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Original poster

Husband using Only Fans

26 replies

BillyAndTheSillies · 14/10/2020 22:19

DH and I don't share finances but he himself mentioned his credit card statement was less than usual. I don't know why, but for some unknown reason when the statement came in today and was left on the side of the kitchen I picked it up.

The first line was a payment for an Only Fans subscription. I know what it is, and know a lot of people use it for things that aren't sexual but let's be honest, not many do.

I've confronted him about it, he said he saw a reality person on a tabloid website mentioned as having an Only Fans account and curiosity got the better of him.

I know he watches porn, he's always been open and honest about it and I genuinely don't really have an issue with him watching it (I know as a woman I should, but I don't). But there's something about the fact that he paid for it this time.

I'm fuming. We've been going through a weird time and arguing quite a lot recently and it just feels like as things were starting to get better, this comes up.

I suppose I just wanted to vent, I'm not going to leave him over it. And if he'd have mentioned that he'd done it or was going to, I might have even laughed, called him a knob and moved on. But I can't help but feel this may have been going on longer than this particular statement I found.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 14/10/2020 22:49

Jesus christ is this shite really the only operating mode that men have??

Porn meh but spending money on that cmon now, are you really that much of a thirsty bone head??? Do you think you've touched the tip of a very large iceberg or something OP?

Appleofmyeye05 · 14/10/2020 23:00

Can you get any previous statements to see if he’s paid for it prior to now?

Marina26 · 14/10/2020 23:17

I personally considered paying for an only fans subscription as an alternative to porn after reading that lots of videos on porn hub are of trafficked women. I felt that only fans seemed fairer to the women involved? I didn't end up using it but they were my thoughts a while ago, so if you're happy with porn I wouldn't necessarily be more annoyed about this?

Thelnebriati · 15/10/2020 00:16

It sounds like he drew your attention to it and left his statement lying around for you to read. Does he try to undermine you in other ways?

Whatsapping · 15/10/2020 00:19

(I know as a woman I should, but I don't)

I lost any sympathy for you there

grapewine · 15/10/2020 00:22

The fact that you're only angry because he paid for it is baffling ...

SoulofanAggron · 15/10/2020 00:36

The fact that you're only angry because he paid for it is baffling

I think maybe it's because it highlights how 'thirsty' he is to look at tits etc. And that sleaziness is unattractive.

Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:12

@Whatsapping I wasn't looking for any sympathy. But thank you for contributing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:15

@Thelnebriati if I'm honest, he's literally like a different man recently and this is what is upsetting me. He's gruff, short with me and just generally not very nice to be around at the moment.
He thought it was funny that he'd been "caught". I said to him the fact that he used the word caught made him realise he'd done something wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:18

@Closetbeanmuncher I think that's exactly it, and I almost don't want to dig any further in to bank statements etc like @Appleofmyeye05 said to see because we've always had a lot of trust but I know that's me burying my head in the sand.

He's changed, and I can't deny that. He spends hours downstairs once I've gone up to bed doing god knows what.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:20

Totally get where you're coming from @Marina26 and it does feel hypocritical of me to get upset by this, but we are usually so open about things that it's the secrecy more than anything else. If he'd have actually come to me and said he'd subbed someone then we'd have actually discussed it but being so curious over a lady from Love Island's tits that he pays £15.99 a month for the privilege just seems a bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:24

@SoulofanAggron 100%!! It just seems so desperate and a bit sad.

@grapewine the paying for it on Onlyfans often opens lines of communication between the person paying and the performer. And that's what I don't like about it.

OP posts:
SicklyToaster · 15/10/2020 01:51

[quote BillyAndTheSillies]@SoulofanAggron 100%!! It just seems so desperate and a bit sad.

@grapewine the paying for it on Onlyfans often opens lines of communication between the person paying and the performer. And that's what I don't like about it. [/quote]
She's very unlikely to try to shag your husband, if that's what you're concerned about. If £15.99 isn't an amount he'd have to check with you before buying, say, a book, and you accept that he uses pirnI don't see how you have a leg to stand on here.

Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 01:58

I'm under no impression that she would @SicklyToaster believe me. But is he? Those amounts add up, it's £15.99 for a basic subscription, then they can choose to tip, pay more for personal videos etc.

There's a big leap for me going from free porn that can be accessed very easily to paying for one specific person's content. It's no different to paying for sex chat lines or webcam girls. To me the line is crossed when it becomes a personal service, not just something out in the open for everybody to view.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 02:05

Gosh your mind goes everywhere when you're up with a teething baby.

Things aren't perfect at home, part of me wonders if he left it lying about as an out, knowing that it would upset me.

I know there's something else going on, I doubt it's physical. We work together - at his parents company and he doesn't really socialise outside of work so I don't think he'd have much opportunity to do anything physical.

We don't have a great sex lite at the moment, but that goes both ways effort wise. Our one year old will always wake up at inopportune moments and we don't get much time to ourselves. But there are definitely times when I've headed up to bed at 9/10pm knowing I'll be up with the baby when he could have joined me, instead of staying up until midnight/1am - probably watching porn, so I need to address that and stop being so laidback about him accessing it.

And partly why I feel like not checking statements going further back is burying my head in the sand. If I unravel more things, I'm effectively stuck. A one year old and a four year old, his parents pay my wages etc.

OP posts:
Febo24 · 15/10/2020 08:16

Please do. This was my life for years. I wouldn't go downstairs after committing to going to bed in case I walked in on him doing something.

Long and short, I eventually did, it was camming and it has been a feature of my marriage all along and I didn't know. He has an addiction.

We separated on Sunday.

You don't have to be cool with porn to keep your relationship, and don't let him make you feel that way. You're uncomfortable, then it needs to be rectified. Not minimised.

Sunflower1970 · 15/10/2020 08:24

Rather then speaking about it you could just continue as you are and let things unravel. if he is Messing about it inevitably will. Then his parents will see what he’s been up to and you will have their sympathy and support!! Not sure what else to suggest - he doesn’t sound like a very nice man x

Original poster
BillyAndTheSillies · 15/10/2020 09:21

@Febo24 I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that. And I hope you're doing ok following the weekend.

You've hit the nail on the head, I genuinely don't know what I'll find if I was to go downstairs once I'm in bed. His laptop is the only one in the house and he's quite open about letting me use it but tabs can be closed and private browsers exist. He said when we first got together 10 years ago that he'd had a problem with porn when he was younger and it didn't impact our relationship - now it does.

@Sunflower1970 this might be a route I have to take. He is 100% the golden child and I'm not sure of how much support I'd receive from them if I'm honest. I'd say until about 6 months ago he was incredible, we had fun and were each other's best friends. Lockdown turned him in to someone who really isn't very nice, trying to keep a business going and losing a close grandparent a month ago has just impacted that. But now I'm left dealing with balancing his moods, and juggling the kids.

OP posts:
Ginorwine30 · 15/10/2020 09:27

The onlyfans thing would really bother me! I know people have a lot of different opinions about porn but a paid subscription to a particular person would feel worse to me than DP just getting off to a random video. It feels disrespectful for him to be paying someone every month for sexual content.

As you’ve said things have changed during lockdown, can you sit down with him and discuss it or do you feel he would be dismissive?
I’d also keep a check on accounts etc to see if it just this one subscription or if it’s other things like paid webcams etc.

JaffaCake70 · 15/10/2020 21:49

@Whatsapping

(I know as a woman I should, but I don't)

I lost any sympathy for you there

Same.
IJustWantSomeBees · 17/10/2020 12:52

I don't have any advice since you say you don't want to leave him and also don't feel in a position in which you can call him out, but I just wanted to say he sucks and I hope your situation improves

chloe23x · 17/10/2020 16:47

I was in the same boat a few months back, didn't find bank statemtents but an email popped up on his front screen saying his subscription for only fans was due..I also agree it's a lot more hurtful as opposed to watching free porn as he's targeted a specific person and paying them money each month to see their photos/videos etc

Chailatteplease · 17/10/2020 16:52

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I know someone who does it and she has trust issues because of all the ‘clients’ she has who are basically cheating on their wives. From the sounds of it, it’s much more personalised to the user than porn, flirty/sexual chat etc.

RandomMess · 17/10/2020 17:02

Honestly it sounds like he is either addicted or has some sort of on line based relationship.

He could be treating you badly hoping you end it so he isn't seen as the bad guy...

Thermo · 17/10/2020 17:06

Is porn fine in your relationship? Then pay for it. Free porn is more troublesome than you think , don’t feed these companies.

Is porn a dealbreaker in your relationship? Does it upset you full stop? Then no, it’s not okay. It needs to be discussed

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