I don't fancy my friend but want him to fancy me

[abbie43]

I have a male friend. A few years ago we were both single at the same time and there was some flirting but neither of us took it further, from my side because I thought that in the long term we would be completely unsuitable as a couple. Anyway he started dating someone and it was quite serious for a while. Watching their relationship develop confirmed to me that I'd done the right thing by not trying to be more than friends with him. We are both now single again. I'm not interested in being any more than friends with him, but ... I want him to fancy me. It's a self-esteem thing isn't it? I guess I just want the ego boost of being seen as dateable. Has anyone else been in this position or got any wise words about how to get over it. I actually feel quite horrible wishing an unrequited crush on a friend.

It sounds like you're after an ego boost OP.

Yes, been there done that.

You don’t want him but you want him to want you.

It’s most definitely an ego boost.

I think it might be a sign that you are ready to start dating other people.

Definitely a self esteem thing but the irony is I don't think you'd feel too great if he fancied you only for you to reject him.

weirdest thing Ive read on here yet OP, and cruel to boot. 🌺

Needless to say this is destructive behaviour. Is it that you seek validation from men and subconsciously want to feel like you're in a safe environment to do so as opposed to strutting your stuff on the dance floor and getting validation from random guys?

Yep this is not healthy at all.

Can you change your thought process so you sort of turn the source of your self esteem boost being you yourself, not him?
Because wanting him to fancy you when you’re not interested is pretty shitty.

But you don’t have feelings for him, what difference does it make? I agree, it’s cruel too.

This is very strange and would suggest you don’t have a friendship (Which implies mutual respect and wishing the best for each other) with him but see him as a tool to boost your self esteem. A very unattractive quality which I hope for his sake he sees.

It's not a genuine friendship.

You're being cruel.

You need therapy - I don't say that snarkily, it's just not healthy to want someone to want you knowing you don't want them. That means you crave power over someone.

The way you feel currently is toxic and cruel and unfair on your 'friend'.

I actually feel quite horrible wishing an unrequited crush on a friend.

Well good, at least you recognise that.

Can you change your thought process so you sort of turn the source of your self esteem boost being you yourself, not him?

Honestly I don't think that sort of thing ever works. After years of low self esteem I think the way to get better is to do stuff. Do stuff for others, do the stuff you always wanted to but never got round to, do stuff you find hard or scary.

You can't just positive-think your way to self respect and trying to paper the cracks with the attention of others never works long term.

OP, is your friend nice? Good, see him as a person. Do something nice for him. Be please he likes you- there must be reasons.

I don't it's 'cruel'. Because it's only a thought not an action. You presumably haven't acted on this or harmed him, that would be cruel.

I think you're after validation and a lift.
Same way loads of people post on Instagram for likes. People wants others to see them as desirable, to gain their approval, to validate them, to make them feel good about themselves.
Is that cruel? No Is it healthy? Also No

@ZebraSpotts

Because it's only a thought not an action. You presumably haven't acted on this or harmed him, that would be cruel.

That is an important point. It's okay to have irrational thoughts and feelings, acting upon them is something else entirely.

I’ve had this a couple of times op, though it’s taken your post for it to really hit me. Thank you for articulating it.

FWIW I don’t think it’s about the other person at all. I think it’s just about wanting to feel attractive. I always felt like the ugly friend as a teen - my friends seemed (on the outside at least) to be relishing in their more grown-up bodies, were at ease with sexual encounters, knew how to flirt, new how to look good and developed a sense of style. They seemed to enjoy growing up. I just felt out of my depth, under-prepared, unattractive and overwhelmed. So I never really believed that boys/blokes/men would find me attractive, so it was harmless to want them to do so. If that makes any sense at all.

So yes I think it’s about validation and low self esteem. And I think it’s less about wanting this particular guy to want you, but more about feeling that you could be wanted full stop.

Wow, you are pretty F**ked up! Who needs enemies with friends like you!

I would see it as a warning that you are currently looking outward for validation, as others have said. The most consistent peace comes from internal validation. ( Look up locus of evaluation). Look for ways to increase that. Counselling, volunteering, female friendships and relationships all helped me much more than being desired by a man (and I've been where you are, I get it)

Nasty.

What will you actually get from him fancying you except an awkward conversation and possibly the loss of a friendship?

I think some PPs have been unnecessarily harsh but I remain baffled by why someone you don't fancy fancying you makes you feel better about anything...

OP,

You obviously have self awareness OP.

You are human and would like your ego stroked, but in reality it would be just complicated.
You don't need this.
Take the friendship.
Move on and focus on new connections.
👍

I think it’s one thing to want people to fancy you. But to want your mate to even though you habe no desire for him isn’t healthy, it’s a bit disturbing actually. I’m not sure you’re his friend to be honest. Not by my definition of friendship.

Whatever the issue is, it’s obviously about you and not him.

I think it’s one thing to want people to fancy you. But to want your mate to even though you habe no desire for him isn’t healthy, it’s a bit disturbing actually. I’m not sure you’re his friend to be honest. Not by my definition of friendship.

Whatever the issue is, it’s obviously about you and not him.

Wow, you are pretty Fked up! Who needs enemies with friends like you!

You two should never ever become Therapists!

It's self esteem issues OP. I have been there too. More than I would like to count. Being dragged up by immoral abusive men made me really really want the approval of all male friends growing up.

That's seriously wrong OP and you know it, OK let's go with it and let's say you "make" him fancy you, he then makes a move...what then? Crushing his hopes and make him feel like an sleazy perve? Don't play stupid games. Find something else to boost your esteem.

I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want this? It’s bad enough being fancied by someone who you’re not interested in, let alone when that person is a friend, adding more complications into the mix, including the possibility of him getting hurt or the friendship ending. Think of the awkwardness it would create.

Isn’t this known as a cock tease?
And not terribly nice.