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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not interested in sex is he ?

41 replies

Foghornleghorn99 · 09/10/2020 23:22

Married 15 years. 'D'H doesn't really seem that interested in sex with me:
I initiate sex 99% of the time - on the v rare occasions it used to happen
I have to buy the condoms
He has erection issues recently and only told me v reluctantly after I forced him to and he had a few beers
I brought him viagra, he's made all the excuses under the sun not to take it.
He either says he's ill or had too many beers most nights
He comes to bed a lot later than me every night
I try to discuss sex issues, he acts like a teenager and gets embarrassed

I totally give up. He clearly has no interest in sex with me, I'm a bit of a dirty cow and will do whatever he likes in bed but still he is not bothered. If he was interested he would have brought the viagra himself online. He said he didn't want to take the viagra in the week as he didn't know the side effects for work (at home) the next day, he said he would take it at the weekend ... tonight he says he's ill and that I brought it without his consent .. yet we've agreed he would try it if I brought it as he is too embarrassed.

Should I just give up and accept he doesn't want sex with me?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/10/2020 23:26

What was he like when you first met? When did he go off it?

Original poster
Foghornleghorn99 · 09/10/2020 23:30

Tbh sex has always been a lower priority for him than me, but the last few years its non existant. I feel like its excuse after excuse. We are working at home together all day every day, the kids are at school and still he doesn't seem interested.

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 09/10/2020 23:35

Too much interest on one part, kills it for the other person. It becomes a chore or an obligation.

I suggest start doing interesting stuff/hobbies away from him, do not include him, probably not feeling pestered by sex may make him, little by little, more interested in trying again.

Lineofconcepcion · 09/10/2020 23:35

Trade him in for a new one . . .

Samedaysameshit · 09/10/2020 23:37

OMG this is the definition of sexual coercion.
I wonder if I should force my wife to take drugs so she will have sex with me?
Hmmm...
Maybe not!
Geez you need to read that back and have a word with yourself. In a dark corner.
You sound like a bully and he sounds terrified.

BubblyBarbara · 09/10/2020 23:38

Like I would also say to a woman moaning that his DW isn’t having sex, he is totally free to make his own decision regarding sex but so are you. If you benefit from this marriage and can tolerate his decision, see your vows out. If the marriage is poor or you simply can’t live with this, you need to bring it to a close.

BubblyBarbara · 09/10/2020 23:39

To a man even, oops.

Original poster
Foghornleghorn99 · 09/10/2020 23:41

@Samedaysameshit we agreed together he would try viagra, there was no forcing him. He said as long as I brought it (he was too embarrassed) he would try it .. now he is back tracking. If he doesn't want sex he only has to say. And as for bullying him - can't say he feels bullied when the man has hit me before and dragged me along by my hair. But that's a whole different thread.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2020 23:48

Well that’s quite the drip feed!

Why you are pursuing an abusive man fit sex is beyond me.

Samedaysameshit · 09/10/2020 23:49

Just knock it on the head and move on.
Nothing worth saving here

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2020 23:53

You want to have sex with someone who’s hit you? Why?

feministfemme · 09/10/2020 23:53

"knock it on the head" is maybe not the best terminology after OP's update ... 😬

OP, do you want to be with him? Are you acknowledging your own emotions in relation to being abused?

category12 · 10/10/2020 00:04

Um, if he's hit and dragged you by the hair, then you would be better leaving him.

It may be that withholding sex is a deliberate tactic in his arsenal in an abusive relationship.

Heffalooomia · 10/10/2020 00:22

Sounds like he just has a very low sex drive ☹️
very tough but it's a compatibility issue isn't ☹️
There is no mutually acceptable compromise ☹️

Heffalooomia · 10/10/2020 00:24

X posted, sorry I didn't realise the man was a perpetrator of domestic violence, this makes it a very different issue

HollowTalk · 10/10/2020 00:26

[quote Foghornleghorn99]@Samedaysameshit we agreed together he would try viagra, there was no forcing him. He said as long as I brought it (he was too embarrassed) he would try it .. now he is back tracking. If he doesn't want sex he only has to say. And as for bullying him - can't say he feels bullied when the man has hit me before and dragged me along by my hair. But that's a whole different thread.[/quote]
Why on earth do you want sex with a man like that?

widespreadpanic · 10/10/2020 00:35

Um I think the lac of sex is the least of your problems.

How can you even stand for this man to touch you after he’s hit you?? I’d be so turned off that he wouldn’t have to worry about me bugging him for sex. As a matter of fact we wouldn’t be living together anymore.

MrsBrunch · 10/10/2020 14:12

Is withholding sex part of the pattern of abuse or are you just not compatible do you think?

sicklyparmaviolet · 10/10/2020 14:27

I'm not sure I'd consider withholding sex abusive as I think people have the right to decide if they'd like sex or not. But I agree that withholding love or affection is abusive, as is obviously the physical abuse OP mentioned.

username501 · 10/10/2020 14:40

OP he knows you enjoy sex so he's withholding it from you. It's textbook abusive behaviour. If you didn't like sex, he'd be forcing you into it. It's another weapon in his arsenal to grind your self esteem into the ground.

Next time he hits you or tries to drag you by your hair, dial 999 and have him arrested. Here's the National Helpline: 0808 2000 247

Requinblanc · 10/10/2020 14:45

I was going to post this:

''He is no longer interested and does not want to do anything about it.
At this point unless you can cope with a partner who is just a friend/co-parent you will need to move on to a new relationship.''

Then I read the bit about him hitting you. Frankly what are you still doing with this man? get rid of him.

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 14:51

@username501
"OP he knows you enjoy sex so he's withholding it from you."

I agree whole-heartedly that the rest of his behaviour is majorly shitty and abusive, and this MAY be an example of his abuse, but I also don't think anyone is owed sex. Maybe he's apathetic to sex, or maybe he's feeling uncomfortable with the viagra, I don't think withholding sex is abusive though (unless it's a clear tactic of withholding love, but sex and love are not the same thing).

"If you didn't like sex, he'd be forcing you into it."
I don't think that's something you can prove to be true. He could have a slew of sexual issues that mean he doesn't want to have sex - the fact that he doesn't want to have sex and has been physically abusive could be two completely separate issues. Though of course OP, his behaviour is completely unacceptable and I'm very sorry you were abused, I hope you're able to access the help you deserve. x

username501 · 10/10/2020 14:59

@feministfemme I agree that no one is owed sex. I suggest you read up on patterns of abusive behaviour especially that around sex.

Withholding sex and affection are common tactics of abusers.

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 15:07

@username501
I guess I see it as if he had made his intentions clear- e.g. "I'm not having sex with you because I hate you / you did x / you don't deserve it" then it would clearly be a method of control and an abuse tactic. But it's not clear what his reasons for not wanting sex are- maybe he feels too pressured or has sexual issues.

I guess if the situations were reversed and I didn't want sex but my partner kept buying me pills to increase my libido and "forcing" me to tell them why I didn't want sex (OP used that word herself), I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable and pressured. Though of course, I would never be physically abusive.

Obviously the physical abuse is completely unacceptable and OP needs to escape that situation, but I don't think we should assume he's restricting sex as a method of abuse. I also don't think some of OP's choices were particularly acceptable, but no action warrants abuse of any kind.

I guess for me, I just wouldn't want it to be labelled as abusive if I said "not tonight, I'm a bit upset over this argument we just had" as an unrelated example.