I’m so unhappy

[ArizonaRobbins]

I don’t know where to begin.

My husband is a kind man. He’s a good person. We have been married for eight years and we have two daughters. They are 6 and 3.

There’s no fighting. There’s no passion. There’s no sex. There is not much laughter any more.

We are friends. I love him like that. I don’t think I’d go as far as to say I don’t fancy him. I do (at particular times of the month) but my sex drive is zero. He’s become uptight and joyless. He’s not the man I married.

My girls adore their dad. I can’t break up our family. And what would even become of me if I did? I don’t want another man. Ever. I just want to focus on my girls. I thought I could just...front it out, put the girls first and forge a happy family life but I’m feeling more and more depressed.

Agree with PPs. I can especially relate to the drinking too much and it seeming a momentary escape from the current situation. As I am sure you know, alcohol is a depressant. It's alarmingly easy to think that it's under control but you can quickly find that you are needing it rather than choosing it. Try some other form of escape - a walk when the girls are in bed.

As for moving - I moved back to the UK with my daughter when she was six - she was born on a tiny island near the US so it was all very different. She has no memories of living there really, apart from photographs. So if you want to move, the ages of your girls are a good time to do it. Halfway between your family and his sounds a good compromise.

Ok.

You’re all right of course. I need to drag myself out of this mess first.

Yes. You need to get legal advice first because then you feel like you have more control. You can ask for it to be recognised formally that you are separating. Do the practical stuff and your head issues will clear gradually. Don't let the length and difficulty of the journey stop you starting. Do it before your MH issues worsen. I wish you strength.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step as they say.

Post here for support along the way if it helps. There are plenty of Mumsnetters that have had experience like this.

Absolutely keep posting, there are so many experienced and helpful people here who have been through the same. You are not alone.

I don't think the OP can just leave and take the kids miles away. Their dad can have this legally stopped. It happened to a friend of mine. His ex wanted to move back to be near her family in a town 3 hours away and he stopped her, as if she'd gone, it would have been impossible for him to see his DD.

OP,
Go to your GP.
Drastically cut down on your drinking.

Your husband sounds extremely controlling, no wonder you are unhappy.

I think you need legal advice.

I certainly don't think you want to buy another house.

Sell this house.
Split the money.

Look at moving closer to your family.

He wants everything his own way.
That sounds abusive to me.

You need to get away.

Your children are young.
They can move school.

You need to make a plan.

I don’t think abusive is the right word here, if I’m honest.

He’s not a bad person. He’s just a spoiled little boy who grew up into a spoiled bloke who wants it all his own way all the time. I don’t think he even realises it.

The problem is that when I try to discuss it with him he defeats me with logic and reasoning. He’s a lawyer - he’s clever. He does this for a living.

Kindly OP, if you are so unhappy, you need to focus on defending yourself and not him.

Him grinding you down with his logic is not a good healthy relationship.

Good, kind, or uptight and joyless, they contradict each other.

Be honest with yourself.
This will help you move forward.

He is controlling you because he’s making decisions to suit himself even when they are to your detriment. That’s the very definition of controlling - and yes it’s abusive. You don’t need to be called names or hit to be abused. Look at the effect it’s having on you.

It’s obvious how much you adore your
children. They deserve a mother who is not being ground down and crushed like this. And the thing is, the family situation is their model for future relationships. They are being taught that women don’t get a say, the husband makes the big decisions and the wife/mum sucks it up and tries to make the best of it. Is that what you want for your girls one day?

Your husband is a very selfish man and that level of selfishness is controlling and it is abusive because of the effects on the whole family. Of course they adore him now they are tiny and have no real awareness of what he’s doing - but it’s getting fed to their subconscious as a model for adult relationships.

You won't get anywhere until you 'see' your own situation.

Get advice. Make a plan. Follow the plan.

Stop hearing him. He is not your friend. Until unless he sees advantages for himself, he will not co-operate with you.

Stop drinking, look for a new job and go and get a cat!