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Original poster

Why do people do this?

30 replies

Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 12:35

Last year I met a guy through friends . He was messaging via social media . We had a few coffees and he seemed like a nice guy . It escalated a bit and he bought me chocolates to my house and we went for a date . We slept together and kept meeting up . He wanted to ‘take it slow’( and other non committal nonsense). I thought it may go somewhere. In the end he let me down for a meet up and I just told him to get stuffed.

Looking back , this was a causal relationship and he had no feelings for me .
He text me out of the blue saying he was sorry that he just treated me casually as he knew I wanted a relationship. He said he took advantage of me.He texts me every week or so, I usually just blank it and give it zero thought. Sometimes he texts me rubbish like ‘you are beautiful and special to me’.

He seems to really enjoy that he hurt me and he has admitted he is a manipulative person. He seems to really enjoy down playing what we had saying he’s not been on a date in years and he would love to meet someone. He’s said what we had was not official and a bit of fun .
I’ve blocked him now . Is he a narcissist ? I’m so angry I have indulged this person .

OP posts:
Jpark1 · 11/10/2020 12:38

Not sure about narcissist.
Definitley a prick!

username501 · 11/10/2020 12:42

Narcissism is such an overused term that it's now devoid of all meaning.

He sounds like an immature piece of crap that you handled very well. You've acted with dignity and you're ignoring him which is all you can do here. I think you should feel really proud of how you have handled this.

His behaviour is not reflection on you. You weren't to know that he was manipulative and playing some sick cat and mouse game. Now you do, perhaps it's a good idea to block him on everything and do your best to move on.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/10/2020 12:47

He got what he wanted. You didn't get what you wanted. So it wasn't him that played it badly, it was you. You can't control other people but you can take more control of your own actions and decisions.

Here's the reality. The vast majority of men initially just want sex. Some will grow into wanting more with you and some never will. If you also just want sex then that's great and absolutely fine too. However, if you are looking for a serious relationship then don't go into new ones with rose-tinted spectacles on and if you get hurt by finding out it was just about sex for them then perhaps wait until you've got a better sense of who they really are and what they really want before you get intimate. Anyone can buy you chocolates, pay you compliments and portray themselves as the person they think you want. Don't assume it means much.

Original poster
Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 12:58

@TooTrueToBeGood
Doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable though does it ?

OP posts:
Dery · 11/10/2020 13:02

I think you've handled this well. He treated you carelessly. You let him know you weren't going to be messed around and you ended it. If his texts annoy you (and they would annoy me), just block him. Don't give him any more headspace. He had his chance and he blew it.

Also - don't waste your time wondering why a man whom you are seeing is behaving in a certain way. When my mum, my sister and I all found ourselves single and dating in the late 1990s, we very quickly learnt not to bother asking why a man wasn't making himself as available to us as we would have liked and we very quickly learnt not to offer each other optimistic explanations for it. Whatever the details, the bottom line is either - he's just not that into you or he's not free to date. And in neither case is he any use to you. By the way, we all went on to meet and settle down with life partners.

You showed great boundaries. Chalk this one up to experience. Take the useful lessons from it - one being, as PP said, bringing you chocolates really doesn't mean anything. In the end, the only way you can know whether someone is reliable and a suitable partner for you is to see how the relationship unfolds over time. He let you down. You ended it. Now block him and get him out of your head entirely and draw a line under the whole episode.

redvest · 11/10/2020 13:05

for goodness sake, block his number, and block him everywhere. why on earth leave any channel open for communication? He is a prick

Dery · 11/10/2020 13:10

Sorry, OP - completely missed that you have blocked him.

Don't be angry - I think you showed great boundaries around this. You let him know you wouldn't be treated carelessly and told him to sling his hook.

As to whether or not his behaviour is acceptable, I think @TooTrueToBeGood is just sharing a piece of information which is very useful to bear in mind. Women are as capable as men of enjoying sex for sex's sake but in the end, if you are concerned about being used for sex, the safest way to avoid that is to wait for a considerable period (I would say we're probably talking 2-3 months, maybe 10-15 dates) before sleeping with a partner. No judgment here, btw: I slept with my now H on our second date and I have had one night stands. But the bottom line is that only time will show whether someone is really committed to you.

Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 13:13

I think he is a narcissist. So he continues to txt you for what reason?

I wouldn’t respond to any kind of communication ever again OP.

Whitehorsewaves · 11/10/2020 13:18

Doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable though does it ?

To him it does. He tried out the relationship and didn't want to take it further. You tried out the relationship and had different expectations.

He owed you the common courtesy of not standing you up and you did the right thing ending it there, but there is no obligation on him to continue the relationship if he doesn't want to.

You've done the right thing blocking him now. Sounds like he just wanted a FWB situation.

Take things more slowly next time if you are looking for a relationship. If you just want sex then go in with your eyes wide open.

Whitehorsewaves · 11/10/2020 13:20

Labelling him as a narcissist on such little information is completely ludicrous Confused

Original poster
Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 13:29

Whitehorsewaves

He says he loves to manipulate people . He broke up him and his ex girlfriends relationship to get with her . He admitted me lowered he self esteem to kept her .He called me old , he called me ugly / fat but they were disguised as ‘jokes’.

He sets up situations that he know will fail to watch the fall out.

He claims he is good looking and will definitely meet someone, despite not having much to offer.

I asked a question by the way . Is he a narcissist? I didn’t say he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 13:30

@Whitehorsewaves
Also he did want to continue the ‘relationship ‘not me . HE wanted to keep in contact with me . I told him to get stuffed .

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 11/10/2020 13:37

Narcissist or not he is 100 percent an assist.

Who knows if he is a narcissist but this whole calling you old, fat, ugly etc is a definite 'oh you'd like to fuck? Here's a map to yourself'

What a wanker, enjoy the bullet dodged

Namechanged1122 · 11/10/2020 13:37

Sounds like a twat. By the way his name doesn't begin with D does it? (From Leeds) only (half) joking. I'm in a similar ish situation and I've got myself completely involved. OP I started my own thread about my situation, best advice I received is to know your worth. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and give you the time and commitment you deserve. Please done waste time on this idiot, I have received the same "jokes" it makes me sad to think there are more like him out there.

Try to ignore him from now on, block him. It's hard I know

Laserbird16 · 11/10/2020 13:37

Oh FFS asshat!

MiddlesexGirl · 11/10/2020 13:43

Anyone who calls you ugly or fat should be binned immediately. Those are not words you make jokes with (I guess unless you know the person really really well).

Dery · 11/10/2020 13:50

You’ve shown great boundaries, OP. What I don’t understand is why you’re still giving him headspace. Whatever the label, the bottom line is that he treated you badly. Why spend any more time trying to work out why? No-one’s perfect. Most people are capable of behaving like an arsehole occasionally. He behaved like an arsehole. You ended it.

Original poster
Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 14:10

Thanks all for the messages. I will not analyse this anymore and just move on :).

OP posts:
Whitehorsewaves · 11/10/2020 14:14

I was actually referring to the speculation of others posters on whether he was narcissistic. You have more information on his behaviour (you didn't mention the name calling in your OP btw which now changes the replies you will get).

Forget labels it serves no purpose. He's an arsehole. Block him and move on.

You've shown you have strong boundaries. Don't waste your time on the fallacy of fairness that people should behave a certain way. Reality is people are never really held accountable for their actions so will behave how they please, the only power you have is decide whether it's acceptable to you or not.

Feel sorry for his next partner who doesn't have the same boundaries and chalk it up to experience.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/10/2020 14:22

[quote Alonely1]@TooTrueToBeGood
Doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable though does it ?[/quote]
No, but the point I was trying to make is that you can't control other peoples behaviour or their personalities. What you can control is you.

I'm sorry you got hurt, it's never nice and undeserved, but rather than focusing all your attention on him why not reflect on yourself? Not to find fault or take the blame but to perhaps learn some lessons that might reduce the chances of you getting hurt in the future.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/10/2020 14:23

[quote Alonely1]@Whitehorsewaves
Also he did want to continue the ‘relationship ‘not me . HE wanted to keep in contact with me . I told him to get stuffed .[/quote]
Good for you. He clearly just wanted to keep using and manipulating you.

happinessischocolate · 11/10/2020 15:15

@Alonely1

Thanks all for the messages. I will not analyse this anymore and just move on :).
Good for you.

Men like him just like to see how badly they can treat someone before they get called out and then enjoy the challenge of trying to get that person back again.

Bin and move on.

A good tip I was given was rename them in your head, just think of a completely random different name and if/when you think of them use that name. This has bonus points of, if you bump into them again in a years time you will either call them the wrong name or have forgotten it completely 😁

LilyWater · 11/10/2020 15:23

A lot of men are like this but they can only use you with your consent. You need to take responsibility for not stopping it early on and sleeping with him when he was treating you casually and with no respect.

Original poster
Alonely1 · 11/10/2020 15:36

@LilyWater
Hello, yes I was very naive . I’ve certainly learnt a lesson from all this.

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 11/10/2020 15:36

@Alonely1
I don't think there's any harm analysing it (as long as it doesn't become your favourite subject).
It's a good lesson to learn about human behaviour and now you'll be more aware of this in the future.
As the old saying goes 'never judge anyone by your own standards and feelings.'

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