About to be alone & so scared

[RussetandGold]

I’m lying in bed alone after my relationship is starting to break down. It’s at the point where I could save it but I just think what’s the point? He’s not really showing me a partnership & I can’t keep having the same arguments.

I’m so scared! All those things I will do alone. My kids are away at uni or at their dad’s. How will I fill my time?

I’m really scared. I’ve lost the confidence that I had when I divorced.

Can someone help me?

It's funny, when I finished my relationship with my children's father (not married) I didn't even think about the implications, just thankful that I was well rid. I survived house repairs/car repairs/teenage years all by myself. I was younger then and had confidence.

Fast forward to my last relationship, a man who could (and would) do anything for me, especially those things that scare you (and scared me!) but once again I've survived.

I could've stayed with him, but his personality traits made me so miserable, the 'trade off' wasn't worth it.

Am I ok? Of courseis my house falling down around me? Well, it needs some TLC for sure, but nothing a lick of paint wouldn't put right, and I think I can manage that!

Your emotional well-being is paramount, never forget that. You don't NEED a man. I even use a lady plumber..she's great

Thank you, Itsallpointless Yes! I was the same with my divorce! I was glad to press on with my new life and drive the changes. Couldn't wait to get on with it, in those days. Yes, maybe because I was younger. I was coming out from a big house, more cash, and hope.

Now I feel like I'm stuck in my tiny house (even though it's mine!) with a career that's in shreds and less hope for my future. Guess it's early days.

Poor you... sometimes the man who will do anything is not the right one in other ways. I understand what you say about personality traits. Same here, I think.

You are great. Thank you for sharing this with me. Yes, I need to work on my emotional wellbeing to feel powerful again...

@PamDemic

OP, I miss him dreadfully some days. I was on the brink of contacting him last week and my friend talked to me. But I know it's better for me to be single at the moment.

And you will cope around the house. If it makes you feel anybetter, my lights blew in my bathroom and the electrician told me I was very lucky I didn't have a fire as my bf had used the wrong bulbs. And a coat rack he put up is falling down. There's nothing we can't do - (or pay someone else to do).

As for anxiety - meditation apps, running, walking in the fresh air. Also I really recommend This is Us if you haven't watched it. I subsumed myself in it. I'm about 2 months down now and generally feel really good.

I'm sorry you are going through heartache, PamDemic

Well done for not contacting him. Yes, I will propose that I unfriend him on social media and try not to contact him. I don't think it will help to stay friends.

I do hope I can cope around the house. During lockdown, my smoke alarm went off one night, and I coped ok. I have one neighbour doing my garden for me, and another did some ladder work. I need to ensure that I make enough money now, to keep us all, so that I can pay for someone to do these jobs. I was more powerful at the start of my divorce, when I had some spare cash.

I haven't seen or even heard of This Is Us. I'm curious as to what it is! Will look it up. Thanks for tips for anxiety, they sound very helpful, too.

OP you absolutely can do this. Free is the right word. Free to do exactly what you want, when you want and with who you want. If you think you’ll struggle in the early days start a project. Repaint your bedroom or lounge for a fresh start for example. Just a small change.
When I found myself alone again I found cooking and baking relaxing. In the lockdown I found gardening that I’d never done before.
It really is possible and I actually love living by myself.

@Opaljewel

If your mind is racing at night, try the headspace app. There are many free bitesized mindfulness exercises. Do these over and over until your mind has calmed and your heart stops racing.

I suffer from panic attacks so I know how it feels. Acceptance and commitment therapy (type of cbt nothing to do with relationships) really helped. I got it on the nhs but it was a long wait. You seem really bogged down. I don't blame you. All the fright of the virus and now all the restrictions banning me from seeing people are messing with my head so much. Unless you suffer from mental health people don't understand how bad it is.

Don't let your intrusive and repetitive thoughts stop you from listening to what you really want. Keep the doing the headspace app and eventually you'll get to hear your inner voice again once all the noise has calmed down a bit. Those thoughts rushing around are just your mind trying to keep you safe but it's actually making it worse. Making you feel indecisive and the alternative could be worse. The reality is you know deep down that something is wrong. It's time you learned to trust yourself again. I found journalling helped as well. There is an app called penzu. It's free and password locked. Can get as an app on phone or on computer. Write all your worries and fears but don't make the mistake of reading it all back when you feel low. You will just feed into your thoughts. Write down what you did to survive your divorce. Write a letter to yourself and him don't give him it just get out everything you want to say. Also googling online for tips on the end of relationship and what to do to survive can really help too. Good luck!

Thank you @Opaljewel I really appreciate that reply.

I'm sorry you suffer from panic attacks. I've been having CBT for anxiety, which has been working, and I have some propranolol. Yeah, you could say bogged down. This relationship brought up some MH problems for me. Maybe that was a sign in itself that I should have let it go.

Thank you for advice re the Headspace app. I will download it later. I hadnt thought about it but yes, these are intrusive thoughts. My mind keeping me safe, yes. I have always suffered.

Yes, I need to trust my own judgement again. He just texted me and I need to be strong around that. I know I could go back and say "let's try again, once more" but in truth, his behaviours do not make me feel safe.

I'll look at Penzu, too. Hadn't heard of this before. Those are excellent, excellent tips. Thank you!

Sounds like you know deep down you can do it.

I completely agree about the need to trust your own judgement.

Don’t worry about the practical things, there’s this weird sense of mystery and difficulty around “men’s jobs” but it’s actually nonsense. For example mowing the lawn is far easier than hoovering (fewer things in the way).

You haven’t said much about how he’s treating you badly, but focus on those things and imagine what a best friend would advise you.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes I have to do it, because what choice do I have? It causes such distress.

I'll look at it as win-win for now. If we stay together, I will have had this period to reflect on how to trust my own judgement again, and how to be strong by myself. Then he will add to my being.

But deep down I know it has to end.

I haven;t said much about how he's treated me badly, because in a way, it hasn't been 'bad' but chaotic. He is neglectful and leaves whenever he can. I wrote this thread here:

always off somewhere

I've also posted about aspects of his behaviours under different names. He seems to do all the things that make me feel insecure. Every time I talk to him, it's like he takes the opportunity for us to be away, to indulge in them even more! I can't carry on in a relationship that makes me feel insecure. It's like he hears but doesn't take any action. I can't commit to someone who is off every 5 minutes.

I'm using the anger to drive me. Where is he now? Where is he now? I am alone with my son, was alone last night, would have been perfect time for us to be together. But he's not here. He has taken off again.

He is also quite narcissistic in his style and always, always has to be right. This makes discussion very tough. He is very defensive and argumentative. It's never him, always me that has to be unreasonable. I can't share my life with this.

It sounds like he doesn’t give you what you need, I think it might be that simple.

It’s easy to fall into a kind of scarcity mentality thinking a slightly depressing relationship is the best you’re going to get.

I very strongly recommend the old but excellent book ‘Women Who Love Too Much’

He doesn’t give me what I need and he is callous with my emotions.

Yes, I think I need to keep my standards higher. There’s no point for settling for something so low when I went through a divorce to free myself from a shit relationship in the first place.

I’ll take a look at that book. Funds are a bit low for extra things right now but I have a book token.

I use a great second hand book website called abebooks, v cheap and you can even get cashback on Quidco. I’ve got a mountain of self help books from there!

Best of luck

I think once you change your mindset from 'alone' to 'free', a lot of things will fall into place. It will do you good to learn to be single and to learn to enjoy being single. There's enormous power in being able to do what you want, when you want, without having to consider someone else's needs. Want to eat a toasted sandwich dripping in cheese for dinner and watch crap Netflix? You can. Want to browse charity shops and find great bargains? You can. Want to have a lime green sofa with pink sequins? You can. Being single means you don't have to compromise and you can be 100% you. Then if you do meet someone later on, you won't be inclined to erase yourself to please them, because you'll have good boundaries.

PamDemic - and anyone still following this thread...
I did it. I texted him to say that I don't want to be in the relationship any more, and that his life is too chaotic for me. He said he felt the same but it saddens him. I said I felt the same. He wanted to enter into conversation about how I am "an amazing woman" but that he felt there was a "mismatch". I said I can't commit to him, and that I have tried my best to accommodate him but can't do it any more.

Plaster method.

He's the sort of guy you can't argue with (I'm on another thread where we talk about guys who talk about themselves all the time). He's on the narc side.

I don't know about bad choice of partner, but he was wrong for me and yes, for my kids. He made me unavailable to my children by taking me off all the time, to all these places. His version of parenting was different to mine.

Ok. I have my kids here this week. I have unfriended him on social media, just WhatsApp to decide what to do with. I certainly have my head down on my own wellbeing. I need to look after me. I am alone in this world.

I did have a counsellor who was with me through my divorce and some of this relationship. I wonder if I should set about seeing her again? I feel it's almost too painful to reopen contact with her (also expensive). My finances have taken a hit by following him around all the time. I need peace.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

I use a great second hand book website called abebooks, v cheap and you can even get cashback on Quidco. I’ve got a mountain of self help books from there!

Best of luck

Thank you for this tip @ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes I think I may have seen that site. Will consider using them, and getting this book. Need to breathe for a bit first. It has been a hectic and tough few weeks.

@Aminuts23

OP you absolutely can do this. Free is the right word. Free to do exactly what you want, when you want and with who you want. If you think you’ll struggle in the early days start a project. Repaint your bedroom or lounge for a fresh start for example. Just a small change. When I found myself alone again I found cooking and baking relaxing. In the lockdown I found gardening that I’d never done before. It really is possible and I actually love living by myself.

Thank you @Aminuts23 I hope I can. Free is what I shall concentrate on.

It's so hard, cos I hear 'free' but on the other hand, I like being in a couple. I will concentrate on my children, who are here for half term, and then also my instagram photography, as I've been concentrating on that for a while, and it is a great distraction (I've deleted him on all my social media).

I have loads of friends, will pull them up for support.

I'm just not very settled in this house, in order to do cooking and baking and gardening. Have been finding that aspect tough. Shortage of funds hasn't helped much. Ho hum.

Upwards!

@pointythings

I think once you change your mindset from 'alone' to 'free', a lot of things will fall into place. It will do you good to learn to be single and to learn to enjoy being single. There's enormous power in being able to do what you want, when you want, without having to consider someone else's needs. Want to eat a toasted sandwich dripping in cheese for dinner and watch crap Netflix? You can. Want to browse charity shops and find great bargains? You can. Want to have a lime green sofa with pink sequins? You can. Being single means you don't have to compromise and you can be 100% you. Then if you do meet someone later on, you won't be inclined to erase yourself to please them, because you'll have good boundaries.

Thank you, @pointythings I understand what you say. However, I feel like he opened my life up to possibilities, rather than took over options, in that regard. We sailed and travelled and ate out... I suppose I need to focus on the negatives. It was exhausting to be with him. It was impossible to discuss some matters. He would twist the truth. He was economical with facts. He was chaotic.

You're right, though, it will do me good to learn to be single again.
That power you talk about - I need to focus on that.

I guess he was away so much, that I did learn to be by myself more. I need to focus on some of those things. But yes, actually there are other parts of being single, not just the being alone part, that I can focus on, like letting my hair go grey!

I will try to remember all I've learnt from this relationship in case I do meet someone else.

There's absolutely nothing to stop you from taking the good things from the relationship and carrying them forward into your own life. He opened up your horizons and you learned that you like travel and new experiences. That's wonderful. It's also something you can do yourself, in lots of different ways. That's part of the power of being you - learning from your experiences.

Ending a relationship doesn't mean disavowing everything about it. My marriage ended in a fireball of absolute disaster, but that doesn't mean the good times didn't happen. You acknowledge all of it and make it part of you.

I like being in a couple too, but only when it’s better than being single.

The more you make yourself happy when single, the higher your standards will be.

My marriage ended against my will and I was very nearly suicidal. I had to cope (had dc) and then slowly the strength came to me to not just cope but to thrive.

Now I’m at the point where a man would have to improve an already very good life, which I hope will protect me from staying in a bad relationship.

The proof will be in the pudding of course!

These are such helpful posts. Huge thanks to you both for this. I feel so well supported. I have spent this evening remembering the difficult things, and I feel like I have made the right decision.

@pointythings I've been focussing so much on whether to leave/when to leave, that I forgot that I can take the good things and carry them forward a bit. Maybe in time, and when I have more cash. He made these things possible with his cash - but that also meant a sort of power over me. At least that will stop now, and I can relax a bit. Yes, yes he showed me how much I enjoy travel and adventure and new experiences. This is true, in time, maybe I can do those things with friends or family, or even by myself.

You're right about not needing to disavow everything. I tend to be an all-or-nothing person, and that's probably why I am feeling like this currently.

I'm so sorry about your marriage. It's encouraging to read about women who've picked themselves up again. You sound very sorted. Yes, it's probably healthier to consider that there were good times, and to acknowledge that.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes That is an excellent point... being in a couple is good, only if it is better than being single. That explains how I came out of my marriage...being single became more appealing than staying in the marriage.

Yes, I need to concentrate on making myself happy now, and finding the joy again. I've been through an awful lot in my time with him.

Ohhhh... another one with a difficult marriage ending. I'm so sorry you had a tough time of it. Look at you now! You sound amazing. It must be such a great feeling to regain that strength - and then some. That must be an amazing feeling.

I'm trying to tap into a teeny tiny excited bit in my stomach when I think that I am now free to (in time) meet someone who will be a healthier partner. I am so relieved to be free of the guilt that I felt when I was with this man.

Sigh.... Thanks again, both...

I know this thread quite old, but I hope you’re doing well. I today am in a similar position. My chaotic narc husband has once more left me. The difference this time is that I am going to let him go. He has been so so bad for me, but I hung in there for dear life! But just at this moment I feel utterly alone and unsure. I’m lucky to be reasonably financially stable, but I have no job at present. I hope you stayed strong and I hope you’re in a better place emotionally. And I truly hope that he stayed gone!