Feel like my parents treat me differently to my sister

[fedup1710]

I live at home with my parents and sister (I'm 21, sister is 19). My parents ask us to pay board unless we are in full-time education; neither of us are in education currently.

I pay the amount my parents request which comes out to around 50% of my income, I save the other quarter and have a quarter left to buy things I need. My sister on the other hand earns around the same as me but on a less consistent basis (her earning fluctuates week-by-week but it averages out to be equal to mine). However, as soon as she gets paid she spends it all straight away on clothes, getting her nails done, takeaways, etc. She left sixth form in June and has worked since and I don't think she has once paid any money to my parents.

I feel so resentful answering the door to her latest ASOS parcel or Nandos delivery day after day. When she runs out of money she asks my parents for money which they give with no expectation to pay them back - e.g. for meals out with friends, etc.

I know there is a maturity difference between 19 and 21 so I am not sure if I am being unreasonable by feeling so resentful... I am saving money so that I can move out next year but it's taking forever.

I also want to emphasise that I have no problem paying board. I am grateful to my parents for letting me live at home still and I think I almost feel guilty too so I make sure I am as helpful as I can be around the house too. It is knowing how differently my sister is treated that is frustrating me but I don't know if I should just ignore it as she's only 19?

I say this as a 50 year old still struggling with the way my parents treat me.

You need to get a plan that works for you in the situation you're in. Accept the fact that your parents treat your sister differently. Detach for caring/. You're not exactly ''old'' far from it! But 19 does sound much younger. I can't imagine demanding a lot of rent from a 19 year old but in the space of two short years, expecting rent from a 21 year old with a steady job seems more reasonable.

I think your parents are just treating you like a 21 year old who is taking responsibility for the fact that she needs to pay her way and save.

They're cutting your younger sister a bit more slack. (You assume) and that is their choice.

Take comfort from the fact that whatever ''slack'' they cut her, it won't slow down your saving plan.

Its not you, its them. And I do not think this is a maturity issue; this is a dynamic that has been in place many years.

How do you get on with your sister these days?. Are you two close?.

In the great scheme of things now, its not all that long till next year. Have you been looking at places to rent, do you know what the current state of the market is?. When you move out I daresay you won't return there to see them all that often.

My guess is that you're always been treated less favourably overall by them. Your parents are also enabling her which is really giving them a false sense of control and that helps no-one, least of all your sister, in the long run. I am wondering if you are considered more "capable" and "reliable" thus more demands are placed upon you whereas your sister comes across as being more entitled, demanding and grabby. Your parents have caused this whole situation to arise because they have not treated you as siblings equally.

Thank you MuserOwl for that perspective, it was helpful. I think I do need to just accept it and detach from it otherwise I worry the resentfulness will just grow.

When I was 19 whilst I wasn't paying board (because I was at university) I was contributing money to the household whilst I was at university. I remember the engine of my Mum's car broke so I gave them the money to fix it which I think was around £1000 and there are a few other examples (an expensive vet bill, a new laptop for my DM when her one broke, etc). I didn't have a lot of money, I just always made sure I had savings so I always had a buffer for unexpected things like that. If I ever wanted a takeaway I would always pay for the whole family to have one too.

I think I just need to accept my sister and I are different and have different values.

@fedup1710

Thank you MuserOwl for that perspective, it was helpful. I think I do need to just accept it and detach from it otherwise I worry the resentfulness will just grow.

When I was 19 whilst I wasn't paying board (because I was at university) I was contributing money to the household whilst I was at university. I remember the engine of my Mum's car broke so I gave them the money to fix it which I think was around £1000 and there are a few other examples (an expensive vet bill, a new laptop for my DM when her one broke, etc). I didn't have a lot of money, I just always made sure I had savings so I always had a buffer for unexpected things like that. If I ever wanted a takeaway I would always pay for the whole family to have one too.

I think I just need to accept my sister and I are different and have different values.

Did your parents come to you for these bills when you were 19? Why did you feel it was necessary to make these contributions when you were not living at home? Did they ever pay you back?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I hate to say it but my relationship with my sister has really deteriorated recently. I just think she is so spoilt, selfish and volatile. I have given up talking to her as if I say anything to her she always ends up getting annoyed.

My parents do treat us differently. An example is I went through a really tough time after finishing university earlier this year. It was awfully bleak and I felt so hopeless. My parents didn't notice for quite a while and when they did my DM came into my bedroom, sat on my bed and told me I needed to get a grip and pull myself together. So I did.

However whenever my sister is upset or annoyed my parents bend over backwards to help her. She fell out with friends earlier this week and so my parents have been really gentle with her, treated her to things like new clothes and a takeaway to make her feel better. So depression and anxiety = pull yourself together; a temporary falling out with friends = lots of understanding and treats/presents.

How much is 50% of your income OP? Are your parents very hard up?

@Anordinarymum

No, they didn't ask, I offered the first time (for the car repairs) and they accepted it as a loan, and they did pay some of it back (maybe 20%) then whenever they were in need of money they would ask if they could borrow it. I also lived at home in my final year. My parents have a low income and no savings, I couldn't sit with the money in my savings account and ignore that they could do with helping. They can't really afford to pay it back so I have just let it go. I know if in the future I was ever in a dire financial situation they would do everything in their power to help me. My perspective is what is mine is my parents.

19 and 21 really not that huge maturity, shes being babied and yes parents often do treat children differently. You can pull your parents up on it but i doubt they will change. Id move out asap.

Meant not that huge a difference in maturity

[quote fedup1710]@Anordinarymum

No, they didn't ask, I offered the first time (for the car repairs) and they accepted it as a loan, and they did pay some of it back (maybe 20%) then whenever they were in need of money they would ask if they could borrow it. I also lived at home in my final year. My parents have a low income and no savings, I couldn't sit with the money in my savings account and ignore that they could do with helping. They can't really afford to pay it back so I have just let it go. I know if in the future I was ever in a dire financial situation they would do everything in their power to help me. My perspective is what is mine is my parents.[/quote]
If you really thought that ( what is mine is my parents) you would not be asking if you should ignore the situation.
It's clear your parents think of you both differently. You have gone to Uni and your sister has not.
Perhaps because they have come to you for money they view you as being in control of your life and don't need their help.

They see you as an independent person and treat you differently because you are independent financially and probably intellectually. They have ignored the fact that you want to be loved just like they appear to love your sister.
I bet if you asked them why they help her they would say she isn't like you.

Ignore her. Never mind what she does with her money, but stop thinking you owe your parents your life. I say this as a parent of three children who have all needed me to some extent - and certainly some a lot more than others. I try to treat them equally and always think of them equally, but they are all different and all have differing needs.

That sucks. I have a work colleague who is in the same boat age 25.

I doubt your parents are deliberately treating you differently. They won’t realise they are doing it. In their heads I reckon they think:
She’s the baby.
She needs extra help and support. She’s only young and she enjoys her clothes and shoes and things why shouldn’t she, you’re only young once.

Whereas the reason they are able to let her have these things and bend over backwards is BECAUSE you are paying rent.

Fuck that. Can you move out? If not can you ask them outright

“if it would be ok with you I’d like to pay you the same digs as sister does as I am saving up a deposit for a house if my own”.

If they hum and haw just remind them that “she earns the same as me and gets to spend what should be her digs money on stuff for herself and gets takeaways bought for her and, no disrespect, but just because I have had to become stronger doesn’t mean I want to be at a disadvantage to her. Surely our digs money should be the same as we earn the same so we either both pay high digs, cheap digs, or no digs?”

I'm just amazed they take 50% of your pay. You'd be better of in a bedsit or flat share, where they will contact you and ask you for money on a regular basis. Some of which will be given to your sister.

OP I wonder if you moved out would they still be able to subsidise your sister's life

How much are you paying your parents? Almost 50% of your salary sounds a lot. Probably when the time comes for you to move out, your parents will try to stop you as they rely on your money and it’s covering more than your share of food/utilities.

Maybe try move out sooner rather than later.

Your parents clearly treat you both differently and youre only 2 years apart so i don't think thats fair.
Whos idea was it to pay 50% of your wages as rent, i would be tempted to ask to drop that on the basis youre trying to save up to move out.
Dont answer the door to your sisters deliveries!

While it’s lovely that you want to help your parents, please don’t take the view that what is yours is theirs.

You’re 21, you should be out having fun and enjoying life. You are subsidising you’re parents so they can subsidise your sister.

You sound very mature for your age, maybe you've always been taking responsibility where you're parents couldn't?

If your sister is being treated differently to how you were at her age then I think you have every right to point this out to your parents and let them know how it makes you feel. I know that's easier said than done but your feelings of resentment will likely only grow. Good luck x

Your parents are not being fair to you. It sounds like they're using the money you give them (a lot of which you should be saving for your future) to treat your sister.

Since they and your sister will be resentful of attempts by you to cut it down, I'd start to think about moving out and living a more independent life from them. Then you'll be less resentful of the inevitable unfair comparisons of your treatment with your sister's.

Unless you're on a tiny wage, you'd be much better off if you moved out. You are indirectly subsidising your sister.

I just want to say I completely relate to you. Not in terms of paying rent, but my Mum treats me completely different to my brother. I’ve learned to accept that I will never be as good as him, in her eyes (despite being a much better person all round). Can you ask for a rent reduction so you can save more money for a house deposit for example?

It’s probably no consolation but their preferential treatment of your sister will hurt them and your sister in the end. By bailing them out financially, you are only enabling them in their preferential treating ways.

Thank you for all of the replies. I was nervous posting this as I thought I would get told I was being immature and jealous.

My income isn't that high right now (currently looking for a better paid job) so 50% isn't much but I think it covers my proportion of the household living costs. The amount was suggested by my parents and I think it is a fair amount to ask for. If I asked to lower it they would be subsidising some of my living costs.

^"they view you as being in control of your life and don't need their help.
They see you as an independent person and treat you differently because you are independent financially and probably intellectually. They have ignored the fact that you want to be loved just like they appear to love your sister"^ - this is it 100%. I didn't realise it at the time I was making this thread but this is just one example of what has been a long-term issue.

My whole life I have had to act older than I am and I am jealous that my sister gets to be a typical teenager when at that age I had to have a lot of responsibility. I feel old at 21.

I feel like I am treated like the parent in the house. Like I am told in the run up to my birthday not to expect much as I'm too old to have a fuss made for birthdays (which I understand, I don't really like birthdays), but at the same time my DM basically instructs me of how all the ways she wants a fuss made out of her for her birthday. When I graduated I didn't get a card but when my DM has good news at work she wants a card and flowers.

I just feel invisible. Like when I finished university and was struggling with my mental health I just wanted my parents to recognise I was a young adult going through a tough time and could do with some support from my parents. I have supported my DF with his depression since I was around 10.

50% of your income towards board seems really high to me.

I have 2 daughter with a 2 year age gap, similar ages to you and your sister...so I feel quite sad that you're feeling like this.

In the past each of my DDs has said I favour the other one and it's upsetting..because I don't favour either if them.

I'm not saying that your parents don't treat you less favourably, but sometimes people only see things from their own perspective.

I treat my DDs equally and fairly...they have different personalities and there may be times I adapt the way I do things, because I know they react differently to the same situation.

As a mother, I would really want my DD to talk to me if she felt the way you do...I would hate her to feel this way, because it stays with you throughout your life.

I really feel for you OP. You're not being immature, far from it. And, if you are jealous, you have every right to be! My heart breaks for you as you're not being treated with the love and respect that you deserve. I hope you don't mind my saying that x

How can two adults working full time have less savings than a full time student?

What else is going on here? Drink, gambling, smoking, drugs?