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Original poster

when will i tell my son his dad's not his real dad?

43 replies

Clarabumps · 12/10/2007 22:27

i was looking for some advice..i fell pregnant to a guy who promptly fled as soon as he knew my son was on the way. He has started giving me money for him when i called the csa but wants nothing to do with my son. Throughout the pregnancy i was supported by my ex boyfriend and feelings between us were re-kindled. He has stepped up to being my sons father but i was wondering how we were going to tackle the problem of telling my son who his real father is..he is only a baby at the moment but i was wondering if there was anyone out there who has experienced something similar. When is the best age to tell them..should i wait untill he is older ie 10 or 11 or should he always know. My head is a wee bit frazzled thinking about it(albeit prematurely)
Thanks

OP posts:
magnolia74 · 12/10/2007 22:32

I was told when aged 11 and it was awful Wish I had never been told to be honest. Not the same for everyone though so you can only do what you fel is best for your son xx

FREAKshow · 12/10/2007 22:32

One of my friends was in a similar situation. She and her partner told her DS as soon as he started talking about mummies and daddies - I think he was coming up to about 2yo. He's never been messed up about it, and has always felt that his mum's partner is his dad, even though he knows the truth.

I think it's better this way, on the whole. Otherwise you risk your DS feeling as if his life is a lie when you finally do tell him.

Give your boyfriend a slap on the back from me - what a lovely man!

popsycal · 12/10/2007 22:34

I would tell him fromthe beginning.....

fizzledizzle · 12/10/2007 22:36

clarabumps i have been in exactly the same situation mt ds is now 10 and we still havent told him that his dad isnt his biological father, (we have been to gether since my son was 8 weeks old) i really would suggest the sooner the better. we have got into a situation where it is now going to be a really big deal where as if we had told himwhen he was small he would always have know and we could of dealt with question as they arose

uberalice · 12/10/2007 22:36

Tell him from the start - and don't make a big thing of it so he can grow up already used to the idea. It won't be a shock if you do it this way.

shimmy · 12/10/2007 22:38

Oh god no, please don't wait until he is that old. He will feel totally betrayed.
I think you need to tell him as soon as he is old enough to understand what a daddy is. e.g. at the age when you start telling him that babies grow in mummies tummies you tell him that there can be more than 1 sort of daddy. The sort of daddy that looks after you and loves you (like your dp) and the sort that gives the mummy the seed. The daddy that gave you the seed is out of touch but he is so lucky because you and dp love him so much etc etc etc.

That way by 10 he will be totally comfortable with the whole idea and will TRUST you.

kimibobbingforapples · 12/10/2007 22:41

I think you have to be honest from the start, but I would refrain from saying "not your real dad" as he is his REAL dad in every way, he stepped up to the play and I bet has done nappies sleepless nights vomit the lot, that makes a dad not the biological father who donated the sperm.

bumperlicious · 12/10/2007 22:42

I never remember not know that my step dad wasn't my dad, I would make it clear from the beginning. Finding that sort of thing out later can really screw you up (i've seen it). I don't know how my mum did it, but I just always knew, even though I didn't see my dad.

for you and your son, good luck!

orangehead · 12/10/2007 22:42

He should always know. If u tell him later he may well feel u have lied to him all this time.It so lovely yr x stepping up and u back 2geva

magnolia74 · 12/10/2007 22:43

Agree about the 'real dad' bit. My dad is my real dad my biological father is just that.

scarybee · 12/10/2007 22:46

Like lots of others have said, I'd tell him as soon as he starts asking questions so that it is never a secret. Although this is obviously not the same as your situation, the Donor Conception Network publish books to explain to a child at various ages about a man who isn't their father providing the seed. If you're a bit stuck I think you can look at them online and they might give you an idea of how to approach it.

Your DP sounds like a great bloke. You and your DS are very lucky

goingfriggincrazy · 13/10/2007 00:20

Was in a similar situation my daugher is now 12 and I have never covered up the fact of who her father was,just told her from day dot,it just didn't work out-it wasn't her fault but we just couldn't work it out.Only just started to get CSA payments after 11 yrs-and in that time he hasn't ever seen her.I was honest and open with her as its her choice as she gets older to seek him out,that thought frightens me-but I realise thats my issue and not hers.Just be honest and let it be known as soon as your son is at the age of listening to you.......3 or 4yrs and I was sat on the bed saying "you were made by mummy and X".

Thoughts

(I still worrry for that knock on the door)

severedhandcastles · 13/10/2007 01:39

My friend was in the exact same position. The current guy buggered off & her ex (her older child's father) was always on the scene visiting the older child. They never implied that he was the father, but let the baby grow up thinking he was.

They told her at 4 that she had 2 daddies, not sure how they explained it, but she took it really well & now at 8, it doesn't bother her.

She hasn't shown any want to see her other Dad, but she will get all the help she needs when it comes to it.

The longee you leave it, the harder they will take it, imo.

queenrollo · 13/10/2007 07:35

i would echo being honest from as early as possible. i was 13 when i found out my 'dad' was not my biological father. and only then because my mum was backed into a corner over it.
it damaged my relationship with my parents beyond repair to be honest, although that is more to do with how they dealt with it following me finding out.

lilacclaire · 13/10/2007 07:48

Hi, im in a similar situation but a couple of years ahead.
My DP came on the scene when DS was under a year.
DS calls him by his first name and sometimes calls him 'dad'.
We've never really made a big deal of it or even really mention it to be honest, I suppose I don't really know what to do either, sorry not much help!!

prettyfly1 · 13/10/2007 12:24

i htink as soon as he starts asking is the best policy. my son is two and a half and although i dont have a partner his dad did the off as well and i hope that by being gentle but honest as far as possible it will be somehting he jsut kind of accepts as he gets older. i certainly wouldnt advocate lying as this sort of thing always comes out in the end

BrownSuga · 13/10/2007 19:31

i've always known the man who was raising me was not my father. don't know the how or when my mother told me, but i think that, for me at least, my parents being open about it was very reassuring. I knew about this other man, didn't have a desire to meet him, always considered my step-dad to be my dad, and still do.

my bio father contacted me when i was mid 20's, so i did meet him and my half siblings, and a step-mother, was very glad to do so, and also glad that it wasn't a bolt out of the blue which would have been devastating.

NAB3 · 13/10/2007 19:38

Honestly? I would always talk about it like you would if your child was adopted. Let him grow up knowing someone else made him. I really feel people should know who their blood families are.

Screaminglips · 13/10/2007 19:42

best to tell him now as it happened to one of my friend as her Nan accidently told my friend when she was 18 that her Dad wasnt her Dad (she had never met her Real Dad and got no intentions of wanting to meet him either). So it screwed her head up big time and she went off the rails. She wish she was told when she was alot younger instead of 18 years later.

oliviaelanasmum · 13/10/2007 20:21

Hi im in the same situation i have a 5 y.o dd from a previous relationship who thinks dp is her dad we intend to tell her when she starts asking about where babies come from etc and we will explain daddy is not the man who put her in my tummy and leave it there. I think she is aware in her own way as it was just me and her until she was 2 1/2 and i met dp. My dad isn't my bio dad but he met my mum when i was 16 months old. I cant recall being told specifically i just always knew and i dont have any contact with my bio dad, to me my dad is the man who picked me up when i hurt myself and who has shared the last 23 years with me
Sorry its so long

tiredemma · 13/10/2007 20:29

I would say as soon as possible. Dp was told (but in quite a vindictive, spiteful way by his mother) when he was 12- it devastated him and created the start of many of the problems he has now- ie lack of trust etc.

queenrollo · 14/10/2007 12:32

i would like to add.....despite the way it has altered my relationship with my parents, as far as i am concerned my 'step' dad is my DAD......i've had no contact with my biological father (although i have searched for him with no success)......
my dad is the man who fed me, clothed me, put a roof over my head and loved me as if i was his his own.
If you approach this in the right way, it will all turn out well for you i'm sure.

Original poster
Clarabumps · 14/10/2007 18:57

hello ladies-
thank you so much for all your great advice. actually had a wee lump in my throat..i've never posted anything on this before and didn't think anyone would reply. I'm so glad you have. To Goingfriggincrazy..THAT knock is possibly the scariest thing ever..may just hide under the bed if it happens
Will definately post again if i have any more questions..Thank youuuuuuu!!!

OP posts:
gigglewiggle · 15/10/2007 11:27

I was told when i was 10 and it was heartbreaking.

I told my son from the beginning that my partner wasnt his dad and he understood perfectly.

You never know how his real dad might feel in a few years and he could come along and ruin everything.

Kewcumber · 15/10/2007 11:39

I can only reiterate what others have said. With adopted children, the ones who seem to have the fewest issues are the ones who say they can;t remember when they were otld because they were so young.

Refer to him as "birth father" or "biological father" even if your ds doesn;t understand the term as it will keep the term Dad clear for you partner who is his "real" dad".

If you wait until he is 10 or 11 he will always wonder what else you have kept from him and why it was a secret.

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