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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not interested in sex is he ?

41 replies

Foghornleghorn99 · 09/10/2020 23:22

Married 15 years. 'D'H doesn't really seem that interested in sex with me:
I initiate sex 99% of the time - on the v rare occasions it used to happen
I have to buy the condoms
He has erection issues recently and only told me v reluctantly after I forced him to and he had a few beers
I brought him viagra, he's made all the excuses under the sun not to take it.
He either says he's ill or had too many beers most nights
He comes to bed a lot later than me every night
I try to discuss sex issues, he acts like a teenager and gets embarrassed

I totally give up. He clearly has no interest in sex with me, I'm a bit of a dirty cow and will do whatever he likes in bed but still he is not bothered. If he was interested he would have brought the viagra himself online. He said he didn't want to take the viagra in the week as he didn't know the side effects for work (at home) the next day, he said he would take it at the weekend ... tonight he says he's ill and that I brought it without his consent .. yet we've agreed he would try it if I brought it as he is too embarrassed.

Should I just give up and accept he doesn't want sex with me?

OP posts:
username501 · 10/10/2020 15:10

@ feministfemme You're seeing it as two separate issues and you obviously haven't bothered to read up on it.

We don't have two separate issues here, we have one and his behaviour is tied up with being abusive.

My answer would be very, very different if he wasn't hitting the OP and dragging her around by her hair.

And to make it clear - No one is entitled to sex.

Anordinarymum · 10/10/2020 15:10

If he wanted to have sex with you he would have had it by now. He does not want to, and you are making it ten times worse by constantly trying.

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 15:20

@username501

Withholding sex as an act of control or abuse IS abusive. But also he might just not want to have sex. If he's not insinuating it's her fault or that she's done something wrong to not have sex, or using sex as a method of control (which she nor he have stated has happened) then it could just be he isn't interested in sex.

There are clearly other horrendous elements to this relationship, and given that neither of them seem to be happy it might be healthier if they separated, but I don't think rejecting sex is necessarily abuse. His physical abuse is terrible and she should be doing whatever she can to escape it, I'm just suggesting that the blanket idea that withholding sex is abusive is not that fair honestly. Nor is it fair to assume he'd be raping her if she didn't enjoy sex. That's all, that's my opinion.

He can be abusive without necessarily utilising every category of abuse.

username501 · 10/10/2020 15:30

@feministfemme You're right. He could be physically and emotionally abusive but just not be into sex. It's highly unlikely because, like I said, it's textbook abusive to sexually control by withdrawing sex. It's used as a punishment and to humiliate. However, anything is possible when you think about it, isn't it.

Gilda152 · 10/10/2020 15:35

Why do you fancy someone who hits you? Leave him. But if you don't he absolutely has the right not to have sex with you, ever.

feministfemme · 10/10/2020 15:36

@username501
"Tbh sex has always been a lower priority for him than me,".

This to me suggests he may genuinely not be interested in sex. As I've said, abuse of any kind is unacceptable but I don't think it's fair to assume this specific part is abusive. Him being violent and her pressuring him for sex are both unacceptable in my book (but that's just my personal opinion.) I'm advocating for her to leave as well.

Maze76 · 10/10/2020 20:52

He’s lost his libido- it happens.

Skyla2005 · 11/10/2020 13:10

You can’t force him to have sex with you. It’s not there and it won’t change. Either accept it or leave him. Maybe he doesn’t fancy you anymore try and find out if his watching porn that will show you if the desire is still there

Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 13:37

To answer your question OP no your husband doesn’t seem interested in sex. It must not be nice for you OP if your husband doesn’t want to have sex he should speak to you about it.

15 years of marriage and the posters saying OP can’t force him to have sex... true but if OP had an affair she would get slandered like there was no tomorrow.

Sit down with your H and speak to him before using the viagra.

feministfemme · 11/10/2020 18:17

@lillysnotroses To be totally fair though, forcing him to have sex and having an affair are not the only options.

SoulofanAggron · 11/10/2020 18:25

can't say he feels bullied when the man has hit me before and dragged me along by my hair.

This should be an ex-husband. There are lots of sound men out there who would be interested in shagging you. xxx

And yes, witholding sex can be a thing they do, but either way he's abusive.

Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 21:12

[quote feministfemme]@lillysnotroses To be totally fair though, forcing him to have sex and having an affair are not the only options.[/quote]
I didn’t advise OP to have sex. Re read what I wrote.

Also if he doesn’t want to have sex that’s his choice but he shouldn’t be forcing that on OP either he at least owes to his wife to give her a reason.

feministfemme · 11/10/2020 21:21

@Lillysnotroses
I'm not saying that you said they should have sex, I'm just saying in regards to you and PPs that those aren't the only options.

As for not giving her a reason; "He has erection issues recently." "He either says he's ill or had too many beers most nights".

Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 21:36

I’m aware of what OP said. I think it’s you and OPs DH that is not been fair.

15 years of marriage is a long time. So you think those lame excuses are good enough? It’s bullshit and you know it he can’t even be honest with his wife Confused

I can understand the erection part but he needs to want to try to improve this. I personally wouldn’t put it with it.

You have cherry picked my post did you not read the part where I said OP should talk to her husband again OP has TRIED!!

Like your saying you cannot force people so maybe OP should leave him or face the reality that she won’t be having sex anymore.

feministfemme · 11/10/2020 22:32

@Lillysnotroses If he had said anything along the lines of "I'm not attracted to you anymore" or "I don't enjoy having sex with you" this would be a new thread with him still getting bashed though (this is NOT me negating his physical abuse, which is horrendous and demonstrates him to be a truly shitty person, I'm just focusing in on this part as it's a recurrent part of these threads).

I'm not saying this is these are the causes of why he doesn't want sex, but he may well be protecting her feelings in this case as sex is often something that hits close to home. I agree maybe she should leave him or face the reality she won't be having sex anymore. I 100% agree with you there.

ReneeRol · 12/10/2020 09:12

There's nothing more offputting than someone constantly pestering you for sex. There's no point in suggesting anything because when you didn't get the answers you wanted, you claimed he was an abuser. That's very manipulative. You're not looking for answers.

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