Dating when you can't have children/don't want children

[WhatzTheCraic]

I'm single in my mid 30s and due to a chronic pain condition, I'm not sure I will ever be able to come off my medication to allow me to have children. With the medication, I have a pretty good quality of life though and it would be great to find a partner to share it with. Tbh, reading many of the posts on here, I'm actually not sure whether, given the choice, I would want children anymore anyway!

If you can't have children/don't want children, how's your experience been with online dating? Do you mention this on your profile or do you mention it soon into the dating process? Makes sense to mention it soon on I think, otherwise you're both wasting time. Are there lots of guys out there who would be happy to date someone who doesn't see children in their future?

You will be fine, most of the men I've come across aren't keen to have children also there will be men that have had children already and don't want any more.
Yes put it on your profile, I'm sure you'll get plenty of messages, good luck.

I agree with seensome ime it’s mostly women that want children and men just go along with it, that’s especially clear by a lot of threads on here and the many absent fathers around! I’m sure it won’t put most men off.

I've always known I didn't want kids. I usually try to find a way to straight up say it or, to strongly hint at it early on.

Eg: if a kid starts screaming in a restaurant we're in I will comment about its poor parents probably being stressed to buggary and that I'm glad it's not me. Usually this prompts a discussion whereby you can gauge their attitude towards wanting kids in their life and possibly straight up say that you dont know if you'll ever want them.

I'd probably aim to get ot out of the way within a few dates. But as casually as possible. Dont mention it on your profile, that would be a bit full on.

@seensome and @Givemeabreak88 These are really interesting and reassuring responses - thanks! I genuinely thought if I put it on my profile, I wouldn't get much response. I thought almost all men wanted children. There was a programme on recently about male fertility called 'Me, my brother and our balls' with Chris and Ben Hughes. Having children was so important to both of them and I felt really down afterwards thinking I'll struggle to find a partner.

Or another good way, ask them what they want in the future. I did this the other day, I said 'travel and adventure' he said 'family'. Straight off the bat not compatable. I replied 'I want good friendships, good friends can become family' and he goes 'True, but I want kids too' ( '...check please! cheerybye!' Lol)

When I did old, I don't think any of the men wanted children. Most of my dates already had dc so that may be the reason. If I were you I would go for slightly older men whose existing dc are over 10!!

@Bunnymumy Thanks for your point of view. I did wonder if it's a bit full on to mention it on my profile, but then equally don't want to waste time dating men who are on a different page. My experience of online dating in my 20s wasted enough time as it was! Good idea to find a way to drop it casually into conversation like you do. What's your experience been when you've done that? Have there been men who you haven't seen again following that conversation because they want children?

Well I know I sound negative but when you read thread after thread on here of men who don’t bother with their children, let the op do all the work, don’t do any parenting and would rather sit and watch PlayStation and the poor op is left to do it all, then when they break up they either disappears like my ex who told me it was MY choice to have children, or only see the once a fortnight etc. Does make you stop and think. I’m sure there are some great dads out there before anyone starts but I’m only going on my experience and my own dad was absent. I just don’t think you will struggle with finding someone.

@Bunnymumy Ooh, just seen your latest message! That's a great idea asking about what they want in future. Wonder if that could also be said in a message before you even decide whether to meet!

Ha! You’ll be fighting them off! 😂

@igotmyholiday That's a good suggestion actually! I definitely wouldn't want young step children, but over 10 would be pretty good I think.

I think given your age, if you tried that they would assume you wanted children and not that you didn't.

The sounding them out, not the going for men with older dc

Well most of my online dating was 5 years plus ago when I was younger and didn't think much about kids, though I still remember doing the hinting thing.

But I've recently started dating again in my early thirties and had to mention it three times so far. The second time I told you about, above. But the first guy (was a nutter) just so happened to straight up ask if I wanted kids on date one. To which I responded no. And the creep tried to tell me i would change my mind. Ick.

But third time lucky I think atm as had a convo with this guy about how much trouble kids can be and how we didnt like kids even when we were kids lol. So, seems a good match there as he seems to be on the same page. So far anyway. I feel it's enough to have discussed just a few dates in anyway. Fingers crossed.

I do worry though because personally I think men are more likely to want kids than women. Probably because they feel they dont have to put in as much work.

It's hard enough to find a decent fella as is that you like, that likes you back (and isnt crazy).

But if they arent right for you then they are right for you. Theres bound to be someone out there for everyone! ...at least, I hope lol.

@Givemeabreak88 So sorry to hear about your ex 💐 Sounds like you're much better off without him. There really needs to be more protection against mothers in this day and age. Equality my arse.

I'm in two minds about this! I've been on dating sites where one of the automatic profile questions is about your status re wanting kids, and I would say that there were more men either wanted them or were undecided than explicitly said they didn't. In any case, I would always be upfront about it. If it puts some men off, so be it - there's no point in being cagey, getting a few dates in and finding that you really like a guy, and then have to call it a day because he wants children and you don't.

[quote WhatzTheCraic]@Bunnymumy Ooh, just seen your latest message! That's a great idea asking about what they want in future. Wonder if that could also be said in a message before you even decide whether to meet![/quote]
You might get away with it.
I usually ask them what it is they are looking to get from the dating app. But maybe if you seem to be gelling well you could go a step further and ask what they want in the future. I think I like to ask things like that in person though, so that I can see their reaction and body language to the question.

Because some of them might say 'family' just because they think it's what you want to hear. But if they say it in person you would see if it's genuine.

@Bunnymumy You've made some really good points here, thank you. We sound quite similar because I didn't like children when I was a child either (I remember finding them "immature", haha) and completely agree that it's hard to find a decent fella who isn't crazy and likes you back! On the plus side, I have some very funny stories to tell of dates with weirdos in my 20s!

I don’t want kids and I say it on the first date, either by dropping it in, purposely bringing it up or in response to a screaming kid or other opportune moment. I’ve been ditched by a few guys who said they definitely DID want kids so I don’t recognise the ‘most men don’t want children’ trope on mumsnet... but there have been other guys who agreed with me and didn’t want them, and others who weren’t fussed. I don’t think it’ll be a big issue

Yeh I guess it's all part of the experience lol.

Funnily enough, I dont know if it's just because I'm older or because it's made me more sure of what I want and what I dont ect... but I'm enjoying dating now more than I did in my 20s. I used to hate it!

I think its freeing not worrying about kids too as it means I can just enjoy myself. So I'm talking to ppl and thinking like 'even if it turns out he is a time waster, as long as he was cute and I had fun, who cares!' lol.

@Bunnymumy That's a really good point too! If you're not in a rush to have kids, you can just take each date for what it is and enjoy the moment. I would have thought men have their shit together more in their 30s too which would make for a more enjoyable date! I've been dreading getting back out there after all the weirdos in my 20s, but this is making me a little more enthusiastic. Ha.

@namechangeforfriday Thanks for sharing your experience!

Honestly I don’t think you would have trouble finding a man who doesn’t want children. Most men I know (including DH) took a bit of persuading and would have been happy either way.

On a separate note, has anyone discovered any groups for childfree women? I love my friends to bits, but half of them have kids now and rarely have time to meet up (which is understandable) but would be great to have more friends to meet up with rather than message or Skype the whole time. I know there's the Gateway Women group, but that's for women who wanted children and have been unable to have them. There should be a group for women who are happily childfree and want to meet up and go on adventures together!