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Original poster

Birthday. Is this a bad sign?

37 replies

Hoolahoop19 · 13/10/2020 12:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and all is going well. He’s lovely and sweet and we both have children from previous relationships so we have taken our relationship nice and slowly. We are in our early 40s.

We have not met each other’s children yet although we have talked about doing this very soon. His is an older teen.

It’s my birthday on Friday and it falls on a day he has his teen. Therefore he wants us to celebrate my birthday next week when we are both child-free. I understand the reason for this and am glad we will still celebrate it together albeit on a different day, but part of me feels a little sad. I would have been happy to arrange childcare for my own children to do something on my actual birthday if he had suggested it but it seems like this option hasn’t even crossed his mind.

Would this make you feel a little sad? I know that at our ages birthdays are no longer a very big deal, but I’m a little worried that it feels symbolic of things to come. Would you expect more?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/10/2020 12:10

Are your situations different, though? If you live with your children and see them virtually all the time, then you're in a different place to him, if he has restricted time with them. I can understand him not wanting to cancel seeing his child. He also might not want to rock the boat, if his ex has made plans.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/10/2020 12:10

I think I’d be pleased that he’s a decent family guy who puts his children first

You can also be sad not to be celebrating on the day itself but i really think it’s not a big deal, just celebrate next week

ChelseaCat · 13/10/2020 12:10

Honestly? No not really. I would expect him to put his child first and I think it actually reflects rather well on him

Hope you have a lovely birthday OP 🎂

Mylittlesandwich · 13/10/2020 12:11

This actually seems pretty reasonable to me. I get why it would possibly upset you a little but he's made a commitment to his child and he's standing by it rather than ditching them for your birthday. Had it been a bit birthday with a big party or something planned (when we used to be allowed to do that) then he could have looked into swapping his days if possible. As it's a normal birthday with a normal celebration I think he's done the right thing. As a child with separated parents I would have been quite put out if my dad has ditched me for his girlfriends birthday.

BowowMttt · 13/10/2020 12:11

It depends how often he sees them. If they lived with him I could understand why it would bother you but if he only sees them every other weekend I can understand why he would just want to celebrate with you the following weekend. He’s still acknowledging your birthday, just slightly later.

HeddaGarbled · 13/10/2020 12:15

No, I think it’s a good sign. Your relationship is still too new for him to prioritise you over his child.

bethany39 · 13/10/2020 12:16

How often do you both have your kids OP?

We have DSD about 30 percent of the time and her dad would feel really bad going out and leaving her if it was unavoidable - the whole point of her contact with her dad is for them to spend time together. In fact I think the only time we have done this is when I was giving birth!

User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 12:16

I don't know.... If he's the sort of father who reschedules nights frequently for all sorts of reasons but didn't consider doing it for your birthday I might be annoyed... But I'd also think less of him for being a bit of a rubbish dad.

If he always sticks rigidly to his days/nights, takes being a father seriously and us committed to that relationship , I would be happy to see him for my birthday after the actual day. And I would appreciate that he's a good father in that way.

Which one is it?

Original poster
Hoolahoop19 · 13/10/2020 12:17

Okay, I think you’re all right really. Thanks for the reality check. As I said, he is lovely and of course it is a good sign that he puts his child first and takes his responsibility seriously.

OP posts:
bethany39 · 13/10/2020 12:17

Should say "even if" it was unavoidable not just if!

Original poster
Hoolahoop19 · 13/10/2020 12:18

He always puts his child first and is an excellent and reliable father. Never swaps his days or let’s her down

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 13/10/2020 12:19

Sorry but I think he’s right. Kids come first - always - if I were his ex I’m afraid I would think poorly of you if you were to encourage him to arrange something else for his son on his day, so that he could see you ... think yourself lucky you have a lovely guy who’s a loving committed dad. I know it’s hard sometimes but honestly it’s a good thing.

User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 12:20

You're allowed to be disappointed though, but I don't think it is a sign that he doesn't think your relationship is meaningful to him. It's just one of those compromises that we have to make.

Dery · 13/10/2020 12:22

Like PP, since your boyfriend clearly only has his DC from time to time, I think you are making too much of this, particularly since he has already made plans for your birthday so you know you've not been forgotten. @Mylittlesandwich has nailed it - you shouldn't be expecting your BF to ditch his child for your birthday. His child should be his priority. Hopefully you will still be together this time next year and if necessary you can make an arrangement involving all the DCs.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 13/10/2020 12:38

YABU he’s putting his daughter first which is what he should do. It’s not like he’s not going to celebrate it at all.

Original poster
Hoolahoop19 · 13/10/2020 12:52

Just for the record I would never expect anyone to “ditch their child” 😱 I guess I was thinking more of popping out for an hour or two on a single day of the year and was wondering if this will be how it is going forward. I was just feeling a bit mopey about being alone on my birthday. But thank you for the responses and I do agree that it is actually a great sign that he’s an awesome dad and guy 🙂

OP posts:
User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 12:55

Could you arrange a zoom date for later in the evening? I see friends over zoom all the time. It can be fun? Or a phone date where you both watch the same movie/! TV programme but in your own homes? Both order the same takeaway....

SqidgeBum · 13/10/2020 12:55

Considering you are only 7 months into a relationship, not living together , havent met each others kids, and it's not a significant birthday, I dont see an issue. I would be impressed that he puts his kids first tbh. I think the days with the kids should take priority and celebrating the birthday on a different day is fine.

TheBlueStocking · 13/10/2020 13:36

Yeah, I think he's being very careful reasonable and this is a good sign

itsgoodtobehome · 13/10/2020 13:40

I think it's a good sign that he is prioritizing his children over someone he has known for 7 months. A very good sign.

Also, I love being able to celebrate my birthday over several days or weeks. My birthday was back in August and I am still meeting people to 'celebrate' my birthday in October (mainly due to lockdown conditions) but it gives good reason to keep on celebrating!!

Fairyliz · 13/10/2020 13:43

Don’t most adults celebrate their birthdays on the most convenient day? So if my birthday was on Wednesday I would have a big night out on Friday or Saturday when I didn’t have to go to work the next day.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 13/10/2020 13:48

I bet you see far more of your kids than he does of his.

He cannot and should not mess around with his time with his Dd.

It isn't just the 'good father' thing - you have taken that on board - it is the difference in your circumstances.

Look forward to celebrating him at the time he suggests.

And go out for a drink with a friend or something on your actual birthday.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 13/10/2020 19:53

@Hoolahoop19

Do you not have family or friends you can see on your birthday? Why have you out all your hopes on someone you’ve not even been dating that long. You should maybe think about carving a life for yourself outside of your boyfriend and children.

johnd2 · 13/10/2020 20:03

Have you thought about discussing your feelings with him. It's ok to feel like that and it's important that he accepts your feelings, even if you both know the real reason. Keeping to yourself is more likely to build resentment.
Just say you understand his child should come first but you didn't expect you would feel disappointed that you couldn't spend the time together. Then you are sharing the feeling without asking him to do anything other than accept it.
Of course if his reaction to that is bad, maybe then you have a problem

Stilllovehim01 · 13/10/2020 20:06

Stay in your lane. His child comes first. Accept it

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