Anyone have any experience of being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I need a bit of advice please.

My daughters father has anxiety and depression. We're not together and haven't been since I fell pregnant (long story there) but his MH issue's were the main reason we couldn't be together and also him moving countries (planned before we met).

Zoom forward six years, three of which we have been slowly building contact and now he is coming back to the UK so we can try and build a life together as a family.

I absolutely don't agree that he left me when I was pregnant, but there are a lot of factors involved which I'd prefer not to dredge up.

We have spoken a lot about our past, and the love and connection is still there. We've also discussed his MH issues and I'm starting to understand him a lot better.

But I'm interested to find out if anyone has any experience of being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression.

From what I've seen, my ex needs to take space a lot which obviously needs to change if we are to become a family.

I will be protecting my dd and ensuring she doesn't get hurt in this. We've been taking things incredibly slowly and I intend to continue doing this until I know I can trust him. But so far he is putting in the work and seems to really want to do the right thing going forward.

Thanks Cherry x

Moving on up I've sent you a pm

Seriously, coparent and don't touch the rest of this situation with a barge pole! From my pregnancy onwards my husband has been in the grip of severe anxiety. That's nearly three years now. It sucks the joy and the life out of you. I have had to self protect as I have to be there for my daughter as mother and father. It took him ages to bond with her but I have to pick up all the slack when he is so bad he can't walk straight, forget the nursery run. My shoulders are hard with tension all day. You do not have a clue, it is miserable.

Given that you not only have a child but he's also the father you would be risking far, far too much by getting into a relationship with him. You're showing codependent traits and a worrying lack of understanding about what living with someone with serious MH issues is like.

I'm most definitely not co-dependant, I just like him and did from the moment I met him before I even knew about his illness. And I've been doing lots of research about MH and have friends with it, who I talk to regularly about it. So I have a reasonable understanding of the situation I'm potentially putting myself into. I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible, hence why I posted this question. As I said this is giving me food for thought.

Right now I just want to focus on building the relationship up between my dd and my ex. He is committed to that which is the most important thing.

Have you seen him in the 6 years he's lived in another country? As you are preparing for how to deal with his issues - which he had 6 years ago - I assume he still has the same issues.
" He didn't leave me when I was pregnant" you blurted that out before anyone here would know, so clearly, you've been told this, and this occurred - very Freudian slip.
Your obviously in the mindset of fixer, if you do X y z together, he will be better. You may have a happy family dream. It should probably remain a dream.

My mum had both of these chronically all her life, and my childhood has some very bad bits because of it. She was a single mother, and did her best and loved me dearly, but still, it wasn't easy, so I think you need to be aware that an awful lot of caregiving may be required of you and it is likely to be very draining (I had to do a lot of caregiving for her, especially when she got older.) Also, your child is very likely to be affected, however hard you try to shield them.

Seen counsellors and therapists?
Sounds like it could be positive. Or it could be nonsense. Depends who. How often? What work was done and how he’s continuing to put this into practice.
No medication?
I would be wary. He left you when PG. is he liable to walk back out and cite MH reasons whilst leaving you high and dry?
Exes are exes for a reason. Unless something major has shifted I wouldn’t go back for a second dose.

Very quaint thank you. No I don't want my dd to be affected. She has always been my priority, she's such a happy friendly little girl and I want her to stay that way.

Open to offers. What was a typo, I meant to say he 'did' leave me when I was pregnant it's something I've never hidden. And it's obviously something I'm not happy about. It's taken us 3 years of talking to get to this stage, so believe me I'm not going to be rushing into anything if at all. Like I said the priority for me is helping my DD's relationship with her dad.

My ex suffers with anxiety and depression and it really dragged me down.

He had and still has really poor management of this, choosing to set medicate with drink and drugs over medication prescribed. He regularly doesn’t turn into work.

I’m not saying everyone with mental health issues will act like this but if I were to ever get into a relationship with someone who suffered with anxiety and depression I would need to see that they can manage this by themselves without hitting the self destruct button.

This makes me so horrendously sad as I'm the one with the anxiety. I became depressed at around 14/15 and as a result I became anxious. I was diagnosed with GAD in my 20's. At 43 I feel I'm now on top of it in terms of controlling the panic attacks, and (touch wood) i haven't had one for years, but it cost me my first marriage underneath I expect, as I must have been a nightmare to live with, so stressed all the time etc. I've had the health anxiety, the ocd, the overthinking etc. I've had support over the years and each time its helped massively, but it's very difficult to hear the effect it has on others. As I got older I realised througj counselling, that 'me' and my anxiety weren't the same thing and that seemed to be the trigger for helping me to manage it better and realise when it was taking over, vut I wish to God I'd realised in my younger years.

I wish you all well, and I hope that your husbands/partners have learned to get all the help they can for your sake's as much as their own

If you’re wondering if you can manage his anxiety and depression, are you really willing to subject your daughter to it as well?

You can’t rescue him.
You can’t change him.

Being with somebody with those issues is utterly draining. I have been in a relationship like that in the last.

But also, I see how worn out MIL looks at her age dealing with a paranoid and anxious man Like FIL.... for 50 years...I wouldn’t be taking this on. Let him live nearby let him slowly become part of your life but please stay away romantically.

Booboo bless you 😢 I'm so sorry to hear, and I really do feel for you. Sounds like you're doing really well now, hopefully one day you will meet someone wonderful who will love you and your anxiety.

I'm so glad I wrote this post, it has really, truly got me thinking. As hard as it is, I've not heard what it's like for the partners and you are all saying the same thing. I'm going to monitor things very, very carefully and see how he manages his anxiety and see just how I feel I can trust him around my dd. The last thing I want is a mentally healthy, stable child to start exhibiting the same issues as her father. In terms of a relationship with him, I'm very doubtful now. Thank you, mumsnet as always is such a brilliant place.

@Cherryblossom200

I think my ex mainly deals with anxiety rather than depression.

In general I'm a very positive person, so I'm hopeful that being in a loving, secure home he will slowly flourish and his anxiety will be easier to deal with.

Thank you so your replies, it's all very helpful. I want to really try to make this work, so my dd has her dad and we can be a family unit which I think would be lovely for us all.

I want to really try to make this work, so my dd has her dad and we can be a family unit which I think would be LOVELY for us all

I LIKE him enough to want to work with him

I don't feel secure in the relationship, I don't know where I stand half the time which makes me nervous

Why would you bother ? You deserve more from life than this .

I'm the one with anxiety in my relationship and i know i can be difficult at time's. However I see a Councillor, I've put a lot of stratagies into place to manage. The most important thing is to feel you can say this is making me anxious ect and to talk and be open about it. However this doesn't excuse bad behaviour or nastiness in any relationship. All i will add and i know it's hard work, but if he's maybe finding a conversation hard, allow him to excuse himself and take a breather. Make it clear you will revisit what you need to talk about. But i know when anxiety takes hold it's really hard to think straight and have a constructive conversation

I couldn't read & run. I have been exactly were you are now. Trying to provide a warm kind family home for my partner and our child to thrive in & fight his depression. It was never enough. I always had to make the decisions & became exhausted. Unfortunately, it ended tragically & his 7th anniversary is coming up. I really feel for you & wish you every happiness. Depression is such a horrible disease.x

Oh Kottontail 😢 I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to share your story 💐 xx

@Kottontail I'm so so sorry for your loss, it truly is such a terrible illness

@cherryblossom200 thankyou, I have worked on this for most of my adult life and whenever it feels like it is overtaking me I seek help, thankfully I feel a lot more in control of it as I've got older (rather than it controlling me) I have got a wonderful fiance but I nearly lost him a few years back due to overthing and analysing his every word, luckily, I realised in the nick of time that I was allowing my anxiety to rule again. It's a difficult path for all concerned and I can quite see why people warn others off getting involved with someone who struggles with these problems. I hope you manage to find the right balance for having him in your lives for all of you