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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Your thoughts...

29 replies

Belle124 · 09/10/2020 10:45

We had an argue, I got upset and shouted at him, he left the room and told me that I’m not going to talk to him like that and he will “smash my teeth down to my throat next time”. I shouted back that he is abusive and so was he 🙈 He then apologised but blamed me on driving him crazy. I don’t know what to think. I know that he wouldn’t do anything like that but the fact I’m being spoken to like that it’s crazy for me! We’re both educated people, how did we get here?!

OP posts:
pog100 · 09/10/2020 10:47

You can't put up with threats like that. It's a very unhealthy dynamic. I think it's a sign it's time to split.

anonnnnni · 09/10/2020 10:48

I think you’re asking the wrong question.

The question is: how do you leave this toxic arrangement?

ilikemethewayiam · 09/10/2020 11:11

So a man threatens to smash your teeth down your throat, blames YOU for it and you don’t know what to think? Your education levels are irrelevant. Wife’s and girlfriends of judges, diplomats, professors etc, end up in refuges! Respect is the most important factor in any relationship. Even in the height of anger if you respect someone it will stop you from even thinking about harming them physically or emotionally. I know because I’ve been very angry at my partner, my children and my friends at one point or another in my life and never have I resorted to threatening them. I would have to be emotionally unstable for that to enter my head let alone come out of my mouth.

Are you married? Do you have kids together? If not, do the intelligent thing and walk away now. If not you will be back here in 5, 10 years with kids asking for advice on how to safely get away from your abusive DH. If you haven’t read any of the threads on here from women who have tried to do that and are living in fear or having to co-parent with an abuser please do so. That’s what you are in for if you don’t leave now,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2020 11:14

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and cut across all classes and creeds. The fact that he is educated makes no odds at all really.

And no you did not drive him crazy, that is an excuse and that abusive people use on their target. The responsibility for his actions lie solely with him. You did not drive him to doing this. This is all on him and you ultimately need to leave him permanently.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2020 11:16

His apology to you is meaningless and there will be a next time. You may well have already tried to modify some aspects of your own behaviours so as to try and not set him off. This man is volatile and remains so.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2020 11:19

What’s your situation OP? Can you leave safely tonight?

Take some time apart so you have space to process this. But know that it’s not a normal healthy way to communicate and that plenty of well off educated people are still abusive towards their partners.

I’m sorry this has happened

ReneeRol · 09/10/2020 11:22

Abusers abuse. This is just the start, he will escalate to doing what he threatens. Run now. Block him. No contact. Don't give him the opportunity to make good on his threats because if you stay with him, he will.

No ifs, buts, no excuses. Leave.

SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 11:22

but blamed me on driving him crazy

This is what abusers say. He is dangerous, please finish with him.

user128472578267 · 09/10/2020 11:23

I agree, the only important question is what do you need in order to leave?

widespreadpanic · 09/10/2020 13:37

A man that threatens to smash my teeth down my throat would not get a second chance. I’d be done with him even if he didn’t mean it. What a disgusting thing to say and it would turn me right off of him. I don’t understand your indecisiveness at all.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 09/10/2020 14:09

I doubt that he is so weak that sb can make him do sth he doen't want to do. It is just a blame shifting exercise.
Leave him he isn't worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 14:15

We’re both educated people, how did we get here?!

That's a very good question, but the only thing that matters now is that you leave. He is threatening you with violence and blaming you for his abusive behaviour. There's only one way this is headed, and that's to get far, far worse.

Original poster
Belle124 · 09/10/2020 14:21

There are number of question why I’m staying with him and so the answer is that we’re together 2 years, living with each other and it was the first time that he ever said something like that! Obviously I’m going to be in shock....

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 14:31

There are number of question why I’m staying with him...

None of those reasons outweigh the need for you to leave. His mask has slipped and now you've seen who you're really living with.

Dontletitbeyou · 09/10/2020 14:47

2 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things .
Abusers don’t start off at level 10, they start off by verbally abusing / threatening you before it turns physical . It will very likely get worse but it will be over time so you don’t notice . I’d tell any friend or relative in your situation to get out of the relationship, right now .
What kind of man speaks to his DP like that , an abusive arsehole that’s what .

ilikemethewayiam · 09/10/2020 14:49

@Aquamarine1029

There are number of question why I’m staying with him...

None of those reasons outweigh the need for you to leave. His mask has slipped and now you've seen who you're really living with.

Agree! It could be 6 months or 10 years before it slips, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it has and now it’s off. You now know the real him. Pretending you didn’t see it means living in denial. It will come back to bite you sooner or later.
sallievp · 09/10/2020 14:51

Please don't plan a baby with him! What a vile bully! Wonder if he has ever said this to his boss / colleagues when cross? Thought not.

AdaColeman · 09/10/2020 14:53

You've been together two years.....that's the end of your honeymoon period. He feels secure enough now to show you who he really is. The verbal threats are just the first step, he will soon start to escalate things.

Do you have children together? You need a plan to get away from him, often abusers become violent when they fear their victim is escaping, so be cautious in your planning. Hopefully you will get away before he can harm you.

When you say that you know he wouldn't do any thing like that, of course he is depending on that belief to keep you there. He is testing you to see your reaction, and he actually would do something like that.

Graphista · 09/10/2020 15:34

Pp is right, biochemically this is immediately after the honeymoon period when people are on their best behaviour.

Personally I think 2 years is too soon to be living with someone - largely because of the above!

You don't really know someone until you've seen how they are when things are really not going at all well for them. Be that illness, stress at work, stress in the relationship... whatever.

It's actually I think better to wait to move in AFTER you've seen the best behaviour mask slip at least a few times so you know how they respond to stress. This is as true for men to be aware of as women by the way because women aren't perfect either.

For you op, you are at a point you can easily leave, you're not committed to this man in any meaningful way.

Do you have financial entanglements at all? I hope not. They can be dealt with anyway.

This is how he is behaving BEFORE you are truly committed to/trapped by him.

And yes, abusers do NOT start with a hit! Or even a slammed door or throwing something, they start by undermining you, undermining your sense of what's acceptable behaviour and by making you feel at least partly responsible.

This is a blessing in disguise op as at least you've been given good warning, it's now on you to act.

mummyof2lou · 09/10/2020 23:52

Imagine having children with this man, and him threatening your children like this. I think you know what you need to do...

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2020 23:58

I would leave my husband the second he said that to me.

It’s disgusting.

If you don’t have children it’s easy. If you do it’s harder but still better than staying.

MosesRoses · 10/10/2020 08:08

2 years is not long enough to consider staying for. For a threat like that to be possibly forgiven needs at least a history of 20 years of good behaviour.

Original poster
Belle124 · 05/11/2020 19:12

Any advice on how to leave him the if we live and work together and I have no family or any support?

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 06/11/2020 10:08

Oh dear the mask sure slipped, didn't it. Contact Women's Aid and Refuge OP. They are professionals who deal with stuff like this all the time and they can talk through what happened with you and give you advice on how to leave safely. They will also be ale to advise you in relation to working with him. Good luck Flowers

Opentooffers · 06/11/2020 10:57

He lost it, so did you. Just because you are both educated, doesn't mean you are good communicators, I know some highly intelligent people with appalling communication skills.
You need to get to the root of why you are arguing. Too much time together being a factor I'd guess, living and working together can be tough. Could there be some big resentment underlaying, you need to calmly put all your cards on the table to stop this escalating, but only if you both want to work at this. Otherwise throw in the towel.

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