How important is chemistry?

[sharonJJ55]

Would you carrying on seeing someone who ticked most of the boxes (kind, attentive, consistent, good job, wants a serious relationship) but who you just don't fancy? I've been OLD for years and he's the first eligible man that ticks most of the boxes & doesn't play games but I'm not feeling the physical side of things at all because from my perspective there is no chemistry?

Personally no. I’ve been OLD for 6 months or so and met several perfectly nice people where there was no chemistry and am glad I called it quits as it meant I have now met someone I do have that chemistry with.

If there's no chemistry, there's no long term prospects, imo. It's not even compatible with a fwb scenario. It's a friendship.

Met a man, didn't fancy him. I kept it going for far far too long because he ticked boxes, and naively thought he'd grow on me. WRONG!

7 years (yes 7 years) later, I still did not fancy him, I didn't really like him either!

Chemistry is VERY important!

There are lots of people you can have a spark with, and it isn't always there on a first date. If we rely on 'chemistry' as the main indicator, we are also likely to be following our old patterns and choosing men who are reactivating old wounds - trying to right the wrongs of the past by being 'chosen' this time.

I'm not saying keep on seeing someone who repulses you, or who bores you to tears. But if you enjoy their company and can imagine enjoying kissing them, keep seeing them even if there's no immediate 'chemistry'.

If they seem a decent person, keep on getting to know them. Kiss them, see how it goes.. Take your time. If there's no spark after 3 dates, it's probably not going to happen - but you'll be surprised how different date 3 can be to date 1.

Even of by date 3 you lnoe you don't want to kiss them (again)

Deal breaker, op. This relationship will never go the distance.

@ChristmasFluff We've been seeing each other 7 weeks. I can't fault him in how he treats me. And when I first met him I was kind of attracted to him but that seems to have gone and now I like him but am not keen on being physical with him because there's no spark for me. I guess I'm dreading going back to square one and wading through all the time wasters on OLD

Have you kissed?

Depends on what drives your chemistry...

If you are only ignited by 'bad boys' or by people who remind you of your abusive ex / parent / friend or by people who are reckless and irresponsible, then maybe you are looking for the wrong kind of chemistry.

If you can see beyond the incomparable hobbies or the wrong kind of ears and find someone deeply fulfilling and loving and thoughtful and caring, I think the chemistry takes care of itself

Don’t keep seeing him. I made this mistake and married someone who was perfect in all other ways but no chemistry. It’s not a good idea. What you have there is a friendship not a relationship, there’s a crucial element missing.

@Palavah yes! We've been dating for 7 weeks and have slept together 3 times
@20bloodypounds I'm not yearning for any bad boy chemistry but I would like to fancy the person I'm seeing and have that desire to kiss, cuddle and sleep with them

I think I've been put off because he's been so full on and keen so soon and literally wants to be cuddling and holding hands all the time that it's out me off and now the chemistry/spark just isn't there

If you're not attracted, you'll end up with "the ick" trying to force it.

Maybe give it a bit longer, but unless some chemistry develops, it's not going to work.

No. In my experience, you can like someone and have fun with them but if you’ve no desire to kiss or touch them then it wont develop. Doesnt matter how good looking they are either.

×I would like to fancy the person I'm seeing and have that desire to kiss, cuddle and sleep with them

I think I've been put off because he's been so full on and keen so soon and literally wants to be cuddling and holding hands all the time that it's put me off*

Well, that's not lack of chemistry, it's basic incompatability.

Just move on.

I think I've been put off because he's been so full on and keen so soon and literally wants to be cuddling and holding hands all the time that it's out me off and now the chemistry/spark just isn't there

Take off the blinders, op. He is love bombing you. Run for the hills.

Nope. Chemistry is very important. I ignored this when younger and married him even thought the deep down niggles were always there and I didn't really fancy him after the initial bit.

Now I'm divorced and with someone who I fancy the arse off and it's just soooo much better! I'd never ever go for anyone who I didn't want in that way again.

Nope.
I have to fancy the person I sleep with

Theres a difference between attraction and a spark as well I think

You only live once so if you can you should go with someone you have chemistry with even if they are poor partners in some other ways. At least you can sort out any disagreements in the bedroom later!

Why are you having sex with a man you don't fancy? I have never did this. I have ended up fancying men I initially didn't see any attraction to though. Like my husband.... I had zero interest in him at first. But I didn't have sex with him until after the attraction built.

I think initial attraction is not that common, not with me anyway. Although I might not be the norm because I've never actually fancied a famous person or anyone I didn't know. For me attraction is in the whole person, it builds and grows. I think your attraction decreasing as you've got to know him better us a worrying sign to be honest.

If you have slept together and it has got worse then it is time to end it.

If he is too full on then I might also get suspicious about love bombing. How old are you both?

I didn’t fancy my now husband when we first met, he did fancy me. We were friends, we met travelling and became close friends. I think it was only when we temporarily went our separate ways that I realised he had grown on me in a romantic way. Nothing had happened between us up until that point, I cant imagine sleeping with somebody I don’t fancy.

I think you have been seeing this man for long enough to know if something is offing to develop, you probably should cut him loose now as you are at risk of wasting his and your own time.

I think some people can, those that view relationships pragmatically vs romantically would be fine without chemistry.

Personally I’ve tried and it just made me resentful and reflect on how different they were from previous partners.

Nope.

Just a bad idea.

[quote sharonJJ55]@ChristmasFluff We've been seeing each other 7 weeks. I can't fault him in how he treats me. And when I first met him I was kind of attracted to him but that seems to have gone and now I like him but am not keen on being physical with him because there's no spark for me. I guess I'm dreading going back to square one and wading through all the time wasters on OLD[/quote]
So do you have sex with him?

It's not fair on yourself or him to have sex with gritted teeth. It's like being a prostitute not for money but for a nice husband.

No, sorry. It's a pity but no, would be my answer.

Chemistry goes hand in hand with passion. It’s vital. But it does not always happen at the same pace. Sometimes it’s fairly instant, other times it evolves at a slower pace..

@ghostmous3

Nope. I have to fancy the person I sleep with

Theres a difference between attraction and a spark as well I think

Yes, this.

Is there anything that, if you found out about him/ if he did, would make you feel differently about him?

Inagine you finish with him today - fast forward 7 weeks, you're single and you see him out and happy with someone else. How do you feel?