So fed up with weed smoking partner

[3to5]

I just want to preface this by saying that I'm only 4 days PP and emotions are definitely all over the place so I'm in a bit of a mental haze.

Long story short - DP is addicted to weed. Not an all day/all night type addiction. He is a highly functioning professional, a good dad and a loyal partner.
But over the years we've been together he has made promise after promise, time and time again (will only smoke at weekends/will only have one a night/will only have it socially), and he moves the goalposts constantly to suit his mood and needs that day.
I feel like I'm at a breaking point now. We have a toddler and a newborn (4 days old) and I told him categorically that I don't want him smoking once the baby is here.
The day we got back from the hospital he had a spliff about an hour later. Then it was that he would only have one a night after toddler is asleep and would shower and change his clothes immediately as I didn't want any risk of third hand smoke near the baby. He smokes outside.

Last night I woke up to feed DC at 1am and DP wasn't in the room. He came back in and looked caught out and he'd got up after waking up and went for a spliff!
To me it's just unacceptable and pathetic behaviour. I'm so smitten with our new child and it makes me so upset to think that isn't just enough for him. And the constant making promises and giving his word to just break it at the first opportunity. I'm so fed up and miserable with it all and can't believe it's gone on this long (obviously more fool me for thinking someone can change).
I don't know where to go from here? I feel so vulnerable but also so trapped. I wouldn't be able to afford to rent or buy anywhere even close to where our lives are now and to move far out, to a not-so-nice area on my own frightens me so much.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but can anyone offer any advice at all?

I'm sorry but there was no reason whatsoever to believe he would stop this time and clearly he won't.

Do you have family support?

user128472578267

Yes you're probably right. When toddler was born he stopped smoking for 4 months and this time leading upto the birth he was making all the right noises about stopping, about how he's reflected, about how he knows he's let it get out of hand, and wants to put his health/our kids/his family first etc.
I obviously was naive but just blinded by the hope that he would stick to his word and do the right thing. I feel stupid.

I have my mum close by and she is supportive but other than offering emotional support there isn't much else she can do.

he wont stop unless HE wants to. Like most dope heads he doesn't want to, cant see why he should, thinks it isn't a big deal. In my opinion it IS a big deal and it will become a bigger and bigger deal as your kids get older. Do you want your children copying him ?
you need to decide if this is worth ending your relationship over ( I personally think it is) then if you feel it is, tell him. You and the kids or the weed. And mean it ....

He didn't stop with your first DC. Why did you think he would stop with your second one? This is not a sarcastic comment. I'm genuinely asking.

He will stop when he wants to stop. He doesn't feel the need to stop and society's views on weed has made it much more normalised. The question is not when he is going to stop/ or how to make him stop. The question you should be asking yourself is; how long am I going to stay with a man who is not going to stop this drug habit.

The question is not when he is going to stop/ or how to make him stop. The question you should be asking yourself is; how long am I going to stay with a man who is not going to stop this drug habit.

That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm not asking how to make him stop, I can see that he isn't going to. I was hoping for advice on where I go from here. I don't know how to leave my family home with a toddler and newborn, on a crap maternity package, with no where to go and barely enough money to rent anywhere even remotely close to where i am.

The best advice, which is for other readers as it is too late for you, is don’t have children with drug addicts.

As you’ve chosen to have children with a drug addict then you need to put up with it. Not fair to remove the children from their father when you knew what he was like pre-conception.

Also, get some good contraception.

PP is harsh but sadly true.

you knew he was a weed smoker when you had not one but two children with him. hes wrong for making false promises but you're also wrong for believing him again. I get how desperately you would of wanted to believe him but people only change when they want to.

my partner was a heavy weed smoker who quit before we had our child. not because I wanted him to but because he decided enough was enough, his biggest motivation was the cost. but that's the point isnt it, the person who is a drug addict needs to have that lightbulb moment themselves.

sorry you have found yourself in this position but presumably you posted on AIBU for honest responses. you're not entirely blameless in this - if he had hidden it from you would of been one thing. I dont normally agree with people asking oh why did you have children with this man but in this circumstance, if it was such a big issue for you, why did you go on to have a second child? madness

I see why you're thinking this way but 4 days post partum is probably not the time to be making major life decisions. You could try saying, you gave up for 4 months around the birth of DC1, so we both know you can manage without for that long, and the least you can do is the same for DC2. And then revisit it in 4 months.

He says he will stop to get you to stop talking about it.

Noone will keep a promise they have been cajoled in to saying

Do you have family or friends you can stay with? If not start by contacting wearewithyou who help families in your predicament. They will have some practical advice. Do not give up on doing better for yourself and children. Good luck

I have so much sympathy for you right now, I was with an ex partner that smoked weed like this and it genuinely ruined my mental health because time and time again he'd promise he'd cut down etc etc and never would and I ended up hating him and anything to do with drugs (I was very anti drugs anyway and didn't know about his 'habit' until it was too late) But fortunately I wasn't in a situation with young children. I still found it hard to afford elsewhere and ended up renting a crappy room in a colleagues house!
I'm not sure what area you're from but there's local councils that can help mothers also universal credit can help towards the cost of rent etc and could you not speak to citizens advice near where you live and see if they can offer you any advice?
I have a 2 and a half year old and am expecting my next one on the 22nd so I understand your emotions are probably all over the place and you shouldn't make any hasty decisions, however it sounds like you know deep down what you want you're just stuck in a hole which is so awful. He should be willing to compromise for the sake of you and your newborn baby, maybe sit him down and tell him seriously how you feel and if he can't change you're going to have leave him?
Wishing you the best of luck and I hope all works out for you x

Do you have family you can go to? If not - well you're stuck, at least for the foreseeable future. Suggest you concentrate on having a short maternity leave and finding good full time work (make sure he pays for half of it) so you can save and leave in a couple of years.

If you told your DP straight that you are on the verge of leaving him or wanting him to leave what do you think he would he say?
I think it’s ultimatum time, ask him to get help for his addiction or your relationship is over. I don’t see what else you can do as this is not an acceptable way to live and not fair on your DC’s.

Unfortunately,an addict won't change unless/if he wants to because seeking treatment for said addiction (and going through rehab) is hell on earth. The best you can do is leave or plan to leave in the future.

He is an addict who is putting his addiction before his family and their safety (does he know the correlation with SIDS). You can’t make him do anything you can only control how you react and decision you make.

Sorry just seen your last up date. Are you asking for advice about how to leave him?

Everyone is right, he won't change unless he wants to. But I think some of the responses are unfair. Addicts sound so sincere and genuine when they promise to quit so I completely understand why you hoped you could believe him. And yes, it does make you feel stupid when they predictably don't change. All addictions escalate eventually so things will only get worse if he doesn't quit. Does he have mood swings related to smoking/not smoking? Ultimately you will have to decide whether you want to live with an addict forever, if you don't then things will be tight but there are resources available to help lone parents.

I think you have to be pragmatic now. Start to detach emotionally from your partner. Concentrate on yourself and your children. Make small steps to establishing a life away from him, even if you don't manage that for some time.

Keep a log of his drug use and any other unreasonable behaviour. Make sure you have access to all finances and start to squirrel some money away if possible.

Are you married? Do you know what you would be entitled to if you did split?

Finally, don't keep his addiction or behaviour a secret for him. Tell his parents/family if they ask how things are going. This is shitty behaviour and you don't deserve to be in this position.

Congratulations on your new baby.

He is highly unlikely to change.

If leaving and moving areas is not an option for you right now, then set your red lines (like not holding the baby unless he has changed clothes) and give up trying to police his weed smoking.

Because you can't and you will just get more stressed and tried by trying. Accept the things you cannot change. He will not become the man and father you hoped be would be so come to terms with that.

You have a newborn so not the time to make massive decisions but start to try and detach emotionally from him. In a couple of months, start thinking about practicalities. Will you have a job to return to at the end of maternity leave?
What is his income? Is he a salaried employee or self employed? Much easier to get maintenance enforced if he is difficult if he is salaried and on PAYE. Is he is likely to be difficult if you split or do you think he would pay maintenance responsibly?
What sort of rent could you pay? Is the bad area really as bad as you think? Reputation can be very misleading. Could you live in a small flat and stay in your current area if location is very important to you.

In a few months time, consider couples therapy - it can help with the process of separating calmly and with least drama.

You cannot change him but you can take control of making the best life you can for yourself

Both me and my missis where proper stoners before we had our four year old. We lived on a boat, worked part time and got high the rest of the time. It was central to our lives. She quit when she got pregnant, I quit a month or two later. Four year on, I have s totally different view on pot. You can't be a good father and be stoned. Maybe the odd one on a night, be he's being covert about it, because he wants more than he feels he's "allowed". He has to want to stop. For himself, for his family. I'd say it's about perspective. Busy, family men, don't need a spliff to relax on a night. They're too knackered from being active all day. I really loved weed, and I'll gladly never touch it again. It makes you dead headed, forgetful and careless. I wouldn't want weed anywhere near my kid, and I couldn't parent if I'd been hammered the night before. The change has to come from him though. He has to want to quit.

He’s a drug addict. Addicts will put their addiction above everyone and everything - even their children. He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. Your only options are to leave him or put up with it.

I feel your pain @3to5
My ex husband is a weed smoker and one of the main reasons we separated. He promised multiple times to cut down and did for a few weeks/months but it never lasted. He didn’t seem to think he had a problem and would argue the health benefits of it all the time. To be clear he doesn’t have any health conditions in which weed could assist him....

I actually felt saddest because I ended up preferring him when he was stoned. He was pretty grumpy and miserable sober and much more light hearted when he’d had a spliff.

I decided to leave him when we went on holiday and he had to keep sneaking off during the day to smoke. He couldn’t blame stress of work for needing it. We were on holiday with no care in the world yet still he was so unhappy he needed an out.

I can’t imagine how you must feel with a new baby so don’t make any rash decisions. But know you must do what’s right for your children. I didn’t have a kid with him as I didn’t want them growing up with that influence.

Take care x

@3to5

The question is not when he is going to stop/ or how to make him stop. The question you should be asking yourself is; how long am I going to stay with a man who is not going to stop this drug habit.

That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm not asking how to make him stop, I can see that he isn't going to. I was hoping for advice on where I go from here. I don't know how to leave my family home with a toddler and newborn, on a crap maternity package, with no where to go and barely enough money to rent anywhere even remotely close to where i am.

Could you stay with your mother? You could still register as homeless with the council and stay with her temporarily. Alternatively, if you present at the council and tell them your relationship has ended, leaving you homeless, then they will have a responsibility to find you emergency accommodation until something more long term is arranged.

Everyone is right, he won't stop unless he wants to.

As pp said, pack your things, go to the council and tell them you are homeless. They have to house you somewhere. That's about your only option really sadly.