What are the signs of a cheating partner?

[IsitmeamIparanoid]

Regular poster name change because I may be being a paranoid idiot but I am asking seriously. My DP of 5 years doesnt live with me. Generally he is a good partner although he has his twatty moments.

But some things give me cause for concern

1 he deletes his text messages- when I asked him why he said to save storage

2 A couple of months ago he had a massive phone bill that he told me about. He said it was call to his depressed friend.

3. He has lied to me about some stupid things and some more serious.

4. He can be very secretive.

In his favour his family are very intrusive so I can understand why he might want privacy. Ive never had any solid evidence just suspicious behaviour.

I accused him a couple of years ago when we were going through a rough patch and he was shocked that I thought it well seemed it (or maybe that I caught him)

Sometimes I couldn't believe that he would do that but sometimes I think he may be a very good actor.

Generally I am a suspicious person but I have never thought that any of my previous boyfriends were cheating.

If I confront him I feel he will just deny it and without any proof we will be back to square one. I have thought of counselling but I dont know if we would get to the bottom of it with out him being truthful. He isnt a compulsive liar or anything but when confronted will always lie rather than face the consequences.

Nothing I just read made me think he is having an affair.

Also seems that you don't have many positive things to say about him.

If you don't live together, then why would he cheat and lie? Surely, he'd just end your relationship and move on as it wouldn't involve him in any major upheaval. If you were living together, he might not want to do anything which would upset his living arrangements, but that isn't the case here.

Do you have children together?

We do have a child together

He is very supportive active in his role as a dad and as a boyfriend He has many positive qualities its just this niggling doubt I cant get rid of.

Did say he was a good partner

In what way? I felt there wasn't much good about a relationship where you ahve doubts like these.

Yes I know that but what I want to work out is if it is my problem - paranoia which I will accept or if these are real signs of cheating. I just want a reality check I guess if it is me being silly I will graciously drop the issue and not bring it up.

Nothing else he does suggests cheating but I cant help wandering why so secretive- what is he hiding?

Talk to him. After 5 years together you must know him pretty well and should be able to tell if he is being straight with you.

No one should accept living in a relationship that makes you paranoid.

Are you saying I have reason to be paranoid? It could well be my issue. My self esteem has taken a dive in recent years.

How would I know? I said in the beginning there was nothing in your post which made me think he may be having an affair.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in all honesty.

He lies to you.

He doesn't want to face up to things.

You have been togetehr for 5 years and have a child together but don't live together. Do either of you want a full realtionship?

Why would you ask him why he deletes text messages? Everyone does that.

well, basically you have no proof. so it's not fair to him (or yourself) to accuse him. on the other hand, i'm a great believer in intuition. keep your eyes peeled.

in other words, don't do anything about it now, but be aware, and time will tell.

iwtbp, i don't delete texts. nor does my dh.

You must have a huge inbox in your mobile then.

Your'e right warthog- I will keep my eyes peeled but its much harder for the signs when you dont live with someone.

No one I know deletes text messages as soon as they get them. Maybe after a while to make space for new ones.

Iwanttobepositive- this is something that is in the back of my mind- I have no desire to search his pockets or anything like that its just on the occasion when he does these things I dont understand why and my natural instinct is to be suspicious. I agree its not healthy to feel this way and we will pursue counselling.

Oh, I didn't realise the crucial bit was timing re deleting texts.

I just wonder why you are with someone you don't trust.

Because he is a good partner in all other ways- generous, helpful, a good listener, supportive, active dad, not abusive, without any evidence of cheating I would want to make this work.

IMO those things don't mean he's cheating. I can see how you might be suspicious but you do seem quite paranoid. Personally I think you should maybe consider some counselling to improve your self esteem (perhaps you need some time on your own rather than in a relationship). I can't see why you'd be with someone you couldn't trust. Tbh the fact he's lied to you, especially about serious things, would be enough for me to say dump him.

Thing is he spends most of his time with us so I dont think he could be cheating unless he's doing some night thing. But He has had opportunities in the past. He isn't a smooth talker or a flirt but he does make friends quite easily.

Nnnb I am not a needy person. I am not afraid to be by myself but he is my sons dad and if it can work I will do everything to make it.

He lied about the serious thing right at the beginning and we talked it through and I forgave him and though I had moved on but I think it may have tainted our relationship

Smell nice
Take more care about their apperance
give to much explaination about this or that

If I think of any more I will let you know

"Because he is a good partner in all other ways- generous, helpful, a good listener, supportive, active dad, not abusive, without any evidence of cheating I would want to make this work. "

Trust is just as important......

"I am not afraid to be by myself but he is my sons dad and if it can work I will do everything to make it."

Have you considered that maybe a short time apart while you build up your self esteem could actually help your relationship? You said your self that your self esteem has taken a dip over recent years. I just don't think it's very healthy for you being in a relationship where you worry so much about him cheating (esp as you go on to say he has practically no opportunity to do so )

1. Finding excuses to be somewhere else, and not wanting you there if you offer to go.

2. Buying new clothes, making an effort with his appearance

3. Working late

4. Hiding the phone bill, bank statements, etc

5. A name outwith the usual circle that crops up in conversation

And usually if you can do no right, it means someone else can do no wrong

i delete my texts and im not having an affair

im not sure that your boyfriend is cheating but it does sound like you need more commitment and reassurance - maybe you sould live together?