Don't even know how to title this...

[theonewithnousername]

I've been an absolute idiot and now I'm in such a shit situation I just don't know what to do. This is going to be a long one,a lot of information so I don't dripfeed, I have not told a soul any of this or even noted it down anywhere but I can not cope another second, I'm having suicidal thoughts now and feel like I just can't breathe in this house.

DP moved in just over a year ago from a different country. I filled in his eyes paperwork, made his appointment, registered him with doctors etc literally sorted out everything for him. This was my first relationship since escaping domestic violence from my DS dad (10 years of pure hell) I was single for three years and completely confided in DP. He knows everything that my ex done to me and I honestly thought he was different, I thought he was the one, my protector and in reality he is just as bad if not worse.

I feel guilty writing this about him, why has he got such a hold over me that I am the one feeling bad?!

Within the first few months of living here he was lovely, although he cleaned and did his fair share with housework he just point blank refused to ever cook food. I come home from working full time and the first thing he would say is 'what you gonna make to eat' after sitting on his arse all day playing PlayStation or watching movies. ( he was unemployed for 10 months - no benefits, fully supported by me, looking for work but actually it was me who made his cv and spent time applying for jobs for him - he works now but I applied for this job for him, I take him to and from work including when he finishes at 1am. I never get so much as a thank you, kiss my arse nowt, but then am made to feel like I should be grateful because he has given me £500 out of his wages so far)

In the first few months he had issues with my DS, my DS was speaking to him badly being messy etc. It has pretty much resolved now however during that time DP was physically aggressive towards me. When I say anything about it he plays it down and says he was joking, that wasn't fighting, or I wish you were a man (so he could fight me properly)
This is some of the things he did to me and I don't think it's a joke. He has put his hands around my throat numerous times, on my face knocking out my contact lenses, covering my mouth and choking me shouting do you want to die, thrown me to the floor and slapped me across the face, pulling me to the ground from behind and covering my mouth while screaming I fucking love you. That's without the intimidation and threats, he has made comments like chose, a rib or your ankle because I can't touch your pretty face, you're lucky you have a face like that, asking how deep the drain is in my back garden, if there is any plastic wrapping in the house, or on one occasion during an argument walking into the room sharpening a knife. He has ran upstairs with scissors threatening to cut my hair off, and hair clippers to make me bald.

This is so difficult for me because when he is nice he is so nice, we have a laugh and the above hasn't happened often, especially not now. I am pregnant. This baby was not planned, I was on the pill but did not have my breakthrough bleed. He has been nice to me lately but somethings that annoys me is he just expects sex whenever he says. This is 2/3 a day and that's a work day! Weekends it can be upto 6 times! Sometimes when we are getting on I want to, I am attracted to him, but other times I am not feeling well or just can't be arsed and he will go on and on and on.

I realise how much of an idiot I sound as I'm writing this. I did want to kick him out at the very first instance given he knows what I suffered in the past, but he gave up everything to move here, has no friends or family in this country and at the time had no money or work.

Today has been really really shit, it was the scan for the baby today. I was excited, getting ready he was playing his music, ( I can't stand it, it's vile rap talking about women in a disgusting way or guns etc etc and the videos to it are enough to make you sick) anyway I made a comment to him that he needs a new playlist because he always listens to the same songs. Well from that I got the silent treatment, would not walk into the hospital with me, didn't say a word to me and just made me feel so sad and uncomfortable at the scan. When the lady finished he just got up and walked out before I'd even got off the bed, I could of cried there and then. When we got home I asked him why he is making me feel like that for no reason and he just flipped out saying I'm a woman nothing more, he doesn't care about me just the kid, I'm mental, I have brain damage etc. He put his hands on my head from behind because I wouldn't shut the fuck up as he told me to. This wasn't hard but he was visibly angry and still had no right to touch me. I stopped talking and just tried to relax myself then took him to work. He's text me before he started saying love you bitch and a load of xxx.

I can't take this any more, it's making me ill. I know what I need to do but I think I needed to write this down for the reality to actually sink in for me. I know I've been an absolute idiot, I feel stupid and humiliated and ashamed of myself.
I tried to contact my person from women in need back before I fell pregnant, I had her number as she had been helping me with court proceedings against my ex, however she never replied to me. I just feel isolated and sad.

Thank you for reading this, if you managed it all

Oh and if you haven't read Lundy Bancroft's "why dies he do that", it's worry a read.

Here's an online version (free);

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

*worth a read

Abusers often fall under a mix of types but yours seems to fall most solidly under "The Terrorist" type.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Regarding the marker, the OP has so far been unable to call 999 and then press 55 to activate the marker. She said either she didn't have her phone or he smashed it against the wall. Even if the response time is 3 minutes, it won't do her any good if she can call. She and the dc will need winter things, uniforms, etc., but not at the expense of their lives.

She's leaving to keep them all safe. Please don't discourage her or cause her to second-guess.

My sister was neighbours/friends with a woman who was married to a terrorist type too; he regularly threatened to end her life, told her he was going to kill her and bury her in a specified, isolated place (the woods, I think).

He also told her her family obviously didn't care about her and wouldn't even look into her disappearance deeply etc.

They love that feeling of power, makes them high.

If you read the description of the Terrorist type below;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

... It suggests he's potentially very dangerous even after you've left. You need to deal with this with the utmost caution and self protection, for you and your children.

@GilbertMarkham you are 1 million percent right - he's solidly in the territory of completely unhinged super dangerous. Really never going to be someone who goes quietly or can be reasoned with. Fortunately this is early stages do well done OP.. many would have stayed on.

@beenwhereyouare what the op would do is dial the number 30 minutes before he gets home. Or even an hour. Not wait until he's strangling her ffs. He gets home at 1. Jesus.

To encourage her not to go to the police or to pretend it's not important that they be involved in this puts her in danger. These men are ONLY influenced by extreme consequences and by the threat of a bigger stronger force. Not likely to be the OPs grandad is it? And even then the really bad ones don't give a fuck about the law but there's nothing else that will work. This isn't pink n fluffy time. This isn't oooo let's say 'poor ickle you and never mind' time.

It's time for decisive strong action using every fucking weapon at your disposal (not physically obviously). This isn't time to encourage the kind of soft headed thinking that gets women in these situations where they feel sorry for their (frankly fucking dangerous) abuser and get all 'confused' and gong want to 'make things worse'. Women not pressing charges and not involving the police is one of the biggest reasons these vile creatures walk around freely.

He could well kill the next woman and there's no Claire's law for her to find. No criminal record. Nothing. It's not ok. Part of the denial is not thinking it's bad enough to take that step. Perhaps the OP feels too humiliated by the fact that she's gone straight out of one situation into another (I think the marker was for the last one)?

But the reality is OP that humiliation is the least of your worries. You've actually acted very fast and have nothing to be humiliated about with the police. They care more about stopping him and if he's got them on him he's a lot more likely to fuck off back to Belgium than want to be in their firing line. Maybe you'll not get a good response from them as many have suggested. But if you don't try then you are leaving the door open for him.

He is dangerous. He's also going to be in your life for 20 years. Especially if your baby is a boy. But you left and have a plan so I'm sending all of my wishes that it works out. That he leaves and you have the place and yourself and your son somehow protected. If you can get cctv (even a ring doorbell) it's a big help if you need to give proof to the police.

I have cctv on my house already. I've spoken to 101, told them everything I am waiting for the officers and domestic violence team to come out and take more information and then help me come up with a plan.

I called in sick to work haven't told them the truth but I spoke to my sons head of year at school and have been allowed to collect him 30 mins early, then straight back to my grandparents by the looks of it.

I feel sick about this baby, terminating is not an option for me, however I feel no bond what so ever. I know it's early days but since finding out he has referred to this baby as 'MY kid'

@GilbertMarkham

My sister was neighbours/friends with a woman who was married to a terrorist type too; he regularly threatened to end her life, told her he was going to kill her and bury her in a specified, isolated place (the woods, I think).

He also told her her family obviously didn't care about her and wouldn't even look into her disappearance deeply etc.

They love that feeling of power, makes them high.

If you read the description of the Terrorist type below;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

... It suggests he's potentially very dangerous even after you've left. You need to deal with this with the utmost caution and self protection, for you and your children.

Thank you for your advice I'm going to look at the links now

Sounds like you're doing, really, really well. You should be so proud of yourself.

Please talk to your midwife and do tell her everything, yes she will inform social services but if your unable to leave your self social services can help you you are having a baby with this man he is dangerous you have to protect your children. It's not about you any more you have a child already and a baby coming think of them

I wonder does he have any record for similar in Belgium or anywhere else he's lived.

That might be useful to know; and for legal/SS involvement going forward.

"My kid" - hasn't he already knocked you over while pregnant, he could have caused you to miscarry. I'm sure "his kid" would be interested to know when they're grown up that his sperm donor threatened his mother's life repeatedly and physically abused her before they were even born.

You're going to have to be all over this with the law and social services to see if you can minimise his contact (ideally to none but I dont know how feasible that is).

He might lose interest and move on if things are made hard for him, easier to do fuck all when it comes to looking after a baby on his own (and he doesn't even have female relatives here he can pass it on to like these guys often do, though they do try to do it with new partners/girlfriends too).

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl nobody at all was saying the OP shouldn’t contact the police, the difference was that most posters were encouraging the OP to get to a place of safety first. You were encouraging the OP to stay in her home because of her stuff.

It’s irrelevant now as she is at a place of safety and should of course call the police but please think twice about the advice you give to a poster who is at serious risk, the police are not just hanging around waiting to be given a time to attend a property on the off chance something might happen. The OP would have most likely been told there is no crime in progress and to dial 999 if that changed when he was back. At which point she is already at severe risk.

You need this person out of your life, press charges, do whatever you can to get him to go back to his ghetto.
Don't put this dangerous toxic abusive piece of shit on the birth certificate

When you said 'My grandad won't leave my side' I was like 😭😭😭. Oh god I love your grandad. He sounds like the best grandad ever ♥️♥️♥️ xx

Since you’re not married, he doesn’t have automatic parental responsibility. Do NOT register him as the father. He can apply for a court order giving him parental responsibility but that will involve some expense for him which may mean he doesn’t bother, and anyway you will have the chance to defend the application. Hopefully, given the level of violence, he would not succeed in getting parental responsibility anyway.

You should also talk to the council about getting moved. You’re in serious danger while this man can get to you. He has already been so violent that I think it is very possible that he would kill you and flee the country. Especially if he thinks you are keeping his child from him. There are so many additional serious risk factors in your case. Make sure the police are aware of everything that has happened.

Second everything in Dery's post.

OP, just another who wants to say how amazing you have been. It can only get better from here. Wishing you and your DC plenty of happiness x

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

is 100% correct about these types. You can't be fair or soft with a psycho who wants to kill you.

Once you get him gone, I would never tell him you even gave birth. Nothing. Not that you'll ever speak to him again but he can be told you lost the baby.
Then he would have no rights at all. And that is how it should be.

I'm a bit curious of how you met and how much time you spent together before he moved there?

You've done a fabulous job protecting yourself and DS. It great that you called the police so there will be record of this. If he got kicked out of the country, that would be the best outcome for everyone.

.

Thinking of you today OP

Well done on getting out and acting so quickly on people’s advice. Your grandparents sound amazing and I hope you and your son are ok. Your ex sounds unhinged, I felt sick read your OP

Hope things went ok op, well done for getting to safety, your grandad sounds awesome

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl, respectfully I think you misunderstood; the police definitely need to be involved. Now. She needs their protection.

My objection is that you seem to be telling her to stay in a dangerous situation until police arrive, or to go back so soon to retrieve belongings. There needs to be as much legal and physical protection in place as possible before she steps foot back there. A plan in place for what happens after the police leave.

@FastAndCurious and many other posters are disagreeing with you because of the timing and strength of the immediate response you advised @theonewithnousername to to take.

Full force of the law? YES, but we hope she'll leave the rest of her things until there's a more safe and secure plan in place to protect her and her dc.

How are you @theonewithnousername ?

Nothing to add just:

Keep strong, keep fighting you are worth so much more than him!