Anyone have any experience of being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I need a bit of advice please.

My daughters father has anxiety and depression. We're not together and haven't been since I fell pregnant (long story there) but his MH issue's were the main reason we couldn't be together and also him moving countries (planned before we met).

Zoom forward six years, three of which we have been slowly building contact and now he is coming back to the UK so we can try and build a life together as a family.

I absolutely don't agree that he left me when I was pregnant, but there are a lot of factors involved which I'd prefer not to dredge up.

We have spoken a lot about our past, and the love and connection is still there. We've also discussed his MH issues and I'm starting to understand him a lot better.

But I'm interested to find out if anyone has any experience of being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression.

From what I've seen, my ex needs to take space a lot which obviously needs to change if we are to become a family.

I will be protecting my dd and ensuring she doesn't get hurt in this. We've been taking things incredibly slowly and I intend to continue doing this until I know I can trust him. But so far he is putting in the work and seems to really want to do the right thing going forward.

Thanks Cherry x

What is he doing to treat his anxiety and depression?

He has been to seen councillors/therapists, does regular exercise and does meditation. He is very good at looking after himself and seems to want to try and help himself get better.

But the issue is still there, I like him enough to want to work with him. However he has never had a proper full on relationship mainly because he is embarrassed that once he shows his illness that the person will leave. So I'm trying to build up his trust as best as I can. But also be on guard and protect myself and more importantly my dd.!

DH lives with anxiety, but not depression. He is very aware of his anxiety and works hard to manage it and to minimise its impact on our life but it is still sometimes difficult - and we are older and have no children. As @StephenBelafonte said, key to it is his own approach to it. You see lots of posts here from people whose OH is not managing well.

I think my ex mainly deals with anxiety rather than depression.

In general I'm a very positive person, so I'm hopeful that being in a loving, secure home he will slowly flourish and his anxiety will be easier to deal with.

Thank you so your replies, it's all very helpful. I want to really try to make this work, so my dd has her dad and we can be a family unit which I think would be lovely for us all.

Hi OP, I don’t have any huge advice as I have been in that situation but unfortunately it has never worked out, despite me very much wanting it to. I can tell you that what made it not work for me was them clamming up and closing off when issues oreneented, which made its impossible to work through issues. I also found that the minimum of what I needed to feel safe and comfortable in the relationship was not something they were capable of meeting at that time—I think that’s the biggest lesson I will take away. You need to be honest about what you need from a relationship, and if they can’t meet that—through no fault of their own—then it’s not a good idea to pursue something.

Hopefully these snippets might be helpful to think about, and good luck!

123 you have described EXACTLY the issue I have had. He just clams up and I don't feel secure in the relationship, I don't know where I stand half the time which makes me nervous. I'm 100% sure this is his MH issues. But on the flip side he has been clear about wanting to try and make things work and he is slowly opening up about how he feels which is good.

123 did you find whatever you did, never improved the situation?

He will probably clam up and not speak about issues as this seems to be his default. Even without MH issues I have had relationships with men who do this. It too triggered some insecurities in myself as nothing got resolved. Its a horrible place to be. So, if you do want to try and work it out first ask yourself are you hoping that your fantasy of a loving, open relationship will happen with someone with anxiety and depression, as thats what you need to feel secure and happy or are you going to find ways to deal with his issues and your reaction to them? He has been away for a long time and I worry that part of getting back together might be a little bit of a Cinderella story you might be writing in your mind. You say he needs a lot of space. Always believe what a man says to you, he probably wont change and going from having space to living together in a family unit may actually increase his anxiety and not reduce it. You need to think about that too. Anxiety is awful to deal with and add depression to the mix it is very hard to watch and handle your loved one when they are in the grip of it. I suggest that when he returns you live separately and over a year or so slowly introduce him to your lives. At least you can continue to protect your child and yourself. Good luck.

Thanks Litterbird 😊

He will be living separately from us for the very least one year.

I have a fair idea what I'm getting myself into and I know it won't always be easy. We are communicating really well now and laying the foundation for a healthy relationship. But yes, you are right it does make me insecure and I need to work out how we go about minimising this.

He seems to be trying so hard and is giving up his life which is really loves to love to the Uk and try and work things out. So that alone means something to me. But I'm also prepared to walk away if I feel the situation will always be bad.

Not going to lie it's bloody hard - and that's when you have an existing stable relationship/marriage - not one where you have never lived together etc

It's easy to feel resentful of them. If you have a bad day or you're tired or not feeling great then it can become a competition you can never win - because no one will have it as bad as them - they are the ones with a diagnosed illness after all! It can be lonely and isolating not to mention often walking on egg shells or avoiding setting them off because you can't deal with the repercussions. There is also no support. You're expected to get on with and support them through it. They can take their medication to help cope but as a partner you get nothing and have to get on with it.

I'vebeen thank you for sharing 💐 I'm so grateful to everyone for sharing your stories. It's something I really need to hear. I love my ex and I think he loves me too, and I guess I hoped my general positive nature would help long term. But I'm also mindful it may not work, that his issues are far greater than I can cope with and that we are better off co parenting which is fine too.

The main thing is we are working together as loving parents for my daughter 😊 and that's brilliant 👍

In general I'm a very positive person, so I'm hopeful that being in a loving, secure home he will slowly flourish and his anxiety will be easier to deal with.

That is not how anxiety and depression work. You are not being realistic. You have some fantasy going on about being able to fix him and live together and play happy families again. It didn't work before, it wont work now.

He is your ex. Keep it that way.

I have a fair idea what I'm getting myself into

You have no idea or you would not be touching this with a bargepole. Neither of you seem to recognise that the relationship is over, that you are ex partners and that you both need to move on and build new lives. After 6 years why are you both still chewing over this dead relationship?

The important relationship here is not between the two of you but between him and his DD. He needs to nurture that relationship and you can support it best (and protect your DD best if he fails) by keeping yourself independent in the background and by keeping an emotional distance and not getting emotionally enmeshed with him again.

But yes, you are right it does make me insecure and I need to work out how we go about minimising this.

You say "you" need to work it out, not that "he" or even "we" need to work it out. You don't expect to share your own issues with him but to deal with them alone. That speaks volumes about how little connection there really is between the two of you. This is a fantasy.

But I'm also prepared to walk away if I feel the situation will always be bad.

What would it take to convince you, if what you've been through already isn't enough?

In general I'm a very positive person, so I'm hopeful that being in a loving, secure home he will slowly flourish and his anxiety will be easier to deal with

I may have read this wrong but it sounds a bit like you think you can help 'fix' him. In my experience, do not start a relationship with someone with anxiety and depression expecting them to change. I had this with an ex. He had some really positive points but could be difficult at times because of anxiety and depression. I thought if I supported him more, he would get better, then I thought when he started medication and therapy, he would get better. In the end, he didn't change and I realised that the negatives were always going to outweigh the positives.

cross post with AmaryllisNightAndDay about trying to fix him.

I think the best plan of action is to be friends and to work together to build his parenting relationship with your daughter. If it were me i’d put any ideas of a relationship between you
on the back burner and focus on parenting first. See where you are in a year.

Honestly it’s so hard my DH had anxiety when we met, he covered it well at the start but it seeps into every area of your life together. Health anxiety, thinking people don’t like him, workaholic (scared he got something wrong) overthinking everything, you spend a good chunk of your time providing reassurance. Then due to a bereavement he developed depression, being on antidepressants which we (and his GP) are pretty sure he will be on for life.
So permanently pessimist, lack of libido, never fully enjoying anything, having to do family things with the kids myself as he was having a bad day.
I found myself either going about like a supercharged cheerleader in an effort to lift the mood or getting sucked into the negativity. He rarely wanted to go out but when I made friends and went out to hobbies I felt guilty about leaving him alone.
Counselling and therapy didn’t help.
I stuck with it for years it sucks the life out of you.
I ended up depressed myself and the counselling helped me to see just what a major effect living with my DH had on me.

And I say that as someone with experience co parenting with someone with anxiety and depression. In all honesty it’s hard enough trying to get some people to handle parenting, let alone a relationship as well. Also if it doesn’t work you end up dealing with the double whammy of a broken heart AND still trying to coparent through the MH issues.

My bf has depression and anxiety. Both medicated and generally on top of but he does have ups and downs.

The difference for me is that we don't have kids together (or ever will as we both have them from previous marriages) and we don't live together (and no plans to in the near future) so I get a break when things aren't great with him and it doesn't drag me down but I can offer support.

What you are talking about is quite different and I guess if he is the father of your child then you have more to lose if things don't work out (in terms of your dc being upset).

I don't think people with MH issues shouldn't be touched with a barge pole because any one of us could experience any kind of issue at any point in our lives but i think you are right in taking things really slowly.

I think that depression is probably the most contagious conditions there are- and I myself have suffered from depression. My ex was depressed and it consumed everything, coloured everything, changed everything for the entire family. The best I can describe it is like the dementors in Harry Potter. Even when ex didn't live with us, it made our family very unhappy indeed.

Yes, twice ... how did I manage that???

Dd also on ad's, so is dp's dd. What do you need to know? Feel free to pm me for info, I'm training to be a counsellor too so hopefully can be of help to reassure you

I'll reply back properly a bit later once dd is in bed 😊 but thanks so much to everyone xx

Be wary, OP. My DH was diagnosed with depression earlier in the year (no meds yet, he is on a waiting list for counselling). It’s very hard to live with, and of course lockdown has made it worse.

I know marriage is ‘in sickness and in health’ but it’s a struggle. A couple of the things he has said really hurt me, though he later said he didn’t mean them. If I mention that I am struggling, he is of course feeling worse, so I don’t bother any more. I feel as though I have no emotional support from him. He is grumpy and miserable at lot, which just drags me down. I am on edge when the three of us are together, or when he’s looking after DD on his own,in case something she does annoys him and he’s grumpy for the rest of the day.

The infuriating thing is that he is always wanting us to spend more time together as a couple, but doesn’t seem to realise that his actions mean I don’t want to spend time with him If I say anything, I feel that he twists my words so he’s right and I’m wrong. It’s exhausting.

I am gritting my teeth and enduring until he can get counselling, until lockdown is over and things go back to normal, because I know it’s an illness and I know things are worse due to lockdown, but it’s hard. Sometimes he is ok, but I find I’m just waiting for him to go back to being miserable.

I would say don’t put yourself or your DD through what could be a stressful, miserable, existence. Leave things as they are and co-parent together.

Be aware that a lot of narcissists and similar claim to have depression as a way of excusing their shitey behaviour.

Also, if someone told me straight off the bat that they were going through something like this, I wouldn't get involved with them. Just because I dont need that in my life. Maybe that's selfish but I believe it's a womans job to protect her mental health and depression is exceedingly catchy.

My advice would be not to go there. Not quickly, not slowly, not at all. Avoid like the plague. He can still be part of his child's life but he doesnt need to be your partner to do so.

Avoid. Seriously, run.

How do I send a PM please?! 😬

See the three dots at the bottom of a persons post, theres an option if you click on that to PM.

Thank you 🙏 and thank you to everyone who has kindly replied to me. You have given me a lot to think about and you are all absolutely bringing up valid points.

I have no intention of jumping into anything with my ex. Firstly we are concentrating on his relationship with our dd first. I will assess things as we go on I guess. But I don't want to rule out anything because of his MH issues, if I had issues I would hope someone would would love me or at least make an effort with me before writing me off.