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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kicking him while he's down

34 replies

WakingUp55643 · 15/10/2020 14:46

It's a really long story, but to try and cut it short, I'm really unhappy and have been for years. He's drained me with little things along the way. No sex or affection for nearly 10 years, and we're barely even good friends. He treats me like I'm his mum. I told him last November that I'd been to counselling and I had to tell him how I feel. Almost a year on, nothing's changed, or maybe it's worse. Never mind the effects of covid, furlough, everything else.
Anyway, it looks like he's about to lose his job and has been unbearable to be around the past few days. I take on quite a lot myself and just get on with it, but when he has a problem it's a massive drama. He's giving me all the "I need you" stuff, and it feels like he's more dependent on me than ever. I know that losing your job is a big deal, I get that, but do I now have to back down and be there for him and forget what I'm dealing with??? I can't put this on him as well.

OP posts:

Noshowlomo · 15/10/2020 14:51

What is the situation with your home OP? Are you joint owners? Renters?
If you're unhappy then leave. He hasn't cared about your wants or needs for years!

Clutterbugsmum · 15/10/2020 14:52

Don’t back down. If you marriage is over then carry on getting yourself out of the situation. If you don’t then you will still be doing the same dance in 10 years time.

You don’t have to feed in to him needing you support. He needs to sort his own problems out without you sorting it out for him.

Dery · 15/10/2020 15:20

“Don’t back down. If you marriage is over then carry on getting yourself out of the situation. If you don’t then you will still be doing the same dance in 10 years time.”

This. It’s not your job to live his life for him. It’s your job to live yours. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. Don’t waste any more years on this guy.

MitziK · 15/10/2020 19:37

Fuck that.

Bin him now.

Soulstirring · 15/10/2020 19:39

We have one life, live yours 💐

Charlieeee76 · 15/10/2020 19:42

I agree with others. Maybe a harsh dose of reality will give him a wake up call. Leave OP.

PostItJoyWeek · 15/10/2020 19:45

Funny how when you decide to leave they always have a crisis where they MUST have you take care of them.

People lose their jobs all the time. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

willowmelangell · 15/10/2020 19:53

Get out op.
He can look for work, look for retraining etc.
Is he being made redundant or something else? He can sign up for unemployment benefits while looking for work.

He hasn't been a partner or husband for 10 years. His actions or inactions tell you everything you need to know.
Untangle yourself from this dead weight.
You have one life. Don't be blackmailed to stay.

MingeofDeath · 15/10/2020 20:25

There is nothing more off putting than someone saying " I need you".

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 16/10/2020 10:19

Thanks everyone. I totally agree with everything you've all said, and it's what I would say to a friend in the same situation, and in fact what my friends have said to me.
@Noshowlomo We have a joint mortgage and two DCs. It's their home and I want to be able to stay to keep things stable for them. I could buy him out, it would be a struggle financially, but I'd rather do that than move them.
I don't want to still be doing this years down the line. Nothing is going to magically change my feelings. And yes @MingeofDeath I feel sick when he says "I need you" It's never want, it's need. (Also, imagine Frank Spencer talking to you...)

So last night he went through it all again, wanting to talk to me in the kitchen, and incidentally I really have to keep a couple of metres away from him to avoid his breath, and I just wanted to get away. He could tell. He then said, "are you happy?" I didn't really answer, then he asked what caused me stress, so I told him I just try to get through each day making sure everything gets done, and made my escape saying I was desperate for the toilet. When we pass each other round the house he asks me if I'm ok and I say yes, and he says "Well I'm not." And I could scream.
Anyway, this morning he got up and said "I know you've been doing all the housework, I really do appreciate that, thank you." Again I just got out of the way as quick as possible and got the kids ready for school and me to work. He went back to bed as he's taken the day off for stress.
@PostItJoyWeek I really do feel like I'm setting myself on fire. And I can't tell him I feel so crushed and unfulfilled because of HIM!

OP posts:

EarthSight · 16/10/2020 12:26

Why are you telling him everything's ok when it's not?? You are clearly unhappy. It doesn't sound like there a lot of communication on your part, only inner frustration and outwards denial.

Dery · 16/10/2020 12:43

“Why are you telling him everything's ok when it's not?? You are clearly unhappy. It doesn't sound like there a lot of communication on your part, only inner frustration and outwards denial.”

This.

Redlocks28 · 16/10/2020 12:47

He then said, "are you happy?" I didn't really answer, then he asked what caused me stress, so I told him I just try to get through each day making sure everything gets done, and made my escape saying I was desperate for the toilet. When we pass each other round the house he asks me if I'm ok and I say yes, and he says "Well I'm not." And I could scream.

You are lying to him. Tell him the truth and have it all out there.

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 16/10/2020 12:51

@EarthSight @Dery Yes, I admit I am not a good communicator when it comes to the possibility what I'll say will be bad for the person I'm saying it to. I'll always say I'm fine to anyone who asks, whether I am or not. Again, it comes down to protecting his feelings while he's going through this bad time. He does know how I feel about our relationship, I've told him plenty of times, but he seems in complete denial. And now feels like the worst time to repeat it. If anyone could see inside me, there'd be a raging storm of frustration, but only i know it! I know I know I know.....

OP posts:

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 16/10/2020 12:58

I've actually told him before that I sometimes go out in the car just to get away and have a cry. i told him this whilst actually crying too, so I'm sure it must have sunk in. But it's as if I've never said a word....

OP posts:

PostItJoyWeek · 16/10/2020 13:04

He could have chosen to listen before. He chose not to listen, not to act. Now he has the consequences. It's not your fault.

You may benefit from working on your codependent traits where you can't allow yourself to let other people be autonomous human beings, who can look after themselves. Here you are lying to him about major things because you are constantly trying to manipulate his thoughts and actions rather than letting him get on with it for good or ill.

PostItJoyWeek · 16/10/2020 13:09

Does this ring any bells for you?
psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

NiceandCalm · 16/10/2020 14:14

@PostItJoyWeek - Love this - Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
OP, I agree with PP, you can't continue like this. You need to let him know though and stop side-stepping the issue. The man would be pretty dense not to know somethings wrong but he's been burying his head in the sand.

EarthSight · 16/10/2020 16:07

Sounds like you have communicated then. I think you are just at the end of your tether. I think you need to just keep writing, keep talking, even to yourself so you can start to process those thoughts and feelings more. You can still be there for him if you want, but not through marriage. It's clearly putting you under a lot of stress.

Krampusasbabysitter · 16/10/2020 16:21

I'd give this fucker an almighty kick up the backside.

Techway · 16/10/2020 19:07

Op, how old are the children?

Only you can judge if the marriage isn't to be saved. If you struggle to articulate your needs does he know what you want?

Do you know this approach " I am feeling ??? because I need ??" What would that be?

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 18/10/2020 15:00

@techway the kids are 12 and 8. I know it's only going to get harder the older they get.
This weekend has been hard work. He has wanted to talk, we sat freezing in the conservatory on Friday evening, just repeating all the same stuff. He's anxious, he's stressed, he's upset etc, and I'm trying to say I feel like this too but I've got no choice to get on with things. He said he just can't do anything and needs to try and relax. Relax?!!!! Ffs. When do I get to do that? And then he wonders why I 'seem annoyed.'
I've had two completely restless nights with him being awake, wanting to talk in the night, and I've told him today I am annoyed because he needs me now, when the past few years he's gone out here and there to gigs and the cinema, leaving me with all the responsibility and letting me work around his plans. Oh but, we're talking about the future, not the past. . . . I told him it wasn't so much him being out that made me angry, it's being left to do everything, and that actually I enjoyed having space from him. I thought he might take offence at this, but he hardly seemed to even notice! All the time we're having this conversation I'm edging away from him, because of his breath for one thing, and the fact I've just said I need space and he's literally crowding me in my own kitchen. He wants us to go forward in a positive way, making 'light conversation' and having happier times in the house. I don't know how to explain I don't like spending time with him, without him either dissolving into tears or completely ignoring what I'm saying. If someone was saying this to me, giving me the body language I'm giving him, I'd pick up on it straight away this person doesn't want me around, but he doesn't get it! He kept saying it's a win win if we just get on nicely, as we share a house and a marriage, and a bed. He asked for a hug at the end of the conversation. Even my arms length half hearted position didn't give it away. Do I just give him straight and let him deal with it, or wait til he's out of this phase?

OP posts:

Original poster

WakingUp55643 · 18/10/2020 15:15

If anyone's familiar with Pride and Prejudice (the BBC series, but obviously the book too!) all I can see when dh talks to me is the scene where Mr Collins asks Elizabeth to marry him, she pretty much tells him to fuck off, and he refuses to believe she means it and that she's just mucking about, trying to make him like her even more. Unfortunately I've ended up like Charlotte Lucas. . . .

OP posts:

SixesAndEights · 18/10/2020 15:26

Why would he listen to you when you don't do anything about the situation you say you're unhappy with?

Of course you have a choice.

When are you going to start doing something to start the ball rolling to split up? That's how you 'tell' him you don't want to spend time with him.

You're teaching your children that this is what relationships are.

I probably sound harsh but if you keep saying how unhappy you are but don't take any action to change your life then no wonder he disregards what you say.

lesleyw1953 · 18/10/2020 15:39

I'd start with the bad breath! If you can get him to sort this then at worst you won't have to keep running away and at best he will stand a chance of finding someone else when you leave! And I think you have already decided to leave, haven't you? Really, I can't see how you can go on like this. So, get all your ducks in a row and be up front with him - and make it clear it is over. Then act! Good luck

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