Kicking him while he's down

[WakingUp55643]

It's a really long story, but to try and cut it short, I'm really unhappy and have been for years. He's drained me with little things along the way. No sex or affection for nearly 10 years, and we're barely even good friends. He treats me like I'm his mum. I told him last November that I'd been to counselling and I had to tell him how I feel. Almost a year on, nothing's changed, or maybe it's worse. Never mind the effects of covid, furlough, everything else.
Anyway, it looks like he's about to lose his job and has been unbearable to be around the past few days. I take on quite a lot myself and just get on with it, but when he has a problem it's a massive drama. He's giving me all the "I need you" stuff, and it feels like he's more dependent on me than ever. I know that losing your job is a big deal, I get that, but do I now have to back down and be there for him and forget what I'm dealing with??? I can't put this on him as well.

That makes total sense, @SixesAndEights
Oh bugger, just wrote a long reply and it's gone. I have to rush but will come back later x

Hi op sixes has a point

Gently..you are allowing the status quo to continue

Write it down with bullet points give him a copy if need be
Your breath stinks
You need not want me
I don't love you anymore etc, then discuss
I would be wary of him going for resident parent and you paying maintenance
It's amazing how fast these types start demanding their due when threatened
With cold harsh reality
Get your ducks in a row protect yourself and serve him papers
Good luck

Thanks everyone. I spoke to my counsellor the other week and she pointed out that he's never going to leave of his own account if he doesn't want our relationship to end, so I have to take the reins to make it happen. She also said to stop looking for the easiest option and to accept that any decision I make now will come at a cost, and I can't avoid that. Either I stay and be miserable, or I go and go through all the upheaval which will be hard. But it will be temporary and things will work out for the better after all of the pain. I know from my own friends experiences that it's hard but it's doable.
Forgot to mention that this morning he said I love you for the first time in years, and I didn't reply. I couldn't say it, and wouldn't want to say it. It still feels like a child saying that to his mum, not a lover by any means. To be totally blunt I need a man and a good seeing to, not this light conversation thing he's on about.
He's got his disciplinary meeting at work tomorrow, so I just have to let it lie for now. But I know I have to start living my life sooner rather than later.

He's obviously finally started to notice you might leave and that's why he's saying 'i love you.' You've put up with him for so long, he thinks you will forever, like a parent would! But you are not his mother, you are his wife. You are not his carer, you are a partner/companion/lover and he doesn't seem to be adding anything to your life. If he looses this job do you think he will look for another? Sounds like he'd just mope around, moaning about how stressed he is without doing anything about it. You should be a team, and yes there are hard times in any marriage, and sometimes one of you has to be stronger- but you have been keeping this going for a while now.

It seems like you hate his presence, I really don't think there is any coming back from this. And really - if he left tomorrow, what would change? You do all the housework/organisation etc already. You'd be doing the same amount of work without a negative lump weighing you down! Be miserable forever and stay, or leave and be stressed for a bit but ultimately happy. That's got to be worth the upheaval which is shit whilst you are in the middle of it, but soon forgotten when your lovely new life begins!.

Thank you lucky Ellie. I'd love it if he left tomorrow! That would be all my problems solved! I hate saying things like this, and feel really cruel, but honestly nothing he does makes me happy and I'd be much happier if he wasn't here. No I wouldn't notice a difference at all in terms of the amount of work. It's getting him to realise we have no future and for me and the kids to stay in the house that's the problem x
I can't wait for the lovely new life to arrive!

Have you actually told him straight you want him to leave and do t want to continue in the relationship anymore? From your posts I'm not sure you have? You've been distant, cold and irritated by him and now getting angry that he's not picking up on your hints that you despise him.

Why are you living like this? It's not fair on anyone- tell him and then follow through - this just sounds awful....your poor kids with that atmosphere in the home

It's getting him to realise we have no future and for me and the kids to stay in the house that's the problem

No! This is not the problem. Like your counsellor said, he will NEVER decide this is the case. You have to make him leave DESPITE him truly believing it is right for him to stay.

When you accept this, I guarantee things will magically become so so much simpler and easier. Chasing unicorns because you have decided you must ride one to the divorce courts is not helping you.

I'd love it if he left tomorrow! That would be all my problems solved!

And absolves you of ever having to take responsibility and action yourself.

It's getting him to realise we have no future

No, you just have to take action. He can spend the rest of his life not realising, it's not your problem and has nothing to do with what you decide.

From what you've written it sounds like you're being off with him in the hope he somehow gets the message without you ever having to actually tell him you want to end it. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your life and tell him, then proceed with doing it. You need to stop with the excuses as to why you "can't".

It really does sound like you've reached the end of the road. Sadly, I'm on the same position if you need company 😕