Any else living with an alcoholic dh?

[MrsHaycock]

We've been together over 20 years and have 2 children, both away at uni. He has always been a big drinker but over the past couple of years it has accelerated and now he's on the whisky most days by 2/3 o'clock. Then it's pretty much constant until bedtime. He becomes unpredictable and can get angry/wet the bed/fall down the stairs. So I live with a feeling of anxiety and stress that I keep hidden. He used to travel for work but since Covid he's only worked from home. I know he is depressed and fed up of being in the same four walls but he can't seem to see the correlation between his depression and his drinking. I have stopped drinking at home because he was always putting pressure on me to drink with him and I felt I was being dragged to a dark place I didn't want to be.

Most days I think, I can't do this, I don't want to do this and my life would be much calmer and happier without him. But we've been together a long time and we get on well - when he's sober. He makes me laugh and is very supportive of me as I am of him! We tend to spend time together early in the day - going out for breakfast or walking our dog. And it's lovely - except for the stench of stale whisky.

I've told him that he always smells of alcohol. I've tried shouting, I've tried gentle talking. But he either gets angry or tells me that he knows and he'll do something about it (which never happens).

I know it's a disease and not easy but he doesn't seem to want to try. Also he doesn't care about other health aspects. I don't think he's been to a dentist in over 20 years and he has a fungal issue on his feet that I find utterly revolting. Needless to say, our sex life could be better.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. I don't have people to talk to about it. I don't think I'm anywhere near leaving him. I guess I want to know there are others out there with similar issues (maybe without the foot fungus 😉). And any tips for how to cope.

It feels deceitful to plan particularly where finances are concerned.

I'm pulling you up on this.

It isn't deceitful to plan. It's sensible. It would only be deceitful if you were planning to cheat him financially and take more than the share that the divorce courts would allocate to you.

What you are doing is choosing not to trust him by ensuring that you have all the information about the family finances. That is sensible. He is an addict. Addicts cheat, lie and manipulate and are not to be trusted.

That is all.

Re the finances and you being "deceitful" - think about this - how much of your finances is he drinking every month?!

As the others said, you can't make him do anything. It's time for you to look after yourself.

I think it’s about coming to the realisation that you can do nothing. It is not your DH’s fault he has alcoholism but it is his choice not to get any help for it. Therefore, as with most alcoholics, he is showing he cares more about the booze than your marriage. You can’t change this, no matter how much you beg, plead, cajole, guilt trip, pray...whatever. You have one life, you need to really live it.

I really recommend counselling to work through this, if you can afford it.

You are absolutely not being deceitful, you are being sensible! Maybe speak to a family lawyer and get some advice as to what you would take out of a divorce. It may give you some comfort.

Good luck

Op, my ex partner is an alcoholic and we split after 5 years together. We had toddlers too. I snapped one evening but it took another 3 months for him to leave. I had to find him alternative accommodation, book viewings etc otherwise he didn't do anything. In the end i found him somewhere too good to be true and he left. That was 3 years back and he's still a heavy drinker. All I can add to what others have said is you just can't change these people, they have to do it themselves. I would have thought the loss of our beautiful family, friends, home etc would prompt him to change but he never could. I'm now out of the mess. I have also recently met someone and it's made me really realise that life could be better whereas when I was with my ex, I thought that continuing stress was my life forever.

There is so much to process OP. Dealing with an alcoholic can leave you not knowing which way is up. Another vote here for Al-anon. I couldn't believe it at my first meeting, the first woman who spoke literally told my story, but without the shame and confusion I felt. Immediately I was not alone. My XH didn't like me going. I went in secret the first couple of times until I knew I wanted to keep going and had to tell him. Ultimately, it was an indication I was no longer willing to collude with his denial and ultimately enable him to carry on (it took me a while to be honest with myself about that as I had the very best of intentions, as we all do!)

Plan ahead op. Don’t feel guilty. He’s had years to get help, or even help himself. You’ve been driven to this.

How are you doing today? Have you been able to contact Al Anon?

@Asterion no not yet. I've looked on their website though. This has all just hit me really hard today and I haven't felt like talking to anyone. I have been really subdued and quiet.

There is no immediate rush. I have a few time issues. The first being that I don't want to unsettle my kids at uni. They are in their last year and have already struggled with covid restrictions.

Secondly I have a very old dog and I don't want to subject her to a flight (I am overseas atvthe moment) unless absolutely necessary. She's in her last stages 😢 unfortunately.

This probably sounds like procrastination. It's really not (at least I hope not). I now have a timeline for leaving which even 24 hours ago I hadn't seriously contemplated.

I am seeing this as a process. First to get some counselling, seek help from Al Anon and to start squirreling some emergency funds. And then to start to think of potential places to live! I can't even believe I'm thinking that!

I have started to search for a suitable counsellor.

I have become so inured to my situation that it has become normal to have a husband who is under the influence of alcohol most (if not all) the time.

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I am taking all your words onboard and I honestly feel like I have woken up. I don't want to live with this feeling of dread anymore. I will come back and update when I am a bit further along.

You sound like you’ve made such a big step coming to this realisation and I imagine you’re reeling. I think at first, we make small adjustments, know it’s not right, but it nevertheless resets to the new normal. Then something happens and we repeat that process all over again until one day the realisation hits us of how far down the road we went and how much of life’s slack we have taken up to accommodate the alcoholism. It’s exhausting.

I’m so glad you are going ahead with counselling and Alanon. It can be really overwhelming but so positive to talk to people who really, deeply understand the way you’ve been living.

Stay strong and we’ll be here whenever you want some moral support.

You are doing well OP. One of the things I learned about through my separation from my XH is how to be stop being hard on myself and to take my time about things. Not everything can or needs to be fixed right this minute, but after living for so long with the unpredictability of alcoholism you get used to feeling like it does because you are constantly on high alert.
It sounds like you are thinking of the best ways to start looking after your own needs which is brilliant.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to get support, find yourself a stable base in terms of your mental state to work from and getting to a position that is as good as it can be for something like this. This gives you time to work on what you need to do - it's called detaching with love.

You've had a lot to take in over the past week - now take the time you need to process it. Just try not to do it alone, though we all know reaching out is hard.