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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m so unhappy

37 replies

ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 01:46

I don’t know where to begin.

My husband is a kind man. He’s a good person. We have been married for eight years and we have two daughters. They are 6 and 3.

There’s no fighting. There’s no passion. There’s no sex. There is not much laughter any more.

We are friends. I love him like that. I don’t think I’d go as far as to say I don’t fancy him. I do (at particular times of the month) but my sex drive is zero. He’s become uptight and joyless. He’s not the man I married.

My girls adore their dad. I can’t break up our family. And what would even become of me if I did? I don’t want another man. Ever. I just want to focus on my girls. I thought I could just...front it out, put the girls first and forge a happy family life but I’m feeling more and more depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 01:56

I’m drinking too much. I’m not sleeping enough. Anywhere near enough. I hate my job. House is on the market and not selling. My girls are the only things keeping me going. They feel like the only good things.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 17/10/2020 03:04

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it sounds really tough. I don't have any useful advice but I just wanted to offer a handhold until someone more helpful comes along, hopefully soon Thanks

knockedover · 17/10/2020 03:33

Oh honey!! Here with such a hug and handhold xx, I'm in a similar situation myself and I know just how lonely, exhausting and lessening of one's self it is. You deserve to feel free xx

Namenic · 17/10/2020 03:37

Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. Could counselling help? Could you take some time just together and do something like go for a walk, watch a film? Wishing you all the best!

pollyger · 17/10/2020 07:24

I felt like this for years... drinking two bottles of wine a day near the end then decided enough was enough . I left and never been happier . Still friends with ex and he seems happier also .
Cliche but life is short Thanks

ABCDay · 17/10/2020 07:32

Have you spoken to him about any of it? When did he become uptight and joyless? Did something happen?

sueperb74 · 17/10/2020 07:36

cut out the wine, look for another job, do some exercise. Work on you. if you feel better it might change your libido. it might change the dynamic between you and your husband and things might get better. if they don't, you are in a better place to decide what to do next. been there. only working on yourself first will help. x

Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 08:04

Thank you.

I have been thinking a lot. I feel very resentful. Probably about things that aren’t really his fault (or that I at least share the blame in) but I can’t shake it.

We live a few hours from my family. In his home town. His family are here, mine aren’t and I haven’t seen them since early August because coronavirus (they’re in a place with stringent local restrictions, we aren’t). I felt like this way before coronavirus but it hasn’t helped. Before we got married it always seemed possible that we would move back but when push came for shove he really didn’t want to and now our a daughter is happy at school I don’t want to move her and I feel stuck.

Where we live makes it very hard for me to find a new job (as there isn’t much here) whereas i would pretty much walk into a new one in my home city. I feel like my family are always second fiddle to his and the restrictions mean that there is a widening gap between my kids and my family (video calls are not the same - girls aren’t really interested in them) I feel utterly cheated and I feel like he’s trapped me here (and maybe that’s unfair).

He’s controlling. Not of me, I’d hasten to add. Not in a way that he stops me going out or anything like that. But in terms of how our lives are. It feels like he makes all the decisions. From big things like the sort of house we should buy, to little things like he doesn’t want a pet, so we don’t have one. I want a cat. But he doesn’t so it won’t happen.

He’s not vindictive or angry or aggressive about it. But he’s selfish. He never compromises on anything. He doesn’t see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 08:05

I am looking hard for a new job but even with that he’s like “do you need to do this now? Can’t you wait it out till the house sells? What if you walk into a new job and get made redundant, then what are we meant to do?”

In the meantime I’m so depressed I can barely function but he doesn’t care about that. Just the practical stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 08:10

I don’t believe he is happy either but whenever I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it all. We have young kids, of course it’s hard, it’ll pass etc.

Nothing happened to crush his spirit, no. Just the weight of responsibility I think. He loves the girls but I feel like he doesn’t enjoy them, if that makes sense. He’s so uptight.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2020 08:11

Splitting would not be the end of the world. The children can still adore their father without you being in a relationship with him. How can you make a happy family home with someone grim and joyless? Maybe he'd find his joy again apart from you too.

But while you consider options :

  • Stop drinking. It exacerbates your low mood and makes everything worse physically and mentally. Speak to AA or similar if you don't feel you can stop.
  • Get to the gp for some help with low mood and insomnia (and drinking if you don't feel you can stop).
  • Apply for one new job a week.

What is it that you hate about your job? Could you look for a transfer or change teams or roles where you are?

FlapsInTheWind · 17/10/2020 08:12

You have to jump in order to land.

Sell the house and go back home. Drop the price if need be, just get it gone.

In the meantime could you see a solicitor and formally separate? You have to do something active to stop the march of the depression. If you are actively doing something toward a more positive future, the MH issues will lessen. You can't go on like this and he isn't your friend in all of this so look for the path out of this mess and take it.
Be strong.

category12 · 17/10/2020 08:14

Cross-posted.

He's not a kind man. He's domineering and selfish.

mummmy2017 · 17/10/2020 08:16

If you want to move nearer home do it.
Take your share of the house and move.
If you can't, then when you move just buy the cat, and let him have a row with you, either you get the cat or he can go... Tell him that.

ABCDay · 17/10/2020 08:17

Ah okay. I get it. My ex was the same, his control was so insidious it was easily deniable and he seemed to be being perfectly reasonble, even to me. Until I started realising what he was doing.

It was killing me by the end, I felt as you describe. Do you have someone you can speak to in RL about it? Women's Aid are brilliant, it's not just about physical abuse. I'd highly recommend them. The Freedom Programme would be good for you too, I think.

Also I'd suggest counselling to help build up your self esteem.

You don't have to put up with this. I would also recommend not telling him you know he's controlling you, work on yourself first and keep posting. You can get through this Flowers

Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 08:17

But then what? I can’t move back anyway. I can’t take the girls that far from their dad.

OP posts:
ABCDay · 17/10/2020 08:18

Why not?

Original poster
ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 08:27

Because how can they maintain a decent relationship? It’s too selfish of me to take them so far away. They’d be totally uprooted. My eldest adores school and has good little friends.

OP posts:
CatteStreet · 17/10/2020 08:31

I don't think your only two option are stay in the marriage or move back to your family, necessarily. Could you have a look at starting anew on your own, in a third place, perhaps midway between, somewhere where there will be good job opportunities for you, somewhere you like the sound and the feel of?

I agree that he's not as good and kind as you may (feel you have to) believe. He seems to have got your lives nicely set up to his convenience and is resisting anything that may eventually lead to that changing. He's not vindictive or angry or aggressive because (as yet) he hasn't needed to be; you've capitulated.

category12 · 17/10/2020 08:32

They're only 6 and 3, they make friends really easily at that age. She'd move to another school fine, it's not like she's about to do her GCSEs.

CatteStreet · 17/10/2020 08:33

If you can find a friendly school with strong pastoral care and a good community life, moving your eldest needn't be damaging.

HMSSophie · 17/10/2020 08:37

I had a vvv similar sounding relationship and left after 18 years. Me and him are super friends. He's happier, I'm happier. I believe our DD is happier that we are happier. I look back at those decades of being miserable - me overtly, him low level and denied totally by him - and what we exposed our DC to (neutral to hostile relationship of their parents, drinking and at times angry mother, growing tensions all around) is my life's biggest regret. It will not get better. It will get worse as your unhappiness increases. You are not doing your Dc any favours. I'd look for a third way- split but coparent. Honestly you can kick this down the road but it will not bring you happiness or peace. And as they grow it will affect your Dcs. Easy to say, fucking hard to do. Good luck.

Amanda87 · 17/10/2020 08:54

Please Please Please: DO NOT TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR BODY!

I've gone through a dark period when I was feeling depressed and frustrated with life in general and all I did was drinking and smoking. It is horrible for your physical and mental health, and it'll only leave you sadder and more incomplete.

Anyways, this is a tough one, but i would definitely recommend you to have an open and honest conversation about it with him. Also, try and figure out what led you guys this way and whether it's fixable.

You do sound like you have a lovely family and I think giving it a try through therapy is always worth the shot!

Best of luck, sending you a lot of love!

AgentJohnson · 17/10/2020 09:04

You have to jump in order to land.

This

You haven’t prioritised yourself and that’s partly why you are where you are. Resentment is corrosive and once the rot sets in it won’t get better by being passive. Stop drinking! This is only exacerbating the problem and you have to own this choice of destructive self medication.

Making such big decisions whilst in the midst of a depressive fog is not the best idea, take small steps and start talking to your H. Let him know that your feelings aren’t going anywhere soon and that now is the time to get off the divorce trajectory that your marriage is on.

Mamia15 · 17/10/2020 09:17

End it.

Move back and rebuild.

The girls will be fine - they'll make new friends easily and if he really is a good dad, he will maintain regular contact. Their relationship is not your responsibility - just ensure you make the girls available on pre agreed contact dates.