Stonewalled after argument

[SilentSadness]

Last night I had an argument with my DH and he’s now not talking to me and I just really don’t know how best to tackle this.

Arguments have been increasing in frequency and they almost always take me by surprise (I don’t see it coming and his mood seems to shift like a switch) and I am always the party at fault. Always, and I’m just beginning to wonder if I really am that terrible of a partner that I make him THIS unhappy?

Has anyone dealt with a severe case of silent treatment after an argument and managed to break through? If so, do you have any tips on how to start a conversation and engage again?

I feel like I try really hard to work on my behaviours after an argument but still feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m having a really hard time expressing how I feel because I think it’ll make it worse. On the flip side he tells me I confuse him and he feels like he can’t do anything right... how do we get past this when we are both feeling this way?

I apologise and acknowledge this isn’t the most concise post but I’m just really sad and don’t feel like I can speak to anyone in real life about it.

Has he done the silent treatment before? This is how my DH handles rows and it’s debilitating and destructive. He will go for a week not talking to me or until I apologise. It’s ok to take an agreed break with a “time out” agreement and an agreed time to come back together to chat things through but enforced silence with no end in sight is punishing. I’ve found that because I apologised and made amends regardless of fault that it made the situation worse as in he now immediately defaults to that behaviour as it gets him the result he wants. I’d suggest not trying to appease. Can you tell us more about the argument? What started it?

Yeah it happens every argument and it is so frustrating to apologise, be ignored, and then can only move on when he’s decided it’s time to move on. Then I have to apologise all over again.

Last night, the argument happened because of yet another miscommunication I suppose. He came home shortly after 6ish with bedtime routine for our toddler typically starting around 6.30. Toddler eats tea at nursery. Our dinner could have been ready soon though, and he suggested we get our dinner ready then as he thought DS would like it.

Cool. That’s nice. I asked if he wouldn’t mind getting the bread in the oven for 10 minutes whilst I went to deal with our chickens (coop needed cleaned out and eggs had to he collected whilst it was still daylight and they weren’t yet roosting). Totally fine he says, no problem. I’d made the other part of dinner day before and it was in the fridge, but nothing was said about that. Just assumed I’d come in, the bread would be ready and I’d zap the mince in the microwave and we’d all sit down to eat and DS would have a slightly later bedtime.

I got a call just as I was finished up in the coop from DH, and I asked if the bread was ready as I was just on my way back and it had burnt. Unfortunate but we had more, however he then just went on and on about how I had changed the plan, he thought we were all going to eat together when he got home, DS had to go to bed, what was the point in spending money on blinds and sleep advice if we weren’t sticking to the routine I had insisted? Do I want to argue? Why am I causing an argument? I must be doing it intentionally. Look at the time now it’s 6.45, it’s too late, what are we doing - are we eating now or are we doing it when he’s in bed? If I said yeah let’s eat now the routine chat would come back. If I said let’s wait until after he then came back to the change in plan argument. I did try to apologise a lot and said I’d agreed there was a miscommunication but was just told I was patronising him if I said I agreed.

He informed me I was stressing him out, he felt like I’d ruined yet another evening by causing an argument and that it was ruining his time with DS and he was beginning to resent me because he wasn’t getting a chance to spend time with him.

It was just all a big mess. After I put DS to bed I did some chores - offered DH dinner multiple times/cups of tea and he said no everytime. Eventually I told him I was going to bed. He asked me if I’d had dinner, which I hadn’t as I was just upset and really not hungry, but he was worried about me not eating... so in order to not appear uncooperative I did come downstairs and eat some dinner. DH took the bins out and I assume went on a walk as he didn’t come back in for a while so I went to bed.

DS woke up in the middle of the night so after I settled him I Went looking for DH as he wasn’t in bed, to find him sleeping in the spare room.

Just sort of thought he wanted space which is fine, but this morning totally ignored me, and DS, for ready for work and left. I did offer him a cup of tea which clearly made him angry - last night he suggested we do our own dinners from now on because cleeeeearly dinner together wasn’t working (I guess because I haven’t had it “ready” for him in time) and upon offering a cup of tea he said “I thought we agreed we were doing our own thing from now on?” I thought he wanted to do separate dinners... didn’t think he meant separate lives but I said okay and took DS to nursery. He’d left for work by the time I got back from drop off.

I’m sorry that was so long but it really is all the information. It looks so ridiculous written down. I just didn’t see it coming because I checked he wouldn’t mind if went to clean the coop. It really didn’t take long I was only gone about 10 minutes.

That wasn't a miscommunication, that was someone looking for an excuse to be angry with you - and then blame you. He is an arsshole he won't change. You can't learn to adapt and change your own behaviours to manage an abusive person.
You have to accept it or leave it.

Its not you, its him. This is ALL his doing and its a deliberate attempt to undermine you and make you doubt your own self causing your emotional wellbeing great harm.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Worse case he could well go onto copy what his dad is doing here and towards you and all women; he is also learning from his father too about relationships.

Do not try and jolly your H out of his sulk which is really another example here of emotional abuse towards you. Get on with your day and ignore him. He is using that to punish you with for some transgression you have done. The responsibility for his sulk here is all his, not yours.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. This man wants absolute here and I would state that this is an abusive relationship. I would seriously consider your own future within this because what you are also seeing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

OP if this is all as it happened, he sounds like a barking lunatic. Were your parents highly dysfunctional people so this is all you know? I'm wondering why you imagine any of this is normal behaviour.

You asked him to get the bread out. He didn't and let it burn, then called you to create this bizarre one side argument that you went along with for...? I've no idea.

So because you were dealing with the chickens or the bread was burned or because of I don't know, you are now living separate lives?!

Why would you cleaning out the chickens, cause him not to have time with his son? I see that he let you put your son to bed and sat on his arse sulking so that argument is bullshit as well.

He then went out for some mystery stroll. Probably to a parallel universe where this makes sense.

What do you want to do OP? You seem very passive here. Why are you going along with this utter lunacy?

Nah, he came home looking to find fault and spoiling for a fight. You have that sense that nothing you can do will be right (shifting the goalposts, being set up to fail, imposed either/or choices that you know are both going to be wrong). Then the sulking/silent treatment until he decides you've been punished enough.

This is rubbish behaviour from him.

Get a paper or online edition of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and read it. I guarantee there will be bits where you not only recognise your DH but become convinced Bancroft has hidden cameras in your home! The book's subtitle is "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men". That's who you're with.

When you've read the book, decide what YOU want and tell him.

I know things are getting progressively worse and it’s not a healthy relationship. I have been fighting the urge to self harm during these arguments and have occasionally given into it and it’s really freaked me out and made me feel really disconnected from my self. It’s just very weird and I know it is not how a normal, healthy adult behaves.

Yet at the same time I’m finding it so hard not to feel at fault when I am blamed. Not one argument in the past year has been started by me - they’ve all been started by him but because of something I’ve said or done and it’s a heavy load to carry, being the sole reason for all of our fallouts.

Obviously afterwards he apologises too, apologises for the tears, admits he overreacted but ultimately, it’s my fault. And you’re right I do doubt myself. I try so hard to be kind and I’m never intentionally nasty so it’s not easy to be told that I haven’t listened to him about how he feels because I’m apparently still doing the same thing over again?

It’s just rubbish and I feel very alone. I know I/we need to do something and we can’t continue on like this but I just don’t know how to talk to him without another argument because things escalate so quickly.

I have suggested counselling in the past but he very much was not interested in it, but maybe after last night he’ll be more susceptible to it.

I do appreciate your responses and to hear I’m not just a terrible person who makes her husband miserable. But as well as the relief of knowing it’s not in my head, I’m just so sad.

Silent treatment is soul destroying. I think the only thing you can do is say "I know that you are not talking to me at the moment but I'll be free when you want to discuss it" and say nothing more about it. No apologies, no following them around, no trying to appease them. I know it's difficult, I was never strong enough to do it when I suffered but if he's the one to distance himself then he can be the one making the repair not you. My sense of it is that silent treatment won't seem as 'enjoyable' if he doesn't think you are suffering.

I don't understand why your DH got mad about the chickens?

Was it because he wanted dinner ready when he got home from work at 6:00pm so your DS could be there too? If he wants to spend time with your DS, he can play with him until his bedtime and eat afterwards??

He sounds completely crazy and like he is causing arguments for no reason, probably to control you.

I agree with PP that this is emotional abuse. If you do get on and love each other, you need to talk about how his insane behavior damages your self esteem.

If things are always like you've described above, then I really recommend you consider ending it.

Sorry you're going through this, OP. I don't understand why there are so many awful men!

Reading your last post, I would say you 100% need to leave this man! He is destroying your mental health.

Do you have someone you could stay with?

From what I read on here I don't think counselling is a valid option when someone is abusive or manipulative. I went to counselling with a manipulative gaslighting piece of shit to aim for better co parenting and it was a fucking disaster.
Your guy is as bad, he came home spoiling for an argument so he could punish you for ruining his evening, leaving you questioning yourself way into the next day and wanting to self harm.

You need an exit plan for your own well being.

There is something wrong in him to create these rows and to give you the silent treatment. He sounds unhinged and on a constant power trip.

OP, I don't mean to sound dramatic but from what you described this is emotional abuse and coercive control. This is dysfunctional behaviour, which is not your fault. I know you might not agree to this but I think a call to women's aid might do no harm, and describe the scenario exactly as you've written it above. You shouldn't have to eat dinner if you don't want to. You shouldn't have to live in a silent world because of a "misunderstanding". You should be living in fear of upsetting someone who seems triggered by the slightest thing.

OP it sounds like you are experiencing depersonalisation and urges to self harm. I think it would be a really good idea to get in contact with your GP and talk to her about these urges.

You also talk about shame and I'm wondering if there's a history here.

I would not have counselling with him but I would look at therapy for yourself as you're going through a very tough time. You can speak to the Dr about therapy or, if you can afford to, you can pay to see a private therapist. See the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP), the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Any of those would have accredited therapists who can help with this.

There also an organisation called Self Injury Support who you can call and have a chat with.

OP this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Your husband sounds as though he could start an argument in an empty room. You are his punchbag and he's getting off on grinding you into the floor. He sounds horrible.

I hope you can find a way out of this.

He's an absolute tosser. He changed the plan. He burned the bread. And instead of being nice and normal he projected all his failings onto you, who has been nothing but hardworking, organised, mature and cooperative. Your toddler will be well aware of the tension between you. He is punishing you for nothing. My heart breaks for you trying to get him to end the silent treatment. My DM used to send me to Coventry often and the pain and humiliation are terrible. What was your family set up as you were growing up?

I agree that he’s picking fights on purpose. The most likely reason is that he’s already checked out of your marriage and is making things shit so he’s justified in doing so. It’s the devalue discard plan.

The more you try to be a “ good wife “ the more this will piss him off, as it upsets his plan.

Why has he checked out ? I’m just guessing ...possible reasons are

He’s having an affair

He’s finding family life boring and plans to leave

He’s punishing you for some past offence, real or imagined. This would include you forgiving him for an affair in the past, or “ making him “ give up drugs / drink Or

All this behaviour from him is NOT random, it’s part of a carefully constructed plan. It’s not you about you and what you’ve done or who you are. It’s about him and what as going on in his head.

I’d be getting my proverbial ducks in a row.

Sorry to be so blunt.

He is using that to punish you with for some transgression you have done.

I don't understand why your DH got mad about the chickens?

The fact that you chose to do what needed doing with the chickens rather than pay your husband attention and, even worse, you asked him to do something. How dare you!

He sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. Everything was my fault. If things are getting worse with you OP it's probably because your child is taking your attention away from him or he has his eye on someone else.

He is trying to control you. You think your'e going mad, can't understand half of what happens. It's all intentional. He's grinding you down till you're a shell of the person you used to be.

Do not go to counselling with him. Go on your own, you need to build up your self esteem. I'd also consider contacting Women's Aid. When my solicitor suggested I contact them on our first meeting I just did it to show willing but they were such a help.

You are not at fault

oh and btw, you are NOT a terrible person! He is. You aren't alone in this now, so well done for posting.

Thanks so much to everyone for responding.

I’m feeling really confused and really emotional but I think I have access to free counselling via a wellness app paid for by my work so I’ll reach out to someone there. I’m a really emotional person and an easy crier and find it difficult to speak to people - I think messaging on an app might help start things off.

Sort of feels like I live a double life keeping this side of our relationship so secret? The longer it all goes on the more I doubt myself and wonder if I’m overreacting.

But, I’m seeing all your responses and I’m not going to ignore them. So I’m going to reach out to a professional now before I lose courage, and get a dialogue going.

It's one thing to have arguments about actual issues. But in this case he created an argument out of nothing, misrepresented the situation entirely and then unfairly blamed you. This is gaslighting OP. He needs to change - or you need to leave, you certainly do not deserve to be treated like this by the person who is supposed to be partner.

Sadly I thought this sounded like I'd written this. Im going through similar with my DH . He gives me the silent treatment deliberately refuses drinks when normally a will make him about 3 in an evening.
I feel can't do right for wrong, I'm sad and low. We had a row yesterday, I've been poorly for over a week & now just feel drained. My way of dealing is lay low until the dust settles and he comes out of his mood. Not really much help but I do feel for you. X

*your partner

OP please don't keep this a secret. If you have supportive friends or family then tell them what's going on. This kind of behaviour thrives in secrecy and he's relying on you to just go along with it all.

Therapists are used to people sobbing away, don't worry about that. I'd be an easy crier too if I lived with that day in day out. Please also see your GP. The more people you tell, the better.

Well done for reaching out for help and for taking steps to change things.

In essence, it doesn't really matter what the argument was about, as stonewalling someone is abusive behaviour!

But what he did was suggest you change dinner plans, he then burnt the bread, and took it all out on you, gaslighting you until you were falling over yourself to apologise & make him tea!

He is a bully op. Looking for an argument so he can bulling and manipulate you.

they’ve all been started by him but because of something I’ve said or done and it’s a heavy load to carry, being the sole reason for all of our fallouts.

Oh no, that's not how that works. YOU are NOT the problem here.

You are not the sole reason, he is but convincing you that it is you, messes with your head and makes you feel like this.

He is the problem, not you.