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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would someone do this?

36 replies

PositiveLife · 09/10/2020 22:49

I have a friend (who is also an ex), let's call him Bob.

Bob is fit and active, does lots of activities with various people, good at meeting new people.

Bob has told me he is ill, his condition is getting worse, it will eventually kill him and he is running out of time to do the activities he enjoys. When Bob comes round he loses his balance on the stairs, sometimes falls over in my house, etc. All supposedly symptoms of his condition and getting worse.

Yet he spends multiple days a week doing all his activities and nobody else has noticed him being dizzy. This evening he walked towards me to say hi and wobbled as he walked (nobody was near by) but he didn't ever do it again all evening. I mentioned it to another friend tonight and he said Bob's never mentioned it to him or been dizzy around him.

I think he's faking it, but why? I don't see any point. I'm not really giving him any sympathy because I don't actually believe he's ill. So I don't see what he gains from it Confused

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 09/10/2020 22:52

He's an ex? Maybe Wobbly Bobbly wants a few sympathy shags with you?

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/10/2020 23:01

Wobbly Bobbly Grin

Maybe he's lining you up to be his carer with benefits

Tilly566 · 09/10/2020 23:06

Have you any other reason to suspect he's lying?

jmh740 · 09/10/2020 23:09

What has he sad his condition is?

ginandgingers92 · 09/10/2020 23:10

Wobbly Bobbly-
I just snorted and woke up my baby 😂

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/10/2020 23:12

Perhaps he is hoping to tempt you back via pity OP. It''s quite the red flag. He needs help with his mental health from those he doesn't have an agenda with (aka not you) if he is faking an illness and if I were you I would steer well clear.

I actually do have a serious chronic illness that causes these symptoms and many others and it will ultimately reduce my lifespan too. It's true that there are good days and bad days (or hours even) and I can pretend to be well to a point in certain company for a period of time if I force myself. I also look entirely 'normal' and if I'm able to get out of bed and do hair and makeup look the same as I ever did to be honest, albeit much slimmer due to muscle loss from being bedridden so frequently (which ironically often has people saying I look great) but the limitations stay roughly the same physically. The older I get the worse it gets and the less I can do at any point in the week. I am not able to drive as it would be unsafe and would never wish to as I wouldn't trust my body. All illnesses are different of course but I would be certainly seeking out a lot more information on what it is he claims to have and why he is only telling you and only 'showing symptoms' around you. Presumably he is not legally safe to drive if he is as he says he is?

What does he allege is ailing him?

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 09/10/2020 23:13

Presumably he doesn't think you would doubt him. Tell him the thing that you most love about whoever you are with now is how determined he is to become a tightrope Walker as you have always found balancing attractive,

CandyLeBonBon · 09/10/2020 23:26

@TwentyViginti

He's an ex? Maybe Wobbly Bobbly wants a few sympathy shags with you?
Wouldn't that make him 'Nobby Bobby'?
Original poster
PositiveLife · 09/10/2020 23:32

@jmh740

What has he sad his condition is?
Trying not to be identifying, but basically it's an issue with his neck. He's said it also needs surgery but they won't see him until after covid.
OP posts:
Original poster
PositiveLife · 09/10/2020 23:36

I think I would expect that he'd need more time to recover. e.g. He went dizzy and fell over at mine, then spent 2 full days doing an activity with another friend (which required a 2 hour drive and could have had very serious consequences for the other friend if he'd passed out)

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2020 23:39

Offer to help him a bit. Can you go to his house, offer to help him organise his stuff so it’s easier to manage and say something like ‘where do you keep all your medical stuff? Let’s get it together and make some lists in case you’re taken unwell suddenly’.

I suspect he’ll have you out that door before you can say ‘Wobbly Bobbly wants some Nobbly’

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 09/10/2020 23:45

My first thought: He’s after a sympathy shag

Second thought: That's one hell of a long con. Would someone really do that?

Third thought: Sadly yes, it’s possible

What is his personality like? Is he the type to enjoy duping people? Is it possible he really is ill and you’re the only one who has noticed?

Catsup · 09/10/2020 23:49

Maybe he's recently rewatched 'There's something about Mary', and is channeling Tucker. Please do drop your keys in front of him if he produces some crutches.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 09/10/2020 23:52

“and he is running out of time to do the activities he enjoys.”

If that’s a direct quote, that’s the bit that makes it sound like a con. Something about him focusing on not being able to do activities he enjoys. Surely you’d be worried about all movement, not just those you enjoy.

Original poster
PositiveLife · 10/10/2020 00:01

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

My first thought: He’s after a sympathy shag

Second thought: That's one hell of a long con. Would someone really do that?

Third thought: Sadly yes, it’s possible

What is his personality like? Is he the type to enjoy duping people? Is it possible he really is ill and you’re the only one who has noticed?

He likes drama and getting attention.

I just can't believe that nobody else would be able to spend time with him and not notice. In many cases they're spending full days with him. If it was pain, I'd maybe think he was just doing a really good job of hiding it so as not to worry them or put them off doing things but you can't just hide dizziness and falling over.

And I think that's what I find even more confusing, if it's made up then why not say its pain or something that is easy to hide Hmm. It's started to feel like it's some sort of weird game that he's playing with me.

OP posts:
Catsup · 10/10/2020 00:17

To be fair I had an ex who was a massive hypochondriac and liked to plead he was very ill. Especially on days he couldn't be arsed to go to work, attend a planned activity he didn't fancy, had to pull his thumb out of his arse and help clean 🙄. He used to proclaim he was most definately 100% 'very ill'. In the end I finally demanded he went to the GPs where after full blood works, tests. It showed surprise, surprise fuck all wrong! He even used to manage to squeeze out some tears alongside the wobbly sick voice some days. He'd then accuse me of not being sympathetic when I rolled my eyes and left him to it. Definate attention seeking!

widespreadpanic · 10/10/2020 00:53

@TwentyViginti

He's an ex? Maybe Wobbly Bobbly wants a few sympathy shags with you?
😭😭😭@ wobbly bobbly!!!

I had an ex that told me he was dying of a brain tumor and had less than 18 months to live. I was dating someone else during that time and wondered why he contacted me out of the blue. Well he wanted to garner sympathy so he could ask me for money he promised to pay back. When I asked for the money back he got ticked off and cursed me out. Never heard from him again. A few years later I google him and he’s still alive and kicking. All I could do was laugh cause I fell for his act.

So maybe he is faking maybe not. But don’t lend him any money if he asks lol

OldAndWornOut · 10/10/2020 00:57

Munchausen syndrome?

Nicolastuffedone · 10/10/2020 07:34

Oh, it’s his neck alright.......it’s brass

BrimFullOfAsher · 10/10/2020 07:41

What neck condition can have a surgical intervention, will eventually kill you and makes you dizzy and fall over? I'm at a loss here for one that is plausible and ticks all boxes.

What activities does he do? Can you accompany him on one, with the other people, and see how it affects him then?

Original poster
PositiveLife · 10/10/2020 09:22

@BrimFullOfAsher

What neck condition can have a surgical intervention, will eventually kill you and makes you dizzy and fall over? I'm at a loss here for one that is plausible and ticks all boxes.

What activities does he do? Can you accompany him on one, with the other people, and see how it affects him then?

Saw him yesterday, no sign of dizziness (except the slight stumble when he came to say hi). That's what has happened to make me wonder why he's doing it cos it almost seemed deliberate
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 10/10/2020 09:36

Bob is fit and active, does lots of activities with various people,

Yet he spends multiple days a week doing all his activities and nobody else has noticed him being dizzy.

Funny that... so this illness only really affects him when he visits yours OP. So I'd recommend he doesn't visit you again, for his own well being of course. 🌺

waitrosetrollydolly · 10/10/2020 09:43

What a twonk he is. He's trying to play you. Depending on if you value his friendship or not put up with it or call him out on it. Offer to go to the neurologist with him, ask when his driving licence will be revoked etc etc . Personally I'd tell him he's a twonk and to jog on.

SoulofanAggron · 10/10/2020 09:43

I'm not really giving him any sympathy because I don't actually believe he's ill. So I don't see what he gains from it

He's a narc who wants your attention/emotional response. Well done for not being easy to manipulate or fool.

My ex lied and said he'd been told he only has a few years to live. It's only after I dumped him that I realized it was a lie (he does have an illness but they'd never be told that, as they can live an indefinite amount of time.)

PriceEmUp · 10/10/2020 09:47

No advice, just following.

Except maybe ask for proof? No harm in saying “no one else has noticed and it doesn’t seem believable I’m sure you wouldn’t lie but let’s go see your doctor together ya great big fuckin weirdo”