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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Toxic mother-in-law

35 replies

Lovemyma · 09/10/2020 07:05

We have always had a bad relationship with my in-laws. Even before we got married, even before in met my mother in law, she used to send me messages pretending she is worried about my husband's well-being and saying that he has to take pills. Even before my husband and I met she was a very abusive mother. Everything points to a narcissist disorder. Finally 5 years ago we decided to cut off all contact with them. For years now she follows me and the kids around and she uses every oportunity to insult me and recently she started talking to the kids, and they are scared of her. For the past 5 years she has been sending emails filled with insults, adressed to me, my husband, my sister, my mother and even my grandmother (all of these relatives of mine live abroad). My father-in-law is practically invisible, she controls everything. We have made it clear we dont want any contact with them and in spite of that every day she comes to the playground and she talks to my children and upsets everyone. Last year she walked into the park where my husband and I were sitting while the kids were playing and she started yelling at him "Can't you see how she manipulates you?" I try to ignore her because of the children or pretend that i am making a video pointing my phone at her, i have told her to go away and she says "This is public space". But these are my children and without my consent she can't talk to them, I dont know what to do anymore so she stops following the children around, they are scared of her and i dont want that person near my children. We have reported her twice but it hasn't made much effect. I appreciate your insight and advice.

OP posts:
DawnMumsnet · 09/10/2020 09:42

Hi OP, we're going to move your thread over to our Relationships topic as we think that's a better place for it.

Hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along shortly with some advice and support.

JellyNo15 · 09/10/2020 10:04

I really think you need to employ the services of a solicitor.

Parmavioletmum · 09/10/2020 11:32

Can you get a non molestation order? You can fill it and file it to the court directly. Then when granted a copy has to be served on her either by a bailiff (at your cost) or a 3rd party who is willing to sign an affidavits. Then once its been served you give a copy to the police too and then they will be forced to act if she breaches it.

Lovemyma · 09/10/2020 21:22

Thank you for your replies, any kind of support and advice is much appreciated since this abuse has made me feel completely alone since I don't have a support system here, all my family lives abroad. We have reported her twice but this act brought us nothing. She is a liar and a manipulator, but she hides it well in front of others, she is very smooth-tongued. But the thing is he situation escalares yesterday, she came to the park and she started talking to my baby daughter as if I am not there and I asked her to go away, to which she replied "This is public space" I grabbed my child and we got away from her, and she followed us into the playground, my reacción was to point my phone at her so she goes away, usually stops insulting or goes away because she thinks I am recording her. And she left, I called my husband immediately and he got very angry because this goes on and on. He went to his parents house to talk to his father, yeti again yelling him this has to stop. But his father is literally his mother's lapdog. He obviously didn't stop her and about an hour later police knocks on our door telling my husband that his mother called them saying that he was not in his right mind and she was afraid that he would hurt his children. For me, although I have to say I am not surprised (because she is a psycho) has gone way over the limit. The police left right away, they didnt even get an ID number because they received a call that "the grandmother" had calles from a different address, not from our home, so they un a way "aborted the mission". Today I went to talk to the police on this matter and they told me there is very little i could do if there is no evidence of physical attack or death threats.

OP posts:
hypochondriacseveywhere · 09/10/2020 21:27

Could you go to a different park? Keep recording every little thing she does. Change numbers, email addresses and I'd probably come of social media.

PunishmentSnart · 10/10/2020 10:13

How did she know you were in the park?

Why don’t you record her, then you will have evidence

Diverseduvet · 10/10/2020 10:16

Move areas?

forrestgreen · 10/10/2020 10:20

I would actually record her
Get everyone to block her email address.
Get evidence
Ask police for a copy of the report from yesterday
Go see a solicitor

Porridgeoat · 10/10/2020 10:22

What does she say? What are her insults? Emails? Messages?

What does she say to the kids?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2020 10:28

I would employ the services of a Solicitor here and obtain a non molestation order.

Its no point whatsoever in your H going to see his parents because his father is his wife's secondary abuser and her enabler.

Shizzlestix · 10/10/2020 12:52

You need to move, get a non mol order with powers of arrest and get away from her. Stop going to the same park!

Tappering · 10/10/2020 13:21

I'd move and change phone numbers. Stay off social media.

Lovemyma · 10/10/2020 13:38

@hypochondriacseveywhere

Could you go to a different park? Keep recording every little thing she does. Change numbers, email addresses and I'd probably come of social media.
Thank you for your reply. We live in the same town as my in-laws. It's a small town and they live in the "upscale part" and we live in the "ghetto" part. According to my H never before in her life did she walk through the "poor" part of town, and now we see her often here. There is really just one large playground area in town where I take my kids after school to play with their friends and I think it's unfair to them to miss out on socialising with their friends because of this woman.
OP posts:
Lovemyma · 10/10/2020 13:45

Good afternoon to everyone and thank you for your comments and advice. We live in the same town as my in-laws. I have insisted on the option of moving away to my H many times, and he says that he know her well and it wouldn't make much difference, his parents are quite well off and she would come after us regardless of our location. There is maybe some hope into moving abroad. We are looking at options.

OP posts:
Lovemyma · 10/10/2020 14:01

My H doesn't like the idea of moving away and running away because we have been here for quite some time and we formed friendships and ties in this town, people know us here and know we are not what she makes us out to be, she says we are horrible parents, she has bashed me for speaking my native language to my son, she has told my parents behind my back that I don't fit in her country and they should take me back home to my home country. My H says that if we move away where no one knows us she will follow and talk to everyone and spread her stories about us as she has done in the past (To illustrate, before I met my husband she used to call up his workplace to tell them he is suicidal or has to be on therapy, and cr*p like that).

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 10/10/2020 14:12

How will she know where you’ve gone if you move away?

Inaseagull · 10/10/2020 14:49

Abusing you for your race is a hate crime and should be taken seriously by the police. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/

Can you get copies of the correspondence to your parents? Maybe go to your local CAB for advice.

username501 · 10/10/2020 14:57

OP this is classed as domestic abuse. I advise you to contact your local domestic abuse organisation for help and support. Contact 101 and explain the situation to the police. You need to start building a log of evidence. Download the Brightsky app and record her on audio and video.

Organise a file of behaviour and keep it in chronological order. Download and print off texts and emails. Keep any abusive phone messages.

Your husband needs to make it clear to her that she is to have no contact with you or the children. He needs to email the message to her so there is clear evidence.

Block her on all phones/email and social media for the whole family.

Lovemyma · 10/10/2020 16:32

@Dollyrocket

How will she know where you’ve gone if you move away?
Well, if we move away to a different town, it would have to be close to my H workplace, and she knows where he works, she could just follow him, because she has a lot of time and apparently nothing else to do. Also the town where we live is quite small, she could ask around. In short, she would find out eventually and repeat the same behaviour patterns, follow us, insult us...
OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 10/10/2020 18:34

What does she say to the kids?

FlapsInTheWind · 10/10/2020 19:20

If you are not prepared to move continent I think you need to go down the legal route and start recording. Collecting documentary evidence of the abuse and get a court order. Push the racial aspects as that might get you the most leverage. Once the police have had a few run ins with her she will go quiet I imagine. You have to start somewhere but I would be looking at moving to Australia I think!

GarlicMonkey · 10/10/2020 19:21

The police don't take stalking seriously. That's why organisations such as Paladin exist, to force them to act. Google 'Paladin' & ask them to help. They were really good when I was having problems with an ex boyfriend a few years ago.

Lovemyma · 10/10/2020 22:26

To the people that ask what she says to us and the children. She only recently began saying hello to the kids. She usually waves and always makes dramatic gestures. She says I am your grandmother, i love you very much, if I am talking to someone, she barges in and starts explaining that she is their grandma but we don't let her see them. I do not think that saying hello is bad. What is crazy is acting like a victim in public, which she is very skilled at and simultaneously emailing us insulting us saying we are both monsters and crazy in the head, advising my H to seek medical help urgently. She says that by not having a relationship with them, we have condemned our children to poverty (her way of bragging she is rich I guess), that they (the grandpas) could offer them a much better life. Just a few months ago she walked in a fenced off, crowded playground, I was sitting on a bench with my husband and our baby daughter while my son was playing with his school friends, and the park was full of parents of my son's classmates and we saw her circling the playground, entering and she came up to us and started yelling at my husband "Can't you see that she manipulates you?". Two years ago I was walking around with my newborn in the backpack and she startled me appearing from behind and saying in a low voice: Where is your husband? How do you know he is not with another woman? Just random idiotic stuff like that. My husband is at the end of his tether.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 10/10/2020 22:33

She sounds completely unhinged!
Actually record her every time and build ion the evidence to help get her charged, would you tolerate this from a stranger?

FlapsInTheWind · 11/10/2020 08:33

You say that your husband is at the end of his tether and yet he is not prepared to do anything about it or consider moving!

Moving away from them would give you a new lease of life! Digging in is effectively saying he is prepared to put up with this shit!

Move or start actively getting solicitors letters sent to her regarding all the in person harrassment and the emails she has sent to you both and your loved ones. That way you have something you can go to the police with.

I would move though or do a combination of both. As the DC grow she will escalate. That is why moving is the far better option.