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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone who has had a fwb shed light on this for me please?

33 replies

BrightThings · 15/10/2020 22:55

I have a relatively new fwb situation. Guy I have known for ages. Like him a lot, find him attractive and he is not looking for a full on relationship which suits me.

I’m just not sure how this should work? I realise that whatever works for the two consenting adults involved is all that matters, but I would be interested to hear what other successful fwb relationships have looked like.

We saw each other once a week at first but that tailed off and it’s weeks between encounters now. We continued to chat as friends as before but that has also become much less frequent. I imagine that this is pretty normal? When we do text it’s still friendly and gets quite steamy.

It just seems very much on his terms. I can’t message and say I’m hoping to see him. He is dismissive if I do. So I have to wait for him to suggest it. He can come to my house because I live alone but he lives with family members so I have never been to his place.

He works long hours and I do understand that he doesn’t have a lot of spare time but we both have high sex drives and once a month is just not enough for me.

Neither of us are sleeping with other people and nor do I want to.

Part of the reason I don’t want a full on relationship is that I have work to do on my boundaries and I’m not sure if I’m doing very well with them in this situation. Or if this is just the nature of casual?

I’m in my forties but was in a long abusive marriage so I still have a lot to learn.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 15/10/2020 22:56

It really does sound like you need to work on your boundaries OP, your post screams he’s using you because you are vulnerable to accepting less than you are worth.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/10/2020 23:22

This isn't a FWB situation. You are just his occasional fuck buddy, with some steamy phone sex in between. Which is fine if you're ok with that but you're not so, just end it. You shouldn't need to overthink a FWB, it's supposed to be casual, no promises no hassle.

saraclara · 15/10/2020 23:27

This isn't a FWB situation. You are just his occasional fuck buddy,

Yep. He can't even be arsed being your friend now, because he's getting what he wants from the 'relationship' and it's not friendship.

hiddeneverythin · 15/10/2020 23:28

I've been married to mine for nearly ten years now and have two kids together.

Yours doesn't sound like it is working fir you x

seensome · 15/10/2020 23:29

"Neither of us are sleeping with other people and nor do I want to."

Fwb you have no exclusivity, just because you don't want to doesn't mean your fwb would stop seeing other women.

A relationship doesn't mean you have to see each other all the time and in early days most only see their bf one or twice a week, seems like you need more than this FB

RantyAnty · 16/10/2020 00:12

I'd go on dates just to talk to different men and to be out doing social things.

A fb or fwb should mostly be hey are you dtf? If he is refusing most of the time you ask, it's not working for you.
He may be telling you he isn't seeing others but men lie.

This doesn't meet your needs so time to end it. That's practising boundaries.

Spanielmadness · 16/10/2020 00:17

Once a month is not fwb - just a booty call now and again. I had one, but it got complicated- he kept saying I was his girlfriend so I called it a day in the end.

SoulofanAggron · 16/10/2020 00:27

It just seems very much on his terms.

I don't think this situation is boosting your self esteem. All the power is in his hands and you're effectively being used when he feels like it. He even controls/dismisses your emotional expression.

I've had many 'FWB'/casual scenarios over the years.

It so easily descends into being or feeling used or disrespected, I don't think I'd bother again.

A magic wand toy does the job I find.

If he is as horny as he claims, I'd assume he's seeing other people the rest of the time. For some men looking for sources of sex is a full time job.

Original poster
BrightThings · 16/10/2020 00:53

Thank you everyone. I think I have written this post in a way that spells out exactly how I feel and it doesn’t good.

He really is a lovely guy, Has always been kind, not known for sleeping around and I have known him and his friends long enough to at least believe that he isn’t sleeping with anyone else. He has got used to looking after himself Wink

But It doesn’t alter the fact that I’m not feeling great about it and I need to stand by my boundaries. I won’t be going there again.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 16/10/2020 00:57

This isn't FWB- you're his guaranteed sex call. FWB is still a mutual arrangement, this isn't.

RantyAnty · 16/10/2020 04:49

Well done on putting an end to this.

You'll surely find a new friend who is more on your wavelength.

Mermaidwaves · 16/10/2020 05:31

Mine was like this, always on his terms and would usually refuse if I suggested, he would only come round if it was his idea. He wasn't interested in any other chat other than sexual even a quick how are you. The sex and chemistry was amazing so thats why I went back for more, but I did feel used and like I never entered his thoughts at all. Dont assume he isnt seeing anyone else as mine has recently entered a proper relationship and there was no evidence of another girl until I directly asked him when he cooled down.

I'm not doing this again as its too difficult.

LilyLongJohn · 16/10/2020 06:49

You still need to work on your boundaries op, this arrangement is all on his terms. Fwb is a two way street, he's using you as and when he wants to for sex, he's even stopped making as much effort to ensure he gets it. Won't be long before you hear nothing from him except a text every two weeks saying 'fancy a shag'

SortingItOut · 16/10/2020 08:03

I'm glad you've realised this isnt an equal arrangement.

I've had FWB's before,my longest was 14 months and we used to meet up twice a week and also message in between about general stuff.

Other FWBs would be once a week meets with hardly any messaging in between.

My most recent has become my boyfriend.

Its definitely a good idea to work on your boundaries, you want mutual respect and equality.
He doesnt get to dictate what you say and do otherwise its just controlling.

PeachesTheFlamingo · 16/10/2020 09:54

I've had two FWB previously.

The first still maintained a friendship with me. Phone calls and texts just to catch up. We still met for the occasional coffee. If I was going through a rough time, he'd listen and be supportive - all the things a friend should do. On top of that, we had great sex. It worked well for the both of us.

The second.. different story. As soon as we added sex to the mix, things changed. I hardly heard from him in a friends context. Texts became very scarce and then, usually on a Friday or Saturday afternoon/evening, I'd get the infamous "You up to anything this evening?" text. I was basically his "go to" when he was at a loose end.
He always expected me to come to his. I binned him off as a FWB and a friend full stop once I realised I was being used.

The difference between the two..

The first FWB saw me as a FRIEND with benefits. The friendship came first.

The second FWB saw me as a friend with BENEFITS.

Your guy is slotting nicely into the second category. I'm glad you've decided not to continue the FWB relationship.. perhaps you need to consider if he is a genuine friend or not, because it doesn't sound like he is.

AfterSchoolWorry · 16/10/2020 14:20

FWB only works if you're the one in control. You.dial them and they suit you not the other way around.

Otherwise you're just someone's booty call.

Needhelp101 · 16/10/2020 14:50

What everyone else has said! Glad you decided to take the power back.

Having said that, I only have FBs (not interested in a relationship and I have enough friends) but I was surprised to realise that I've known most of them now for years. And with most, we did/do chat and text in between meetings. They are all nice guys (I promptly weed out the ones who aren't!) and I'm quite fond of them.

Scweltish · 16/10/2020 14:57

Fwb can only be successful if there is mutual respect. This is too one sided. One of you will end up getting hurt, and it’s unlikely to be him

Norwolf · 16/10/2020 14:59

No offence OP but when I read the original post I genuinely thought you were 20 not 40 Confused

Glad you have taken control back though.

Frankola · 18/10/2020 19:24

I had a fwb a long time ago but I had a different experience.

We were really close friends and spent time together about 3 times a week beforehand.

Once we became fwb we still saw each other 3 or so times a week and we didn't always have sex. We maintained a friendship and just added sex into it Grin

We also used to go out with respective friends and then go to each others house at the end of the night. Some late night booty calls may have been involved lol.

We are still friends now, 15 years later. We speak a few times a week and meet up when we can. We aren't fwb any longer, that ended when we both started taking different paths in careers etc but I still really value his friendship and I know he would always help me (as well as I him) anytime I needed it.

Bunnymumy · 18/10/2020 19:29

Getting a fwb because you need to work on your boundaries is like getting a Macdonald and a treat of donuts when you need to be on a diet.

They can work but you have to be very sure of your boundaries to do them. And any hint of a power imbalance is grounds to walk away.

I find men who look for these relationships are often all take, no give. And that isn't a fwb, it's an asshole with no respect for you.

Frownette · 18/10/2020 20:30

Well, it doesn't sound like he's making you happy so it's a positive decision to end the current set up.

JurassicParkaha · 18/10/2020 23:10

Fwb means it's a MUTUAL arrangement. That is you can both call each other when you want, and the other does their best to accomodate. There's still the fundamentals of showing courtesy and respect. If you only meet when suits him - that is not a fwb. That is him using you.

I have had fwb in the past, and it's suited me because i can clearly separate emotion and sex. Which means if they weren't giving me the only thing I needed from them - sex often enough, they'd get dumped.

Boundaries exist even in casual relationships. Don't put up with crap that doesn't make you happy and has you confused, and uncertain - that is a bad arrangement, whatever it is.

Bin him off. And find an actual fwb who will respect you and not take advantage of you.

ShinyGreenElephant · 18/10/2020 23:21

Agree with others - this is not a FWB situation. I've had two - one I'm still friendly with and weve kept in touch (through text mainly) for years just back to being friends. The other I'm married to. You need to be actual proper friends so there is mutual respect and care there otherwise someone will end up using or hurting the other one, and it needs to be an equal relationship. It sounds like he has all the power. I found FWB relationships far better than a boyfriend when I was an overworked single mum, so I get the appeal but it doesn't sound like this is working for you and I would look for something better.

WhenInDoubtSmileandPout · 18/10/2020 23:26

OP, I get why you're hurt, but in reality, the nature of FWB arrangements makes them quite unreliable. You feel upset that the dynamics have changed but of course they have - once you have sex with a friend that's bound to happen.

There's an easy way to resolve this, and it is to get a second FWB. Having two (or more) FWBs is ideal for several reasons: a) you no longer rely on a single person to meet your sexual needs, which means you get less worked up if they can't see you; b) it works wonders to dilute any potential "feelings" and therefore gives you more control and c) it allows you to explore sex and companionship with two (or more) people, who in all likelihood will offer you different, hopefully complimentary, things.