to stay away from all types of men who appear to emotionally unavailable. They don’t / can’t change and the lack of emotional connection really drains your soul.

I was married to a dismissive/avoidant personality whose emotional unavailability panned out as follows:

Lack of empathy. Wouldn't understand why things annoyed or upset me. Wouldn't stand up for me or have my back so that I was left to deal with family issues on my own.

Didn't like to be in the house or my company for any length of time. Up and out at the crack of dawn, always looking for excuses to disappear off but not interested in other people either.

Career and hobbies a priority which dominated majority of waking hours.

Never shared any thoughts or ideas with me. Was sullen and silent on days out. Could go to a dinner party and not utter a word all evening.

Would get up early and go to bed very late to avoid intimacy.

Never showed anger but it would leak out occasionally. Passive aggression to get his own back. Agree to things but not follow through, do what he wanted anyway.

Would clam up or disappear if you attempted to discuss or resolve issues.

Would expect your full support but gave none in return.

Never discussed or showed feelings. Emotionally cold and distant.

If you are considering an on going relationship with someone with these traits, run for the hills. Living with an emotional iceberg is miserable, lonely and soul destroying.

Avoidant, dismissive and unwilling to speak about feelings or hear about yours.

Always feeling like it's just you in the relationship and they are empty. Zero reciprocating.

Obsessed with work / hobbies to avoid intimacy.

I've just come out of a relationship with one of these, has completely destroyed my self esteem and made me feel like I was going crazy for having 'normal' wants.

I felt empty the whole time.

Completely get you @Wanttobeonabeach, got out ten years ago, divorced eight years. Good news is you can learn from this and go on to find someone secure and emotionally available. I now live with the most wonderful loving man. Lick your wounds, heal and go get life you deserve

Thank you...it was a relatively short relationship but it's completely drained me.

My partner says he feels emotionally unavailable. He had been badly affected by the demise of a long term relationship and also a more recent one (but less so there) so he says he feels like he finds it hard to let himself go. He has Aspergers. He doesn't want us to split up and actually his actions speak louder than words in the sense he's very loving etc with me. I just feel like he's just broken and doesn't want to risk caring about anyone again in case it all goes wrong. It's still early days and he will be getting counselling for this. I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time but I'm just so blissfully happy with him so just seeing how things go.

Why would someone have to tell about their feelings and emotions?
Or cry or shout?

I realise only now, 10 weeks after he broke up with me by telling me he'd never been in love with me during our five year relationship, that he's emotionally unavailable. He never told me he loved me, couldn't talk about serious or deep issues, clammed up when I tried. Told me he'd never cried at his parents funerals. It was all surface level stuff. Although I'm still heartbroken, I realise now it's for the best.

His heart and head is elsewhere.