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Original poster

Would you be able to handle this?

43 replies

Indianafrankie · 09/10/2020 10:42

I know that this is something that ultimately I will only be able to answer myself but just looking for an outsiders perspective. Would you be able to be in a relationship with a man who can never give compliments, say he loves you, engage in emotional conversation? Been dating for just over a year - both have 2 children, he says he shows it in other ways - helping out etc but that that’s just how he is / always has been and always will be, I thought I could live with this as we are all different and express ourselves in different ways but am slowly finding myself becoming emotionally detached from him, thanks

OP posts:
ComicePear · 09/10/2020 10:45

Well, at least he's been honest with you and not making false promises to improve!

Words matter to me, so I would struggle with this. As you say it's a very personal thing.

ClaryFairchild · 09/10/2020 10:46

No, I couldn't live with that. Words AND actions are both important, and I couldn't have just one.

category12 · 09/10/2020 10:47

Nope.

I need emotional connection and would expect a partner to be able to say and show how he feels. Pretty words on their own are not enough, helping me practically on its own is not enough.

I want a blend of the two, thank you very much, just as I would give.

anonnnnni · 09/10/2020 10:47

No, I would feel short changed and resentful with someone like that.

Lightlysieved · 09/10/2020 10:52

Trust me ACTIONS are far more important than frothy words any day of the week!

flyingant · 09/10/2020 10:58

You should read The 5 Love Languages. It's all about the different ways people give and receive love and how how to get along with them.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/10/2020 10:58

Actions are more important than words, of course.

But in a nutshell? I would think a man who can't find it in himself to say 'You look nice' or 'I love you'... but can find the inclination to pontificate about how he shows it all in other ways blah blah - was just a bit of a twat.

And I've no time for twats.

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 09/10/2020 11:07

Thanks, I guess a mixture of what you’re all saying is how I feel right now. Maybe we’re just not compatible and neither is wrong, I’m quite an expressive person and starting to feel a bit silly when I say I love you and it just hangs in the air with silence, especially when he has said he doesn’t want me to change being like that but he just can’t, I guess maybe the lack of compromise is what it is.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2020 11:11

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

re your comment:-

"Would you be able to be in a relationship with a man who can never give compliments, say he loves you, engage in emotional conversation?"

No.

He is who he is and when someone tells you who they are it pays to listen. He will not change.

Sacredspace · 09/10/2020 11:12

I think he has deeper issues of trust, vulnerability etc. It doesn’t sound like he has any intention to change. I was (am) married to a man like him. Over the years there has been psychological/emotional abuse and neglect too. Although he has increased practical help in recent years, for many years a lot was left to me. Certainly the mental load. I didn’t realise how badly I needed to hear ‘I love you’ etc until I became friends and gradually more with someone who was very romantic and open with his feelings. Unfortunately, it was all words and very little action! I thought he was the other end of the spectrum to my husband, but he was psychologically abusive and manipulative too!

Original poster
Indianafrankie · 09/10/2020 11:19

Yes you are absolutely right, he won’t change but I guess why should he? I can’t just change myself either so maybe there’s my answer.

OP posts:
BrowncoatWaffles · 09/10/2020 11:25

It wouldn't work for me. I'm sure there are people who would be ok in that kind of relationship because they have compatible love languages or whatever, but I know it would leave me feeling rubbish after a while.

That's not your fault, or his really. It's just an incompatibility.

Anordinarymum · 09/10/2020 11:26

It sounds like a friendship only to me OP

Misskittycat16 · 09/10/2020 11:26

I second reading The Five Love Languages. Game changer

SixesAndEights · 09/10/2020 11:27

No, I couldn't. Whilst my ex husband was full of I Love Yous, it was all words and no deeds, but I'd find the opposite pretty soul destroying.

ChronicallyCurious · 09/10/2020 11:33

No I would rather be in a relationship with a man who both tells me and shows me.

Mintjulia · 09/10/2020 11:33

No, I don't think so.

How hard is it to say "you look nice" or say "Hi gorgeous" when you come through the door in the evening? You aren't asking him to write poetry or declare undying love in public. A basic discreet show of affection is not too much to ask.

ravenmum · 09/10/2020 11:38

My bf is rather like this; I do get appreciative comments about my figure or that he fancies me, but no love talk. I avoid the issue of it being one-sided by not saying it either :) but that doesn't feel unnatural, as none of my family have ever said "I love you". I did enjoy it when I had a bf who was much more vocal, and did it back, but it doesn't feel like something I absolutely need. My exh used to make me feel a bit rubbish about not being very romantic, so maybe it is even nice not to have that pressure.

After the super-vocal bf, I did notice the lack of love talk and wonder if I wanted more - but this bf really does act lovingly, and doesn't have to point it out for me to notice it. Things like making sure I get home safely, being concerned if I'm ill, cooking meals he knows I like, grabbing me if I look like I'm about to walk in front of a car :)
Your bf says he expresses his love in actions, but does it feel like that?

awesomeaircraft · 09/10/2020 11:47

No. I would start resenting my partner, losing confidence in myself. I need the emotional connection. Also, what is the point of a relationship without the relating bit?

ravenmum · 09/10/2020 11:50

Funny, as I feel a lot more of an emotional connection with the bf who doesn't say "love" than with my exh who called me the "love of his life". (Ugh, I hate that phrase now Grin).

crimsonlake · 09/10/2020 11:56

You are asking yourself and others the question so clearly it is a big issue for you.
If he does not express his emotions verbally, can he demonstrate them physically?
Is he affectionate, does he cuddle and kiss you?
I was dating a man who could do neither for a short time and he also said he demonstrated his love in his actions. I constantly questioned if I could be with him long term. The answer was no.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2020 11:59

XP was like this. His 'love language' was acts of service, but he physically could NOT hug me, kiss me, compliment me or, indeed, treat me as a partner who wasn't his mother.

We were together for eight years but we are now just friends. It was AWFUL. He'd walk six feet ahead of me everywhere we went, never have a conversation about anything that wasn't pure superficiality and had no idea what to say when I was upset. It erodes your sense of self, in the end, and I was pretty self-contained to start with!

TartanSlippers · 09/10/2020 12:01

@Indianafrankie

Thanks, I guess a mixture of what you’re all saying is how I feel right now. Maybe we’re just not compatible and neither is wrong, I’m quite an expressive person and starting to feel a bit silly when I say I love you and it just hangs in the air with silence, especially when he has said he doesn’t want me to change being like that but he just can’t, I guess maybe the lack of compromise is what it is.
Has he said why he can't?

Is he able to talk about how he feels in other ways?

category12 · 09/10/2020 12:02

I’m quite an expressive person and starting to feel a bit silly when I say I love you and it just hangs in the air with silence, especially when he has said he doesn’t want me to change being like that but he just can’t

That seems like a bit of a power play on his part to me - or possibly an "out" so he can turn round and say "I never lied to you".

If he's unable/unwilling to meet your emotional needs, then all the DIY in the world isn't going to make this thing work.

curiouslypacific · 09/10/2020 12:09

Why exactly 'can't' he say these things? Unless he's mute, I'd say it's actually the case he doesn't want to, rather than an inability to.

I mean if you say to him 'I feel loved when you tell me I look nice' and he says 'I can't possibly do that' you have to ask why the fuck not? what is it actually costing him to say you look good?

I get if he says 'sorry it doesn't come naturally to me but I'll try to tell you more'. Great, practice makes perfect etc. An outright 'no' though is just a 'I don't care enough about your feelings to extend even the slightest amount of effort'. It's not fundamentally changing who he is, it's just doing something nice. He may never be mr super emotionally open, but he can still give you simple compliments and say nice things.

For example I don't like hot drinks. It doesn't stop me making DH a cup of tea when I think he might want one. I probably won't go on any coffee tasting trips with him, but I can at least compromise and make him the odd cuppa in bed. Facetious example perhaps, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.