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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband went out even though son was ill

47 replies

Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 19:41

Yesterday I collected DS from school he was feeling run down, was sniffy and had a temperature. I kept an eye on him, checked his temperature etc. Just before dinner he started vomiting a lot just water and phlegm (sorry for all the details). He was coughing and had a high temperature by then.
Husband was going out (he had told me previously with 2 guys from work). Nothing important just a couple of people he knows well. I asked him to stay at home in case we needed to take our son to the hospital.
He was sharp and said you have a car parked outside you can take him yourself. He did not hang around just told our son he would be back in one hour.
I had a difficult night with our son coughing, running a temperature and restless all night. I slept with him to look after him and comfort him.
Husband left at 5.30pm and did not get back until midnight. We live overseas and he had gone only 20mins away to a hotel/bar.
In the morning I found a message from a woman at work on his phone saying "Of course X I wish you stayed longer... " I had gone to mute his phone so he could sleep. All other messages between them had been deleted. I was raging when I saw the message in the morning.
I said to him in the afternoon we needed to talk. He said what about. I said to him he told me he was going to see these 2 guys and what was going on with Helen. He started shouting at me straight away saying what can he do if she was there as well .. He kept shouting why was I whining about it and that was the end of the conversation. It was not a long exchange. I did not say anything as our son was lying on the couch in the living room and he had been running a high temperature all day. My priority is our son and making sure he get better. He gets aggressive and shouts at me if he wants to bully me.

What would you do? We live overseas and I have no family support where we are and very few friends I am comfortable talking to.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 16/10/2020 20:24

I don’t think the thing you have to worry about is him going out while your son is sick, it’s this other woman.

OverTheRainbow88 · 16/10/2020 20:26

Shouldn’t he be isolating until a negative test result?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/10/2020 20:27

I dont think there is much you can do to be honest. He doesn't give a fuck and it's not like if you talk to him about it, it will get better. I'd make plans to leave

CoffeeInAnIV · 16/10/2020 20:27

Can you kick him out? I would.

OverTheRubicon · 16/10/2020 20:27

He's seeing another woman and as a bonus doesn't give a toss about potentially spreading covid in a bar (I know you're overseas but can't think of a country with zero restrictions on this kind of behaviour).

Sounds like a charmer. What do you want to do?

Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 20:29

How would you deal with this situation? Worried about what going on?
We have been together 22 years but had enough of his behaviour.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 16/10/2020 20:30

Can you leave him immediately?🤔

carly2803 · 16/10/2020 20:30

sorry op, he didnt see his friends - h ewas with her

where are you from? can you go home?

you need support for yourself, speak to a real life friend. get your ducks in a row.

this isnt about him staying at home for your sick child, he is cheating

Somethingkindaoooo · 16/10/2020 20:32

You've had enough?
He behaves like this often?

He's being an ass

ReneeRol · 16/10/2020 20:33

He's a cheat who thinks he can bully you into silence. Focus on getting that creep out of your life. Let him go bully his other woman.

QueenofLean · 16/10/2020 20:36

@OverTheRainbow88

Shouldn’t he be isolating until a negative test result?
The OP has said she’s overseas. They may have completely different guidance where she is.
Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 20:37

Messages crossed. I think it is spot on with the following points:

  1. He does not care
  2. He will not change
  3. He is seeing that woman (saying he was going to a bar was a lie).

I know what I must do but do not know if I have the balls to do it!

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 16/10/2020 20:38

Just make your plans. Let him think it's gone away, you're cowed by his aggression. And slowly, quietly, get your... well... hate to say it... ducks in a row. And leave the bastard's ass. Don't discuss it with him. He's made his position clear.

Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 20:40

It breaks my heart that he walked out with our son ill. Did not stay to look after him.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2020 20:42

@Sara0512

It breaks my heart that he walked out with our son ill. Did not stay to look after him.
You're mixing two issues together because IMO you want to conflate them.

The ill son is not the issue. Him lying and seeing this woman is the issue.

Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 20:45

I will need to
1 Resign from my job

  1. Ask the tenants to move out of the house (which I paid for but on both our names). He will find out
  2. Return to the uk
  3. Not sure how to navigate the legal part. Looking at different jurisdictions
OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 16/10/2020 20:45

Are you from England? Can you come home?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 16/10/2020 20:47

Oh, god, these men.
I knew as soon as I read your description of how he was sharp and left that he was seeing a woman. Desperation to go, guilt...

And he has tried to turn it in you that you asked about her. He wasn’t calm and relaxed and saying ‘yeah, she turned up’ he was again on the defensive in an aggressive way.

And he had no business going out when your child had symptoms.

This is no way to live.

Can you come home, with your child?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/10/2020 20:48
  1. Get your passport and your son's passport and put them in a safe place.
  2. Start accumulating money - a bit at a time from shopping, etc. and keep it hidden.
  3. Get copies of important documents - marriage license, birth certificates, etc.
  4. Plan what you will pack for yourself and your son. Accept that what you do not take with you will be lost.
  5. Use your husband's credit card and buy two tickets on the day you plan to leave. Grab the paperwork, suitcases and your son and go to the airport and leave.
  6. You will likely have to quarantine for a while when you land, so use that time to call relatives/friends and make plans for temporary/permanent housing.
  7. Also hire a lawyer and file for sole custody immediately upon arrival.
Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 20:52

He turns nasty and will manipulate our son emotionally.
He gets our son involved I wanted to leave 4 years ago. He is only 8

OP posts:
Fortunategirl · 16/10/2020 20:58

Why do you need to resign your job? Only do that if you want to come back to the uk. Do you want to come back? Maybe kick him out and see how you feel once he’s gone. You could have a nice life where you are? Where are you?

Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 21:03

My visa is linked to his.
He has to give me written permission to work which he has.
The minute I step through immigration he will get a text to say I am about to leave the country. Does not matter that I have a British passport

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 16/10/2020 21:07

@Sara0512

My visa is linked to his. He has to give me written permission to work which he has. The minute I step through immigration he will get a text to say I am about to leave the country. Does not matter that I have a British passport
Where are you living at the moment?
Sara0512 · 16/10/2020 21:09

Middle East

OP posts:
idontknowaboutmortgages · 16/10/2020 21:11

If it's Dubai my DH never got a text and my visa was linked to his.

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