Relationship Breakdown (7 years)

[IdontknowhoIam]

Hello,

I'm not even sure how to start this thread but need people to talk to as I don't have anyone in real life and I've been bottling it up for so long.

My current relationship I've been in for 7 years. It started well, moved in together (we moved away from family further down south, they're all up North). Two years completely happy. Third year it started going downhill. We managed to fix things. Eventually the arguments turned into pushing and shoving then a couple of times it moved onto hitting. I was always at fault for this apparently and have "forced him to take action and he was never like this before." (I'm his first real relationship.) A couple of years later from the first shoves and hits, he then (earlier this year, around February) proceeded to hit my arm countless of times causing bruises, smacked me around the head-caused my glasses to fall and slightly cut my eye in the process. Again, I allegedly caused this.
We managed to somehow move past this. But every time I try and raise concerns about issues in the relationship I "push him" and he's "warning me." My partner is always overly concerned about my appearance down to the styles that I wear my hair in and what clothes and constantly badgers me to get a boob job which I don't want.

These aren't the only problems. We don't see our family often (which is why I have no one to talk to) and when we do they've noticed and commented on how irate he seems towards me and the things he says. They've told him to tone it down and leave me alone. My mum has asked me if I was happy-I stupidly said yes because I didn't know what else to say.

Another issue: Lately he's taken away my purse and "gives me money", even though I'm the one who goes out to work constantly everyday whilst he stays at home. I know looking back that I should leave but the problems are financially I'm not sure how to, he does get some income and does pay half the rent and gas. The sad thing is that I do actually love him and long for the happy times that we used to have to come back. He also does the housework whilst I'm out at work. I'm 29 and have no children tying me to him.

We met whilst we were young and are really all each other have actually known. I guess that's partly why I've "normalised" this way of living in my mind and I've never lived on my own before. Everything seems really overwhelming right now. I guess I'm just looking for some advice and a release as I don't have anyone else to get advice from in real life.

I'm sorry that this is so long and thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this..

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, it’s just awful. Please seriously think about leaving him and getting to safety. No one who truly loved you would do this to you. This is not how a healthy relationship should be and his actions are abuse and are NOT your fault!

Would you be able to talk to your mum about what’s really happening? If you’d rather speak to someone else you could speak to Women’s Aid for support.

Oh gosh. So many things wrong here. I won't repeat what you have written. It's horrible to read.

You need to get help, and you need to do it asap. Contact your mum and ask her to help you leave him.

@Welshgal85

Thanks for your reply. I know my mum would want me to open up to her but unfortunately I've never felt close enough to be able to open up. Part of it doesn't seem real and I'm too scared to called Women's Aid. I have tried so many times to talk to him about his behaviour. It's still apparently my fault and that "I'm hormonal". I don't know how much longer that I can realistically put up with this for but do hope for change. It sounds silly but I've had a lot of operations through those 7 years and have dragged him through hell for it and he has looked after me. Has dinner made every night. So I do feel guilty for posting this but like I said I don't know how much more I can take. There would also be so much to sort out, we have a pet together. Who takes what furniture etc.

OP, you've taken the first step by committing your situation to this forum. You know this isn't right - taking your purse is coercive control - what does he say his reasons are? And why doesn't he work?

You are undervaluing yourself. You're young and will find someone who shares your life not drives it. Please stop this now before it goes further. Re-read your post and write down everything so you can see clearly what you already know. X

A partner should support you in a relationship OP, that doesn’t then mean that you owe them some kind of debt and that it allows them to treat you so horribly. What would you say to a friend or family member who was going through this?

I understand that it is scary to think about speaking to someone about this but I think you need to acknowledge that you need some help here. How can things continue? Your partner does not see that there is a problem here but he is wrong, he is the problem not you.

Please remember that you deserve love and happiness, you do not have to put up with being treated so terribly. I know it is daunting thinking about all the changes that may come but just take things one little step at a time x

Thanks for all of your replies. I wasn't expecting so many in such a short space of time.

The reason for taking my purse is that I "spend too much". But I am the sole earner, I work hard in a busy demanding job (key worker, not NHS though) so as far as I can see there's no problem in me spending. We have to apparently save though. For what I'm not exactly sure..
His reason for not working is that he's currently doing a Uni course (I don't want to post too much info in case it's revealing) but he's been doing that for the past 6 years lol. Everyone has said he needs to get a job but he has it cosy so it's fallen on deaf ears.

It's taken a lot of time for me to reach out to here after lurking for so long. My head is swimming with so many thoughts. I've recently been to the doctors who told me that my resting heart rate is too high (95) before starting new medication. I do believe the home situation isn't helping. I told him this and it's like he isn't even listening or helping to counteract it. He shouts at me daily too. God knows what the neighbours must think.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to experience this, and have this utter shit in your life.

He is totally and completely abusive - physically and emotionally. And it will only get worse in time, and with kids in the picture.

Domestic abusers aren't incapable of kind acts. Just like even rapists and murderers do the occasional nice act. So the instances you remember of him being kind, and lovely, are exactly that - a few instances. At his core though, he is rotten, and nothing will ever change. The nice guy front you saw at the start isn't the real him - it was to ease you into comfort and trust him totally. Now he can show his true colours. Even if circumstances changed him, he always had this darkness in him and it would have popped out eventually.

Talk to trusted friends asap, Women's Aid - start thinking about arrangements to leave. Splitting furniture is nothing compared to you needing the police to rescue you in a few years. I don't say that to scare you but to make you aware of the very real danger you find yourself in. As much as you love the pet, don't settle for shared custody of it, as it's another way he will have to control you. And what you need is to get the hell away from him. Cut all contact and never see him again.

You are young and will get through this. But please don't let this man else ruin the rest of your life. Life is too precious to be wasted living in fear and misery. You deserve better. Sending you hugs and love.

I think part of what makes this situation worse is that I'm trained in safeguarding and abuse in my job. The logical part of me knows that it's happening but can't seem to remove myself from the situation.

No, no, no, OP. He is a classic abuser in numerous ways- controlling you as well as emotionally/verbally, physically and financially abusing you.

They all say we push their buttons, are mad or hormonal etc etc. The Freedom Programme would really help you I think, to see more clearly what he's doing for what it is, rather than being swayed by his gaslighting and brainwashing. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You can do the FP online by yourself, also find your local facilitator as some are holding the course via Zoom. Even if you don't have the opportunity to do that, it might be worth haviing a chat to them about what's happening.

Oh there are a few freedom videos up too.

Im so sorry you are going through this, it is absolutely not your fault, you deserve better, he is controlling and absusive and it wont get better , please leave him. Im sure others will be along soon with some good advice, i have heard the freedom program recommended on here before, please confide in someone in real life and phone a womens refuge for advice. You are worth so much more than this, dont let him drag you down, damage your self esteem and make you believe it your fault when its not 💐

Im so sorry you are going through this, it is absolutely not your fault, you deserve better, he is controlling and absusive and it wont get better , please leave him. Im sure others will be along soon with some good advice, i have heard the freedom program recommended on here before, please confide in someone in real life and phone a womens refuge for advice. You are worth so much more than this, dont let him drag you down, damage your self esteem and make you believe it your fault when its not 💐

Thank you everyone.

Your mum is probably worrying about you but needs you to be the first to reach out rather than interfering. This is coercive control. All parents want their children to be happy . Make that call life is too short.

This makes me so sad. My dad abused my mom when I was growing up and just reading your post gave me chills.

He is a controlling abuser. You have to get away from him before something worse happens. If you can go back to your mothers house then you should. He will not ever stop, it will only get progressively worse.

My sister in law is in a relationship that is the same as yours almost down to the smallest detail. She refuses to leave no matter what help is offered, we have actually managed to get her out of the house only for her to go back a couple of weeks later. The abuse in her relationship has gone way beyond where yours is though, if she would just press charges he’d do serious time in jail for some of the horrendous things he’s done.

My whole point is that nothing good will come from you staying to try and make it work. The abuse with my SIL actually started with financial control before anything physical happened, if your at that stage now then you need to leave and go to your family where you’ll be safe, financial control may well just be the beginning of things becoming far worse to the point real harm is done to you. My advice would be to get help from family or anyone that you can trust and leave at the next available time!

Wow he's got the full trifecta of abuse. Emotional, physical and financial. I'm guessing sexual is in there too but you can't bear to speak about it just yet.

You know you have to get out before he seriously hurts you don't you? And you also need another bank account to put your salary in, and to keep it away from him. Make up an excuse if you have to. You pretty much have to get away from him now. Immediately.

You'll need a good plan and some allies. He's not working though, so surely you can kick him out? Talk to the landlord and get him off the lease? You need expert advice based on your situation. Get him out before he tips over into extremely dangerous and for gods sake have somewhere there when you get him out.

Are you okay OP?

I lived with someone rather like this— started off great and then gradually stuff started appearing about hair styles or clothes. I too was the main earner— I think he knew he was out of order, was insecure and tried to control me staying with him by making it difficult to actually get out the situation. He could be very charming and fun too- I kept thinking back to how it ‘had been’ . In the end I ended up ‘running away’ when he left me on my own for a few hours— it sounds ridiculous , I’m a confident intelligent woman- it’s amazing how these men can grind you down. Start making plans, get saving- make sure he can’t get access to your earnings or cards— look at all options for moving on, even if it’s short term and into a shared flat with someone etc . This guy is an abuser -please get out

Being a survivor of domestic violence myself I can tell you categorically it will never get better, it will get worse.
He doesn't work? Neither did my abuser.
They occasionally treat you nicely and do nice things for you to confuse you and make sure you don't leave.
This really fucks with your head and gives you false hope.
The only way you will ever be happy is to leave this abuser and the sooner the better. You do not deserve to be hit or mentally abused or financially abused.
Know for a fact that no abuser ever stops until the day they kill you.
Make plans and leave.

People will help you. If I worked with you I would help you for sure.

Oh that is so sad to read. You may know that it takes the average victim of abuse - and that is what you arehere, the victim - several times to leave an abusive partner. He can no doubt charm you, or reassure you at times - abusers tend to be charming in many ways, otherwise we would never fall for them. They also make you doubt yourself and your norms, by slowly increasing the abuse, but allowing you to adjust, so that you come to accept their treatment as the new normal.

So well done for posting here, and reaching out to others who can reassure you that this is not normal, you should not have to be treated like this, and who can warn you that things are not going to get better in this relationship. They will only get worse.

Please start planning to break free. Think about how and when you can leave your job and move away, nearer to your family. Think about trusting someone at work, who you can tell about life at home.

If you have the opportunity to phone Women's Aid, whilst you are at work, they will have a wealth of advice for you. So will the lovely vipers of Mumsnet, so do keep posting.

Best of luck

He is using and abusing you. This us mot going to get better. When you were ill of course he should make dinner for you. That should be a given, not a reason to think he is a good guy.

I hope you open up to someone in real life as this situation is very sad and you deserve far better than this abusive leech.

Wow, this is awful, get away from this horror show as fast as you can.

This is such a sad read; you feel bad for wanting to leave him when he cooks you dinner and does the housework- yet you earn the money to pay for those dinners and he takes your own money away from you not to mention physically hurting you?

Do you think he feels bad for the slaps & bruises he has given you? No.

Do you think it would be ok to give him a slap or a punch if dinner not ready on time? No of course not!

He has kept you away from family to isolate you. You dont love him, you love the thought of what you’d like him to be. He wont change. And wanting you to have a boob job risking your life and incurring pain. Do you think he loves you? Wouldnt you rather have someone to care for you and love you rather than than want to hurt you?

Confide in someone, make a plan to leave but dont tell him. You wont ever regret leaving him.

You absolutely need to tell your mum. Get out as fast as you can. Contact Women's Aid. If you leave him, don't tell him and don't leave a letter. Call the police too and tell them everything.

When all of this is over, please to therapy to examine why you've stayed with him for so long. You don't deserve to be ill treated and abused like this. I wish you the best of luck.