I might have to go back to my abuser

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

It’s the only way that I can thinkto guarantee the safety of our children. Or he’ll get them unsupervised. He’ll discipline them. Just yesterday he dragged my 6 year old by the arm across the room and threw her into the hall. No injuries. So it’s just different parenting styles.

The only way I can control their safety is by taking him back and taking the abuse myself.

No.

It's just a matter of time before he abuses them and them watching him abuse you will leave them fucked up for life. You need to see a solicitor and start the legal ball rolling re contact. Don't do this to your kids. Maybe ring SS and get them involved if you can't trust yourself not to take him back.

The police said it’s just parenting differences. It isn’t an offence. Why should I have to wait till he does something awful. They’re already nervous wrecks.

No. None of you are safe if you go back.

Could you secretly film him whilst he is around the children? Don't go back. You need to see a solicitor. Explain how he is abusing you and mistreating the children.

I was just going to say the same thing. Is it safe to film him secretly? So sorry you and your children have this in your lives.

Police. Now. He has assaulted your daughter. Get out. Right away and take your children wih you.

I'm so sorry.

Would it be possible to move right away? No contact, no forwarding address.

If a police officer tells you dragging a six year old by the a and throwing her into the hallway is just a different parenting strategy, speak to a different police officer. It isn't just another parenting strategy, it's abuse.

What's the situation with visits and living arrangements atm

No, no, no! Absolutely not.

Just yesterday he dragged my 6 year old by the arm across the room and threw her into the hall

How on earth can you justify this? This isn't good parenting, this is child abuse. And if you go back you are enabling him.

For goodness sake - get out! Please, go to the police, or Women's Aid - please don't go back to him.

Please report again with help of an IDVA.

I’ve had police round tonight. It’s all ongoing.

They’ll do nothing about it. she previously told them that he twisted her arm. But as there’s no injuries, it’s just different parenting and they can’t do a thing.

I have applied for legal aid. But I’m not confident I’ll win and eventually he’ll have them unsupervised. Just like he keeps telling me. And how he’ll take them to Florida for two weeks. And he’ll have them round his parents. Blah blah blah. His dad wanted to pay someone to rape my DHs ex wife.

I hate them all. I feel trapped and completely hopeless tonight.

OP, please contact Womens Aid, they can help with this, they know that this is a real difficulty for abused women.❤

You need the support of Women's Aid. Your police are very wrong.

Please call woman's aid

Police. Immediately. Now. If his dad is willing to pay another to rape another woman?

Police. The pair need to be stopped. They are very, VERY bad men.

I’m worn womens aid. I do the freedom programme. They’ve offered counselling. That’s it.

Im with women’s aid that should say

Police. Now.

OP Women's Aid won't just offer counselling. They can give you advice on what is currently happening and tell you your options.

One of your options is to stop all contact and let him take you to court for access.

How on earth does moving back in with him stop him abusing them? He'll abuse them whether you are all living together or not.

You have already been given advice on supervised access, none of which you've taken on board evidently.

You were also advised to take evidence which would include journaling the event and taking photos of the injuries if any. The police said that him dragging one of your children was 'different parenting' last time, if I remember correctly, so I can only assume you haven't got the police involved this time. So report him again if you haven't already.

You can find out if you are eligible for legal aid here.

Get back in contact with Women's Aid about this latest incident. STOP all contact with him OP - you need to protect your children.

Hi OP I’m so sorry.

How old are the children? Once they get to a certain age the court takes into account what they want. My siblings are 11 and 8 and said they no longer wish to see my step dad and that was taken into account- although a lot of other factors played a huge part in the final decision. Do you have a court order in place for contact? My Mum stopped all contact and although it was breaking the court order social services said she did the right thing as she was safe guarding them and she didn’t get into trouble. If there is no court order in place I would stop him seeing them until it goes to court.

My step dad was awarded 4 hours supervised contact once a month once it went back to court.

The absolute worst thing you could do is take away their safe haven. You can't keep them safe from him by moving him back in. If you could stop him abusing them, you cod stop him abusing you. But you can't, only he can stop himself from abusing his family. All you can do is leave and then do your damnedest to make sure be has them as little as possible. If you go back, all you're doing is taking away the safe home they have with you and throwing them into his power 24/7.

Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. As others have said as soon as they're old enough to have a say in court (which can be as early as pre teens) they can make the choice not to see him any more. And as their parent you can fight in court for him to have the minimum custody possible. It's not brilliant, but the alternative is that they get to live with him permanently, walking on eggshells, ever more aware that he is violent and abusive to their mother and she is powerless to stop him.

How can we help you @damnthisvirusandmarriage?

Lots of people here (sadly) who have experience who can advise

I just need to know that he won’t ever have them unsupervised I know he will though.

Police have been informed about latest incidents. He’s being interviewed tomorrow.

He loves round the corner and constantly tells me that I’m an embarrassment to myself and kids and he’ll get his own way eventually. That I’m doing things wrong. That I think I’m god.

I can’t stop contact. I’ve done it today and just had so many texts. Now an email suggesting his sister step in to help. His sister, FFS. Told her so many times about the abuse. She did fuck all except ask me to think about what I did to deserve it.

I’ve made a complaint this evening to IOPC and to my local force head of complaints or whatever it’s called.

And the thing with womens aid is that they rife you advice. But it isn’t practical. They don’t tell you I’d the consequences of their advice will have adverse repercussions at a later date.

I want to cry.

And we are locked down locally here. So weekends are long and lonely. And I’m due on. So probably experiencing a week of weakness. I’ll snap out of it next few days.