About to be alone & so scared

[RussetandGold]

I’m lying in bed alone after my relationship is starting to break down. It’s at the point where I could save it but I just think what’s the point? He’s not really showing me a partnership & I can’t keep having the same arguments.

I’m so scared! All those things I will do alone. My kids are away at uni or at their dad’s. How will I fill my time?

I’m really scared. I’ve lost the confidence that I had when I divorced.

Can someone help me?

Hi. Sending you a virtual hug.
I understand that this seems impossible at the moment but once you've made the decision it will then get easier.
Give yourself time and set tiny goals. If lockdown allows start to do things for you.
The old you is in there and may be this relationship has worn you down hiding the person you are.
You can do this. You're brilliant

Thank you, Fuzzy I appreciate this so much. I’m scared I won’t be touched again. I’m scared I’ll sleep alone forever.

I’m feeling sorry for myself. What if I don’t find something to do? Lockdown really isolated me and I was spending increasing amounts of time with him. I’m so scared. What if I’m not the independent woman I need to be?

I’m so worried. I have my kids by myself now. The responsibility is enormous...

How long have you been together?
You met someone after your divorce, it can happen again

About 3 years.
I’m still wondering if I should try to rescue it... but it means putting up with certain behaviours that I don’t like.

I have to tell myself that, but this was someone I knew from before. What if there’s no one else out there for me?

The chances of you never finding anyone else are so remote as to be not worth thinking about! There are so many people out there! It will take time to recover from a break up of course it will be you can use that time to heal, to find your inner confidence again, to think about prioritising what you want from your next partner and then to go out and find him.

Things are always worse at night, right?
I’m so worried about his I will manage certain things - my car & my house.

My kids. Arghhh it will be just me and them. My life is so empty.

Thanks sitting
You think the chances are remote? I’m so worried this may not be the case...
What if there’s nobody out there for me?

Yes, it will take time. I don’t know how I will find my inner confidence again.

Maybe I should stay in this relationship?

I will miss his voice
I have tummy ache thinking about how alone I will feel.

Sorry for repeated messages. I suffer from anxiety and it’s at its worst first thing.
What if... what if... what if...
My heart is so heavy.
How can I bear this life alone? My routine doesn’t even exist properly.

What is it about your house and your car that you feel you can’t manage OP?

PamDemic
I need to hear this. I hope I will amaze myself. When I first divorced I went off the rails a bit and had some short te things. Was horrible. I’m so scared.

He paid for stuff and now I feel vulnerable again.

I am in awe of your coping so well with your ending. How did you hold it together for your kids?

I keep wondering if I should just accept the annoying things and carry on a bit more. I have a sick feeling in my stomach Having woken alone...

How will I regain the confidence? Is it compromising, or is it sharing? Where is the line?

Maybe I should go back...

Tiggerdatter. I am scared of making a home in this house. I’ve forgotten how to do it. And my car is costly to run. I’m scared I don’t know all the stuff about tyres etc. and I’m not earning enough to get it seen to.

Oh this is so hard

Have you checked if you would be entitled to any benefits?

Entitledto is a good website to do a quick calculation.

You WILL be ok, however scary it seems right now I promise you’ll be fine. One day at a time x

Things are always worse at night, right?

They absolutely are. It's like the darkness feeds anxiety and you are sounding anxious. What is it about your relationship that makes you doubt it?

OP men love to spin us the line that we don’t know about tyres, cars etc. It’s bollocks. The internet is your friend here, you can find out anything. Also ask for specific advice from friends and family. If it’s an expensive car to run, maybe change it to something basic?

Re making a home. I’m not sure what you mean here. Love your children, feed them, keep them warm. Lo, they have a home!

I suppose I’m saying: you don’t need a man. It’s life-enhancing to have a good one, but if this relationship is not good, you don’t need it. You will thrive on your own with your DC. Good luck 😉

YouTube is your friend for bits of DIY and car-care that you haven't done before. I learnt to bleed a radiator the other day, really simple but I'd never known what to do.

Moneywise, work out your income and the outgoings you're stuck with. Moneysavingexpert have budgeting tools and resources you can use. I keep a spreadsheet of mine.

Start little savings pots for car repairs and replacing appliances, even putting a very little aside regularly will build up a buffer. I have several little online savings accounts that I add to by standing order every payday.

Find a garage that family, friends or colleagues recommend as being trustworthy.

So maybe you might not find anyone else. So what? There’s nothing wrong with being single. It sounds like you need to be alone for a while as PP said, learn how to run your own life and get that contentment from within. It’s not healthy to want a relationship to fill a gap, it should be an added bonus that you don’t need, but is nice to have

Wow your replies... thank you all so much for reassurance. I slept so badly and night time makes it all worse. I need to put myself together again. Have to repeat that it will be ok. My income is v low because of Covid but maybe I will just have to look into getting a different job.

Oh... my stomach... my head... it’s all anxiety...

I survived the divorce and I will survive this, right?

Swap the word 'alone' for 'free'. Free to practise techniques that curb your anxious thinking, free to work on your health, relationships with friends and family, free to gain new skills.
You couldn't have carried on like this - emotionally depending on someone who could walk out at any time anyway. Don't go into a new relationship putting that weight (burden) on anyone else. We all appreciate help and support, but you seem to spiral at the thought of losing an outsider's input into your life. Whose life is it?

Yes. You WILL survive this

You CAN do this & you WILL become stronger

There's nothing you can't get info on on MN or via Google.

I was in my 40's before I finally realised that I am MUCH worse in the 'lead up' to things, but that once they actually happen i cope quite well.

What's the situation with the house? Do you own/rent? Is it in your name?

How old are your kids?

If your mind is racing at night, try the headspace app. There are many free bitesized mindfulness exercises. Do these over and over until your mind has calmed and your heart stops racing.

I suffer from panic attacks so I know how it feels. Acceptance and commitment therapy (type of cbt nothing to do with relationships) really helped. I got it on the nhs but it was a long wait. You seem really bogged down. I don't blame you. All the fright of the virus and now all the restrictions banning me from seeing people are messing with my head so much. Unless you suffer from mental health people don't understand how bad it is.

Don't let your intrusive and repetitive thoughts stop you from listening to what you really want. Keep the doing the headspace app and eventually you'll get to hear your inner voice again once all the noise has calmed down a bit. Those thoughts rushing around are just your mind trying to keep you safe but it's actually making it worse. Making you feel indecisive and the alternative could be worse. The reality is you know deep down that something is wrong. It's time you learned to trust yourself again. I found journalling helped as well. There is an app called penzu. It's free and password locked. Can get as an app on phone or on computer. Write all your worries and fears but don't make the mistake of reading it all back when you feel low. You will just feed into your thoughts. Write down what you did to survive your divorce. Write a letter to yourself and him don't give him it just get out everything you want to say. Also googling online for tips on the end of relationship and what to do to survive can really help too. Good luck!

@DianaT1969

Swap the word 'alone' for 'free'. Free to practise techniques that curb your anxious thinking, free to work on your health, relationships with friends and family, free to gain new skills. You couldn't have carried on like this - emotionally depending on someone who could walk out at any time anyway. Don't go into a new relationship putting that weight (burden) on anyone else. We all appreciate help and support, but you seem to spiral at the thought of losing an outsider's input into your life. Whose life is it?

This is such a big thing... if I think 'free', it is different. Yes, that's a good way of thinking. There's a small part of me who still wants to go back to the relationship - he has left a door open - but realistically, my health would suffer, my kids need me, and as you say, I would be emotionally dependent on someone who might take off whenever it suits him.

How right you are. I am spiralling at the thought of losing the outsider's input to my life. I need to take back ownership, don't I?

@MJMG2015

Yes. You WILL survive this

You CAN do this & you WILL become stronger

There's nothing you can't get info on on MN or via Google.

I was in my 40's before I finally realised that I am MUCH worse in the 'lead up' to things, but that once they actually happen i cope quite well.

What's the situation with the house? Do you own/rent? Is it in your name?

How old are your kids?

Thanks so much, MJMG I hope I can become stronger. I was crippled by aspects of this relationship, I really was.

Ok. The lead up is worse than the actual happening. My stomach is hurting so much this morning but I will confront him later.

The house is mine and I'm in a hugely lucky position to own it outright. I really got myself in a strong position after my divorce. This relationship really destroyed a whole lot of stuff for me. I had a decent job and changed my work to go off with him all the time

Hmm I will have some work to do to strengthen myself again.

Thank you so much for your message.