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Original poster

Adult Sons on drugs

29 replies

Maxi54 · 16/10/2020 22:54

My husband and I have 2 sons in 20s. They live in a flat which we fund. One suffers from anxiety, both smoke cannabis, pay nothing towards bills or mortgage. Ask for money constantly. I know we are stupid, but hoe do we cut ties. We want to sell flat and have nothing more to do with them.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 17/10/2020 11:59

Tell them you can't do this anymore and as adults, they need to take responsibility for themselves. Give them three months to sort themselves out then put the flat on the market - vacant possession , which means taking legal action if they won't move out.
So sorry you're going through this. I've a close relative going through similar with her 35 year old son and both her and her husband are at the end of their tether with their son. He's a user and an abuser. Horrific situation for an older couple to be in.

nosswith · 17/10/2020 12:01

Sorry to read of your situation. If you do set a deadline for them to move you must not back down, I think, regardless of how they react.

sunsalutations · 17/10/2020 12:09

Simply put the flat on the market. They probably don't think you are being serious. That would send a loud, clear message that you are. If you feel guilty, you could offer to give each some of the proceeds of the sale to help them set themselves up on their own, but make it very clear that it is the last time you will give them money. Tough love needed, I'm afraid.

userxx · 17/10/2020 12:11

Maybe if he stopped smoking weed his anxiety would improve. I'd give them a timeframe to get out, you sound like you've been more than generous but they are both taking the piss.

Hesfamousforit · 17/10/2020 12:23

Is there more to it because seems extreme to want nothing to do with them! You have allowed this lifestyle. Why aren't they standing on their own 2 feet at this age? Because mummy and daddy gave them it cushty by the sounds of it.
Drugs are likely a phase. Doesn't sound like they have matured yet. I think you would be mean to cut them off. I think you should explain its time they jobs and you are selling the flat which is not up for discussion and give them a date to be moved out.

ragged · 17/10/2020 12:29

I have a relevant family experience.
There's Nar-Anon, for family members.

pallasathena · 17/10/2020 12:36

@Hesfamousforit
Why are you being so unkind and so very judgemental? The OP is in distress, looking for some advice and guidance and all you can do is judge, berate and condemn.
Nasty.

Hesfamousforit · 17/10/2020 12:40

I wouldn't say I was being any of those things @pallasathena

Just telling it how I see it.

Jane1978xx · 17/10/2020 12:50

I don’t think the cannabis is the issue I know a lot of friends who smoke it occasionally (instead of a few drinks) and have very professional jobs and work full time. Give them time lines, start paying rent by x or be out by y time

Sssloou · 17/10/2020 13:04

Well done to you for getting to this stance and recognising that your generous parental support is inadvertently feeding their habit.

Do you feel that you have to sell the flat as a heavy handed gesture to make your point?

You could give them 2 months notice to leave and rent it out or leave it vacant (with the locks changed) if you wanted to. I would imagine it would be v difficult to sell in this market and also if it smells of weed, looks squalid and is inhabited by a couple of stoners on visits. I doubt they will cooperate with estate agents.

As PP have said get support for YOU through Narc Anon - they will help you detach with love so that YOU get out of their way of a reality shock and turning their own lives around THEMSELVES - don’t get pulled back in by FOG (fear obligation guilt) - it will be a long slow road but keep strong.

Original poster
Maxi54 · 17/10/2020 20:08

Thanks for all your advice, we know what we have to do. I know we have to be strong. They both have jobs and the flat is in reasonable shape. I just will feel guilty making them homeless, stupid I know.

OP posts:
Ro198 · 17/10/2020 20:13

Can’t you just ask them to pay towards the mortgage or leave? If you feel guilty about making them homeless then don’t. What have they done to make you want nothing to do with them? If you ask giving them money when they ask then I don’t understand how they would see it as an issue really.

Dery · 18/10/2020 00:26

“Can’t you just ask them to pay towards the mortgage or leave? If you feel guilty about making them homeless then don’t. What have they done to make you want nothing to do with them? If you ask giving them money when they ask then I don’t understand how they would see it as an issue really.”

This. You seem to be going from one extreme form of behaviour to another. Why is that necessary? There is middle ground between paying for everything for them and cutting them off completely. Have you tried talking to them about them taking over the bills?

StarCat2020 · 18/10/2020 03:12

You could give them 2 months notice to leave
Unfortunately, it is 6 months notice now -
www.gov.uk/private-renting-tenancy-agreements/your-landlord-wants-to-end-your-tenancy

Also, you may find that if they want to be stubborn you will have to go to court to get them out.

user1481840227 · 18/10/2020 03:47

Why do you want to cut ties with them completely? Shock

AgentJohnson · 18/10/2020 05:04

I’m guessing you wanted them out of your home and that’s why you bought the flat. Why wasn’t paying rent and bills part of the deal? It’s your flat, so you can do the hell you want but I don’t think that abandoning them is going to be so easy given your years of enabling.

StarCat2020 · 18/10/2020 06:22

Why wasn’t paying rent and bills part of the deal?
Pretty sweet deal for the sons though

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 06:33

@StarCat2020

You could give them 2 months notice to leave Unfortunately, it is 6 months notice now - www.gov.uk/private-renting-tenancy-agreements/your-landlord-wants-to-end-your-tenancy

Also, you may find that if they want to be stubborn you will have to go to court to get them out.

Haaaaaa no. they're not landlords, they're parents. They don't have to give any notice at all.
StarCat2020 · 18/10/2020 06:40

Haaaaaa no. they're not landlords, they're parents. They don't have to give any notice at all
They aren't living in the same property as the parents though.

When I was volunteering in the advice centre we had a case exactly like this (except son and GF) and parents (owners of house) had to evict them though the county court.

YellowEllis · 18/10/2020 07:32

Christ. When I was 18-20 I almost did nothing but smoke weed, bunk off college and beg my parents for money for food and more weed. I'm 26 now, just about to get married with a toddler and a mortgage and haven't had a penny off them in years. My whole group of friends in college were stoners who did much the same, almost all now in jobs, serious relationships, some with houses and kids. I'm not denying it was probably hard for my parents - but I'm glad they didn't cut ties with me for it or they'd miss out on their grandson for nothing. No offence OP, I've only seen one side of what you're facing, but it's fairly likely they'll outgrow this and become normal functioning members of society pretty quick. Do you want to lose your kids over this?

Arrivederla · 18/10/2020 07:36

Cutting them off and having nothing more to do with them is very extreme op! The current situation can't continue but having nothing more to do with your own children?!

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 07:50

@Hesfamousforit

I wouldn't say I was being any of those things *@pallasathena*

Just telling it how I see it.

I didn't think you were being unkind or judgemental. You gave your opinion which was reasonable.

It does seem odd to finance two quite young men in a property away from the family home and then decide to cut them out. It's obviously a situation that cannot go on forever - and they will give up weed smoking, they just do - but to make them homeless is a bit extreme. Obviously it takes a while to sell a property so it wouldn't happen overnight.

The boys are surely doing something other than laying about, smoking. How did this situation arise in the first place and are they educated, or do they have particular talents?

There is more to this story than meets the eye and the op has invited opinions so must expect all kinds. None of us is qualified to give advice. I think it is probably a situation that has just got a bit out of hand but we don't know.

FippertyGibbett · 18/10/2020 07:54

Do you actually want to make them homeless though ?
They are both holding down a job and you say the flat is in reasonable shape.
Could you tell them that they either pay all monies or you will sell it, give them a choice ? But you would have to be firm.

yawnsvillex · 18/10/2020 08:06

Before you hastily make your own sons homeless, have a read of Elizabeth Burton-Phillips experience.

You need to support your sons.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/10/2020 09:02

My first thought was this was a made- up post.
I can't get my head around why you would buy them a flat, not charge any rent, give them cash on top of that, and then decide you don't want anything more to do with them.
Your subsequent post tells us they both work. One of them has mental health issues, they both smoke weed. But you don't say what has actually happened that makes you want to cut off your own children? Are they violent? Are they nasty? I'm not sure I understand what the issue is.
I speak as the parent of sons in their 20s, and I know plenty of parents of young adults. I don't know any who would cut off from their children , although some of them do smoke weed, some are unemployed, some have mental health problems.
What is causing you to even be considering such a drastic step?