"You Look Sexy"

[IncandescentSilver]

Ventured into online dating again, mainly because of lockdown making normal meeting and socialising impossible.

Still can't get anywhere with it. What is it with these men who seem fairly decent, good jobs, spelling OK, who very quickly start making comments like "You Look sexy"? Generally followed by asking "have you got any more pics". I have plenty of photos showing quire clearly what I look like, so it's obviously going to start duwn the lines of either sex talk or asking for "sexy pics", both of which I would never do, especially with a stranger on the Internet!

How is "you look sexy" even a compliment, unless you are a sex worker or very promiscuous?

None of them can even hold a normal conversation.

Then there's the ones who when you give them your number for WhatsApp, message non stop. 6am, you get a message asking how you are. Midnight, they're still bravely messaging away but saying nothing interesting. Then when you decide to grit your teeth and stick it out just to get you out there again and suggest meeting up for a socially distanced coffee or walk in the park, never hear from them again? I suppose its a good way to make the endless, inane, messages stop! One of those ones told me he couldn't meet me in the park because it was too cloudy and might rain, another told me he was too scared to use public transport right now due to Covid and couldn't get to the park because he didn't have a car!

I did manage to meet one guy for coffee, he was OK, and then he started sending me messages about how he was playing with himself so I just ignored him after that.

They're after sex (and sexting/nudes/video sex if it doesn't suit to meet for sex).

They may not even be single.

It's a trash sorting exercise. Be glad they're not crafty enough to hide it well.

How is "you look sexy" even a compliment, unless you are a sex worker or very promiscuous?

How are dick pics a compliment/attractive?

They don't think like us.

Their brain is just on "sex, sex, sex, sex ...." mode.

Don't take it personally, you are just a profile to them and they are sending this to tens of women to see who will bite. You don't have an obligation to engage with anyone who sends you a message. Stop responding if you feel uncomfortable, or block them altogether and move on.

Erm, being called sexy is nothing to do with being promiscuous, or a sex worker, and there is nothing wrong with being either of those things either.

I wound the call someone sexy unless I’d been intimate with them, so just turn down men who you find creepy tbh, don’t go on WhatsApp with the until you’ve met and liked them.

Online dating is tough, there are a lot of weirdos out there! But I think your instinct of trying to meet up is a good way to weed them out. It’s a numbers game really, you meet a lot of freaks but if you persevere you mig meet someone nice

It's a trash sorting exercise

This may be the single best description of online dating I've ever heard.

I'm sure there there will be loads of women who have a friend who met her husband on a dating app like Tinder, but I think these are exceptions not the rule. A lot of men simply don't use these apps for relationships. They use them for thrills and sex. Even one of my female friends uses them mainly for this.

A male friend I used to have was quite confused why women were upset with him the next day for not contacting them. He and his friends thought it was well understood amongst everyone, including women that these apps were mainly about one night stands or friends with benefits.

Hi OP. So frustrating isn't it. I'm afraid online dating is a numbers game. You have to sift through the ones that aren't genuine or you have no spark with.

It's good to take breaks now and again and Covid makes it harder to meet up.

I know women who have met lovely blokes through online dating so let's hope we both get lucky soon. Take care

hi

GilbertMarkham It's a trash sorting exercise. Be glad they're not crafty enough to hide it well

Every single one though. Every single one. Even if I was just looking for casual, being treated like a piece of meat so early into a conversation is just off putting for that. They start off quite normal, exchanging pleasantries and then within a few sentences, turn the conversation to sex.

workhomesleeprepeat Erm, being called sexy is nothing to do with being promiscuous, or a sex worker, and there is nothing wrong with being either of those things either.

Its just inappropriate to say to someone unless you know them well enough to know they will welcome such a comment. It would be pretty shocking if someone suddenly came up to you in the street and said it. What I mean is, I cannot see how being called sexy is of any benefit to me whatsoever, given that I will make no gain out of it and it makes me feel associated with sleaze, and considering some men would consider any woman with a vagina sexy.

I wound the call someone sexy unless I’d been intimate with them, so just turn down men who you find creepy tbh, don’t go on WhatsApp with the until you’ve met and liked them.

Exactly. Although Whatsapp does enable blocking quite easily. tbh most of them just stop replying on the dating sites if you don't give your number to progress to whatsapp quite quickly. I live in a city where there is a lot of industry, I don't know if it would be better somewhere like the south east.

I have never met a man who went OLD to look for a relationship. I suppose there must be some, but I never met one.

I'm recently single and the thought of going back into that is scary. Honestly couldn't believe the amount of 'old friends' that crawled out of Fb/insta in the last few months which is fine until they utter the words every woman wants to hear...do you have WhatsApp?! Cue dick pic!!

I have never met a man who went OLD to look for a relationship

I don't know. Of the four men I know well who have done/are doing online dating, all of them were/are looking for a relationship.

However, three of them have misogynistic tendencies and expectations of women that only either Disney Princesses or 'glamour models' could meet and the fourth is a lovely guy but certain aspects of his lifestyle put many women off.

One of them is now in a relationship with someone he met through work. One is still persisting with online dating and the other two are resolutely single having decided its women who are the problem (largely for failing to be Disney Princesses or glamour models and being actual people instead).

So men looking for relationships online do exist but I'd question their 'quality'

which is fine until they utter the words every woman wants to hear...do you have WhatsApp?! Cue dick pic!!

I never once received a dick pic when I was doing online dating and most of the men I met did want a relationship and went on to find one after me. They just had 'flaws' that I wasn't willing to overlook in a partner.

A lot of my friends use online dating. Some meet partners. It seems to be a lot more successful if you are a hetero man looking for an actual relationship as the equation is in your favour (more hetero women looking for the same). Some women have said the paid for sites are better as anyone just looking for book ups uses the free ones? I think overall my female friends have had better luck on Guardian dating, Plenty of Fish and Bumble (which is easier to ward off pervs on) than on things like Tinder .

A good friend has recently started OLD after divorcing.
Without exception all the men start with "sensitive and looking for a relationship" trope but within a couple of messages are asking for "pictures" and how quickly they can set up a booty call.

Depressing

A lot of men simply don't use these apps for relationships. They use them for thrills and sex

Then one wonders what they do use for relationships as such .. in my region it's increasingly difficult to find people to socialise with regularly after twenties because so many are coupled up and then having kids, they do a night out rarely. You can join their parties etc but it's all couples.
If you don't work somewhere you can meet people, you perhaps have hobbies bit IME they're similar to friends (very heavily coupled up people, or people not in age range).

On old, I used to get "what's a cutie/hottie/someone like you doing on here" and it used to frustrate the living daylights out of me .. "well my mates are in relationships, or gay - with no single or hetero friends, their get-togethers are couples, couples & more couples, i work with older coupled up people, at any hobby I do there are virtually no single men in my age range, the wags are watching me like a hawk if I so much as speak to their partner civilly, and the one hibbg that has a single guy, a divorcee with two kids; was not really my cup of tea and also told me his ex wife had accused him of raping her .. where would you like me to meet someone, where am I missing the tonnes of single men?"

I wonder if it's luck, I've not had this experience and in general, met pretty much down to earth guys since I rejigged my profile a couple of years ago (more info, different pictures and adding my career to the bio)
I'm near a major city though and wonder if I just have more numbers to work with. After a while you develop a sixth sense for losers just by looking at their profiles 😅. I'm taking things like poor language (where they are native English speakers), selfies with cars and blurry topless bed selfies.

I've had many coffee dates, and 2 serious - ish relationships lasting about 5/6 months each. Most have the impression of being serious and didn't pester me to meet in the evening or move too fast. I haven't continued though due to a mix of logistical issues (moving house, job etc) and me fixating on random stuff "wrong" that shouldn't really matter.

I haven't tried this year though, wonder if COVID has affected things!

I’m beginning to think some people are addicted to texting! I had no idea some men (and women) spend ALL DAY longing messages back and forth. It’s exhausting and not real connection - not like a phone call or i’m person meet.

I think people do this because they are lonely but want to stay in their comfort zone. It’s easy to feel less lonely when you’re messaging all day long, and a lot less risk than actually putting yourself out there and meeting.

The first message I ever got on OLD was "You look nice, I bet you're a great fuck" 😩🙈

Loser

It’s all so depressing! Having said that, I met DH on Dateline. We E Mailed for a while then phoned & when we had our first date, we talked for 3 hours. It probably makes a difference if you have to pay. Dateline cost a lot of money when I did it but there was a special offer.

@Butternutsqoosh my friend messaged someone on Tinder the other day to tell him he had a lovely face...his response was 'are you volunteering to sit on it'!

I'm really new to OLD but have spoken to few a guys in the last month or so, as well as a couple that I've 'met' on non-dating sites.

One was up front about what he was after from the outset, just in a very straightforward way and tbh I appreciated his honesty. One was absolutely cringe inducing, one was really, really boring. Two I've been chatting to for a while, one platonically, one...not so much , but I've not had a dick pic yet.

Based on this thread I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing wrong!!!

Here I am the annoying exception to the rule 🙋. Met DH on tinder, he was never rude or smutty in messages and he wanted to call me to chat within a couple of weeks of matching ( I hate talking on the phone arrgh) again no rudeness, an intelligent attractive man. We met a month after matching (at night! Shock horror!) And slept together that very first same night. Anyway upshot is, 6 years together 3 married. He's ace. They are out there.

@Gilda152 good for you. It's nice to hear an encouraging story

Great that it works for some Gilda. You're probably in a better geographical area for it than me.

I don't really want to use OLD at all, its just that its basically illegal now to meet new people any other way!

Normally, I'd meet new people through my sport, either at training or park run. But the latter isn't allowed now and the former is only allowed on sufferance, under strict instructions not to linger and speak to people before and after the actual training session - the word used is "disperse".

Restaurants and pubs are either closed or close at 4pm.

Not many opportunities for socialising at all. Who would have thought life would come to this?

And its just that every single man I contact on OLD is either flaky or creepy and sleazy. Every single one. There has not been a single normal one amongst them. I get a lot of compliments in real life - sorry, stealth boast but relevant - but I'm beginning to wonder if the men in my city using OLD don't actually like attractive, well educated women.

@GilbertMarkham

A lot of men simply don't use these apps for relationships. They use them for thrills and sex

Then one wonders what they do use for relationships as such .. in my region it's increasingly difficult to find people to socialise with regularly after twenties because so many are coupled up and then having kids, they do a night out rarely. You can join their parties etc but it's all couples.
If you don't work somewhere you can meet people, you perhaps have hobbies bit IME they're similar to friends (very heavily coupled up people, or people not in age range).

I reckon some of them try to get their familied up friends to come out 3 nights a week and accuse them of being whipped if they don’t