Any else living with an alcoholic dh?

[MrsHaycock]

We've been together over 20 years and have 2 children, both away at uni. He has always been a big drinker but over the past couple of years it has accelerated and now he's on the whisky most days by 2/3 o'clock. Then it's pretty much constant until bedtime. He becomes unpredictable and can get angry/wet the bed/fall down the stairs. So I live with a feeling of anxiety and stress that I keep hidden. He used to travel for work but since Covid he's only worked from home. I know he is depressed and fed up of being in the same four walls but he can't seem to see the correlation between his depression and his drinking. I have stopped drinking at home because he was always putting pressure on me to drink with him and I felt I was being dragged to a dark place I didn't want to be.

Most days I think, I can't do this, I don't want to do this and my life would be much calmer and happier without him. But we've been together a long time and we get on well - when he's sober. He makes me laugh and is very supportive of me as I am of him! We tend to spend time together early in the day - going out for breakfast or walking our dog. And it's lovely - except for the stench of stale whisky.

I've told him that he always smells of alcohol. I've tried shouting, I've tried gentle talking. But he either gets angry or tells me that he knows and he'll do something about it (which never happens).

I know it's a disease and not easy but he doesn't seem to want to try. Also he doesn't care about other health aspects. I don't think he's been to a dentist in over 20 years and he has a fungal issue on his feet that I find utterly revolting. Needless to say, our sex life could be better.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. I don't have people to talk to about it. I don't think I'm anywhere near leaving him. I guess I want to know there are others out there with similar issues (maybe without the foot fungus 😉). And any tips for how to cope.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Did you see a heavily drinking parent too?. You, like so many others, are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; you are his provoker (because you never forget) along with being his codependent and enabler.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would suggest you make contact with Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members or people affected by another person's drinking.

Re your comment:-
"Most days I think, I can't do this, I don't want to do this and my life would be much calmer and happier without him. But we've been together a long time and we get on well - when he's sober"

Your life (and for that matter your DCs as well) would indeed be much calmer and happier without him. Your second sentence is the "sunken costs fallacy" and that causes good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

What do you want for yourself going forward?. How do you see the rest of your life playing out here with this man; an alcoholic who is self medicating his problems and life through alcohol. You do realise that alcohol itself is a depressant. I would also think that he is continuously also on a come down from alcohol so is infact never sober at all. He neither really wants your help or support; not that you are in any position yourself to be able to do that anyway.

You still have a choice here re him and you only need to give your own self permission to leave. You cannot rescue and or save him but you can indeed choose to save your own self from misery at the hands of his alcoholism.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are separated, until then it will not happen. You do not have to choose to ask people to help you cope with him (there are no coping strategies that work) and his attendant alcoholism. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

I agree with every word of Atilla’s post here.

Don’t do anything until you’ve found your local Al-Anon group and attended a meeting. I’d guess the meetings are online now? Do you have somewhere in the house where you can talk freely without being overheard it interrupted?

Definitely contact them. They’re designed EXACTLY for people in your situation.

This is my exact situation too, long marriage, both DC at uni. I know I need to end it, i have been burying my head in the sand which is just enabling him. No abuse or anything and we get on well when he is sober but it is the secret drinking that I can't get over, I have lost all trust unfortunately.

Wow, thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat and @MacbookHo. I was not expecting such a detailed response. There is a lot to process there and I appreciate you taking the time to write it.

I'm sure a lot of my passiveness I learned in childhood. My parents are not big drinkers. But I had very academic siblings and I didn't fit into that mold. Weekends were always spent ferrying my eldest sibling around to some class or activity that she excelled at. I was then signed up for it as well whether I wanted to do it or not. So I suppose I internalised very early on that my feelings and wants were not important.

My df was (it seemed to me at the time) very angry with me throughout my teenage years. His disappointment in me hung heavily on my shoulders. This in turn showed itself in me rebelling against everything. Consequently, I didn't do well at school and told myself I didn't care. I've never really felt that I deserve to do what I want. I have very little confidence. Although people I know would probably not guess that about me. Even writing this I think I should just delete it. No one would want to read this self pitying drivel.

Nowadays, I have a good relationship with both my parents and love them dearly. I can see now that they just didn't know how to deal with me as a child/teenager. They would be horrified if I told them any of this and I never would.

It worries me that my passiveness will prevent me from ever leaving my marriage.

How do I dig deep enough and go against a lifetime of conditioning to say, 'Hang on, this isn't working for me.'?

I am very rarely in the house by myself so attending Al Anon virtual meetings would be impossible.

My xh was addicted to a whole other load of unhealthy choices. I can't tell you how wonderful it is that he's gone.

@therighttime12 it's awful isn't it? If I have been out in the afternoon he will often drink and then hide the evidence. Except I can tell. In his eyes, the way he talks and even the things he says. He will try to avoid talking to me. And I feel my heart sink. It's like a heavy cloud over everything.

Do you talk to friends about it?

Op can you not go to a virtual al Anon meeting even if you’re not alone?
Tell him you’re going to al anon.
It is a brilliant organisation and will help you so much.

@Andante57 That would definitely take things to the next level. I think if I told him that I was going to do that he would get angry with me and accuse me of being melodramatic or making it all about me. This is what he says if I try to tell him how his drinking makes me feel.

I feel very nervous at the thought but I will investigate the options. Thank you.

@MrsHaycock oh yes I can definitely relate to the secret drinking when I'm out and hiding the evidence. I usually go an visit my elderly aunt on a Sunday afternoon and have for a long time suspected he drinks the minute I leave the house, like you said, you can just tell by their eyes. Well yesterday I decided not to go and he was really encouraging me to go and saying how much my aunt loves her visits and what a shame blah blah but in reality I had ruined his afternoon of secret drinking.

I have very recently opened up to friends, I thought if I say it out loud and tell people it will gee me up to actually do something about the situation.

OP, if you do nothing, things will only get worse. And I'm sure you can imagine the range of awful ways in which the effects of his alcoholism can make your lives worse. You can't persuade him to stop, and it sounds like he has no real intention of doing so. As long as you are putting up with it, you are effectively enabling it. Leaving, or at least telling him (and meaning it) that you will be leaving unless he gets proper help immediately and commits to it, is probably your only chance at a stable and reasonable life, with or without him in it.

You should absolutely engage with Al-Anon or a similar support organisation. It will help you deal with the situation are in, logically weigh up the upsides (many) and downsides (very few) of leaving and help you detach.

He will hate it and will rebel against it, because he knows it will help you think clearly and it will make you less receptive to his criticism and gaslighting. That doesn't matter - this is something that is for you.

I lived with an alcoholic husband for 6.5 years before taking action. I tried all the things you did and got nowhere and really, I should have acted sooner. Once I did act, he gave me and DDs 5 months of ever increasing hell before threatening to kill me and being removed permanently by the police. 8 months later he was dead.

I would strongly recommend not living with an alcoholic.

Why don't you tell him you're attending a self help group for support? And you need some space while you do it. That wouldn't be confrontational and it wouldn't be lying. I've had to ask my husband to leave the house during virtual counselling sessions. He does it without complaint or needing further explanation.... It sounds difficult.

I did have an alcoholic husband. I stayed for what I thought was a long time. It was only a short marriage (5 years) but the drinking started quite early after he lost his job. He would lie continually about the drinking and we were always in debt due to him buying alcoholic all the time. He had mental heath issues as well and blamed those for the drinking.

I had episodes where he was embarrassing to be around out the house (slurring, smelled really bad) and where he would pass out by the front door or in the bathroom.

I left my husband when all the bad aspects of the behaviour just got too bad. Mood swings, continually questioning me and lastly starting to be aggressive.

That helped my husband hit rock bottom and he tried to get help but too late for our marriage. But he relapsed and 4 years on was found dead.

I often wondered if I had left earlier would that have helped before the drinking became too much?

@Sadie67 I think I will definitely seek help of some sort and I will look at Al Anon snd maybe some private counselling.

What I am starting to realise from this thread is that I don't have a dh problem, I have a 'me' problem. I need to find my backbone. And work out how to use it!

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. While it's different, my brother is an alcoholic and a drug addict and it's made our lives a misery for years. My DM and I have started going to FA - Families Anonymous and it's has really helped in reclaiming our own lives.

MrsHaycock you're being bit harsh on yourself there. Maybe reframe it a little:

Your DH has an alcohol problem.
You are powerless to do anything to change that.
You do however have absolute power over how you respond to that.

So from now on, you come first in everything. You take care of you, he can utterly fail to take care of himself.

That means you contact Al-Anon and get support, you get your ducks in a row in preparation for leaving him, you start looking forward to a life without him in it.

We're all here to support you.

Op, excellent post by Pointythings.

Al anon have a good slogan:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t cure it
You can’t control it.

Please don’t be hard on yourself - being married to an alcoholic is extremely grim - but help is available.

You don't have to mention anything about Al Anon, what you're doing, etc. Pop your headphones into your phone, join the meeting from your phone. You needn't hide it from him but equally, you're allowed privacy in your own home. Its none of his business and you don't owe him and explanation. He also doesn't need to be happy about it.

How dare he tell you you're being melodramatic. He can go and fuck himself tbh. You're doing what YOU can do to cope with the effects of HIS alcohol abuse. He doesn't get to shame you for that.

You do sound extremely passive and tentative OP. Your angry dad reminds me of your fear that your husband will shame and humiliate you for trying to cope. Im angry for you that the men in your life who are supposed to love you, are so shitty to you.

Hi, I’m sorry to read about this. I also went to Al-Anon about a family member and found it really liberating. Only went once. You have to let them hit the rock bottom which is awful. Anything you can do to speed it up it’s actually quite good

I’m another one who had an alcoholic husband. I split with him last year. All the lies, the gaslighting, deceit, verbal abuse (when drunk), etc etc. I don’t regret ending things when I did. I only wish that I did it earlier. I guess I wanted to know that I’d tried everything before calling it quits (for some dumb reason I felt like I’d be the one who broke my marriage vows if I ended things!). Here’s the secret though...you can do everything (and I mean everything) you possibly can to help the addict, but until they want to do something about it then you’re on a hiding to nothing. And absolutely this:
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. But you can control your own actions about it, and whether you’re prepared to put up with it. After 6yrs, I had had enough.

I talked to friends, work, family and kept them in the loop. I also made sure I kept the schools in the loop too (I wanted it out in the open, even though he hated that).

Get all the support you can. Don’t let him make you hide his secret...

I asked my alcoholic ex to leave at the beginning of a July and a couple of the amazing women on this thread helped me. I had a horrendous period detaching from it all afterwards but I am good now. To be free of the lies and manipulation is truly wonderful. I never thought it could feel like this but both myself and our DC are much better away from this disease.

You can't even get support for his alcoholism without him giving you shit for it. This situation is untenable.

Alanon have a support line open 10-10 daily. 365 days of the year. Could you go for a walk or a drive and call them when on your own?

0800 0086 811

Before I was able to get to a group, I used to call them occasionally and found it hugely helpful to have someone who understood on the other end of the line.

Now I have a regular group, and friends from it, and it makes a world of difference to my peace of mind and day to day living with an alcoholic.

Have a look at their website too perhaps, I used to use private browsing on my mobile and delete it afterwards.

How things are now works for your partner. He will resist all moves that threaten it. But you can quietly inform yourself and reach out to others who understand. No one will tell you to leave or to stay. They will always support you to make your own decisions.

I’m so sorry you’re living with this OP, it’s miserable. I second all the great advice you’ve had here, particularly about getting to Alanon and finding a good counsellor with experience in tge addiction field. It will really help you to readjust how you are looking at things.

Re your dh, very sadly there is nothing to do. You link his drinking to a depression problem. In the dim and distant past, his depression might initially have fuelled the drinking, but he is now an alcoholic and that has a whole life of its own, whether or not he ever seeks help for the depression. So, please don’t pin your hopes on either fixing the other.

Unfortunately, the statistics for recovery are grim and you should be eyes wide open about that the odds are, sadly, against him. I think you have to assume that if you stay with him, his condition will continue to get worse. I’m sorry if that sounds depressing. of course, there are plenty of people who have dragged themselves out of alcoholism, but it takes a huge amount determination.

Whether you leave or not, you need to make a full life for yourself.

Really good luck to you.

Thank you everyone who has posted. I need time to process all this information. Whatever I decide to do won't happen overnight. I have to get advice and get my ducks in a row financially speaking as I have not worked for a few years due to living overseas (and being unable to work for visa purposes).

For those of you who left, how did you do it? Did you suddenly snap one day or did you plan your exit carefully? It feels deceitful to plan particularly where finances are concerned.