I've been an absolute idiot and now I'm in such a shit situation I just don't know what to do. This is going to be a long one,a lot of information so I don't dripfeed, I have not told a soul any of this or even noted it down anywhere but I can not cope another second, I'm having suicidal thoughts now and feel like I just can't breathe in this house.
DP moved in just over a year ago from a different country. I filled in his eyes paperwork, made his appointment, registered him with doctors etc literally sorted out everything for him. This was my first relationship since escaping domestic violence from my DS dad (10 years of pure hell) I was single for three years and completely confided in DP. He knows everything that my ex done to me and I honestly thought he was different, I thought he was the one, my protector and in reality he is just as bad if not worse.
I feel guilty writing this about him, why has he got such a hold over me that I am the one feeling bad?!
Within the first few months of living here he was lovely, although he cleaned and did his fair share with housework he just point blank refused to ever cook food. I come home from working full time and the first thing he would say is 'what you gonna make to eat' after sitting on his arse all day playing PlayStation or watching movies. ( he was unemployed for 10 months - no benefits, fully supported by me, looking for work but actually it was me who made his cv and spent time applying for jobs for him - he works now but I applied for this job for him, I take him to and from work including when he finishes at 1am. I never get so much as a thank you, kiss my arse nowt, but then am made to feel like I should be grateful because he has given me £500 out of his wages so far)
In the first few months he had issues with my DS, my DS was speaking to him badly being messy etc. It has pretty much resolved now however during that time DP was physically aggressive towards me. When I say anything about it he plays it down and says he was joking, that wasn't fighting, or I wish you were a man (so he could fight me properly)
This is some of the things he did to me and I don't think it's a joke. He has put his hands around my throat numerous times, on my face knocking out my contact lenses, covering my mouth and choking me shouting do you want to die, thrown me to the floor and slapped me across the face, pulling me to the ground from behind and covering my mouth while screaming I fucking love you. That's without the intimidation and threats, he has made comments like chose, a rib or your ankle because I can't touch your pretty face, you're lucky you have a face like that, asking how deep the drain is in my back garden, if there is any plastic wrapping in the house, or on one occasion during an argument walking into the room sharpening a knife. He has ran upstairs with scissors threatening to cut my hair off, and hair clippers to make me bald.
This is so difficult for me because when he is nice he is so nice, we have a laugh and the above hasn't happened often, especially not now. I am pregnant. This baby was not planned, I was on the pill but did not have my breakthrough bleed. He has been nice to me lately but somethings that annoys me is he just expects sex whenever he says. This is 2/3 a day and that's a work day! Weekends it can be upto 6 times! Sometimes when we are getting on I want to, I am attracted to him, but other times I am not feeling well or just can't be arsed and he will go on and on and on.
I realise how much of an idiot I sound as I'm writing this. I did want to kick him out at the very first instance given he knows what I suffered in the past, but he gave up everything to move here, has no friends or family in this country and at the time had no money or work.
Today has been really really shit, it was the scan for the baby today. I was excited, getting ready he was playing his music, ( I can't stand it, it's vile rap talking about women in a disgusting way or guns etc etc and the videos to it are enough to make you sick) anyway I made a comment to him that he needs a new playlist because he always listens to the same songs. Well from that I got the silent treatment, would not walk into the hospital with me, didn't say a word to me and just made me feel so sad and uncomfortable at the scan. When the lady finished he just got up and walked out before I'd even got off the bed, I could of cried there and then. When we got home I asked him why he is making me feel like that for no reason and he just flipped out saying I'm a woman nothing more, he doesn't care about me just the kid, I'm mental, I have brain damage etc. He put his hands on my head from behind because I wouldn't shut the fuck up as he told me to. This wasn't hard but he was visibly angry and still had no right to touch me. I stopped talking and just tried to relax myself then took him to work. He's text me before he started saying love you bitch and a load of xxx.
I can't take this any more, it's making me ill. I know what I need to do but I think I needed to write this down for the reality to actually sink in for me. I know I've been an absolute idiot, I feel stupid and humiliated and ashamed of myself.
I tried to contact my person from women in need back before I fell pregnant, I had her number as she had been helping me with court proceedings against my ex, however she never replied to me. I just feel isolated and sad.
Thank you for reading this, if you managed it all 