Would you be able to handle this?

[Indianafrankie]

I know that this is something that ultimately I will only be able to answer myself but just looking for an outsiders perspective. Would you be able to be in a relationship with a man who can never give compliments, say he loves you, engage in emotional conversation? Been dating for just over a year - both have 2 children, he says he shows it in other ways - helping out etc but that that’s just how he is / always has been and always will be, I thought I could live with this as we are all different and express ourselves in different ways but am slowly finding myself becoming emotionally detached from him, thanks

No. You just aren’t suited.
Even if it’s not his ‘love language’, it common decency to say I love you back! Not just sit in silence...

My ex was a lot like this. He would never say I love you first but he would say it back if I did. Still it would’ve been nice to hear it first. He never complimented on anything - how I looked, on anything I did well, nothing. On top of that he wasn’t affectionate outside of sex. We did have a decent emotional connection which is prob why i stayed as long as I did.

At first I thought maybe that’s just how he is but with his daughter and his dogs he easily could be verbally and physically with them. Not saying he shouldn’t be but it made no sense that he could extend that to me. So I took it as he didn’t “love me like he loved them”. Eventually it ate away at me and our relationship deteriorated.

I'd rather someone shows me they love me by their actions, than say it, but not treat me very well and be a useless partner.

If you don't perceive his actions as a sign of love, then that's another story....but it really is how you perceive it.

For me, I could be fine without compliments and words...if I feel secure in how I look and in what I do.

I don't necessarily need compliments when I know I'm on point, be that with looks, or in my cooking for example....however, I can imagine that over a period of time, it can affect a lot of people and make them feel unloved and erode their self confidence.

This man is all wrong for you. You will never get what you need from him and the distance and resentment you feel will only grow. Cut your loses and end it. Enough of your time has been wasted already.

especially when he has said he doesn’t want me to change being like that but he just can’t

This may be as a result of his previous relationships or the way he was brought up.

How his parents related to each other and how they did to him.

He may not understand why he can't bring himself to compliment or say he loves you, but there will be a reason deep down.

feel a bit silly when I say I love you and it just hangs in the air with silence

I'm sorry, that's not being undemonstrative, that's making a shitty point.

He honestly can't possibly bring himself to say 'You too'? You're not even asking him to be effusive back. To even acknowledge what you've said, to even be polite, would be a start?

Quite the drama queen eh.

Look, he's either utterly hung up on being Mr Big Strong Silent Type (eek sorry no you just look like a knob) or he likes that silence - he likes seeing you put yourself out there, cling to him, and him give nothing back. Makes him feel the big I am.

Ditch him.

Thank you so much all of you for your thoughts, they definitely help and are very thought provoking. It’s not all bad of course not or I guess I wouldn’t be in it at all however parts of it are definitely staring to make me question the future now. An example of the things that really don’t sit right with me is I could message him saying - had a good day today etc etc and then I could say something emotional and all I get back is - glad you had a good day. His way of looking at it is some things don’t need to be said and if he doesn’t respond to an issue then I just need to take it as no there isn’t one. I need to interpret his responses basically. When he is with me he will put his arm round me or touch me on the arm when we’re taking, he will cuddle me and show affection - but in public - no. One part of me is screaming red flags galore, the other is trying to just grasp that we are all different.

It’s not all bad of course not or I guess I wouldn’t be in it at all however parts of it are definitely staring to make me question the future now.

It's only been a year and you are already questioning your future with him. Why would you waste more time on him?

You’re right, I guess because a lot of this has made me question myself and my own judgement.

Another recommendation for the five love languages. It changed my entire life, even at work, surprisingly

I often brushed off things I didn't like about my exh as "everyone is different, I should be more tolerant".
Much nicer to be with someone you do actually understand and empathise with. As I say, my bf is also a bit squeamish about the L word, but he can read my mood as if by magic - I don't need to open my mouth - and is excellent at cheering me up. Would be great if he suddenly professed his undying love too, but he has enough strongly positive points that I feel good about him without that.

You’re right, I guess because a lot of this has made me question myself and my own judgement.

I really don't think you need to be questioning your judgment, it's simply a matter of you and your boyfriend not being emotionally suited for each other. That's not a poor reflection on you or him, you're just different.

No, I would feel like he didn't really care about me. I wouldn't carry on with someone like this. Your detachment will probably turn into resentment, don't you think that you deserve more love than this?

I tried to convince myself that everyone is different and I should accept him for the way he was but it was a struggle.

So it’s not a matter of judgment as they aren’t really red flags either , it’s just every one is shows their love differently. My ex would fix my car, or help me out around the house, and maybe he was showing he loved me but it just didn’t hit those love needs that I had.

He doesn’t satisfy that need in you and if you stay you may become resentful as I did.

We may all be different, but that doesn't mean you should accept less than you need in a relationship.

Sometimes you're just not compatible.

It would be a form of self-harm to twist yourself into a pretzel for his sake and deny and sacrifice your emotional needs.

Please note he's not making any such efforts to become what he isn't for you. He won't even try.

@widespreadpanic

I tried to convince myself that everyone is different and I should accept him for the way he was but it was a struggle.

So it’s not a matter of judgment as they aren’t really red flags either , it’s just every one is shows their love differently. My ex would fix my car, or help me out around the house, and maybe he was showing he loved me but it just didn’t hit those love needs that I had.

He doesn’t satisfy that need in you and if you stay you may become resentful as I did.

That was just it with my XP.

His way of 'showing he loved me' was to put oil in my car or blow up my tyres. Fine, lovely, but I could pay someone to do that (or do it myself). I couldn't pay someone to hug me, kiss me or be affectionate to me.

There’s not being demonstrative with words, and then there’s being an utter arse by being deliberately dismissive and outright ignoring you when you express your needs and feelings, especially when in public.

Your other half is the latter. He is using small acts like this to drive home his dominance over you, and in doing so he reinforces humiliation and subservience every time. He is telling you that his preferences for how to approach things are more important than your needs. He makes you sit and wonder what things mean; you’ve said yourself that you have to interpret his meaning because he won’t just tell you. He is gradually, yet persistently, wearing you down.

Bin him. This will only get worse.

Yes I think this sums up exactly how I feel, wish I could understand why he feels the need to do this and have this ‘control’