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Original poster

when will i tell my son his dad's not his real dad?

43 replies

Clarabumps · 12/10/2007 22:27

i was looking for some advice..i fell pregnant to a guy who promptly fled as soon as he knew my son was on the way. He has started giving me money for him when i called the csa but wants nothing to do with my son. Throughout the pregnancy i was supported by my ex boyfriend and feelings between us were re-kindled. He has stepped up to being my sons father but i was wondering how we were going to tackle the problem of telling my son who his real father is..he is only a baby at the moment but i was wondering if there was anyone out there who has experienced something similar. When is the best age to tell them..should i wait untill he is older ie 10 or 11 or should he always know. My head is a wee bit frazzled thinking about it(albeit prematurely)
Thanks

OP posts:

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 15/10/2007 11:45

Let him grow up with the knowledge. It's not the same thing but my son is infertile and I allowed him to grow up with that knowledge so it has never been a shock to him. (He is 15 now.)

chloesmumtoo · 15/10/2007 11:54

As soon as possible, I agree. My ds was 2 years when I became a single mum. Later I established a new relationship with my current dp. We always tried to remind him naturally by talking about when new dp came along and special times. I think if I was you I would just bring him up knowing you met daddy when he was already in your tummy ect and go from their. He will then always grow up knowing the truth. My ds grew up fine and no hangups

bealcain · 15/10/2007 12:03

Clarabumps, i'm in a very similiar situation. met my DF when i was 8months pregnant with DS1 he's always been his dad, he's 2 now. we decided that he would always know as we didn;t want him to remember a certain time when we told him. however we now dont know how to go implementing this thing that he will always know? it;s so hard. i feel for my DF as he thinks DS will reject him.....like freakshow said, when he starts talking about muumies and daddie we'll bring it up

Kewcumber · 15/10/2007 12:32

If you don't know practically how to raise the issue, one suggestion is to make a photo album/memory book together and you can then explain why DP isn't in the earliest photos.

The he will look at the book and ask differnet questions as he gets older.

CarGirl · 15/10/2007 12:35

I was in this situation and dd has always known she asked a question when she was 2 (very advanced talker!) which made it easy to pop into conversation. I think it's no big deal to her because she's always known, it may be used against me in her teenage years but IMO better that way than a secret to find out when she is older and her feel betrayed.

CarGirl · 15/10/2007 12:38

I refer to the bio Dad as "x the dad that made you"

nospeak · 15/10/2007 12:39

When he is about 3 I would explain that he has a biological dad. At the end of the day your partner is the "real" dad.

If he knows from the beginning it will be less traumatic. I have friends who have always known they were adopted and had no difficulties in accepting the situation and I have one friend who found out when she was 12 and went totally off the rails as she went through an identity crisis.

DottydotsofBloodOnTheFloor · 15/10/2007 12:48

Agree with others who say right from the beginning. Don't make it an issue, just talk about your ds's biological father, as opposed to his Dad. Weave it into ordinary conversations from time to time.

Ds's both know they've got 2 Mummies and a Daddy (who they see). They both know who was their 'tummy mummy' and it's all very ordinary and straightforward to them.

Flamesparrow · 15/10/2007 12:54

Another from the beginning cry

Listmaker · 15/10/2007 12:54

I agree with all the others - tell him right from the start as simply as possible. I also know of people who found out about their true parents later on (one from a neighbour's kids at 10 and on not until she was 18) and it was devastating and caused loads of problems. You would feel the people you loved most had lied to you all your life.

Playmobil · 15/10/2007 13:06

I would suggest if you have a photo of his biological dad to make a photo album with his picture in along with photos of everyone else significant in your sons life and use it to talk to him. So this is you , this is mummy this is your biological dad, this is step parents name, this is grandma etc and let your son access it as with a normal book. It becomes knowledge always there but not a big deal iyswim. hth

Playmobil · 15/10/2007 13:07

sorry I'm too slow, has already been suggested.

Hippityhoppity · 15/10/2007 13:23

this topic makes me feel sick to the stomach. My younger sister has a different biological father to me and my older sister. My parents split up for a few years and my mum had an affair with another guy. When she got pregnant he ditched her and she and my dad ended up getting back together. They have never told her and she is now in her early twenties. My older sister found out when she was 9 and I found out when I was 18 but my mum has always threatened to disown us if we say anything. She's always said she's going to do it (my dad just totally opts out and says it's up to mum) after this or after that or as soon as whatever. And now I've known for 10 years and I HATE having this secret from my very loved sister. I have to push it away and not think about it because I feel she should know, that she has the right to know but then I am scared it would mess her up and maybe she'd hate us for telling her? But how can you guarantee this kind of thing will never come out? I think on some level she knows, there's a big gap between us and she looks quite different to my sister and I. She always brings up the fact that she doesn't look like anyone in the family and my sister and I don't say anything because we decided long ago that if we can't say anything we at least aren't going to actively support the deceit i.e. no no you DO look like X. Would you tell? Wouldn't you?

Sorry for the thread hijack. Maybe you can tell from all of this that really the only solution is to tell you son asap so that it's just the way it is. I don't know why my parents didn't and whenever I think of it, I hate them for it.

bananaknickers · 15/10/2007 15:59

God , I have a friend in this situation. Her son is now 11 and he dosen't know. Her and her partner have been together since her ds was about 6 months old. Her partner has older children and they know, we know, she has told lots of people, but sadly not her ds. She is planning on not telling him. It breaks my heart. I said to her, if she was planning not to tell him then please don't tell everyone else. She told me when I had known her a couple of months, all I was was her ds school friends mum . I think she has put a huge amount of trust in people she hardly knows.

Kewcumber · 15/10/2007 16:05

she is deluded if she thinks he isn;t going to find out.

DIFFERENT · 15/10/2007 16:20

Name changed for obvious reasons

My dh was told that the man who had brought him up was not his father. Dh was 38 years old, and his 'dad' told him, because his mother was becoming demented, and they were afraid she would say something etc etc. DH's sister and brother still have never been told (their father is the man who dh thought was his father too. dh was the youngest, apparently the result of an affair).

DH was utterly devastated. I honestly don't know how or why he feels the way he does, but it has changed his relationship with the man who brought him up. This man treated him as a son, never differentiated between dh and his siblings, was kind and loving.
But dh now finds it hard to relate to him, and says he feels lost, it is very hard not knowing who your father is. Details of who his biological father is are not open for discussion.

I don't know whether you should tell a child, or how you would tell him, but I do know that if you leave it until he finds out in adulthood, it could be devastating.

jennypenguin · 21/10/2007 12:22

I haven't read through all this so other people may have already said this. I fell pregnant when 16 and ended up single soon after my daughter was born. When she was just 2 i met my future husband and by the wedding, when she was 3 1/2 she was calling him daddy. She'd forgotten that he hadn't always been there.
I didn't want her to grow up feeling like i'd lied to her, so when she asked why daddy wasn't in any baby photos with her i reminded her that he wasn't around then.
Now she is 10 she is quite comfortable with that idea (atm anyway!)
I feel that honesty is always the best policy, and as the subject can be brought up quite easily through any number of innocent childish questions, it needn't be a big issue to your son at all. Good luck x

mumzyof2 · 23/10/2007 18:15

Im in the exact same position, met my dp when ds was one, and a year and a half on, he still calls him by his name, so he will always know the truth. sometimes he says daddy, but rarely. however, me and dp have a baby due in april, and ds1 may pick up daddy from the new baby. dont want ds1 to feel left out.

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