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Original poster

Would you date him if he wasn't over his ex?

27 replies

Chickenrun771 · 12/10/2020 12:54

So, I started talking to this guy online not too long ago - we got on immediately, had a great connection, talked all day every day as much as we could. We've met up a few times. Each time the date goes like something out of a film, all we do is laugh and cuddle and kiss and it feels like I could really fall for him.

However, he revealed over text he was only out of a four year relationship six months earlier. And that while he's over it "romantically", he's not over the loss of the friendship. He said that won't get in the way of this. And that he has no urge to get back with her. And that he broke it off with her and that "devastated her" and he'd only recently felt "good enough to get back on the dating scene".

Anyway, last time I meet him, things are getting a bit hot and heavy and I think we're going to have sex but... nope, he doesn't even (TMI coming) have the... necessary standing equipment to proceed...

He says it's just too soon. I said do you feel guilty about moving on. He hesitated. It totally killed the mood. Obviously. This happened several times. He'd become a bit... excited, and then go right down again quick as it happened. I tried not to take it personally but this has never happened to me before, and it was pretty demoralising.

I've since asked him.. over the phone... if this is connected to the ex. After some back and forth he clarified, that the feeling is like having a "dead dog" inside him. He doesn't want to resurrect zombie dog. But there's a deep pit of sadness about it. "I really like you, want to see you again, we have such a connection etc etc". "I don't miss her, but I do care about her a lot as a person"... "I'm grieving the loss of the friendship".

While he says he has no plans to get back with her, this is still in his mind.

I really like him. But I don't see this working. It hurts, honestly. A lot.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Ladedada · 12/10/2020 12:57

I would tell him to take some time and I try and move on and if it’s right he will come back when he is ready. If you start a relationship when he is not ready it will forever follow you

dewisant2020 · 12/10/2020 12:59

I think he needs time to come to terms with the loss of his previous relationship. I know it must be difficult but let him go and see what happens

Dogssox · 12/10/2020 13:02

Cut your losses and move on. Too much baggage.
He's making the right noises but the physical side of him is saying something different.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 13:03

Six months is quite a long time given he made the decision to leave. But in any case, he's not mentally free to get involved, so I'd tell him to get in touch when he feels ready. Of course you might well have moved on by then; that's the risk he has to take.

LeCreusetLover · 12/10/2020 13:17

Ah OP, you could be me last year. I don't want to tell you what you should do, but maybe my story will help guide you. I had a very similar situation in Nov 2018, I met someone on a dating app and we clicked straight away. It felt so perfect, over the course of three months we spent so much time together, gave each other Christmas present, met each other's friends...

However, on our third date he had told me he was only eleven months out of a 12 year relationship. He insisted he felt ready to date (he too had ended it having "fallen out of love"). Unfortunately over the three months we dated it became clear he was not over it; while he didn't want to get back with her (he said), the guilt of hurting her so badly was eating him up. He ended up seeking professional help for low mood but despite this I felt like more of a therapist than someone he was seeing romantically. I made the painful decision to end it before I got in too deep in Jan 2019.

I felt like a chance had been missed at something truly great, and I think he did too. Almost a year later on my birthday (Oct 2019) he reached out to wish me a happy birthday. We agreed to meet for a drink and it was so lovely to see him again; yet again we completely clicked and it felt like no time had passed. Unfortunately that evening he realised that no, he still wasn't ready. I was so upset but knew this had to be it for good now.

For what it's worth, shortly after we met again that October I decided to throw myself into dating and subsequently met the guy who is now my boyfriend today. What's meant for you will find its way. Flowers

VettiyaIruken · 12/10/2020 13:18

No bloody way.

iluvgab · 12/10/2020 13:18

He's not ready to move on.
I'd end it.
You could tell him to take some time out to heal and come back when he's ready but you could be hanging around for months waiting for him.

ReneeRol · 12/10/2020 14:48

Most men would be able to have sex regardless of how they felt about an ex THEY dumped. More likely he's using his ex as an excuse because he's embarrassed that he has erection issues.

StephenBelafonte · 12/10/2020 14:50

More likely he's using his ex as an excuse because he's embarrassed that he has erection issues.&

This, for sure.

How old is he?

Original poster
Chickenrun771 · 12/10/2020 14:56

@StephenBelafonte

More likely he's using his ex as an excuse because he's embarrassed that he has erection issues.&

This, for sure.

How old is he?

Only 24, I thought this was a bit odd, too.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chickenrun771 · 12/10/2020 14:59

@LeCreusetLover

Ah OP, you could be me last year. I don't want to tell you what you should do, but maybe my story will help guide you. I had a very similar situation in Nov 2018, I met someone on a dating app and we clicked straight away. It felt so perfect, over the course of three months we spent so much time together, gave each other Christmas present, met each other's friends...

However, on our third date he had told me he was only eleven months out of a 12 year relationship. He insisted he felt ready to date (he too had ended it having "fallen out of love"). Unfortunately over the three months we dated it became clear he was not over it; while he didn't want to get back with her (he said), the guilt of hurting her so badly was eating him up. He ended up seeking professional help for low mood but despite this I felt like more of a therapist than someone he was seeing romantically. I made the painful decision to end it before I got in too deep in Jan 2019.

I felt like a chance had been missed at something truly great, and I think he did too. Almost a year later on my birthday (Oct 2019) he reached out to wish me a happy birthday. We agreed to meet for a drink and it was so lovely to see him again; yet again we completely clicked and it felt like no time had passed. Unfortunately that evening he realised that no, he still wasn't ready. I was so upset but knew this had to be it for good now.

For what it's worth, shortly after we met again that October I decided to throw myself into dating and subsequently met the guy who is now my boyfriend today. What's meant for you will find its way. Flowers

Thank you. This was both painful, and really enlightening to read - realising it probably isn't meant it to be (when I really want it to be). Agh. Such a waste of a good thing.. you feel like saying come on, wake up, get over it! But not as simple as that. I don't want to get in deeper and then realise what a heartache it'll be to get out.
OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 12/10/2020 15:00

24 is very young to have ED.

TwilightSkies · 12/10/2020 15:01

Move on. It’ll end up making you feel like shit, kind of second best.
Find someone else.

ABabyPanda · 12/10/2020 15:03

No, I have made that mistake before and they ended up getting back together and I was left upset.
Move on, he’s obviously not ready. I feel for you!

Original poster
Chickenrun771 · 12/10/2020 15:04

@StephenBelafonte

24 is very young to have ED.
Yeah... I wondered if it was me but I look after myself and (not to brag) always been received well in that department lol.

I don't know, other than the ex... or nerves... no idea.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 12/10/2020 15:05

Could be drug related Sad

movingonup20 · 12/10/2020 15:08

Everyone is different. I met dp 7 months after my h left me, 27 year relationship. But I had checked out of my marriage emotionally sooner, as had he with his and it just clicked. For others they need to almost mourn the loss of their previous relationship first

TwilightSkies · 12/10/2020 15:10

For others they need to almost mourn the loss of their previous relationship first

But surely they shouldn’t be actively dating while still in mourning?

ReneeRol · 12/10/2020 16:47

If it's not ED then maybe he's gay or asexual. I've never met a man who couldn't get it up because he had "emotional" issues over an ex. If she meant that much to him, he wouldn't have dumped her.

Whatever it is, he's got issues and he's using his ex an an excuse.

Faerysmoke · 12/10/2020 17:19

ED issues IMO too. So he was 19 when he got into this last relationship. He's very young. Maybe he doesn't feel confident talking about the issue? Maybe last ex was very understanding about it, hence the 'friendship' thing..
I find it hard to believe that emotional issues are the block though.

CaraDuneRedux · 12/10/2020 17:22

No.

You will be his rebound, "lick your wounds and prove everything's still in working order", good-enough-for-now relationship. Then once he's feeling emotionally healed he will leave you for someone else.

DudefromThatLondon · 12/10/2020 18:05

I’m literally a few weeks out of a relationship which finished as they said felt dead inside. Obviously he’s not ready and likely to blow hot and cold which won’t be good for you. But I’d also be wary as 6 months is a bit of distance from a 4 year relationship, so it sounds a bit off. I at least had a good time for a couple of months before it went askew. The early part is supposed to be fun right?

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 12/10/2020 18:18

He's only 24?! I'd bet money it's porn related ED. So many young men are victim to this now. Soz OP nothing you can do about it, only he can sort his addiction.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2020 18:24

ED at 24?

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Swaning · 12/10/2020 18:32

Another vote for porn related ED.

And his story about the ex is both a red herring and bollocks.

Move on - he isnt the 'one', there are other fish out there. and you cant fix him so dont waste time on what will eventually destroy your confidence.

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