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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate texting - what's going on here?

29 replies

jaggy23 · 14/10/2020 14:54

Been speaking to a guy who I met years ago and we recently started texting. We've been texting quite a lot for 2 weeks now. Things have been going really well - it's been quite flirty, he'd always make conversation, ask me about my life, tell me funny stories in detail, send long texts, ask about my day, flirt with me, send me pictures of what he was up to - he seemed really interested and an absolute angel. Dropped hints about meeting up, making flirty jokes etc. He's absolutely lovely and he has pointed out that we are very similar and have the same interests.

But the last few days I've noticed he's suddenly a bit colder? Like, he's still texting back and starting conversation but it's less often and some quite generic like "hey hope you're alright", much less flirting and like detailed texts about his day. I don't really know how to deal with it because I really felt it was going really well? I don't want to come across needy but I was really enjoying it and it just seems he's not that bothered anymore. What do I do?

OP posts:
seensome · 14/10/2020 15:03

Ask to arrange a date with him? Stop hinting, just ask! A bit pointless to keep texting without any reality of meeting up.
If he's wishy washy about it then you know to back off.

Original poster
jaggy23 · 14/10/2020 15:05

Well I would but he's not in the country until December so can't really make any concrete plans til then

OP posts:
Greyandrare123 · 14/10/2020 15:06

Who knows what is going on. You could ask him but be prepared for a less than substantial response. What I have learned is only invest the same energy as they are investing. Fill your life and see this as a midly enjoyable communication, no more.

Savemyusername01 · 14/10/2020 15:12

I don’t see the point in texting like that if he’s not even in the country. Why waste your time texting till December, then meeting up and it going nowhere?

Back off or tell him to contact you when he’s back.

Collidascope · 14/10/2020 15:12

Could be anything really. Maybe he's got someone else but is keeping you on the back burner, maybe he likes you but is busy with work or life, or maybe he's just bored now.

You can either ask him or back off. I'd do the latter personally. I think running a relationship completely on texting isn't a good idea. It can feel very intimate, but it really isn't, and can lead to one or both partners completely over-investing.

Hiccupiscal · 14/10/2020 15:19

Came on to say everything @collidascope said...

Pull back now. You'll never know why the change in pace/interest or what he's up to, but take the same que and pull back.

He will be back, they almost always are (and if they're not, its not worth it anyway)
Dont be so available..

Texting is too easy, it means absolutely nothing, hes not even date able until December and there was no guarantee of that actaully happening, so pull back, get out of your head space, find someone new to message/do something you enjoy, and stop giving it mind space.

You've become too emotionally involved without and genuine reciprocation.

.....you only have to read the countless "my DP messaging other women" thread to know, that messages and words mean very little.

seensome · 14/10/2020 15:20

See it as a contact for a potential date, keep in touch but don't overly invest in just this man. You're both single and anything could change in two months.

AnaViaSalamanca · 14/10/2020 15:29

PPs have given great advice. Don't assume you are the only person he is in contact with. He is probably bored and going though the phone book for an ego stroke and is enjoying the fantasy. He's probably moved on from your name to somebody else now that's why it feels that he has cooled off.

I have had too many male acquaintances randomly messaging me after years trying to strike up a conversation. I never bite beyond a cursory short response. Cool it off until you meet him in person. A fantasy relationship is not a great idea.

thecatsarecrazy · 14/10/2020 15:46

He might just have a lot going on. I chat with someone and he can be very full on, phoning, messaging sending pictures. Then he goes quiet and I think what have I done? He barely spoke on Monday but was with his parents after working away for weeks. Try not to do what I do and show your needeness. I said I had missed him. He said I've been busy and I felt like a twat

Original poster
jaggy23 · 14/10/2020 15:48

It's a strange one, he is still messaging when he can but we tease each other quite a lot and take the piss a fair bit - for every message I teased him or made a joke today, he ignored it and changed the subject? When usually he will reply with a funny or witty response??

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 14/10/2020 15:51

Did his texting started during the pandemic? My sister get text messages from guys during pandemic, and she started ignoring them because she feels she is being used and they don’t exactly care about her.

litterbird · 15/10/2020 09:16

Can you not just call him? Its an awful lot easier and then you know where you stand? All this texting palaver must drive you round the bend.....press the number buttons and call!! Even if he is out the country a WhatsApp call is free....better still just FaceTime him. Its less stressful than looking at the space between the times he texts....just call!

Ginorwine30 · 15/10/2020 09:22

I would reply with similar texts to the ones he sends you, so if his texts have cooled off then yours should to. Let him make the effort and if he doesn’t, just let it go. I’ve found that texting for too long before meeting up can ruin things, the initial excitement to meet up can die off and you just become texting buddies.

GilbertMarkham · 15/10/2020 09:34

It's anyone guess why he's cooled off - he might not be truly single and have gotten back together with or recommitted to someone he's been involved with, he might be not fully single and have gotten carried away with contact/flirting and realised he was starting to cross a line and is now pulling it back. He might be have been single but got in contact with someone else recently, gotten quite interested and feel it's inappropriate to keep flirting with you. He could have realised he doesn't want to get involved with you for any number of reasons, and not want to lead you on (further).
He could've realised you're getting a little bit invested and not just up for sexting/sex and he doesn't really want more than that, so he's cooled it .... Only he knows.

You could ask him but he may not be honest and you may wish you'd rather just matched his level and let it drift, if that's how it goes.

You need to uninvest.

GilbertMarkham · 15/10/2020 09:37

You ultimately don't have a clue what's going on with a man who's in your area, let alone one who's living his life in another country.

In fact, on that front, maybe his longterm work/location plans have changed and he's no longer v interested because he doesn't think you two will be in the same place for long enough.

NiceandCalm · 15/10/2020 16:33

Don't waste any more headspace on this guy.

Original poster
jaggy23 · 16/10/2020 09:19

So he texted me saying he's really enjoyed chatting to me and that he likes me, but he is back in the UK in early December.. he thought he told me this already but he will be going down under for a year as soon as travel allows him to, so potentially January. He said he didn't want to be the guy to not say anything, let us meet up etc and then bugger off 3 weeks later. He said about how awful the timing is etc and he didn't want to upset me lol. He said things would be different but this is his situation.
I weirdly feel really gutted, feel like it's an absolute right person wrong time thing and if it wasnt his situation then things would be different

OP posts:
TiggerDatter · 16/10/2020 09:29

He’s having you on OP. Don’t waste any more of your time

Original poster
jaggy23 · 16/10/2020 11:00

I just feel really sad about it cos we have got on so well and have so much in common etc but the timing is all off

OP posts:
Original poster
jaggy23 · 22/10/2020 12:59

Hi guys just an update.. so since I last updated you things have actually been really good, especially on the weekend, we finally video chatted and we have been chatting a lot and he's not sure quite when he's back yet, sometime around Nov/Dec, but he's been saying he's really looking forward to seeing me. He said 'not long now!!!' the other day. Silly little things made me happy like I was talking about my dad and he was joking around saying that they will really get on, and asking about him, and that he will get on better with my dad more than me hahaha.

But yesterday he's being a bit blunt again, he's ran out of data until the weekend which is ok so can only chat when on wifi. But he got drunk last night and was telling me about it was the anniversary of a family members death, I told him she'd be proud of him living life and travelling etc and he completely just ignored it. Also ignored any flirty messages before that. He's been pretty blunt this morning as well, he apologised for talking bollocks when drunk and I said as a joke that I was flattered he chose me to talk bollocks to - completely ignored it again.

I know I'm getting in really deep and I can't wait to see him I just hate waiting!! And don't know how to play it until then. Do I take a back seat? Let him do the chasing?

OP posts:
ignoringthechoc · 22/10/2020 13:16

Seriously you should listen to above posters and walk away, he has told you he is back briefly then going away for a year so where can this go?
You have already over inested and although he has played the nice guy card telling you why texts eased off he is now using you for an ego boost when there is no possibility of a relationship.
You haven't even met him yet you shouldn't be feeling this much for him.
Sorry if that's harsh but you are just storing up future pain when he leaves and every conversation will make it hurt more, end it now I say.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 22/10/2020 13:25

Yeah, he's just jokin' around, livin' his life and runnin' out of data. Mad.
How old is he?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2020 13:31

Let me tell you what's going to happen.

He's going to put in the minimum effort for the next 2 months until he gets to the UK.

You will meet, he will be effusive with compliments, gifts, activities, meals out, including you in family/friend meet ups, and lots of probably pretty good sex.

Then he'll fuck off again, happy that he's had fun but there's no emotional commitment.

You, otoh will be left heartbroken because you thought you "meant something" to him. And you do mean something - you mean fun.

Do not put your emotional energy into this man. You will get hurt. Stick to men who are dateable. You are wasting time on this guy.

nosswith · 22/10/2020 13:34

EvenMoreFuriousVexation well put, or 'lucky me I'm going to be in the UK for a short while over Christmas and I've found a woman to have sex with'.

Crystal87 · 22/10/2020 15:21

I'd cool off on him and look for someone else. I don't really believe in the right person, wrong time thing. If someone is meant for you, you fit into each others lives.