Feel like my parents treat me differently to my sister

[fedup1710]

I live at home with my parents and sister (I'm 21, sister is 19). My parents ask us to pay board unless we are in full-time education; neither of us are in education currently.

I pay the amount my parents request which comes out to around 50% of my income, I save the other quarter and have a quarter left to buy things I need. My sister on the other hand earns around the same as me but on a less consistent basis (her earning fluctuates week-by-week but it averages out to be equal to mine). However, as soon as she gets paid she spends it all straight away on clothes, getting her nails done, takeaways, etc. She left sixth form in June and has worked since and I don't think she has once paid any money to my parents.

I feel so resentful answering the door to her latest ASOS parcel or Nandos delivery day after day. When she runs out of money she asks my parents for money which they give with no expectation to pay them back - e.g. for meals out with friends, etc.

I know there is a maturity difference between 19 and 21 so I am not sure if I am being unreasonable by feeling so resentful... I am saving money so that I can move out next year but it's taking forever.

I also want to emphasise that I have no problem paying board. I am grateful to my parents for letting me live at home still and I think I almost feel guilty too so I make sure I am as helpful as I can be around the house too. It is knowing how differently my sister is treated that is frustrating me but I don't know if I should just ignore it as she's only 19?

OP,

It's great that you posted.

Your parents are very wrong.

The birthday analogy is very telling.

You need to protect yourself and try and detach somewhat, purely to protect yourself.

Put your time and energy into saving.
Do NOT offer more money to your parents.

You are not a bank for your parents.

They have money to subsidize your sister but not to repay a loan from their child.

Disgraceful.

I think the sooner you focus on YOU and leave home the better.

I believe it is very unhealthy to live with people that show you such little regard.

By moving out and having a relationship on YOUR TERMS, you can dictate exactly the type of relationship you want and set boundaries.

You sound like a wonderful young women whom is going to have a wonderful future.

Value yourself and your many many strengths.

Its so sad op but I would go for some counselling because its hurting you. Your working hard for your income but not seeing the full benefit yet your sister is getting hers spending it and getting more off your parents this is definitely not fair. I would ask them to look at both your rent and ask why she pays less if hers fluctuates she can pay more when she can and less so over each month you pay the same. I will say she is the favourite and spoilt they probably see u as independent but you are helping them help her don't say what your exact wages but what amount you pay so people can advise you if its too much. Eg you pay 50 a week or 35. Just so people can advise you.

You sound so nice. They don't sound as if they deserve you. Make a family of your own with someone you love.

It's shit, and some parents never reflect on their overt favouritism and how it impacts on the whipping boy. It doesn't sound like your parents will change as you and your sister get older. My parents still baby my sibling years and years after he became an adult and it does hurt when you just want a bit of nurturing too, but at least you aren't growing up to be helpless and enabled.

When you get another job, don’t tell your family the salary and hide all evidence, I’m guessing whatever the salary increase, they ask you to hand up half of it.

Are your parents narcissistic or had a chaotic life? Because you became the care taker and stepped up when they the grown ups didnt and its so sad i recognise this seeming so strong and mature and responsible when deep down you are just a kid that needs guidance. You do really sound nice and good natured. It's hard but you need to put yourself first more.
You sister unless she finds a man to baby her will have a hard sharp awakening because that dynamic doesnt just mess up the 'caretaker' it messes up the 'baby-ed' long term too, particularly when being so irresponsible, fickle and lazy is no longer 'cute'.

You sound so nice. They don't sound as if they deserve you. Make a family of your own with someone you love. This.

How can two adults working full time have less savings than a full time student?

What else is going on here? Drink, gambling, smoking, drugs?

This is so judgemental and off base.
It doesn't have to be any of these things.

Working full time, doesn't automatically translate to decent money and when half of it goes on board, it's very easy to see that saving will be difficult.

Would you consider actually asking your parents why you get treated so differently? I don’t know how they can sleep at night tbh

Thank you for all the supportive messages, sorry for not replying sooner.

Since posting this thread I have been observing the family dynamic more closely. I have noticed how critical my parents are of every little thing I do. One example is earlier I left my shoes in the hallway neatly tucked away out of the way and I got "told off" for it even though the rest of the family constantly leaves their shoes all over the hallway. I feel like there are so many illogical and inconsistent rules to follow. Yesterday I did some baking and cleaned up but I hadn't realised that some of the cake mixture had splashed onto the backsplash so I hadn't wiped it off. Later on, I'm upstairs and suddenly my DM is angrily shouting my name to come down and clean up the mess I left as if I had done it deliberately. I had not left it on purpose, I always clean up after cooking/baking. I don't really know whether any of this is "normal" or not. It is probably normal for people to have little idiosyncrasies and like things a certain way which I understand, but this is so inconsistent that I can't follow it at all. I feel like it's not even about the mess or the plate or the shoes but just the fact that I have done something imperfect?

I just feel like it's not a happy environment. My parents are constantly in bad moods. I am planning on moving out next year (around summer time) and I feel so much guilt for wanting to leave and make a better life for myself.

@Sssloou

How can two adults working full time have less savings than a full time student?

What else is going on here? Drink, gambling, smoking, drugs?

None of the above, just poorly paid jobs, periods of unemployment and depression.

Honestly, move out sooner. They will find ways of spending your savings.

I think that moving out is absolutely for the best. Just make sure you think in advance about what you will do in a situation where they ask you for money again when you have your own bills to pay. One of my friends is in this situation- she essentially supports her DM, which is holding her off from starting her own family as she worries she can’t afford a child and running her old family home, as well as her new mortgage with her husband.

There’s no ‘right’ answer, just have a think and be mentally prepared to respond.

Don't feel guilty you deserve to be happy and why should you put up with abuse when your sister doesn't also if you can afford it go for it good luck keep saving.

Sorry to hear how you feel op. Unfortunately I think this happens in many families and is often a pattern that has developed over a long time.

My parent treat me and my brother very differently. He always was given more money, bought nicer clothes but then he always demanded them and got angry whereas I would feel sad to make my parents buy things they couldn’t afford.

Have you ever spoke to your parents about how you feel very directly but calmly. I imagine they might be totally unaware of what they’re doing. Of course those type of conversations are only worth while with people with some level of emotional intelligence and empathy.

They can’t afford to pay back substantial loans that you as a student living out of their home lent them - but have sufficient funds to take your DSis out shopping for clothes and treating her to takeaways. I am sorry to hear that they have experienced MH issues - but it makes it doubly sad that they have no empathy or care for you when you experience similar. You supported the consequences of their MH with significant financial support- it seems they can’t even return this with a hug or TLC to YOU but can to your sister. They are exploiting you. Look up parentified child / parentification

Your DSis is the product of their dysfunctional, toxic and unfair dynamic and you are the facilitator and scapegoat.

Do they both have permanent MH issues? What triggered these and what have they done to manage them.

Step back and observe closely the dynamics here. Then look to emotionally detach and re build a strong emotional base away from them - otherwise they will be a drag anchor on your professional and emotional life and your self esteem.