Wish I had left back then

[Reallywishicouldgobackintime]

I've name changed for this because I just don't want it linked to previous posts.

I just wanted to put it out there. I don't know why. I need it off my chest I guess.

I wish I had never married my husband. I wish I had known back then that it is better to be alone than unhappy.

I stay because of our child. Because I don't want to be a part time patent. He's not abusive so thats a positive I suppose.

I don't know if my life would have been any better. Probably not.. who knows.

If it is any consolation (and it probably will not be) you are not the only one.

If I knew then what I know now . . .

@Maybiteifstartled

Thanks. I hope you are ok and that you are safe at least. I am safe but so desperately unhappy. We are too different. He is so rigid in his ways. I am stuck.

I stayed far far longer than I should have.

We split five years ago and I wish I had left long before that.

Do you have kids together?

What made you finally leave?

@Reallywishicouldgobackintime - this is a really difficult one when the issue is really that you are not suited rather than bad behaviour by your partner. Are you able to talk to your partner at all? Have you tried counselling? Are you certain there is no common ground or anything (beyond your shared child) on which you can build a good relationship?

I recently heard a clinical psychologist (Professor Tanya Byron) say that staying together for the kids is a misnomer in that children do much better where they have two happy parents co-parenting from separate households rather than growing up in a household where the parents are deeply unhappy. It's also a heck of a burden to put on your child.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. We have only this one shot. And although in the UK we all have a very good chance of living to a ripe old age, you never actually know when the curtain might fall. There was a desperately sad post on here several months ago from a woman in her mid-40s. She had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for her entire adult life and had finally, after several failed attempts, managed to leave it only to receive a diagnosis of being terminally ill with a fairly limited period left to live. It was one of the saddest threads imaginable. But the poster made clear that she was posting as a warning to other people so that they didn't find themselves in her position.

If it helps - some of the most secure, functional people I know have grown up in households where the parents are separated. One of the most functional families I know - the parents separated when the children were really young. They have established a very successful co-parenting arrangement and, again, the children seem very secure and content.

Bottom line is: don't assume you have to stay for the sake of your child. As long as you are sensible and responsible (i.e. you don't start exposing them to a parade of other romantic relationships, and you surely wouldn't do that), it's not necessarily the right thing to do for your child, never mind for you. It's arguably not even right for your husband: currently he is with a wife who doesn't love him. If you leave, he has the chance of meeting someone who will.

What Dery wrote here.

I would urge you not to stay because of your child; this young person will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that. It is far better for your child to be apart and happier than for you to be with your H.

I don't know how to even begin to separate it feels so hard. I don't want to stay together for the sake of the kids

Don’t be a martyr, for goodness sake you only get one life.

Also, your child won’t thank you when they grow up!

@ExpectingToFly - there is some useful information at this link:

www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Please don't forget that what you and your H are showing your child now is going to set their expectations for their own romantic relationships when they are grown. Surely this isn't the model you want for them?

Do you think your H would agree that the two of you aren't really suited, or does he appear happy? Maybe he himself is repeating what he saw in his parents' marriage?

If it's simply a matter of different outlooks on life, no abuse, do you think that between you, you could reach an amicable co-parenting agreement - perhaps even living in the same house until DC is a bit older and childcare costs go down?

[quote Dery]@Reallywishicouldgobackintime - this is a really difficult one when the issue is really that you are not suited rather than bad behaviour by your partner. Are you able to talk to your partner at all? Have you tried counselling? Are you certain there is no common ground or anything (beyond your shared child) on which you can build a good relationship?

I recently heard a clinical psychologist (Professor Tanya Byron) say that staying together for the kids is a misnomer in that children do much better where they have two happy parents co-parenting from separate households rather than growing up in a household where the parents are deeply unhappy. It's also a heck of a burden to put on your child.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. We have only this one shot. And although in the UK we all have a very good chance of living to a ripe old age, you never actually know when the curtain might fall. There was a desperately sad post on here several months ago from a woman in her mid-40s. She had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for her entire adult life and had finally, after several failed attempts, managed to leave it only to receive a diagnosis of being terminally ill with a fairly limited period left to live. It was one of the saddest threads imaginable. But the poster made clear that she was posting as a warning to other people so that they didn't find themselves in her position.

If it helps - some of the most secure, functional people I know have grown up in households where the parents are separated. One of the most functional families I know - the parents separated when the children were really young. They have established a very successful co-parenting arrangement and, again, the children seem very secure and content.

Bottom line is: don't assume you have to stay for the sake of your child. As long as you are sensible and responsible (i.e. you don't start exposing them to a parade of other romantic relationships, and you surely wouldn't do that), it's not necessarily the right thing to do for your child, never mind for you. It's arguably not even right for your husband: currently he is with a wife who doesn't love him. If you leave, he has the chance of meeting someone who will.[/quote]
This ...
I always say , children would be happier coming from a broken home than living in one
Be brave you only have one life
Be happy xx

I agree @Dery

I think parents fool only themselves if they think they can fake a happy marriage.

When you are so unhappy it seeps from you.

Co-parenting respectfully is much better.

Having had an alarming number of women diagnosed with Cancer around me, to enormous shock and disbelief.

It is terrifying how quickly life circumstances can change.

It's so precious.

I’ve been separated since June and have really hung on to my marriage forgoing my own happiness for 6-7 years (maybe 10 years if I really think about when I was last actually happy). I also wish I had never met and certainly never had children with him. Two kids, 14 and 10. My 14 year old is extremely relieved we have split and is much happier. My 10 year old is his usual happy self. I am concerned about when they have to move from their home and that adjustment period but think they will be ok. What I’m trying to say is you assume they will be devastated but you don’t know!

@billy1966

Sorry to hear you've got women around you being diagnosed with cancer - I hope as many as possible make strong recoveries.

But yes absolutely: my maternal grandparents lived to a ripe old age but my mum died significantly younger from cancer and it just brought home to me that you can't take anything for granted.

[quote Reallywishicouldgobackintime]@Maybiteifstartled

Thanks. I hope you are ok and that you are safe at least. I am safe but so desperately unhappy. We are too different. He is so rigid in his ways. I am stuck.[/quote]
Thanks m’dear. Thoughtful of you - yes, I am safe. Just not living the life I want to live. Similarities - he and I are very different, he is ridig, right now I cannot get out.

BUT, in the middle of a pandemic I remind myself on a daily basis that I have a warm, dry house, plenty of food, and we’re not hurting for money (yet). Which is a hell of a lot more than many.

Whenever it all gets a bit ~$%*!@~ I remind myself that there are millions around the world who would take what I have in a heartbeat.

After many years of being unhappy I took the plunge and ended my marriage. It might sound weird but it helped that his behaviour towards me was deteriorating to the point it was clear to me that what we were modelling to our children was very unhealthy. I struggled to end it when I just thought it was me that was unhappy. But in hindsight, we would all have been better off if I had been braver earlier.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Leaving isn't an option at the moment for various reasons.

We are financially comfortable but wouldn't be if we split. I don't really want to put my daughter in that situation. We've worked hard and sacrificed to get where we are and I don't want to go back.

We rarely argue but there just isn't any affection there either. We have differing religious beliefs, a divide which seems to grow each year. We also have a different approach to parenting which is really our only source of disagreement.
We still laugh together and spend time together but sex life is rubbish and has been for a long time now.
I feel like its incredibly selfish to uproot our child because of these issues.

@Dery...thank you.

Awful to see how blindsided they are.

A cancer diagnosis must be one of scariest and loneliness places to find yourself.

Particularly at the moment.

Life is very precious.

OP, women have an awful habit of putting themselves and their happiness last.
However, I can well imagine distributing your child's life giving you pause for thought.

Disrupting*!

I think it's quite common for women to hang in there and try to work things out for the sake of the kids.

I stayed for another 10 years after I should have left. Didn't do me any favours.

Sometimes I think why would I bother leaving. No one would want me anyway. I've put on a lot of weight, probably down to depression. But I do desperately miss being wanted and touched.

To the poster who asked above, yes we tried counselling before. Nothing ever changes. We were probably just never right for each other but met at the time when we were both ready to settle down.. and I think that's what we did "settle" both of us.

@Reallywishicouldgobackintime I am so sad reading your post, OP
This is exactly how I feel. Looking back, I remember feeling sick when DH proposed, almost disappointed. I felt myself thinking, 'just go for it, at least he'll never hurt you' and now I think is that what I settled for??
It's so much harder to end a relationship when there isn't any abuse, and it seems like there's nothing wrong, to put your kids through all the upheaval because you feel unhappy in yourself. I've been unhappy for a long time, and as others have mentioned, I had cancer myself four years ago, which made me decide to take hold of life and value my happiness. Here I am four years down the line still in the same position. I've told him how I feel, that our non-existent physical relationship will never ever change, but he insists that everything is fine. Right now he is going through massive anxiety, and I feel like the last thing I want to do is kick him while he's down. But you do only get one life!!!! I feel physically and emotionally crushed, so unfulfilled as a woman, but when he asks me how I'm feeling, I have to say I'm fine because of his problems. I can't tell him I can't stand to be around him! How can I do that? But that's how I feel. Sorry I've got no advice for you really, but I do know how it feels

@WakingUp55643 that's so sad. Yes it feels worse to end a marriage that's good on paper but just not everything you want. For me its at the point now where it feels awkward to be intimate during the day. And sex is just missionary with no foreplay. I feel selfish for wanting more. I would feel like the only reason I am leaving is for a selfish desire to be wanted... and what if that never comes. It would all have been for nothing. And what if I leave and discover I just don't want to be with anyone. It will have been for nothing too.

ReallywishIcouldgobackintime

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Also you only need to give your own self permission to leave.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?. Would you want this sort of relationship to potentially become her norm too?. I say that because after all, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and this is no legacy to leave her.

Whose sake are you really staying for; hers or yours because it is somehow "easier" because you are actually afraid to move on with your own life?. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

You're definitely not the only one OP.I fantasise about leaving often. He wants to move house and the thought of getting another mortgage with him terrifies me. I keep one foot out of the door by not marrying him and not having another child together, it's so sad really. Hand hold from me.